TGH: Welcome once again to your weekly dose of lousy ’90s comics! As we rush towards the merciful end to Guy Gardner: Warrior, we find ourselves at a pretty strange issue, which I know isn’t saying much, but still. The basic premise is Guy is having a cartoon made about his definitely not-safe-for-children adventures, so the top half of each page is what’s really happening, and the bottom half is the cartoon’s depiction of the same events. I’m pretty sure that’s what the cover is trying to convey, though both halves are almost the exact same, so good job with that, guys!
QP: Tigerman kinda looks like a Thundercat, I guess.
DN: Fire has standard female spinal issues of the ’90s.
TGH: The issue credits two people with drawing the cover on each side of the line, but I…don’t believe it at all?
BW: To their credit, Tigerman really does look like a Bruce Timm inspired character. On the other hand, the Spank Ray has never looked so very awkward.
TGH: It’s weird that the kid’s version of his gun is the most penis-like of the two. If they did actually split the cover, at least the guy on the left could draw half of an oval.
QP: It’s also weird that Guy’s proportions on the left actually look human.
TGH: Also, it doesn’t seem fair that the left artist got most of the crotch.
QP: I think it’s more unfair that Guy on the left basically wouldn’t have a crotch.
DN: Of course, on both sides it looks like he has Ken doll crotch.
BW: Barbie has never been so disappointed.
QP: Guy just makes the penis sprout from the mid pelvis region when he needs it.
TGH: I’m sure someone has drawn it somewhere.
QP: On Deviantart.
DN: Aaaand barf.
BW: I am NOT putting that in my Search history. Incognito mode be damned.
TGH: Alright, so like I said earlier, the pages are split in half between the actual story and the cartoon, which is perfectly fine and easy to follow in print, but is kind of a mess to keep track of for the purposes of making fun of it on the Internet. So, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, we’re just going to talk about the real events first, then go back and do the cartoon part. This is going to be such a pain to put together. Thanks, comic.
QP: The comic starts with Guy going to Toy Fair to see the new line of Warriors toys. You can tell it’s Toy Fair by the absence of a giant sign that says so, and the complete lack of actual toys on display.
TGH: Another callback to the Christmas issue. I’m amazed. Some lady immediately wants to fuck Guy “Body Horror” Gardner as soon as the enters the building. Probably because of his weird Vuldarian penis.
QP: It’s a corkscrew. He also menaces a Power Ranger for absolutely no reason, just to make sure you know he’s a pile of garbage.
TGH: He threatens to kill a Power Ranger because Powers Rangers are super gay and Guy Gardner is definitely not and Beau Smith in no way gets pissed every time he brings up Guy’s morphing powers and someone makes a Power Rangers joke.
BW: Though ironically he looks NOTHING like any Power Ranger I’ve ever seen. He can’t even be bothered to sell the joke.
QP: So who on DC staff do you think was making the Power Rangers jokes at Beau Smith’s expense?
TGH: Probably all of them.
DN: Eddie Berganza. I imagine he was mocking Beau for the whole run.
TGH: After about a month of Beau coming into work and punching people in the shoulder “jokingly” and harassing all the women, people were just waiting for this to come to an end.
BW: There are a shocking number of people in costume at this Toy Fair – which makes me wonder why they didn’t just set this at a convention and be done with it. But…forward!
DN: Veronna is out in public dressed like a Frazetta painting but with less clothes.
QP: Guy admits that he doesn’t look at any of the stuff Buck makes him sign, so I’m assuming he’d be a millionaire off the likeness rights alone if he’d actually paid attention.
TGH: Buck gets to keep his remains once he dies. And owns all of his offspring. Guy meets up with everyone, and I can’t help but notice that Kyle Rayner is nowhere to be found. Probably after realizing he’d be working on a Guy Gardner toy line, he quit his career forever.
BW: Well, everything in this issue is a study in brown. Brown suits, brown shirts, brown hair, brown ties. Kyle has suffered his share of indignities, but he refused to be the Brown Lantern.
QP: This is the brown note of comics.
DN: Is he still the White Power Lantern? I haven’t kept up.
TGH: Hal will always be the Brown Lantern.
QP: Guy is reintroduced to Olivia Reynolds, who is in charge of her toy line. She seems like a perfectly normal lady who’s sexual proclivities are in no way on display. Remember that for later.
TGH: Veronna falls all over Guy, which is a bit of a slide backwards. She was doing so much better recently, merely referring to any lady who talked to Guy as a whore, and not offering to give him food and a vagina.
QP: It’s impressive enough that she hasn’t been arrested for public nudity, but now you’re throwing solicitation into the mix.
TGH: I mean, she’s not charging him.
BW: Apparently that’s her super power.
DN: Remember Sally? Back in the good old days of Gardner when we had a sex worker who was just a pal?
TGH: Editorial threw a fit about the non-sexual sex worker.
DN: Eddie Berganza again.
TGH: Olivia hands Guy the pilot to the cartoon, the cartoon that tells the events of this very day! Guy, watch it now and your day will be so much easier!
BW: I’ve seen Spaceballs. It rarely helps.
QP: Elsewhere, apparently now in the middle of the night, a suspicious truck backs up to the Toy Fair.
DN: Oh joy, it’s Walmart brand villains sponsored by the Quorum.
TGH: The truck’s full of ninjas who spent maybe a little too much time at the gym. That has got to add a penalty to their stealth stat. They’re the Cell Block, and their leader is Dungeon! He has a little jail cell on his chest! Adorable!
QP: Aww, he’s got a cutie mark!
TGH: He has metal pouches! How do they even work?
QP: Probably the same as magnets.
TGH: The Dungeon and his gang need to kidnap Guy and steal his DNA. You know, you could just get shot by him and then you’d have a flesh bullet.
QP: Ew, that raises a lot of awful questions.
TGH: There’s probably all kinds of gross shit in that one Quorum base he shot up that one time.
BW: But that plan doesn’t involve twenty of the buffest ninjas of all time, so screw that!
DN: Meanwhile, the toy exec is showing off the prototypes of Guy’s toy line. Toy Veronna has so many more clothes than real Veronna.
TGH: Aww, Guy is softening up to the idea of having Gardner toys. Especially the “nervo glove” action, whatever the flying fuck that is.
DN: The “nervo glove” is when you sit on your hand until it’s numb and then jerk off.
TGH: Since Guy’s powers are gross, I’m imagining all of his nerves ooze out of his hand and turn into a barbed wire glove. Guy screams the entire time he uses it.
BW: The Nervo Glove Gauntlet has been thrown.
QP: Man, this book isn’t called Guy Gardner: Masochist. The Quorum ninjas attack, and people freak out, like you do.
TGH: Luckily Fire was just walking by when everyone came pouring out of the convention center.
BW: Good thing she was already in costume.
TGH: Apparently Buck got Fire to sign her likeness away when she was drunk.
BW: Buck Wargo – Capitalist.
TGH: Fire got fucked twice that night.
QP: If we make it to the end of this series and Buck Wargo doesn’t turn out to be some kind of villain, I’ll be shocked. I mean not really because that’s more depth than this comic is capable of, but still.
BW: How freaking big was that truck the ninjas came in on? We went from twenty to at least a hundred. Excuse me, hundreds, according to Senior Statistics Expert, Guy Gardner.
QP: Veronna is down to just a bikini top now. It’s kind of amazing how her clothes just vaporize once the fighting starts.
DN: She may have a piece of floss in that center panel.
TGH: The ninjas try to take Buck and Olivia, but Buck is dual-wielding shotguns, so they just take the weak female character instead.
QP: Why does Buck have a shotgun at Toy Fair? Why does Buck have TWO shotguns at Toy Fair?
TGH: Dungeon threatens to kill Olivia unless Guy comes with him, but not before he introduces himself, because when you’re up all night making that costume, you’re going to let everyone know about it.
BW: Metal pouches? You’re damn right you let people know who you are!
TGH: I hope his chest actually contains a tiny cell that he expects Guy to climb into.
QP: At least Olivia is fighting back and not crying like most of the other lady hostages in this series.
TGH: Guy refuses to listen to his stupid demands, so then Veronna just spears him right through the arm like it was nothing. I think Dungeon’s costume might actually just be foil.
QP: Metallic spandex is a thing.
DN: I mean, that seems easier than welding a costume.
QP: Guy told Veronna to spear him thru their unexplainable psychic link. That was definitely easier than just fighting the guy.
TGH: “You took a big chance with that woman’s life,” Fire exclaims while filling the entire area around that woman with flames.
QP: I’m sure Dungeon threw her halfway across the room and safely out of harm’s way when he got speared, instead of just continuing to hold on to her with his other arm.
BW: Or reflexively crushing her.
QP: Those things would never happen.
TGH: Fire asks Guy if this is a date. Superhero lives are fucked up.
QP: Every date Guy goes on ends in fighting.
TGH: Guy gets all reflective while they kill ninjas, and wait, does Buck just have a stick that fires bullets? Are guns just getting too hard to draw in this comic about a cosmic gun man?
QP: Pretty sure Buck’s gun is a bamboo rifle from Panderia.
BW: “I wonder is she likes John Wayne movies?” Probably not Guy, probably not.
DN: Fire’s thighs are bigger than her waist. How many squats do you have to do?
DN: Quad implants? Is that a thing?
BW: Yes. I’m sorry.
TGH: Some weird back and forth happens with Dungeon, Guy and a chain. I don’t know what is even happening. Guy deflects an attack by talking or whatever, I guess. Then he beats the shit out of Dungeon pretty handily. What a great villain.
QP: It’s great that we’ve been reading well over 40 issues of this stupid comic book that is 96% fight scenes and not once has any of those fight scenes been intelligible.
TGH: He gives Dungeon his card so they know where to find him. They know, Guy. It’s the giant bar with your name all over it.
BW: Man, they’re REALLY getting some use out of the logo this issue.
TGH: Afterwards, Guy tries to figure out what the hell just happened, while Buck’s glamour wears off and he reverts to his true walrus form.
QP: Buck would like some little oysters now, thank you. I like that they’re just hanging out having drinks in the wreckage of their toy display.
DN: “Quorum may be a lot of things, but dumb ain’t one of ’em.” REALLY GUY? FUCKING REALLY?
QP: Everyone in this book is dumb. When they had Steel show up he lost about 100 IQ points.
TGH: Back at the Quorum lab, it turns out that they really were just looking for a sufficient amount of flesh bullets. So now I guess they’ll be making some Guy Gardner: Clone Warriors.
BW: Quorum’s next batch of ninjas will be even less stealthy than their predecessors.
QP: If Guy could’ve just reigned in his violent tendencies for a minute, things would’ve been fine.
DN: How did I not notice ninjas 13 and 14? They were ten fucking feet tall and built like brick shithouses.
BW: Spoiler: they accidentally got some of Buck Wargo’s tiny little buckshot rounds by mistake.
TGH: The story ends with some DNA horror brewing already. Guy should fire himself into the sun to spare everyone from shit like this.
QP: He needs an anti-It’s A Wonderful Life. Look at all this horrible shit that happens because you’re alive! The world would be so much better without you, Guy!
TGH: Every single issue gets re-written with Superman solving everything instantly with no collateral damage.
TGH: So now that we’ve reached the end, let’s go back and read the entire issue again, IN CARTOON FORM.
TGH: The cartoon does a better job of telling us about Toy Fair, because the building at least has a whimsical giant duck on the roof.
BW: One would think they’d use a toy soldier instead, but ehhh.
QP: G’nort is here, filling the Snarf/Orko/Casey Jones role. Except, mean and un-G’nortlike. The tone is really interesting here. At first glance, it seems like it’s making fun of the comic, where Guy is actually a nice guy, but then it’s almost too much. Guy isn’t just nice, he kinda seems like a dimbulb.
BW: “Peachy” is our catchphrase, for example.
TGH: I’m glad they rewrote his interaction with the Power Ranger to not make him an insecure, violent sociopath.
QP: I think G’nort comes across as an asshole because that was 13 whole pages of script where no one was using Beau Smith voice otherwise.
TGH: G’nort is just saying what we’re all thinking.
QP: He probably would’ve been better off working for Superboy.
BW: It’s amazing how much clearer everything is in this half of the book. Hooray competent coloring!
QP: Yeah, I mean, I assume they used the same colorist? Maybe just having art you can actually see clearly helps in that instance.
QP: Crazy idea, I know.
DN: But where are all the muscles and pouches???
QP: Either that or the direction was “bottom half is for kids, so put colors in it. Top half is for adults so fuck that noise.”
TGH: Guy meets up with Olivia, a feeemale with a strong handshake. Ewwwwww.
QP: Buck is just a giant walking cowboy stereotype.
TGH: There’s so much happening here. Veronna wants Guy’s children, Buck is lassoing people in costume. Are people having fun with this?
QP: No fun allowed.
TGH: I can’t believe it.
QP: Then, of course, they immediately start with lesbian jokes.
BW: See also the “firm handshake.”
QP: Again, Olivia in the main story didn’t exhibit any particular leanings, which means she definitely didn’t want to get with our hero. So obviously, lesbian.
BW: I hate they had to throw the gender bullshit jokes in here because this section is so much fun.
QP: It really ruins it. And it gets so much worse as we go on.
TGH: Beau can’t help it; all of the attractive ladies are either taken or gay or hate him.
DN: She also says the pilot is shit!
TGH: That’s a great way to advertise the pilot: saying it sucks during the actual pilot.
BW: I appreciate the ’90s era joke about Toy Biz. Buck Wargo lassoes up a Wolverine expy and throws him back because he’s too small.
TGH: They do know that Guy Gardner: Warrior didn’t actually get a toy line, right? Meanwhile, a truck pulls up, not full of ninjas, but from a bunch of losers from Quorum Toys.
QP: I love that the Quorum Toys ninjas are pudgy guys with amazing pecs.
BW: Don’t forget to honk for evil!
QP: “Honk for Evil” is amazing.
TGH: They are led by The Debt, who actually has a more practical costume than The Dungeon.
DN: It involves 100% less welding.
BW: And 100% more pastels. The Debt is, in short, the best.
DN: I’m going to go as the Debt next Halloween.
TGH: Their whole plan is to destroy everyone else’s toys for reasons. I’m surprised they didn’t make these guys a mockery of Toy Biz.
BW: The fact that the ninjas have been replaced by older dudes hitting people with pool noodles is just great. Completely without irony, it’s just great.
QP: If they had put half as much creativity into the main series as they’d put into this throwaway gag section, we might not be working on this project today.
QP: Olivia shows Guy Veronna’s action figure and it all gets uncomfortably sexual. Lesbians! They want to fuck plastic dolls! Just like straight men!
BW: Ahem. Action figure.
DN: Get out.
TGH: Those crazy lesbians and their uncontrollable lust. Speaking of which, did you see the most recent EVERY OTHER HETERO COMIC THAT CAME OUT EVER?
QP: Hey the industry let the gays have Northstar. I mean, just for like one issue and then they shelved him until they needed some points and married him off again, but still! They’re progressive.
TGH: The Quorum nerds just start running around, ‘Spong’ing everyone, which was not even their plan.
BW: “You toy guys have no idea of how to hit on women, do you?” I’m selectively editing this to be fun. Lesbian jokes be damned.
QP: The fight makes its way to the Warriors, and at the first sound of a fight, Buck points out that he must rip his shirt. It’s so wonderful and you ruin it by making it share a panel with another lesbian joke.
TGH: Fire arrives and makes it a point to let everyone know that she’s glad to have signed her rights away, as outlined in the contract that she signed while drunk.
QP: She tells Guy how much fun she had at their Christmas slumber party. Bless.
TGH: Guy and Fire do some tame flirting while they talk about the intercourse they had.
QP: And then Guy starts talking to her in Portuguese, which is where all suspension of disbelief flies off the rails.
TGH: Olivia gets kidnapped again, as per the original timeline.
DN: Not before clearly checking out Fire, because in case you missed it, lesbians.
QP: Fortunately, Olivia kicks the Quorum guy’s asses, while muttering Rush Limbaugh’s idea of a feminist credo.
BW: To be fair, “Start spitting enamel!” is a pretty good line.
TGH: This gives Guy some extra time to talk about Fire’s boobs.
QP: Guy compliments Fire’s gravity powers holding her costume up, which is probably the best unintentional dig at superheroine costumes.
TGH: The Debt assumes everyone is running from Guy, and not something much, much worse: a f-f-f-feminist!!!
QP: Stupid feminists, not just standing there and screaming when they’re taken hostage.
TGH: Buck spends most of the time in the background, beating the shit out of innocent businessmen.
QP: Guy calls the Debt a foul cur. Real Guy probably had to go look that up.
TGH: Guy uses the worst weapon they could think of: a feminist cannon! Which would actually be awesome if everyone on this comic didn’t think the joke is that feminists are disgusting.
QP: I wish Guy normally turned into a giant blue catapult.
TGH: It’s relatively easy to draw, so they might not even screw it up in a panel or two.
QP: “Oh joy, the Anita Hill express.” Fuck you. Just, fuck you.
BW: Selective editing! “Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet! I’m gonna break your face!”
QP: Not entirely sure where Olivia picked up the sexy Rosie the Riveter costume.
TGH: Maybe it’s not really Olivia, but Guy Flesh Olivia. Maybe Guy can create life, like that Clayface episode of Batman TAS.
DN: Oh man, that episode messed me up.
TGH: Buck refuses to help, as his shirt is gone, so it’s beer o’clock.
QP: The running Buck lampshade is the best thing about this. Olivia starts beating Debt with a stiletto, because feminists hate high heels. Beau knows, because some dude told him that one time.
TGH: As punishment for being a man, The Debt has to wear an apron, which is the ultimate punishment for a fragile masculinity.
DN: Of course, Olivia hits on Veronna before departing, because they can’t beat a dead horse hard enough.
TGH: Guy takes the real ladies back to Warrior’s for milk and cookies, while Buck demands additional beer. They all walk off into the sunset and WHERE THE HELL ARE GUY’S PANTS?!
QP: Oh my Gooooooooood. This is just your daily reminder that his pants are made of skin.
DN: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
TGH: He can’t control it sometimes when he’s turned on. Guy. Sun. Now.
TGH: The cartoon ends not with everyone stabbing their eyes out with a spoon, but with an ad for the new Guy Gardner toy line.
QP: I think these are supposed to be actual images of the figures, Even today’s modern figures with all our crazy high tech articulation couldn’t make some of these poses.
TGH: Buck Wargo: Actual pile of cow shit not included.
DN: Veronna has Skull Crushing thigh action, because women, amiright?
QP: It annoys the bejesus out of me that they gave Zinda flight attendant accessories.
TGH: I like that Joey just screams lines from other Asians. I could see a white person making that toy IRL.
QP: Rita’s guns matching her outfit is kinda great, though.
TGH: Murdering people in service of your crime lord employer is no excuse not to look your best.
QP: That’s also the most clothes Veronna has ever worn.
DN: Her midriff is not exposed for the first time ever.
QP: Despite the fact that she was way more naked in both versions of the figure. This must be like when the She-ra figures looked nothing like the cartoon.
TGH: Arisia isn’t even a toy, despite clearly seeing a toy when they presented the toys at Christmas. Are these Target exclusives?
QP: She’s the build-a-figure.
TGH: Send G’nort money and he’ll send you naked pictures from the shower room.
QP: This is for children.
DN: Oh sorry, that offer is only good if you’re a citizen of a city we blew up that drove Hal Jordan insane.
QP: The issue ends with the entire Warrior’s team jamming into a broom closet to watch the cartoon. For some reason, Chewbacca is also there.
DN: Is that supposed to be Arisia in the corner? She somehow decided to stop being an ORANGE ALIEN.
QP: It’s part of her magic new healing ability. She cured her jaundice.
TGH: Arisia is mad because not only did they write her out of the last 2 issues, they also cut her out of the cartoon too.
QP: She didn’t even get to go to the Christmas party. They’re all clearly sitting in each other’s laps to fit in this room. Buck, you are a bazillionaire. You couldn’t make a big enough TV room to fit 10 people in? I can fit 10 people in my living room and I only make 5 digits.
BW: There’s the ability to do so and the desire to do so. In other words, Buck is a weird dude.
TGH: If Chewbacca was coming to watch TV in my house I’d probably find the room I least cared about smelling bad for weeks, in fairness. Everyone thinks the pilot sucks, shockingly. Unfortunately they waited until one hour before it aired to watch the tape that they needed final approval on, so I guess they have nobody to blame but themselves.
QP: Good job, Guy.
DN: That is some next level procrastination.
TGH: Guy Gardner: Procrastinator. Guy walks Fire out after she has enough, and she gives him a kiss and flies home, and away from this comic forever.
QP: Thank God.
TGH: She went on vacation with his mom.
QP: Maybe they went to visit Sally at the Old Supporting Characters home.
DN: *Sheds a single tear*
TGH: Now that Guy has a hit TV show, will he let fame and fortune go to his head? Will he be able to fight crime with swarms of adoring kids following him everywhere? Will this TV show ever be mentioned ever again? Find out next time!
QP: The letters start out with a listing of the other Guy Gardner figures you can get. I would actually like a classic Guy figure if it just says “Hal Jordan’s a weenie!”
TGH: I’ll take a Guy Gardner Reborn figure too, if only for the boots.
QP: The bit about breaking the Arisia figure is not okay, but I didn’t expect much better.
TGH: Jeremiah Hoover was apparently featured in the Evil Guy issue and has lost his damn mind about it.
QP: He talks like Guy. I think he’s a plant.
TGH: Guy’s response is just like “Haha yep. Thanks for the letter.”
QP: My favorite thing is that they made the font on these way larger because they are clearly running out of letters.
TGH: That and they went ahead and filled most of a page with those stupid action figures. Gee, I wonder if the readership is down or something?
DN: The FBI keeps apprehending readers of this book.
QP: If they’d had normal font size and not filled half the first page with garbage about fake action figures, I doubt they could’ve filled a whole page.
TGH: I can only assume it’ll be getting worse.
QP: The final issue will be in 48 pt font.
’90s Ad Showcase:
QP: Honeycomb is still trying to get you to buy video games.
TGH: If you have to buy certain games to get a deal, maybe a) list the games, or b) make them remotely legible.
DN: Holy shit, there was VR Troopers game???
QP: There’s Super Return of the Jedi. That’s not bad.
TGH: I guess you have to buy a box of cereal for the actual details. Well played.
TGH: CyberMage looks like some lame shit, but I noticed that even in the ancient web days of 1996, EA was already building the foundation for Origin. That’s like looking at old photos and seeing the very beginning of a Death Star in the sky in like 1915.
QP: If you go to the website listed it takes you straight to Origin’s storefront. I was hoping it would be some kinda horrible blast from the past like the Space Jam website.
TGH: Ancient evil is a long game. You gotta respect it.
TGH: Seven days after watching the pilot, everyone dies.
QP: Fortunately, Guy called Olivia and bitched her out, so they pulled the pilot from air. Only a closet full of people was actually effected.