TGH: Welcome back to an exciting issue of Hawkman! Last week, Hawkman blew two holes in the JLA’s spaceship while they are on the way to stop the Tormocks from destroying Earth. Now that the ship doesn’t work anymore, they’re forced to land on Hawkman’s shitty home planet of Thanagar so we can hear more about Hawkman.
QP: But first, there’s a sexy lady in a bathtub. I know we normally don’t talk about crossover stuff that’s not related, but we’re talking about this sexy lady in the bathtub.
TGH: This isn’t even related to the story, but I think it’s important to point out this awful scene in which a naked lady calls Hawkman, and then doubles down on being sexy when his mom picks up.
QP : “I want to bang your son. Just FYI. Can you pass that message along? Thaaaaaanks.”
TGH: “Hawkman is such a fun guy to be around. I wanted him to come to Hollywood with me so he could stand in the corner and probably punch a caterer.”
DN: He does seem like the Sean Penn of the Justice League.
QP: You know she’s a fancy rich lady because her bathtub has the gold package. And also because there’s a phone in her bathroom. And her bathtub is the size of a queen bed.
TGH: This bathroom is so weird. Her head is right next to the toilet.
QP : She reads Elle and GQ on the pooper. Celebrities! They’re just like us!
DN: I think she lives in this bathroom.
QP: It’s the only room in her house.
TGH: In another panel her towel is hung an inch in front of the toilet! How does she poop is what I need to know.
DN: I’m not encouraging your fetish.
QP: The tub is also smashed up against the counter. So I hope she doesn’t actually want to apply any of that makeup.
DN: So anyways, some stuff happens on Thanagar.
QP: But it’s way less interesting than deconstructing this bathroom scene (I’m not even really kidding).
QP: Meanwhile, back on the spaceship, this team is a hot goddamned mess.
DN: The Flash is cleaning out their cabinets. He’s got a cheeseburger, 2 cans of SpaghettiOs and is washing it all down with some Tang.
QP: There’s an ad for Absolut Beetle vodka on the back of Blue Devil’s newspapers, which is a thing I want now. I don’t know what that would taste like. I can’t imagine it’s good.
TGH: Apparently Guy has been telling everyone the plot of the crossover this entire time and has been driving everyone goddamn nuts.
QP: That seems very likely. Also, the Hawkman creative team is doing as good a job as the JLA team was of making Guy seem more mature and adult of a character than his own team does. Which is to say he’s on the maturity level of a 15-year-old instead of a 9-year-old.
TGH: Hawkman demands that everyone go run around Thanagar to justify this book existing.
QP: Yeah, but it gives him a chance to take some “being a sympathetic character” lessons from Martian Manhunter.
TGH: Wonder Woman splits Fire and Ice up, so Fire protests by separating her eyes as far as she can.
QP: The art in this issue is wildly inconsistent. There are some really great panels, and then stuff like that.
DN: This book’s creative team missed the memo where Icemaiden gave Fire a card that read: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME.
QP: Yeah, but sexy lesbian times doesn’t make Hawkman look any more awesome, so we’re just gonna forget that happened til we get back to a JLA book.
TGH: They used up their smut budget on that tub scene.
QP: Obsidian asks Hawkman a fairly innocent question, and Hawkman gets all aggro on him for no reason.
DN: “All Aggro for No Reason” is the title of Hawkman’s memoirs.
TGH: “Please give me some exposition, Hawkman.”
“Fine, here you go. Also, fuck you.”
QP: Hawkman is nobody’s exposition fairy.
TGH: Suddenly the gang is attacked! Guy tells everyone to get down, and Obsidian agrees with that non-opinion.
QP: There’s a big tank coming at them, but more importantly, we finally get to see what a Leechun looks like! And this is after an entire issue focused on fighting them.
TGH: Seriously, I had no idea that they had a beginning and an end.
QP: I just assumed they were a mass of limbs.
DN: Guy explodes the tank pretty easily, but he has to wait for Hawkman to tell him to, because this is his book I guess.
TGH: The team follows the Leechuns to a floating city, which I guess wasn’t floating until now, much to Hawkman’s surprise.
QP: Even though he says earlier that he’s gonna head to a floating city.
TGH: That was just a metaphor.
QP: When he said “floating city” he meant just a city, on the land.
DN: They get attacked by winged skeletons, which is about the most metal thing we’ve covered.
QP: It kinda looks like an Iron Maiden cover or something.
TGH: The Tormocks should’ve just been flying skeletons, then this whole thing would be rad.
QP: There are few things more hardcore than flying reanimated murder skeletons.
TGH: Does Hawkman just forgo the mace and shoot them with a handgun?
QP: Yes. And then says his gun is out of charge. Which means it’s the worst gun ever.
TGH: One fucking shot on a pile of bones kills it. Nice.
QP: Too bad he doesn’t have some inexhaustible bludgeoning weapon he could use.
DN: One of the guys is in fact, not a skeleton, so Hawkman catches him when they blast him out of the sky.
QP: That’s nice of him. The live guy tells Hawkman that the Tormocks have enslaved what’s left of the Thanagarians, so Hawkman decides he’s gonna go single-handedly destroy them.
TGH: Hawkman tells everyone to go get some backup, but they decide they’re a team and won’t leave, even though more people and a ship would be more helpful.
DN: Despite being the bitchiest version of the Justice League, everybody comes together to support Hawkman.
TGH: Guy blows Hawkman a kiss.
QP: They do at least agree to send Flash, which is frankly a much better idea.
TGH: Hawkman then puts Captain Atom in his place, so good for him.
QP: He does get hella pissy about it, which is adorable. “What makes you think you can give the orders here?”
“I’m literally leading you guys right now.”
DN: I mean, I’m kinda with Captain Atom. Hawkman has been a terrible leader.
QP: Yeah, well that’s on Wonder Woman for putting him in charge.
TGH: So everyone else goes into the city and start killing some Tormocks. Icemaiden expertly forces her ice into as many crevices as possible.
QP: Does she mean barrels? Does she not know basic gun parts?
DN: She wants to force her ice into Fire’s crevices.
TGH: I’m not 100% sure what the actual plan was, but as soon as the rest of the Leechuns show up they sure do run like hell. In the tradition of all great warriors.
QP: I guess their only mission was just to get up there. Someone get Maxima a battleship and a flight suit, stat.
TGH: I guess they were just trying to pull everyone away from the prisoners, which didn’t work anyway, so well done everyone.
QP: Guy and Hawkman follow a girl right into a trap. She’s nice enough to alert them to this fact once they’ve stumbled into it.
TGH: Guy speaks the greatest line in comics history: “Trap THIS!”
QP: What a wordsmith.
DN: And shoots that Leechun right in his goddamn face.
TGH: The trap only seems to be like 3 or 4 Leechuns, so maybe everyone here is just an idiot.
QP: Hawkman gets the head Leechun by the throat just in time for Diana to issue a pretty unnecessary ultimatum. “Stop surrendering and surrender!”
TGH: Guy then makes the Leechun drop his weapons by making the most smug face in the history of smugness.
QP: That is some USDA Prime Cut smug there.
TGH: Hawkman tells us all about all of the other killing and rescuing that they ran out of time to show us. Not that I’m really complaining.
DN: They free a bunch of slaves, all whom want Hawkman to stay and help them, and he’s basically just like “nah.”
QP: It would’ve been the most emo rescuing.
TGH: Back at the ship, Wonder Woman joins the Yaz love pentagon. Is the Yaz just a sentient pheromone or something?
QP: I think we’re reaching exponential levels of growth here. It’ll only take a few more hours before the entire earth is held in the Yaz’s sway.
TGH: Maybe the Yaz is the real threat here. The Yaz is the secret final boss.
QP: If this crossover ends without Guy making kissy faces at a pterodactyl, I’ll be disappointed.
TGH: The team finally leaves Thanagar forever, letting the actual crossover continue.
QP: Well thank Jeebus.
DN: Only four parts to go.
TGH: Four more planets to crash land on. Will the JLA ever actually run into the Tormocks? Will Hawkman suddenly swing the ship into a nearby star? Find out next time!
TGH: I am absolutely not reading the Hawkman letters, but props to Words of Prey.
QP: *golf clap*
90’s Ad Showcase:
TGH: Batman’s becoming what he hates most…a vampire. I feel like I’ve learned something.
QP: I didn’t know the Joker was a vampire. That explains a lot.
DN: I’ve read some of those, I think Alfred stakes him at some point.
TGH: If there’s ever a trivia question about Batman’s greatest enemy, I’m answering “vampires” and bringing this ad with me.
QP: Seems reasonable.
“No, DC said it themselves. Now give me those 5 points.”
QP: Man, Dredd’s got a really sensual pouty face. He must be using some a-grade lipliner. “I am the Law. And the Law really needs some Lip Smackers.”
DN: The Dredd ad is just a giant Stallone face. Why? Why would you scare children like that?
TGH: That’s the longest he wears the helmet. Though it could’ve been worse. Could’ve been Rob Schneider’s face.
QP: In Nightwing: Alfred’s Return, Nightwing travels to London to prevent some street tough’s from cock blocking Alfred.
DN: Alfred deserves some action after caring for a crazy person for forever.
QP: In fairness, Alfred could probably break their limbs his own self without Dick’s help.
TGH: I’m sure it ends with Alfred giving up his life to go cut the crusts off of Bruce’s sandwiches again.
TGH: Next issue, everyone finally just corners the Yaz and expresses their love. Yaz accepts them into its heart and devours them all. The Yaz ship drifts towards the Tormock army, ready to spread its love to the universe.