TGH: Welcome back, dear readers, to yet another issue of this Guy Gardner crossover! See that light off in the distance? We’re almost at the end of the tunnel! Last time, the Justice League had an almost unrelated adventure involving a giant space fetus, but now we get back on track with…another Hawkman issue?! God damn it.
DN: They sexified the Tormock lady for this cover.
QP: She already had boob armor last issue, but she definitely did not have a midriff window.
TGH: I guess if she’s gonna lick Guy’s face, they may as well make her sexy?
BW: Fire + Predator = Sexy Tormock.
TGH: Oh man, if it turns out to be Fire this entire time, that would be amazing! No wonder she’s trying to keep Icemaiden under control all the time.
BW: Oh you and your desire for a coherent plot in this nightmare!
DN: This is Guy Gardner, nothing that interesting is allowed to happen.
TGH: Actually, it’s Hawkman, so it’s even worse.
QP: There’s not even a sexy lady in a impractical bathroom.
DN: I’m putting that bathroom in my dream house.
TGH: So I guess Wonder Woman and Hawkman ended up on Vuldar between the last time we saw them and now, because the issue opens on Wonder Woman running from a bunch of Tormocks. Or some other aliens. Who the hell even knows? Is the entire planet the capital of the Tormock empire, or is it the city of Vuldar located on the planet Vuldar in the Vuldar system?
QP: I somehow doubt the answer is in the DC wiki. I like that you can actually see what the landscape of Vuldar looks like. That’s a first for this series.
DN: The aliens are dropping “frag bombs” on Diana, because why the hell not?
QP: Frag bombs are great when you shoot like a Stormtrooper. But really, aren’t all bombs frag bombs?
TGH: The aliens seem to be there just for the exposition in case someone reading Hawkman really gives a crap about what is happening. Come on, DC. Nobody was reading Hawkman.
QP: No one has ever read Hawkman. Hawkman is the Schrodinger’s Cat of the comic book world. If nobody ever reads it, is it really good, or really bad? (Bad. It’s bad.)
BW: I’m not opening the mylar bag to find out.
TGH: WE made it bad by reading it. You’re welcome, everyone. It turns out that Wonder Woman was luring the two random flying guys into a trap! I think Hawkman just wanted to hide in some sewage.
QP: That’s his fetish. He just doesn’t want to talk about it.
DN: Probablybert and Hawkman bust out of the water to gun down the aliens.
QP: Probablybert is purple now for some reason.
BW: Bert’s secondary mutation is to turn purple under water. Much like every other secondary mutation, it’s terrible.
QP: Hey, turning into diamond is cool.
TGH: Hawkman’s aiming a gun at the ships, but then decides to just jump up and stab one of them with his little gardening spade instead.
QP: Also, his gun only has charge for three shots. Why does he even have this stupid, stupid gun?
BW: Because the ’90s.
TGH: Once again, he picks a gun with 10% charge left.
QP: Get yourself a portable USB charger, dude.
TGH: You know what a good shot would be, Hawkman? The one you get when you jump out of the water unexpectedly.
DN: At least Probs brought a working gun.
QP: It does appear to shoot cigarettes, though, so I guess if he wants to slowly kill someone with cancer, that’ll work.
DN: Diana is the most useful member of the team by just cannonballing through a ship.
QP: Wonder Woman “sqwrrells” one of the Leechun ships. That is maybe the least convincing sound effect ever.
DN: Why she didn’t just do that in the first place is beyond me, because her crew fucking sucks.
BW: Diana even makes the comment, “Next time, you get to be the decoy.”
TGH: Hawkman did finally get to use his mace on the one dude, probably because his spade ran out of juice too.
BW: Turn off the Bluetooth feature Hawkman. Save that battery!
QP: The spade broke immediately. It was a single-serving trowel.
DN: The Leechuns have to use a Virtual Boy to fly.
QP: Hawkman breaks the glass on one of the Leechun ships which causes them to not be able to see. That’s a good design feature.
TGH: The writers already don’t even care about this story, as the alien says that three of them are down right after the fourth one blows up.
BW: “Dude, I’ve got important stuff to write, YOU count ’em!”
TGH: “I need to write Probert calling a wingless guy grease-wings.” How did they even get into that guy’s back seat? Faster than Hawkman even? Why does a military vehicle have a back seat?
QP: I *think* one of the earlier panels showed two guys in the cockpit, Top Gun style, but still, there should be a guy in there, right?
BW: Copilot on that one took a sick day. It happens.
QP: Goddammit, Goose.
TGH: There’s a whole thing where nobody knows how to fly the plane, which is really tense considering that ONE OF THEM IS A HAWK MAN.
QP: It’s almost a full page of “Can you fly it?” “No, can you?” We did not need a page of that.
TGH: Meanwhile, we cut to Karine trying really hard to fuck Guy.
BW: ::Cue Goodbye Horses::
TGH: He’s really grown as a person, as he would usually fuck her, or at the very least, she’d not want to fuck him. Now the only romantic scenes he gets is him trying not to cry while he’s groped and licked.
BW: With the uncomfortable dance party on the next page, I will counter that I am totally down for the “Can You Fly This Crazy Thing” page.
QP: Is he floating in a glowy force field?
TGH: Way easier than drawing a torture chair of any kind.
QP: Also his left leg is dislocated. Or else he’s been in a horrible foreshortening accident.
TGH: She apparently wants to breed just like their species used to. A friendlier, sexier time, when people lived for many, many megacycles.
QP: Guy’s sexy grandma was a Tormock after all.
DN: “Essence” is the politest, least-gross way of saying jizz.
BW: Guy would like an adult to step in now.
TGH: He was passed out for so long. She could’ve taken it with her alien technology. Why you gotta demand an orgasm on top of it? Your greed is your downfall!
BW: Your faith in your friends is yours!
QP: Karine shocks the shit out of him and says she thinks Earth calls that “foreplay.” Stay the fuck off of the internet, Karine.
TGH: William Messner-Loebs is into some sick shit.
BW: Tormock pillow talk is some fucked up stuff.
QP: Her entire speech sounds like some kind of 17th century text on obstetrics. It’s getting very Brigadier General Ripper in here. Tell me more about this pure essence.
TGH: Back in the city, Probert apparently figured out that whole flying thing and is now shooting the hell out of everyone.
BW: Apparently they got better at flying, or the Tormock drone was appropriately named.
TGH: Remember the pre-9/11 world when heroes could just crash planes into buildings all willy-nilly? How does Probert know exactly where everything on Vuldar is? Is this a story that could perhaps be told by someone?
BW: The prequel series – Amateur Bert!
QP: Well he’s a Tormock hunter, you see. I feel like that’s pretty self explanatory.
TGH: I mean, I know we’re desperately short on pages and issues for this crossover, but come on.
QP: Whoever is doing the sound effects for this issue is clearly on all the drugs.
TGH: A bunch of Leechuns see Wonder Woman and begin to make some kind of shitty rape comment that is interrupted by her tearing right through them. I approve.
QP: The Leechun clearly did not know who they were dealing with. Wonder Woman asks Probert to use his Tormock expertise to tell them where to go. And then we discover that Probert is really a Novicebert after all.
TGH: Just in time for enemies to come flooding in.
QP: And Wonder Woman punches him into a wall. Or I wish she would.
TGH: Turns out the name “The Bad One” had nothing to do with his combat skills.
QP: Meanwhile, Guy is in the process of turning into Dr. Manhattan.
DN: Lady Predator wants all of his rich, pure essence which loops back around to being a creepy way of saying jizz.
TGH: She’s demanding all of his semen. All of it, forever. You can’t have it all. He’s using it.
QP: I’m pretty sure it’s a renewable resource, lady.
BW: Lady Predator stops just shy of saying “Close your eyes and think of Tormock.”
QP: You mean “close your eyes and think of grandma” BA DUM TISH. It worked for Cardone.
TGH: She zaps him a few more times and promises him pleasure “of a sort.” Mostly in the penis area.
QP: Sadly for her, the cavalry shows up.
TGH: Hawkman, Wonder Woman and Probert come crashing in just in time. Probert KNEW this was where it was! Not shown: Wonder Woman headbutting through 12 other walls beforehand.
QP: She probably used Probert as a bludgeon.
TGH: He had that same line the other 12 times too. He knew it!
QP: They catch Guy and Karine en flagrante delicto.
TGH: Hawkman finally frees Guy by smashing a random thing that he knew controlled that force field.
TGH: Despite being at a complete disadvantage in this situation, Karine somehow manages to get away.
BW: Numerical, tactical, not having your pants around your ankles advantages.
QP: She also grows creepy slime wings.
TGH: Then Karine manages to rocket fart right out of there.
QP: Why does she even need wings when she can fart rockets? Hey, flying guy, maybe fly after her and throw that useless gun at her.
TGH: She somehow also managed to hit the planetwide alert button. Glad we had that installed. Imagine if Earth had a planetwide alert button. Some asshole robs a bank in New York and everyone in India gets woken up by this shit. Planets are more than one mile around, guys. This isn’t Super Mario Galaxy.
QP: You know there’s some dick that just uses it because they forgot their keys or something. “Everyone come help me look!”
BW: Finally, Bert and Guy sum up this entire issue.
TGH: Now that the planetwide alert has been sounded from a tiny lab in the middle of an abandoned city, how will our heroes fight their way out of this situation? Will there be room to wrap up the plot? Was there a plot? Tune in next week!
’90s Ad Showcase:
TGH: Batman meets Judge Dredd on a ski trip.
BW: With art by John Wagner. Which is why Dredd looks like Dredd and Batman is about to hit the slaloms.
TGH: I assume The Ultimate Riddle includes the Riddler in some way, which really facilitates the heavy gun use in this story.
QP: Technically shouldn’t Dredd take Batman out for breaking the law with vigilantism? Is that the plot of this book? I hope so.
BW: It’s a twist! And yes, which is what made those cross overs great!
TGH: Holy crap, a game that takes advantage of the up-and-coming IPX-protocol LAN technology!
QP: Early LAN parties were kinda lame.
TGH: It generates graphics in real time! It has a soundtrack!
BW: It’s not a shooter so your parents MIGHT buy it for you!
QP: At least it’s got 60 fps. Now it can get a 10 out of 10 on IGN.
TGH: Enjoy many varied levels! New York! Ancient Baghdad! Bowser’s Castle! Snow!
QP: Pretty sure that second level is Silent Hill.
TGH: Why has nobody made a Silent Hill racer yet? I mean, what the hell else are you gonna do with the property at this point?
QP: Not let Guilermo Del Toro work on it?
TGH: Exactly! Nowhere else to go now!
BW: We’ve reached peak ’90s with MTV collector cards.
DN: Most of those were great shows, but who the hell is buying these cards?
QP: Remember the good old days when MTV did stuff other than music videos and we didn’t know it was the beginning of the end yet?
TGH: I guess in retrospect we should’ve seen current MTV coming. There were a lot of shows even then, we just didn’t care as much.
QP: This ad is the reason Sam Goody doesn’t exist anymore.
TGH: You had one job.
BW: One. Job.
QP: Both albums clearly display their artists and titles. And yet.
TGH: Draw the lines from the album title/band to the album that CLEARLY HAS THE TITLE AND BAND NAME ON IT.
QP: I wish I had known all this time that Our Lady Peace had secretly made one of the greatest albums of the ’90s. How foolish of them to let Radiohead take all the credit.
TGH: You had to call a number to find out where your nearest Sam Goody was, instead of going to AOL, keyword “CheapLaserDiscs?”
QP: LaserDiscs are only available at select locations, though. So nuts to you if you live in Bumfuck, Nebraska and want Batman Forever on LaserDisc.
TGH: In fairness, the remaining Sam Goodys probably still have them, and they’re still $60 each.
BW: Two bad decisions for the price of one!
BW: And here’s Species putting a capstone on the theme of this issue.
QP: AKA Sexy Giger: The Movie.
BW: Alien Ladies want your essence.
QP: But only if it’s pure.
DN: Species had a great deal of nudity. I had Showtime so I didn’t really need Species. Nothing sadder than weakly masturbating to The Red Shoe Diaries.
QP: The saddest handjob.
TGH: The nudity is sadly the only thing I remember about it. It came out right when I was at peak awkward puberty. Kids, you used to not be able to just magic up porn on your computer. No AOL keyword “Tits.” If you typed that in, a dot-matrix printout was very loudly faxed to your parents.
QP: You used to have to find it in a ditch.
TGH: Every third log in the woods was filled with dirty magazines, left there by homeless people and murderers.
BW: The hills are alive with the sound of zippers.
QP: This is the reason boys always had treehouses, isn’t it?
BW: Yes. Yes it was.
TGH: Next time, the entire planet of Vuldar responds to the planetwide alarm. The gang is attacked by 6 billion Tormocks. They had no chance at all; Probert cried for the rest of his short life. The amount of Tormocks in one place congested the city beyond control. Tormocks were trapped for weeks; many died of starvation and suffocation. Ironically, Guy’s death killed more Tormocks than he could have possibly taken out alive.
QP: Guy is tragically crushed, pounded, and pureed in the process. Turns out the Pure Essence Karine wanted was really just concentrated, liquefied Guy.
TGH: She does not become pregnant from this due to her embarrassing misunderstanding of reproduction.
QP: She does get a pretty tasty Warrior Smoothie out of the whole ordeal, though.