TGH: Welcome, dear friends, to the beginning of the end! Last week we got all of Beau Smith’s transphobic rage out of the way, so we can get to the meat of the Guy Gardner saga: a boss rush! No, not with the Tormocks, the ancient alien race that wanted to enslave the entire universe. All of those other assholes.
BW: We do get a gorgeous cover to start the show off though. A reverse of the “villains staring down a hero” moment.
TGH: At least someone gave his all on this comic, if only occasionally.
QP: How did they sucker Phil Jimenez into doing so many covers for this garbage book?
BW: Blackmail? A hostage situation? Who knows?
QP: It’s too early in the timeline for hacked nudes, so I’m going with butt photocopies at the Christmas party.
DN: We need to find him at a con with every cover he did and have him sign every one while we just stare at him, judgingly.
QP: While wearing Warrior’s shirts.
DN: Oh no, I’ll be body painted.
TGH: They are out of time for setup at this point, so our story opens with Guy explaining everything we need to know about his situation so there’s no need for buildup. SURELY this is the issue that everyone was going to pick up, saving the series, so we needed a summary.
QP: On the upside, the interiors are actually some fairly decent arting for a change.
BW: I’m betting the art was consistently late, so the colorist didn’t have time to do the job he wanted to do. Thus this book actually looks like his usual work.
QP: They mention his mom moving in to Warrior’s, despite the fact that it has had absolutely no effect on anything that happened since then.
TGH: Seriously, they’re wasting what little time they have with that piece of information.
DN: The look on Zinda’s face is totes amazing.
QP: The first page alone is such great art, it’s really disappointing they waited until the absolute end of the comic to bring it in.
BW: It’s almost as if the editorial team decided they wanted a do-over of the last issue.
TGH: Funny how the entire last issue was summed up just fine in less than one page.
QP: Yes, but with considerably less wank material.
BW: And with four more colors than we got last issue.
TGH: Oh crap, we used up a whole page, better jump right into Sledge punching Guy in the face!
DN: THROUGH A CAR.
QP: Look! Backgrounds!
BW: With notable chaos, crashed cars, knocked over hydrants, and text on the theater marquee!
TGH: The comic staff should stop giving me ideas.
DN: Yeah, I’d take a swing at Beau Smith if I saw him.
QP: Why is Sledge talking about Detroit steel? Had he seen a mid-’90s Ford Taurus?
TGH: I do like the (completely unintentional) parallel between the very first issue of Guy Gardner Reborn where he was beating the shit out of Black Hand in Times Square, and this issue, where he himself is having the shit beat out of him in Times Square.
QP: As usual with an issue of Guy Gardner, there’s a lot of punching filling in for plot.
TGH: Sledge is really kicking Guy’s ass. If only Steel or someone would jump in and help, since that seems to work when it’s allowed to. Also, despite Guy supposedly leveling up as many times as he has, Sledge seems to somehow still be his hardest enemy to fight.
QP: Guy’s done such a good job building up everyone’s confidence and trust in him, though, so why isn’t every hero jumping in to help? I’m sorry, I mean, take out the bad guys for him. Since that’s what always happens.
TGH: Doesn’t he live with a bunch of people who love getting involved in shit like this?
QP: Only when the plot requires it.
BW: Wildcat has worn that costume for the last 72 hours, damn it! The man needs a break!
DN: He showers in the suit.
BW: That can’t smell good at ALL.
TGH: Guy implies that Sledge and Evil Guy are gay because sometimes they try to kill him together. Honestly, I think Guy is jealous.
DN: The Warrior doth protest too much.
TGH: Then Sledge calls him a pansy. Dear God, does this fight go on for far too long.
BW: “Plot < punching.” -Beau Smith
QP: Elsewhere, Martika is talking to a mysterious person in her much more legibly drawn costume. Martika sics the shadow figure on Veronna.
TGH: That’s…surprisingly competent planning for a villain in this comic?
QP: It’s a plan and not just punching, so yes.
BW: Special note: We’re still getting backgrounds. I’m in shock.
QP: A fully rendered helicopter and everything!
TGH: Back at the fight, there is still a fight! Sledge mirrors my thoughts on Steel not being there. That makes me sad for myself.
QP: You and Sledge are both good at hanging lampshades. Guy blasts Sledge out of the panel, just in time for Clone Guy to appear.
DN: ENFORCER joins the fray!
BW: This really is just a fighting game, isn’t it?
TGH: In a complete twist, Guy gets punched some more once THE ENFORCER arrives.
QP: But Sledge pins him down first, so the punching is wholly one-sided.
TGH: After being beaten around for 15 minutes, Guy turns his face into metal, but not like pure metal. Fabricated metal that has been joined together by tiny elves with rail guns.
BW: Elves work overnight, man. That stuff takes time!
QP: There’s flesh leaking out between panels. Or maybe tears, who knows?
TGH: Guy uses some rear guns to blast Sledge right in his stupid face, and then a giant ball is dropped in him by That Pirate Guy From That One Issue. He’s flying on a giant ship’s wheel because he is a pirate and dropping cannon balls also because he is a pirate.
DN: Don’t forget his sword because he is a pirate.
BW: Also singing sea shanties and carrying a saber. Dude stays on brand.
QP: And saying something about a dead man’s chest.
TGH: This was the first person Guy beat when he didn’t even have control over his powers. How is he not a stain on the concrete before he says his 50th cliche pirate sentence?
BW: The Law of “Guy Needs A Rogues Gallery and We’ll Take What we Can Get”.
TGH: “Arr, matey! Time to walk the plank! Treasure maps! Parrots!” *explodes into a sea of viscera*
QP: It makes a little sense for him not to be able to beat Sledge because he’s never beat Sledge on his own, but pirate dude? He should be a smear across Times Square already.
QP: Elsewhere, Veronna and Lady Blackhawk are in a plane, fancy that.
TGH: They are delivering computer equipment somewhere, which is not interesting at all, and Veronna doesn’t need to be there probably.
QP: But at least she can tell, wherever they are, that Guy is “troubled.” Thank you, Captain Obvious.
DN: She can sense that Guy is parrying a sword and shooting pirates at the same time, which is actually kind of rad looking.
QP: Rad looking, except for the horror that is his arm gun.
TGH: If Guy had used two arm guns that pirate guy would be dead like the other equally-powerful pirate guys.
QP: But no. Flesh sword.
BW: Look, if you’re in God Mode and can sword fight a pirate, you sword fight the pirate. That’s just how it is.
QP: I call into question the idea that Guy has ever been in God Mode for the entire run of this comic.
TGH: Kudos to the one goon for cutting his hand off to replace with a hook. A+ for commitment.
TGH: Pirate Man somehow is still alive, so Guy just punches him in his idiot face.
QP: That is definitely not something he could’ve done earlier.
DN: Guy almost gets to murder Pirate Guy but is stopped by a blast from Dementor because Dementor can blast now, I guess.
TGH: Surely Dementor would appreciate this pretender being gutted in front of everyone, mind-controlled or not.
BW: I know *I* would.
TGH: Meanwhile, the mysterious figure from before delivers the sickest burn ever to a door. “Closed, eh? NOT ANYMORE!” Door got TOLD.
QP: That “closed” standee of Guy is happier than Guy has ever looked in is entire life.
TGH: What repairs had to be made since the last time they repaired the place?
DN: Health code shut them down because of Wildcat.
BW: You just can’t GET his smell out of a room.
QP: Probably Guy got drunk and blasted a hole in the wall.
TGH: He did punch a table last issue because he got a mean letter.
QP: If he’s that easy to set off, I doubt that bar ever gets to be open.
TGH: Buck sure knows how to invest. This is probably why we never hear from him again. He’s run away to change his name and start another scam. He’s actually Funky Flashman in disguise.
TGH: Meanwhile, Guybot 3000 is holding his own against everyone.
QP: He turns into one of the Metal Men and shorts ENFORCER’s electro hand into Pirate’s sword.
TGH: THE ENFORCER must be embarrassed to be murdered in the exact same way as Pirate Asshole.
BW: Wouldn’t you?
TGH: Back at Warrior’s, Arisia is planning to go to the beach and definitely not get murdered for no fucking reason.
QP: She’s about to regret taking the few extra minutes to pack tanning lotion she doesn’t need.
TGH: At least we get one last look at her ass beforehand. Also, she thinks Tiger-Man is behind her and tells him to not even think about it? What? Grabbing her ass? What the fuck is going on in this restaurant?
QP: Grounds for a sexual harassment suit. That’s what’s happening.
DN: I’m sure Major Force is just there for a cup of coffee and everything will be fine and won’t involve fridges in any way.
BW: I appreciate that at DC, once we’ve decided that certain bad guys are good at one thing, THEY DO IT ALL THE TIME. See also Dr. Light.
TGH: She’s fine! See? We’re going back to the fight, so everything is probably going to be okay. Nobody has to die! Anyway, back at the fight, Guy murders the fuck out of Sledge very suddenly due to the page count dwindling.
BW: And drops a facehugger on him. Hooray!
DN: Flesh facehugger.
TGH: A sentient facehugger that used to be his hand but then his hand grew back. This book never runs out of ways to disturb me.
QP: Oh yay, now we’re back to Warrior’s.
DN: “Thank you for this delicious cup of coffee, Arisia”
“You’re welcome Major Force”
TGH: I like that Arisia has actual combat experience until she’s being a victim, at which point she can barely swing a handbag. At least we get some major cleavage shots.
QP: Remember a few issues ago, when she was still healing from having her spine broken, and was holding her own against Wildcat? Because Beau Smith doesn’t.
BW: Sigh. For this, we got decent art.
QP: Is she wearing Hal’s flight jacket? Because fuck that.
TGH: He was so good to her. Like a dad.
TGH: Again, back at the damn fight, Dementor is being as annoying as always.
QP: Guy has a flesh gun in his flesh holster with his logo on it. I hate this fucking book so much.
TGH: Beau Smith is in his element with western references, which is really telling that they’re also stupid.
BW: And despite his claims to have seen Tombstone too many times, I don’t remember any of these quotes. Like zero.
QP: Yeah but he references the OK Corral, so obviously he knows.
TGH: Guy puts his gun in a holster, but then it melts into his hand when he picks it up, which has got to cost him a second or two.
DN: I’m going to straight up refer to genitalia as flesh gun or flesh holster now.
QP: You’ll get far with the ladies like that.
TGH: I do like that Guy doesn’t just kill Dementor, but goes out of his way to shoot those stupid chest faces first, so he can be sad.
DN: RIP Dementor, goodbye forever, you pile of shit character.
BW: You used up all the purple ink in America for five years. I hope you’re happy.
TGH: Poor Dementor, desperately reminding Guy that he’s the good guy in this comic. Like that’s ever fucking mattered.
QP: “Maybe I’m just not good enough.” No, Guy, you definitely are not.
TGH: Back in the restaurant of terror, Major Force reminds us all that he murders women and stuffs them in refrigerators, his defining trait!
QP: All well-rounded characters have a single defining personality trait that they never stray from.
BW: “I’m not playing any of your psycho games, MF!” Pretty sure MF doesn’t stand for Major Force in this context.
TGH: Where is Tiger-Man? Or Joey? Rita? Anyone? That guy who should’ve gotten the job at Fashion Cafe?
QP: Where’s Arisia’s voice-activated gun?
TGH: Or all of her guns in general?
QP: There’s one little gun in her bag, but that’s it.
TGH: Her sexy battle suit is probably packed next to her bikini.
QP: As with most of the problems that happen at Warrior’s, this all could’ve been solved if Buck had just bothered to install a fully functional security system and not just a big red panic button in the back hallway.
TGH: So yeah, Major Force melts his hand all over her face, killing her horribly. Yay for comics.
DN: Major Fridge strikes again.
QP: Not unlike what Guy just did to Sledge! You figure out who the hero is supposed to be here!
BW: It’s Guy, obviously, as post gunfight someone finally accurately quotes Tombstone.
TGH: I’m sure there’s going to be a “we’re not so different, you and I” speech before this story’s end.
QP: It will be very very accurate, I’m sure.
TGH: Back in the city, Guy is too tired to answer police reports regarding all of the murders that he just committed.
QP: It’s like he’s a cop in Chicago or something.
TGH: There are probably hundreds of pirate goon corpses everywhere.
BW: Which is sad. Because it’s a lot harder to find pirate goons than ninjas. Ninja goons are hiding in the couch cushions. You have to beat the bushes for pirate goons.
TGH: Zinda further obstructs justice by landing her helicopter in the middle of a crime scene and muttering some bullshit about A-1 Priority.
DN: Zinda delivers a note that shows that Major Force has significantly worse penmanship than Dementor.
QP: Major Force doesn’t have access to Microsoft Office Suite and its bevy of default fonts.
TGH: His hand was all goopy. It probably took him a long time to write that. Guy vows to not answer any more police questions and commit One Last Murder.
QP: “Hell’s comin’ with me! Or Zinda’s just gonna drop me off and hover in the helicopter for a few minutes.”
TGH: “Zinda, drop me off and leave. Nobody wants to come up with lines for you.”
BW: Beau “Subtle Homages Are For The Weak” Smith.
TGH: Will Guy Gardner Colon Warrior have his revenge? Will the world be safe from this very specific villain who doesn’t seem to be affecting anyone else? Will this comic finally be over? Find out next time!
TGH: Way to change up the letter section just in time for it to not matter at all. They stuck Arisia on letter duty, like getting murdered wasn’t bad enough.
QP: Libby Singleton is back! Bless her heart, she’s still hanging in there.
TGH: She wants Warrior’s to have a tribute to G’nort. Arisia replies that there totally is, off-camera!
TGH: I did not know that Tiger-Man was a character from the ’60s. I have officially learned a thing.
QP: That is the first thing anyone has ever learned from the Guy Gardner: Warrior letters section.
BW: Other than that the FBI has a watch list.
DN: The next letter is someone pretending to have gone to the Warrior’s Christmas party. Just sad.
TGH: Arisia shames him for getting drunk and spilling drinks all over her all night. That’s why she was never there. She had to change outfits repeatedly.
BW: Oh and then it’s revealed that the reason Arisa was stuck at Warrior’s was that she was answering Guy’s letters. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT GUY.
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QP: No, Mark Waid knew how to write a Batman v Superman story.
QP: DC still doesn’t have a fucking clue.
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BW: Bonus: Smiling Flash!
TGH: Next time, Guy goes to stop Major Force, but first he needs to get some coffee, so he sends Zinda ahead first. Zinda gets murdered horribly, so Guy asks Rita to check on her. Rita doesn’t come back, so he has Veronna go in next.
QP: Veronna makes it out, then kicks Guy’s ass back to South America for setting her up.
TGH: Sally finally comes back and goes in next. She and her lady detectives murder the hell out of Major Force.
DN: Oh how I wish.
TGH: Guy regrets not talking to her for so long, since she totally could have helped with everything this whole time.
BW: In a book titled “The End,” I can only assume that Jim Morrison will drone a 12 hour song in the background while we read the finale. Onward to glory!