TGH: Season’s Greetings, True Warriors! Since Halloween is over, it is now officially Christmas in America! And what better way to celebrate than with a special Christmas issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior?
QP: Thanksgiving would be a start.
TGH: Oh come on, nobody likes Christmas Half-Time, and I don’t even want to think about how Guy would carve a turkey.
QP: Guy just turns his hand into a turkey.
TGH: Everyone has to eat it to keep from hurting his feelings, and they all get violently ill.
QP: Cannibalism just isn’t for everyone.
TGH: Halfway through chewing it, it turns back into his hand
QP: On that delightful note…
TGH: I guess everything from the last few issues turned out fine, because we don’t even talk about Guy and Martika, or beating up Sledge or anything. It’s Christmas now, so we can just sweep everything under the rug and have another party!
QP: Somehow the word about Warrior’s tendency to explode in horrific violence hasn’t gotten out to the greater superhero community, because they all show up for Guy’s big party.
TGH: I guess it’s not anything they don’t see every single month anyway.
QP: I suppose so, though it seems like they’ve just painted a giant target on the roof.
TGH: This doesn’t look like the same artist who did the Warrior’s opening, but this issue is very similar in content.
QP: But with more mistletoe and ho ho ho and presents for pretty girls. I know we say this every issue, but the art is not particularly good here. Knockout seems to have morphed into a noodle woman.
TGH: I hope Blue Beetle gets a new costume for Christmas, because his eyes are slowly drifting to the back of his head. It’s kind of amazing that they take up so much of his face, and yet completely miss where his eyes are.
QP: Maybe he got the Innsmouth look, and had to fix his mask to suit.
TGH: The perspective on this entire page is way off. Tiny people in front, huge people in back. Small hands next to large hands. I think Warrior’s just doesn’t exist in any currently known dimensions.
QP: Yeah, and a bunch of unknown randos in the very front who I guess are maybe our “lucky” cover contest winners from a few issues ago. Or maybe, worse yet, the creative team?
TGH: I thought they might be the team on this issue. Though I can’t (won’t) verify it.
QP: Yeah, that would make sense. That’s why their faces are the only ones on this page that don’t look like complete shit.
TGH: There are 7 names on that page and four people. So half of them were blown off. Halfway through the issue there are no more words or color.
QP: There’s another cranky looking rando over on the right half of the splash, so maybe they spread the wealth around.
TGH: He seems to be smiling at us knowingly, as if we are supposed to have any idea who he is. Maybe one of them is that mysterious elf on the right.
QP: I’m willing to bet some of them just asked very politely not to be drawn.
TGH: The last one is the guy facing the wrong way, because his face was hard.
QP: He’s got a weird scar.
TGH: He has eyes and a nose, and frankly we’re pretty pressed for time here.
TGH: Guy is nowhere to be found at the party, because he’s upstairs in his room, sad that he didn’t sell his soul to Neron and get his girlfriend back. Honestly, I’m surprised they even brought that up ever again.
QP: I mean, they handwaved it away pretty quickly in it’s own event issue.
TGH: He mentions tricking Neron somehow, which I could totally see Guy Gardner Classic doing in an older issue.
QP: New and Improved Guy Gardner would probably just have failed to do it completely, and shouted to the heavens while Neron got away with…whatever he was doing in that crossover.
TGH: Whatever he did is already over, just a few months later. I’m sure it was great.
TGH: Buck and Rita try to get Phantom Stranger to make Guy feel better somehow, while Joey tries to take Katana to a John Woo movie because Asia.
QP: Joey hitting on Katana is cringeworthy. He asks if she wants to go to the John Woo movie, Broken Arrow. I don’t think that the director of that movie was really the selling point for many people. Or that many people even really knew who the director was, honestly.
TGH: She went from “Glad to see you,” to “Well…I…guess,” pretty fast at the mention of that movie. I want to break into Amazon’s warehouse and rename all of the DVDs “John Woo’s Broken Arrow.”
TGH: Also, I just noticed it, but there are quite a lot of panels so far that include someone checking out someone’s ass. Spread the joy of harassment this holiday season. I’m going to have to do an ass-stare counter for this issue.
QP: I think that was the entire first page. Also Buck is trying to creep on Black Canary real hard.
TGH: Is it canon that Phantom Stranger only eats smoldering ashtrays?
QP: It certainly is now.
TGH: On the next page, Constantine is spiking the punch. Come on, Guy Gardner is having a party and that punch isn’t just liquor and food coloring?
QP: Also that’s a pretty small bottle to spike such a large punch bowl with.
TGH: Oh sorry, it’s eggnog. Purple eggnog. My apologies. This is why the colorist wasn’t drawn in the opening.
QP: Eggnog is already alcoholic!
TGH: Then Guy is introduced to Olivia Reynolds and one Kyle Rayner, who are working on a Warrior toy line.
QP: The selling point is that they make female figures.
TGH: How novel!
QP: Plastic boobs were a new technology in 1996.
TGH: Also Kyle gets leered at because that’s just where this issue is going for everyone. I like that either the colorist didn’t know what was going on, or the tiny Arisia figure has some clothes on.
QP: I’m honestly not sure which of the female figures is supposed to be her, because they’re both wrong.
TGH: I assumed the one by the truck. I think the other one is Rita because that’s her normal shade of pink. I can’t tell if the one in the back is old Guy or evil Guy.
QP: It can be both. They’re working from the He-Man model of just using the same mold over and over.
TGH: Also this just goes to show the blatant lack of action vehicles in this comic.
QP: That’s where the real money is.
QP: I like that Superman came to this party as Clark Kent and has to remind Lois not to out him. Also, suddenly Lois is a redhead?
TGH: Between him and Kyle it’s almost like no respectable heroes want to be associated with Guy or something.
QP: I’d imagine the vast majority of them are only there for the free booze.
TGH: Can Superman even get drunk?
QP: I don’t think so? But you know he only showed up to the party to be nice. Lois is absolutely there for the free booze, though.
TGH: Maybe he’s trying to get Lois drunk so she’ll do something reckless and he’ll have to save her. Maybe that’s how they keep things interesting.
QP: That seems pretty Silver Age Superman, so probably.
TGH: “Hey, Lois, let’s walk off the alcohol at the top of the Empire State Building. Watch your step, it’s quite the fall!”
QP: “Lois, those street toughs just kicked a dog. Why don’t you go tell them exactly what you think of them?”
TGH: Lead is also very interested in the two of them kissing. Maybe…a little too interested?
QP: He’s got a thing, don’t kink shame.
TGH: Listen, it’s fine if the participants are willing.
QP: I guess one does have to factor in the contractually binding nature of mistletoe.
TGH: Meanwhile, outside, Martika shows up, and I swear to God, most of those cameras are pointed at her ass!
QP: One is pointed at her general knee region, at least.
TGH: One of them has a foot fetish, I guess.
QP: Fortunately, Dementor is there to be save her from the creepy paparazzi by being really goddamned rapey!
TGH: Oh Dementor, I haven’t missed you at all!
QP: I guess we get our first taste of what Martika’s deal is, as she essentially Jedi-mind-tricks Dementor in to letting her go, taking her back to the party, and then taking a long walk off a short pier to the bottom of the Hudson.
TGH: Martika is now the best character in the comic. I’ve got a list of characters she should do that to next.
QP: Starting with our dear protagonist?
TGH: That would certainly put this project to a quick and merciful end.
TGH: Martika walks into Warrior’s and of course everyone stands there leering at her with their mouths open, but then suddenly a random superheroine ass appears and it turns out that we the reader are the real ass-starers! This is some avant-garde bullshit right here.
QP: “Don’t wanna look at asses, huh? Well I’ll show you!”
TGH: We were the true monster all along.
TGH: Martika kisses Guy and Danny DeVito just loses his goddamn mind.
QP: Superboy makes a particularly groan-worthy crack about them making out.
TGH: Veronna gets super pissed at this…FEMALE.
QP: Well she’s not wrong.
TGH: True, but I have to wonder if a man wrote this dialogue. Hmm….
QP: You mean a male?
TGH: I stand corrected.
TGH: I just noticed that Swamp Thing is the tree.
QP: That seems unfair.
TGH: That’s his kink.
QP: Oh, well nevermind then.
QP: Over on the dance floor, Fire is about to be the subject of a Ke$ha song.
TGH: Fire is drunk as shit and Hawkman doesn’t even know what punch is so he calls it “punch liquid.” Why in the hell is Hawkman even here?
QP: To make everyone feel better about their lives.
TGH: Icemaiden does not approve of her drunkenness if it’s not directed at her, and Power Girl is pretty uptight about it too.
QP: I feel like Power Girl calling Fire a tart is a bit pot kettle black when her boobs are a deep breath away from popping out of that monstrosity of a costume.
TGH: Seriously. I mean, Fire is showing way more cleavage than I remember, but on a purely square-inch basis I think she’s still ahead.
QP: As much as everyone complains about the standard Power Girl costume, let’s not forget that the ’90s were not kind to her, sartorially speaking.
TGH: Martika has to leave to do a thing, but not before 6 more people stare at her ass.
QP: I’m surprised they didn’t draw a full ass shot for her at some point during this. Especially considering that non-dress she’s wearing.
TGH: Guy goes to the roof to be sad about either Ice dying or just not having sex right then. They don’t make it 100% clear. Then Spectre kidnaps him, so maybe he should’ve stayed inside instead of being a sad sack. There’s a lesson here, kids.
QP: Feelings are for chumps who want to get kidnapped.
TGH: It turns out Spectre’s gift is bringing Guy’s dad back from the dead to talk to him! Guy isn’t sure if it’s real or not, but his dad says it is, so that’s good enough for him!
QP: Man, let me sell Guy a bridge in Brooklyn.
TGH: Guy’s dad realized what a shit he was on his death bed, which is fortunate, because this would be a terrible visit otherwise.
QP: It’s probably a good thing the Spectre didn’t go find Mace. That would not have been as pleasant a reunion.
TGH: As much as I snark, it’s pretty good closure to the “Guy’s dad was an abusive asshole” plot, at least as well as you can do with something as dark as that
QP: Yeah, it wrapped it all up in a nice little bow. And it makes sense in context since it was years between the last time Guy saw him and he died. He had plenty of time to think about it.
TGH: I mean, Spectre could be making all of this up, but hopefully not.
QP: Well, this isn’t particularly vengeance-related, but other than that it’s right in his wheelhouse.
TGH: Maybe later he’ll tell Guy it was all a lie and his vengeance on him will be complete.
QP: That’s more like it.
TGH: Wonder Woman eventually hunts Guy down and brings him to the bar, where Lobo is handing over his motorcycle, since he bet Guy he could kill the most Tormocks and lost a few issue ago, but it feels like an eternity.
QP: God, was it really only a couple of issues ago? Also, I know that Guy is supposed to be wearing a Santa coat there, but it really looks like a bad Archie cosplay.
TGH: I think it’s just a Warrior’s jacket. It’s got the W on it.
QP: Maybe. The collar looks vaguely furry in some panels. It is predictably inconsistent.
TGH: Lobo also went out of his way to clean up Bronkk’s skull and bring it to Guy as a present. Now Guy can remember the time his grandpa killed Bronkk forever.
QP: Did Bronkk’s face get smashed in? Because shouldn’t he have a normal humanoid looking nose, since they’re just fancy space people?
TGH: I’m pretty sure his face was punched right in.
QP: I’d have to go back that far to see and I really don’t want to. In any case, Guy is so touched that Lobo held up his end of the bet, that he tells him his money’s no good at Warrior’s anymore, apparently forgetting what happened the last time Lobo got drunk there.
TGH: THEN Ice’s mom shows up! There’s a lot going on in this issue.
QP: Everyone’s come to let Guy know he’s just the bestest. It’s like the end of It’s A Wonderful Life, except Guy hasn’t really done anything to make anyone’s life any better.
TGH: “Don’t feel bad! Everyone totally loved you this whole time for some reason!”
QP: Any second Hal will show up to tell him he’s taking the old Building and Loan.
TGH: Guy shows Ice’s mom a giant statue of Ice that he made, so she returns the favor with a tiny ice sculpture that she made herself, using her tiny ice powers.
QP: It’s magic ice, though, so it’ll never melt.
TGH: The artist can’t even draw it twice. What the hell is going on with Guy’s back the second time we see it?
QP: Queen Olaff forgot what he looked like so she had to go off a picture of Quasimodo instead.
TGH: Also the cape changes directions. Just look at the picture you already drew!
QP: Look, he only had it in him to draw it well once, okay?
TGH: Guy comes back inside and bumps into Fire and the magic of Guy’s old relationship makes them stop being mad at each other. Or Fire is drunk.
QP: Definitely at least the latter. And, oops, there goes that verbal mistletoe contract again.
TGH: So due to the Mistletoe Act of 1992, Ice and Guy are forced to make out, while I can only assume everyone in the background stares right at their asses.
QP: Most of the faces on the right are definitely pointed at Fire’s ass. They also all look waaaaaay too happy about this. At the very least, Diana should be making an “oh fuck everything here we go” face. Plastic Man at least appears to be feeling just the right amount of horror.
TGH: The Ray can’t keep it together. Also the Atom shrinks and swings from a ribbon probably with the intent of getting a better view of her ass if we’re following the pattern of the rest of the issue. This damn comic.
QP: I love that they’re making out while Guy very carefully holds the statue of Ice where we can see it.
TGH: Well, they ran out of amazing things to happen to Guy, so that’s the end of Christmas at Warrior’s! Will anything that happened in this issue matter at all next month? Find out next time!
QP: The letters column is short this month, probably so they could fit in more undeservedly nice things happening to Guy in the issue.
TGH: Pretty much the same letters as always: people cheering Guy on for beating up the Justice League and complaining about his crappy gun powers. Guy brags about his upcoming 50th issue. Bless.
QP: There are a couple of people very concerned that he get a girlfriend.
TGH: Someone asks about him and Arisia, which reminds me: despite putting her in a sexy elf costume on the cover, she’s not even in this issue! If you’re going to put her on the cover, at least give her a line or something!
QP: She’s in the big clusterfuck splash page, but other than that, no.
TGH: Is she? I missed it.
QP: She’s the only one of the Warrior’s gang that doesn’t have a side plot this issue.
TGH: Her side plot was that she and Guy stole everyone’s stuff and gave it back as presents. That’s why everyone had to come to the party.
QP: That explains a lot.
TGH: That makes the cover much better, as it is now the official prequel to the issue.
QP: Did all that stuff come out of that one house? Does JLA headquarters have a boring old chimney? And if so, does it not have a proper security systems? This asks more questions than it answers.
’90s Ad Showcase:
QP: The ad for a series of Joe Simon & Jack Kirby collected editions sounds great…except I’ve never heard of any of those titles.
TGH: Yeah, it sounds like they were grasping at straws to sell new Simon & Kirby stuff at that point.
QP: Once Kirby was dead, they could really start making money off of him.
TGH: Marvel was the one selling them too, which makes it weird that DC is running the ad.
QP: DC was desperate for advertisers for this book.
TGH: The Fighting American book is selling for $10 today, so you were better off waiting.
TGH: The original issues are going for quite a bit. Boys’ Ranch is selling for the exact same price though. I bet shipping is less crazy these days, however, so if you’re a collector, my condolences.
TGH: Next time, Guy and Fire go on a date to the Firecapades. Blue Beetle tries to play the same prank with an animatronic Guy, but it melts before it can get onto the floor.
QP: Fire gets annoyed that Guy is stereotyping her. She really wanted to go to the synchronized swimming exhibition, but does Guy even ask her what she’s really into? Nooooo.
TGH: He apologizes for assuming she only like fire-related things by giving her a flaming bouquet.
QP: She dumps it on his head. Tune in next time for the climactic finale of Guy Gardner!
TOTAL ESTIMATE OF HOW MANY TIMES AN ASS WAS LEERED AT: AT LEAST 29!