TGH: Welcome back, dear readers, to the final canonical issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior! It’s been a while due to the holidays, but if I recall, last time Guy jealously stole Christmas from Heroville until he realized that gifts and decorations aren’t what Christmas is about at all!
QP: Are you sure? I thought he was desperately trying to get a General Glory chew toy for G’nort and ended up riding a float in the Christmas parade?
TGH: I think at some point Goldface and Black Hand tried to break into Warrior’s but fell victim to a bunch of traps that Guy set.
DN: We don’t actually want to talk about this issue, do we?
QP: Do we ever?
DN: Admittedly, I’m way more into your super villain Wet Bandits idea.
TGH: But seriously, though, last time, every C-lister who ever looked at Guy tried to kill him, but it ended up that Guy was the one to kill them instead.
BW: “It’s a Fist-ival and they were just the opening act.”
QP: Somehow, Guy wasn’t arrested or charged for these crimes, which gives him ample time to head down to the docks and look for Major Force.
TGH: Also Arisia got fridged in order to motivate Guy to do more murders. Now imagine these few sentences stretched to 30 pages.
TGH: I guess in order to raise the stakes, Guy doesn’t have any strength left to turn into guns when he goes to fight Major Force. If Major Force is waiting for you, you could just like take a nap for 30 minutes or something.
QP: Seriously, what’s gonna happen if he just waits until he’s recharged? He knows Major Force wants to fight him. I’m sure he’d wait.
TGH: I’m not sure if a page of exposition merits a Dutch angle, but hey, whatever. Oh man, every panel is a Dutch angle. This is the most dramatic page ever. Or the imaginary cameraman is drunk as hell.
QP: Maybe this is one of those Mystery Spots where physics don’t work right and everything is canted.
TGH: That selfie Major Force took with Arisia is pretty gross. He just straight melted her face off.
DN: Major Force is not a terribly clever writer.
QP: It almost makes me long for the comparative poetry of Dementor.
QP: The art is really nice for this issue, which is surprising, since it’s drawn by former Nazi T-Rex artist Mitch Byrd.
TGH: Major Force for some reason makes his appearance by coming out of the water and doing some sort of feat of strength.
DN: He totally Super-Shredders it.
QP: Hey, that’s hard. Dudes put that in their NFL recruiting videos.
BW: Too bad he’s late for THIS Festivus party. Fist-ivus. Sorry.
QP: Fist-ivus for the go fuck yourself.
TGH: The wood posts at the dock are covered in the customary cascade of outward-facing clams you see around most docks.
DN: Also, murdering Major Force only makes him KINDA mad.
QP: Well he did get to come back from it.
DN: Eddie Berganza also pretends to be sad about this being the last issue he has to edit by putting a “snif” by his name in the credits. Shut up, Eddie, you threw a fucking party and we all know it.
TGH: Finally he can sleep at night instead of fixing typo after typo until sunrise.
DN: “Why? Why does Beau Smith submit EVERY script in crayon??”
BW: And wiping spittle off the pages. Beau Smith *REALLY* hates the Power Rangers.
QP: The red pens of the world rejoiced.
TGH: “Giy Garder hit man with gon fist.” -The entire first draft of every issue
TGH: Guy sounds a lot like a drug addict in this comic. He just keeps going on about juice and morphing.
DN: Major Force calls fighting “fist-dancing”. Gee, however will we be able to make fun of that?
QP: This is the issue where Mitch Byrd finally gets to draw the gun transformations the way he envisioned them back in those spec pages.
TGH: It turns out that the samples stolen from Guy at the Generic Toy Fair were secretly placed into Major Force to give him Magic Warrior powers.
TGH: His first order of business is to launch an exploding cannon ball at Guy. At least he has some imagination. I would like to know which of the universe’s greatest warriors used Dr. Robotnik’s cannonball gun as their weapon of choice.
QP: I think you’ve got your answer right there.
TGH: Sadly, a Dr. Robotnik: Warrior comic is not forthcoming.
QP: Back at Quorum base, Martika is rallying the troops to go watch Guy get murdered. You’re really not helping the scorned woman stereotype there, hon.
DN: While wearing an outfit that I can only imagine takes like a fucking hour to put on.
TGH: Yeah, what the hell is that? A spandex suit covered by a sex apron?
BW: Not so much exploitative as just…confusing.
DN: It’s something you’d find in a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogue.
TGH: If we had 44 more issues I’m confident they’d be able to dress a lady in something mildly sensible.
QP: I doubt it, these are the same people that gave us the vagina onesie.
TGH: The entire point of her panels is to tell us that she’s coming to the fight. Which, you know, we’d figure out when she showed up to the fight later.
QP: Maybe? I mean, that’s asking a lot, you know, for readers to fill in the gaps.
TGH: Speaking of the fight, Major Force taps into the legendary warrior Alternator Hand. He is going to town with these powers in a way that the main character of this comic never quite did.
BW: That’s what an extra month of lead time gets you, I guess.
TGH: Intentional or not, I like that we’ve gone back to the main theme of Guy being completely useless when his powers fail.
QP: As well as Guy’s powers being pretty useless. I mean, Major Force is better with Guy’s powers after about a day of having them than Guy is after, what, two years.
DN: Major Force makes a jello dildo that Guy snags and tries to hit him with it, but Guy doesn’t understand, despite HAVING THAT POWER SET, that the Major can just melt away his jello dildo.
QP: Yeah, I don’t know how he thought that was going to work out for him?
BW: Guy Gardner =/ thinking.
TGH: Only Major Force can control his own flesh and therefore will a piece of flesh removed from his body into disintegrating.
DN: I thought jello dildo was bad and you made it grosser. Congrats.
QP: Best case scenario, he hits him with it and it just melts back into him.
TGH: If a Vuldarian was suicidal could he just make himself go away?
BW: Yup. Just takes 45 issues.
TGH: Major Force blasts Guy into a boat and despite having no powers he’s totally fine I assume. Also I get to think about Guy’s testicles now, so thanks.
QP: It’s just a call back to the good old days when Guy would have no powers and get hit with a bus and still be just fine.
BW: I’m telling myself his “advanced Vuldarian physiology is keeping him alive.”
TGH: Major Force tells Guy that Martika needs him for more experiments, but she already gave MF his powers, so how much further can you take this thing?
QP: Sexy experiments?
TGH: Can’t she just use MF’s blood?
DN: Something something Quorum something.
QP: Maybe she needs organs?
BW: Pipe? Church?
DN: The way she’s drawn she doesn’t have room for any organs.
TGH: Major Force watched Alien too, so we get the sequel to facehugger hand: xenomorph hands!
BW: Well, one of them at least.
QP: That one hand has redneck snaggle teeth in.
BW: “I drink your blood!”
TGH: It’s hard to come up with two original faces on the fly when you’re trying to kill someone. This takes a lot of concentration!
QP: Maybe he’s just right-handed and can’t do anything with his left.
TGH: I bet he’s disqualified from hot dog eating contests with those things.
QP: Guy tries to get away, bless him, but Major Force sends some flesh tentacles after him.
BW: Just when you thought an issue of Guy Gardner couldn’t get creepier.
QP: It can always get creepier. How come Guy never used flesh tentacles? You’d think that would be right up his alley.
DN: I think flesh is now my shudder word. Like how a lot of people don’t like “moist.”
QP: Guy breaks loose of the tentacles, which somehow causes a boat to explode. Do not ask the creators how this happened, because they do not know.
TGH: I’m not sure how Guy keeps managing to best Major Force physically. He’s too weak to use his powers but he can still toss MF around when the plot needs him to.
BW: I think Major Force used a power blast or something? You’re not kidding about it not being clear.
TGH: He has something around his hand, but they drew bubbles around it. Maybe his hand was drowning.
BW: “Glub glub I drink your blood.”
QP: Pastel blue works great for explody blast powers.
TGH: If there’s one thing this comic loves it’s blue and purple everything.
QP: But seriously, Guy should be dead now. He EXPLODED A BOAT IN HALF.
DN: Guy has a super tough shirt. It takes a boatsplosion to finally rid him of it.
QP: What brand are those jeans, though? They’re holding up really well.
TGH: Major Force gives us some insight into DC’s weird theology. I guess there’s hell for some people? I guess MF figures he can kill his way out of going back.
QP: Well considering how that whole thing with Nekron worked out, he might be willing to cut him a break.
TGH: Nekron didn’t even come to visit him. He visited Earthworm, but not Major Force.
TGH: Major Force stops fucking around and just finishes kicking the shit out of Guy.
QP: Aaaaand then bores a hole in his chest.
BW: I’m pretty sure he shouts “Fatality!” at the end.
DN: And I guess he turns his blade hand into a hand hand because he’s holding Guy’s intact heart a couple of panels later.
TGH: I’d be more doubtful of this working if it was Guy, but Major Force really seems to have a handle on these powers already, so I’ll buy it.
TGH: I take it back; those 4 panels of Martika leaving earlier were worth it, because she just suddenly appears right behind Major Force to yell at him.
DN: And then Major Force straight up mouth cannons her IN HALF.
QP: Somehow her powers conveniently don’t work on him when he wants to kill her, fancy that.
TGH: Yeah, they don’t even explain why her powers don’t work on him. I don’t actually care either!
QP: I just want it to be over at this point.
BW: Welcome to nightmare city, ladies and gents. On the bright side, we’ll probably never see her again. Probably.
DN: I think Eddie Berganza wanted any trace of this book murdered.
QP: You say that, but the New 52 really is lacking in sexy mind control villain ladies.
TGH: Not even killing Guy can make him stop his damn exposition. His ghost is staring at his body so he can talk to us about it.
QP: Thank God, Guy is finally dead, we can go read a good comic now.
TGH: I guess his ghost shrinks and climbs into his body so we can get a real close look at his guts.
BW: BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
QP: And there’s his Grinch heart, growing three sizes.
TGH: Chekhov’s organ.
QP: This whole time Guy has been a shitty Timelord.
TGH: Guy’s lucky Major Force didn’t just chain him up and torture him forever since he LITERALLY HAD TO DIE in order for his new heart to kick in.
QP: How many scans did Buck do on Guy when he got the Warrior powers and they never picked up on this spare heart even once? Also, did the heart make his ribcage grow back or does he just have a scab holding his new heart in?
BW: I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again: If you have body horror issues, this is not the book for you.
TGH: Guy is back in action! With his powers intact, he harnesses the powers of history’s greatest warrior: Punch Man. This is why Major Force is a better Warrior than you.
QP: How does having one less heart make his powers work better? None of this makes any sense.
BW: Still, I have to admit. This page got a genuine chuckle out of me. Major Force’s double take is priceless.
DN: It is not priceless. It’s $1.75. It’s on the cover, jeez.
TGH: What is even happening with that punch? Major Force’s head is implanted into the city skyline. That’s not the ground. God damn it.
TGH: I haven’t actually been grossed out by anything in this comic, but the shit happening with his fingers when he turns his two hands into a gun makes me cringe.
QP: Why does he need to meld both arms together to make this cannon when he’s made equally large cannons out of a single fist before GUY YOU SUCK AT YOUR POWERS.
TGH: “You’re major dead” is the worst thing ever written.
BW: Sadly, his witty repartee didn’t die.
QP: Guy blows a massive hole through Major Force exactly like the one shown on the covers (SPOILERS GUYS) then keeps talking about the moral grey area involved in actually killing him. Meanwhile, Major Force is somehow still alive and talking despite probably having most of his lungs forcibly removed from his chest cavity. So to shut him up, Guy puts a flesh grenade in his mouth.
TGH: The comic never addresses it, but I am 100% convinced that the grenade is Guy’s left nut.
BW: Chekov’s Nut?
QP: This is only the second grenade-in-mouth death of this series, so I guess that’s better than it could’ve been. But this does kinda make him as bad as Militia.
TGH: It’s a special alien grenade that has the power of a nuke except it’s a black hole like a nuke and Vuldarian and blah blah blah who cares he died you jerks.
TGH: Guy tells us his new mission statement: To kill as much scum as possible. The End!
QP: God finally made him the butt-kicker he meant him to be.
TGH: Later, at Arisia’s funeral, everyone wore their Halloween costumes out of respect.
QP: Tiger Man didn’t even bother to wear a shirt, for fuck’s sake.
BW: Nothing says dignity like Martian Manhunter’s blue briefs.
TGH: Guy instead wore a suit made out of his flesh and probably smells horrible. He pulled some skin off of his arm and made a nice handkerchief.
BW: Buck Wargo is wearing his church cowboy hat.
QP: He’s also rocking a Gordon Gekko haircut for whatever reason. Kudos to the funeral director. That is some fantastic reconstructive surgery on Arisia’s face.
BW: A bitchin’ mortician, if you will.
DN: Get out.
TGH: Parallax shows up and demands to pay his respects, and in a complete reversal of the last time we saw him, when he was all insistent that Arisia wear her old Lantern costume, leaves a magic Lantern hologram of her in her sexy gun outfit instead.
DN: Also, Guy refers to him as PARALLAX. Guy, you’ve known him for 30 years. That is Hal.
TGH: That’s not consistent with DC’s Brand
BW: He knew him for 45 minutes as Parallax so clearly that takes precedence.
DN: Then, in what is the actual worst thing ever written, Beau Smith eulogizes Arisia and quotes HIMSELF. It is amazing.
TGH: I’m glad he took credit for it so I know exactly who to laugh at for 15 minutes straight.
QP: Look at this guy, he thinks he’s e.e. cummings with his alternative capitalizations.
BW: “Although the Bird of Life has flown
the Nest made of
Love will remain
to keep the Memories
DN: Go fuck yourself, Beau Smith.
BW: Honest to God, I’ve read YouTube comments with more empathy.
QP: For everyone reading at home, imagine it in Terry Jones voice.
TGH: Thanks for the flowers, Tom Grummett, and for the reminder that you did pencils.
QP: Wherever did you manage to find dead brown flowers? You really shouldn’t have.
TGH: Why the hell does Guy have a Mysterio costume at Warrior’s?
BW: Halloween costumes: superhero formal wear.
TGH: He’ll wear it when his mom dies.
QP: I like that they also just have a case of weapons on the wall in case anyone feels like holding up the bartender for tip money.
DN: Wait, so…they held a funeral at a bar?
QP: It’s an Irish funeral, duh. Just like an alien would’ve wanted.
TGH: Epilogue 2 almost makes this entire nightmare worth it.
QP: Joe Staton comes back to tell Beau Smith what we’ve all been thinking.
TGH: Beau and Eddie being tossed out a window by Actual Guy Gardner is everything we could ask for. I have nothing else to add to this page. It speaks for itself just fine for the first time ever.
QP: Mad Magazine visits the DC Bullpen is absolutely a comic I would read.
BW: Along with Rex the Wonder Dog with Ace the Bathound.
QP: All the other editors talking shit about the book while hiding from Guy is pretty great too.
TGH: Epilogue 3 is just Guy getting drunk alone, which I believe wholeheartedly.
DN: With that shithouse garbage power armor he had for like 2 issues.
BW: As much as I like the composition, that power armor is taking up a LOT of prime bar space.
QP: I think Beetle might want that back, Guy, it’s not yours.
TGH: I think we missed the issue where Guy killed and stuffed a Yeti.
QP: I like that over the course of the series, this place has morphed from a Planet Hollywood wannabe to an old west saloon.
TGH: The final (!) letter section has the last 3 letters ever written, followed by an extended eulogy by the creative team. I wish Beau had written another poem for this part, but I guess he used all of his word-morphing juice on the funeral scene.
QP: Too bad he can’t grow another heart to get the morph back.
TGH: Dear Guy,
Have a cool summer!
BW: I wish the penciller hadn’t been so slow I had to turn everything in the backgrounds purple! — Lee Loughridge
DN: Thanks for letting me draw nipples! — Phil Jimenez
QP: They asked me to draw a lot of fun things, so I definitely went out of my way not to do that. — Dan Davis
TGH: I wish to see Guy’s penis. Perhaps another time. –Lee Loughridge
QP: “I’m a cowboy.” — Beau Smith
BW: So many artists have their first published work in this book AND THEY’LL NEVER PUT IT IN THEIR PORTFOLIO — Eddie Berganza
TGH: That’s it! We finally finished Guy Gardner! AND YET, for some damn reason, they released a Guy Gardner annual one week later out of spite that has nothing to do with this story, so we still have ONE MORE ISSUE to do. The last annual was a complete nightmare, so will this one be any better? Can we survive One More Guy Gardner Annual? Find out next week!
’90s Ad Showcase:
BW: The Phantom – proving that a direct translation of a costume to the big screen might not be a great idea.
TGH: Imagine an alternate timeline where The Phantom was a huge hit and instead of a comic book movie film universe there was a comic strip film movie universe.
QP: I’m waiting for a Phantom/Mary Worth teamup movie.
<Editor’s Note: Not quite a movie, but this already kind of happened recently.>
DN: Slam Evil, everybody.
TGH: We’d be on like the 10th tie-in movie by now. Age of Marmaduke.
BW: That sounds interesting – though I fear for a world where a Dagwood movie exists.
QP: How desperate was The Phantom that they advertised in the very last issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior?
TGH: Hey, Guy Gardner also slams evil. It’s a perfect match! I’d give it all just to have a Comic Strip Spider-Man franchise.
TGH: Dude, I already told you; we’re doing Guy Gardner Annual #2. Do you even listen to a word I say?