TGH: Welcome back, dear readers, to the sexiest Guy Gardner comic of all time! We’ve finally made it to the “famous” issue where Guy turns into a sexy lady because of reasons!
QP: Sexy reasons?
TGH: Dementor is not a sexy reason at all! Spoilers: Dementor did it.
DN: And yet, Gal Gardner is fairly modest, covering her boob region…while wearing a thong and chaps.
TGH: If a half-naked lady Gardner doesn’t make you uncomfortable already, you should know that this was BY FAR the most expensive issue of the bunch when I had to track all of these down. Granted, it was only like $7, but still, that’s about 30x the cost of the cheapest issue I found.
QP: Look, if you can’t Rule 34 to Rule 63, what’s the point of it?
TGH: Our story begins with Guy waking up at exactly 7:36. Pay attention, because this is extremely important.*
*It is not important at all.
I’m glad Guy for some reason announces to no one in particular that he’s going to take a shower because otherwise we’d have to depend on the art to tell us a story.
DN: God forbid.
QP: It wouldn’t even have been that hard.
BW: Could the art or perhaps dialogue tell us why Wildcat is in full costume at 7:36 in the morning?
DN: He never takes it off. Ted Grant is the living embodiment of BO.
BW: Perhaps those are actually his footie pajamas?
TGH: There’s a better story where he and Arisia were up all night on an adventure, which is why her shirt is all torn.
DN: The credits have all the creators listed with lady names. Sigh.
QP: Beaudella isn’t even a name. They didn’t even try.
TGH: Being a woman is hilarious!
QP: It is. I laugh every time I look in the mirror.
TGH: The whole title page is the worst. Can you even say gender bender anymore without being a giant asshole?
TGH: Guy woke up like this. Everyone tries to figure out how this even happened. Luckily Guy’s robe has some weird extra layer under it that covers his nipple, because the artist drew the robe and then at the last second realized that it wouldn’t be covering anything.
QP: Or more likely, he changed into a woman equipped with the standard issue lacy negligee.
TGH: The FedEx guy shows up, and I guess he walked up into Guy’s apartment and to his shower, and delivers a letter.
BW: After chest day. Because seriously, I’ve never seen a FedEx guy this ripped. Or wearing a tie. Comics are weird.
QP: He’s the Formal FedEx.
TGH: Remember when you had to FedEx letters to people instead of using email or phones?
QP: I wonder how much FedEx paid for the product placement, and how hard they immediately demanded their money back.
TGH: Dementor wrote Guy a letter, and has excellent handwriting, but my scan job is not the best, and I can barely read the damn thing.
DN: After I bought an old timey magnifying glass it basically says to come to a fashion show wearing something sexy and that it is totally a trap.
QP: At the very least, it tricked Guy into breaking his house.
TGH: That’s probably worse than Dementor would have with his awful vaudeville act. I think I’d read a series that’s just Dementor irritating Guy just enough to make him break something out of frustration, since that seems right up both of their alleys.
QP: Guy, er, Gal, er, whoever, changes into Warrior. He appears to have also picked up the Witchblade.
DN: And I guess makes himself a flesh bra?
BW: And a far more covered version than on the cover. Thankfully.
QP: It lifts and separates! I don’t really understand why, aside from the flesh bra, the costume and tattoos are any different from normal, but they are.
TGH: Somehow Guy’s chest circle turns into a lovely pendant because he’s a lady and ladies like that kind of stuff, right Beau?
BW: “Ladies like jewelry. I gave her jewelry.”
QP: In fairness, the circle would be obscured by cleavage.
DN: Seems like it would be on both boobs.
DN: Martika storms in, mightily upset that Guy is a Gal. Everyone…pretty much ignores the shit out of her.
TGH: Is it still around 7:30? What the hell is everyone doing running around this early? The FedEx guy already came and went for God’s sake.
DN: Early bird catches the worm donchaknow?
TGH: Why does Dementor even need FedEx? He’s a magic pube nymph; he can probably just make that letter appear.
QP: Martika is wearing a bra over a boob window turtleneck, taking the top prize for “most ridiculous ‘sexy’ outfit ever worn in comics.”
BW: It’s rare I can be embarrassed by an outfit in a comic book, but here we are.
TGH: I’m sure it’ll get better later.
BW: And by better, you mean traumatizing.
QP: Martika is all pissed that Guy isn’t a guy, and storms off, even more pissed that Dementor didn’t stay dead when she killed him.
TGH: She steals Dementor’s letter, almost as if she’s scheming.
BW: I’m not sure where she’s gonna hide it though.
DN: Her vagina.
QP: No, that’s pretty exposed.
TGH: Maritka storms off to her limo, which appears to just be a cat bed on wheels.
TGH: There’s a panel where she’s talking to her underlings, and she waves out the window with what appears to be a severely broken hand. In that same panel it looks like she’s now wearing the bra over the sweater. It’s a new style.
DN: She says she is going to enter them in to her “final equation”. Bullshit, Beau Smith can’t write algebra.
QP: Guy is so perplexed by boobs, its almost funny. “How do you cross your arms with these things?” I know, right? Women never cross their arms.
TGH: Tits: how do they work? Scientists* don’t even know.
QP: *Beau Smith may not actually be a scientist.
TGH: Zinda makes a joke about Guy being pregnant, and oh man that’s exactly what the sequel to this issue would’ve been if it wasn’t cancelled.
TGH: Meanwhile at the fashion show, I have no idea what the fuck Dementor is going on about AT ALL.
QP: Neither did the artist, apparently.
TGH: Just line after line of complete garbage bullshit. Good writing, Beau.
DN: I like that the colorist on this book very frequently just says “fuck it, I’m out.”
TGH: I’m pretty sure the lady on the right is being molested, so that’s cool too.
BW: I blame a poor script with no reference to someone actually hanging. It’s entirely possible the artist didn’t get the reference or just care.
QP: It’s either that or spend a few months trying to color each issue adequately.
TGH: Does Dementor twist that guy’s head off, causing blood to escape from the neck? Because that’s not what that would look like.
QP: I think maybe it’s supposed to be a scarf? Maybe? The art is horrible and the coloring shit, so who can even tell?
TGH: Why is it floating? Does anyone on this comic know anything?
BW: Also Dementor totally missed a chance to wear the letterman sweater again. It’s a fashion show, Dementor. Bring your “A” game, damn it!
TGH: I don’t think Dementor gets to make fun of Guy’s drab outfit while being in a comic that was dropped in grape juice before going to the printer. This comic has always been made by a bunch of lazy assholes, but it’s really getting worse as we crawl our way over the finish line that DC placed in front of them suddenly.
QP: Zinda offers to go with Guy, because she has a lot of skills that will be useful against Dementor.
TGH: She’s attractive, so at the very least she could be a diversion while Beau, I mean Dementor yells a bunch of sexist crap at her.
BW: Much like I don’t think the artist has much experience with women, I’m relatively sure the artist has never been to a fashion show. Seriously there is zero crowd, no runway, and everything is colored purple or brown. Yes, I realize I’m asking for realism from Guy Gardner, but COME ON.
QP: I think, as we assessed last issue, colors are for baby comics, in every conceivable context.
TGH: Guy arrives on the roof and finds another beautifully handwritten note nailed to the door. They’ve invented tape, Dementor.
QP: Maybe he’s taking after Martin Luther.
TGH: Not shown: Dementor painstakingly attaching the same note to every window and door around the entire building to account for every entry Guy could’ve chosen.
BW: The nails show he’s hardcore. The penmanship shows he cares.
QP: Or, the penmanship shows someone just opened up Word 95.
DN: He ditched the nice stationary, though.
TGH: Guy roundhouses the entire door, probably killing the note in the process. I know you’re mad, Guy, but respect the craft.
QP: Elsewhere, Martika is mind probing Dementor, and discovers that he has a mind shield. I guess that’s a new thing for plot convenience.
TGH: Back at the fashion show, Dementor makes up a shitty Bluto quote, because Beau couldn’t be bothered to watch a Popeye cartoon AS USUAL.
“How’s about a smooch, baaaaaaby?” -Pauly Shore
In fairness, he probably got a free pass to Biodome as part of the advertising deal and it was stuck in his head.
QP: For a guy that tries to drop as many Popeye references as he has, you’d think he might’ve watched an episode at one point.
BW: That reeks of effort.
TGH: Martika continues to make some sort of deal on her phone. Weird, I would’ve FedExed the entire thing.
DN: And I think her chest got bigger, somehow.
QP: It’s expanding out of the boob window, like one of those alien stress squeezies.
BW: Consistency? Pshaw! We aim for extreme!
TGH: Guy enters the Purple Zone and hey, Dementor pretty much killed everyone anyway, so I guess Zinda could’ve come after all!
QP: Dementor brags about bumping Guy from an A to a double C cup when A) Guy’s pecs were already bigger than that and B) a double C cup doesn’t exist, in case you were wondering how many women touched on this issue.
TGH: Dementor fires off some great jokes, like how Guy has a big butt, and hey, look at Guy’s tits. This was the year they invented the Double Eisner just for Beau.
BW: Dementor’s hostage cries for help. Sorry, lady, we’re all in this together.
QP: Her behind is still fairly white girl, so I’m not sure what Dementor’s talking about. She does have thighs the size of tree trunks, though.
TGH: Could anyone even draw a big butt in 1996 comics?
DN: Sir Mix-a-lot didn’t read comics back then.
QP: Her thighs are bigger than her torso. At least, in this panel, because they’re closer to anatomically correct on the next page.
QP: Consistency is for “professionals” that still have a “successful careers in comics” 20 years later.
TGH: Dementor demands that Guy get rid of his gun arms or else he will bring the death toll from 10,000 to 10,001.
DN: He also insults the intelligence of runway models, because Dementor is the worst.
TGH: Pretty people can’t be smart!
QP: Then he makes fun of Guy for coming alone, despite the fact that he told him to come alone.
TGH: Almost every line Dementor says contains some of him/her, he/she bullshit because this comic is the goddamn worst.
QP: Back in the Quorum labs, some Science is happening. This might be important at some point.
TGH: Something is in a tank and some Kirby scientist tells us how much of a threat this guy is and how we should be impressed by it.
QP: I mean, I’m impressed, I guess.
DN: And now we’re getting tot the fashion show. Ugh. Strap in, folks.
TGH: So then there are a ton of pages of Guy having to put on a sexy fashion show while Dementor makes a bunch of really intelligent T&A jokes. What is even the end game here? He just gets bored and lets everyone go? Jesus.
QP: The end game is that DC got a lot of unprintable letters about people wanting to bone Warrior, so they tried to figure out the best way to make that happen for them. You know, before they burned it all down.
BW: Luckily Martika stops the proceedings, but not before Dementor puts Guy in a French maid outfit. Which is beginning to make this seem less about Dementor humiliating Guy and more about Dementor interested in something else entirely about Guy.
TGH: Superman never has to deal with this bullshit.
QP: Martika mind blasts Dementor, but is protected by Mudakka, who we all forgot existed after that time he was banished to an inescapable abyss. Not that things like that matter or need any kind of explanation in a Guy Gardner comic.
TGH: DC Comics: No Racial Slur Intended
QP: Mudakka isn’t offended so why are you offended, GOD. Dementor can’t be racist, he has a black dad.
TGH: Martika somehow found a worse outfit.
BW: She does confirm for the studio audience that she waxes.
TGH: I like the chain from her foot to her vagina, mostly because it makes me feel like I’ve got so much more to learn about kinks.
TGH: Mudakka is supposed to be a major threat from previous issues, but we’re kind of pressed for time what with the comic being cancelled and all, so a goon just shoots him right in the chest. THE END.
BW: Oddly enough, I actually like that sequence. Mostly because it highlights how stupid Dementor is.
QP: Somehow neither he nor Dementor considered that possibility.
BW: Which I appreciate.
TGH: Martika makes a vulgar cunnilingus gesture while he does it in case we weren’t still thinking of someone’s weird concept of sex.
TGH: Now that someone else took care of Dementor, Guy is free to spend a second saving everyone.
QP: Just one second though. And not without bitching about having tits first.
TGH: Being a girl is the most embarrassing and terrible thing to ever happen to him.
QP: At least this will be over before he gets his first period. Imagine the horror of a Vuldarian menstrual cycle.
DN: Just a fountain of blood.
QP: With a mind of it’s own.
TGH: Gun parts everywhere.
TGH: With Ghost Dad gone, Martika regains control of Dementor, and he changes Guy back into non-sexy Guy.
QP: Well, into Gordon Ramsey’s head on Guy’s body.
DN: But with more muscles.
TGH: Now that Guy’s back to “normal,” Martika tries to take over his mind too, but it’s no use! Veronna was hiding in a closet nearby the entire time!
QP: Are you sure that’s Veronna? She’s got a lot of clothes on.
TGH: It’s probably just one of the bartenders trying to fit in.
“Your jungle girl saved you this time! No racial slurs intended!”
QP: Martika poofs into the ether with Dementor, who can’t resist making another lady joke at Guy.
TGH: Veronna then explains the entire mind meld thing to everyone, even though it already happened and I’m pretty sure none of the readers are confused by this point. I mean, really.
BW: Martika then poses with Guy’s sad, sad Rogue’s Gallery.
QP: AKA the four people Guy’s managed to fight over the course of 42 issues.
BW: I mean if Power Pack has a more subtle and nuanced villain’s group than you do, you’ve got a problem.
DN: Who doesn’t remember Sledge? And that…dude with a beard…
TGH: Where does The Enforcer begin and Dementor end?
QP: Where it becomes muddy purple instead of muddy blue.
TGH: I guess Martika also has a cat bed in her final dungeon.
QP: The rules require that sexy ladies have cat beds to hang out in.
TGH: Will Martika get the upper hand? Will Guy just spam Metal Blade on everyone like a lameass? Find out next time in “A Warrior’s Passing!” I like where this is going!
TGH: The letters start by throwing in just a few more “lol girl” jokes.
QP: Man, I bet if Guy actually broke a nail, he wouldn’t even know how to deal with it. The first letter writer is apparently the only person on earth that has strong enough feelings about John Stewart to hate him.
BW: Also the letters page highlights at least one or two more actual sociopaths.
DN: I mean, I just assume if you wrote in to this comic you hurt small animals as a child.
BW: Even though this was prior to JLU, how can you actually hate John Stewart?
DN: Well, maybe he really liked Xanshi, the planet John blew up.
TGH: The whole rest of the letter responses is Guy hilariously calling people Cutie and wanting to snuggle because GIRLS AMIRITE? Also one last he/she in the next issue box. Please go fuck yourselves.
DN: This comic was really sensitive on trans issues. Oh wait, the opposite of that.
BW: I’m convinced if the book came out today, Dementor would have been wearing a fedora. Excuse me, a Trilby.
90’s Ad Showcase:
DN: There’s an ad for Starman. Go fucking buy that.
QP: Proof that the ’90s weren’t 100% a black hole for comics. Just 99.9% of one.
BW: Oh and Batman: Black and White. SO GOOD. One of the best Two Face stories of all time, courtesy of Bruce Timm. Howard Chaykin! Walt Simonson! (P.S. many of those stories are available for free on Comixology, check ’em out.)
TGH: Malcolm McDowell: A good face for moving software. I thought he was just wearing a polo shirt at first.
QP: I’d guess maybe one kid who saw this ad had a clue who Malcolm McDowell was.
TGH: “Hey guys, it’s your friend Malcolm, here to tell you about a new game I worked on.”
BW: He was the guy in Tank Girl to that kid.
QP: Sadly, a lot of readers of this comic would have loved the shit out of A Clockwork Orange, for the wrong reasons.
TGH: For God’s sake, Mark Hamill is also on the box. I feel like kids might want to play another space adventure with Luke Skywalker.
QP: Maybe the ads on books that actuallly sold well had Mark Hamill on them.
TGH: I could count on no hands how many people probably bought that game based on an ad in Guy Gardner: Warrior.
BW: Martika takes her entourage on the road!
QP: Unfortunately, the tour is canceled after Dementor murders the entire audience at their very first show within minutes of curtain.
BW: Still they perform “Toy Soldiers,” so the crowd dies happy.