TGH: Welcome back, Warrior’s VIP members, to yet another issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior! Last time, Guy was in space, being tempted by Neron to murder people, and decided to finally come back to Earth. Also, there were no weird drawings of ladies on the cover. Will Guy arrive on Earth in this issue, and more importantly, will there be a really awkward drawing of a lady on the cover? So far, it looks like the answer to at least one of those questions is a resounding “Yes!”
BW: Dear 1990’s,
Is this really what your sexy ladies looked like?
Signed the 21st Century.
QP: I thought sexy ladies all wore baby t-shirts in the ’90s?
DN: I’m sorry, are you saying that is not 100% how boobs work?
QP: It’s definitely 100% not how physics works on clothing.
DN: Did she buy the arm things separate, or did those come with the outfit?
BW: They were half off.
DN: I think you’d break your ankle in those heels, like, immediately.
TGH: They at least gave it a touch-up from the letter section last month. This is perfectly suitable for placing on a van now.
QP: I guess maybe they find Steven Tyler to be pretty sexy.
TGH: Her right breast is trying to pull ahead of her left and drag her out of there.
DN: Also, where do you get a Guy Gardner themed chess set?
TGH: Definitely Spencer Gifts.
QP: I like that she only bothered to paint her Warrior miniature. That’s clearly the hardest one. Why didn’t you start with Wildcat?
TGH: I think the answer is the same as always in that they ran out of time. “Hey, finish coloring this, we need it in like 2 minutes.” *Looks over at his table, every color missing but green and purple, a single tear rolling down his cheek*
BW: It does however prove the hypothesis that Guy’s tattoos are actually stickers.
DN: Should we actually go into the issue? I mean, we can keep making jokes about Hugeboobs Mcwronganatomy.
TGH: Our story begins at Warrior’s, where Buck is fixing everything yet again.
QP: Buck immediately admits to massive insurance fraud.
TGH: You mean I can’t start my own auto insurance company and trash my car all the time for free?
QP: I have to wonder if Beau Smith asked himself “what can Buck own in this issue that will really impress the kids? I know, property and casualty insurance!”
BW: Seriously, if you have a stache like that, really that’s all the impressing you need to do.
QP: Kids are very impressed by diabeetus.
BW: “Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!”
TGH: I think they should just make a Buck Wargo monthly where every problem he faces is immediately fixed by the fact that he owns whatever means he needs to resolve it.
QP: “Buck! The federal government is raising taxes!”
“That’s fine, I’ll just move to my private island in the Carribean.”
BW: “Buck! We don’t have enough paper to print the next issue of Buck Wargo: The Magazine!”
“Screw it! I own a rain forest!”
TGH: It’s weird that for as much money and power as Buck apparently has, he does not have any actual impact on the DC universe. If Buck Wargo existed today, I feel like he’d be DC’s Donald Trump and running for president against Lex Luthor.
DN: Wargo 2016
QP: “I’m gonna build a 13-foot wall around Earth! No more illegal aliens stealing our jobs!”
BW: “Kryptonians, Korrugarians? Thieves and murderers!”
QP: “We can’t even trust Mars anymore!”
DN: “I don’t want no Vuldarians taking American jobs!”
DN: Arisia is also apparently fucking Wolverine. Hope they explain that.
DN: Poor sentence structure on my part.
DN: So, Guy falls into Warrior’s, and inexplicably grows hair, a beard, and a torn shirt.
BW: Stumbles or splooshes?
DN: How do Vuldarians even work?
QP: I really want someone to explain to me how the fuck his physiology works. He cut his hair last issue, and now it grows back in a matter of seconds.
BW: The massive hair growth was gained from all the feet that AREN’T present in the next five pages.
DN: Both his arm AND leg appear to be horribly mangled.
TGH: Was he wearing that shirt before he went into space, and it just existed inside him this entire time?
BW: Much like the Warrior exists inside us all, TGH.
QP: Oh my God does he just grow skin around his hair and clothes like when trees eat bikes that people lean up against them? Gross.
TGH: At least he spits it up eventually unlike those asshole trees.
DN: Also, the title of the issue takes a not-so-subtle jab at Frederick Wertham. This is the only time I’m on Wertham’s side.
QP: Maybe we should’ve just shut comics down completely back in the ’50s so this book could never get made.
TGH: Joey uses his kung fu skills to immediately wire-fly over to Guy’s side. Also I have no idea what is going on with Rita’s body on this entire page.
QP: OH MY GOD HER SPINE. Someone reattach her torso!
DN: She’s Elongated Man.
TGH: Guy’s like 12 feet tall in that second panel.
BW: This is why you don’t stock Gingold in the bar.
TGH: His Vuldarian powers have turned his entire body into rubber. He’s a Stretch Armstrong moments from breaking. His insides are probably corn syrup too.
QP: It was better when he melted in that other issue.
TGH: Meanwhile, in the sewers, the B-team is hunting down Earthworm. I wonder how long they waited to go after him? They’re pretty far along with the repairs to Warrior’s and Evil Guy is long gone.
QP: Someone needs to go edit the DC Wiki, since that other issue was clearly and unfortunately NOT the last appearance of Earthworm. Also, it’s nice that Tiger-Man has embraced his part-velociraptor mutation.
TGH: Veronna explains her brand new psychic connection to Guy. When asked to explain, she says it’s impossible, just like it’s impossible to explain why Arisia has an amazing healing factor suddenly. Stop thinking so much about this comic, guys!
QP: Who needs explanations for things when you could just make things happen whenever it’s convenient?
BW: It’s been long enough that Wildcat threw up his hands and said “Eff this, I’m going back to the JSA.”
TGH: They find Earthworm’s lair, and Tiger-Man makes a terrible joke.
QP: Booooooooo. Booooooooooooo.
DN: Tiger-man with the groaner.
TGH: Everyone from Warrior’s is still somehow alive in a pit with alligators. Apparently Buck Wargo just ran into Warrior’s with some blow torches to start fixing things minutes after the last issue ended.
QP: “No need to go look for survivors, I’ve got an insurance racket to work on.”
TGH: That dude absolutely should’ve taken the job at Fashion Cafe.
BW: A fate far preferable than Tiger Man’s terrible puns. Yes, this is ME saying someone else’s jokes are horrible.
TGH: They should’ve had a GCPD-esque series called Fashion Cafe, run by a bunch of ex-Warrior’s employees who basically just serve people who were tired of almost getting murdered every time they wanted a beer.
DN: I’d buy that. Do you eat nice clothes at the Fashion Cafe or do just have to be dressed appropriately?
BW: No, this was a real thing. Yes, really.
DN: Wait, they had a Planet Hollywood but models instead of Bruce Willis? Huh.
TGH: Well, he’d have been out of a job two years later after all the fraud, but at least he would be alive.
BW: He turned down Fashion Cafe because his music career didn’t qualify him. I’m actually kidding on that last one. OR AM I?
TGH: Tiger-Man uses his death gun to blow their cover and take out an alligator instead of removing Earthworm’s entire head. Arisia has guns too. She could’ve killed the alligator while you murder the actual villain.
DN: Nope, we have to quip first. There are rules.
QP: That bottom panel is just a lesson on how not to anatomy. Tiger-Man’s bicep is the size of a beer keg.
DN: Meanwhile, Veronna just has a fucking spear.
QP: She also just has an upper torso stapled to her pelvis.
BW: Behold, the ’90s. Huge gun? Check. Gross anatomy? Check. No feet? Check.
TGH: Arisia volunteers to take out Earthworm for some reason, but then just starts shooting alligators with everyone else.
QP: Maybe on her home planet they call alligators earthworms, and she got confused.
TGH: Probably every alligator or worm she ever knew talked and worn magic imagination rings.
DN: Tiger-Man actually succeeds at saving people. So, at least someone in this book is a hero.
QP: It only took 38 issues.
TGH: Back at the high tech lab located inside a pub, Buck is running some tests on Guy. I feel like if Buck knows how to run tests on Vuldarians, a species that nobody knows anything about, maybe he should share his knowledge with the world for testing all kinds of species. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d hate for Atlas to shrug or something.
DN: Why does a bar have an infirmary and robotics lab? How big is Warrior’s? Are they using Time Lord technology?
QP: Lady Blackhawk, Wildcat, and Lead are all supposedly pretty badly injured, although Lady Blackhawk is just kinda laying in bed having a chat while the others are bandaged up and prodded with tech stuff. Also, why didn’t Buck test for this shit *before* Guy went on an interstellar space journey?
TGH: I like to think his screen just says SUPER-HUMAN EXHAUSTION written in Comic Sans.
QP: “You’ve been in full Vuldarian form for too long.” Don’t you think the fact that there’s a time limit is maybe something you should’ve told him earlier?
BW: “Your grandpa should’ve left you a manual, stupid head.” Okay stupid head is implied, I’ll admit.
TGH: You’re out of reserves. If you look at this chart, your tiredness rating is extremely high, while your reserves factor is at an all-time low.
QP: Guy is a walking Sims.
DN: Guy has been running his glands full throttle, which just sounds disgusting.
TGH: “Running your glands full throttle” is now my favorite worst euphemism ever.
QP: Guy’s mustache just disappears on that panel.
TGH: Coloring is hard work. You shouldn’t be expected to remember what a character looks like from panel to panel.
QP: Buck tells him he needs to take a rest which I’m sure is a mandate that will last for all of five minutes.
BW: Meanwhile back in the sewers, Arisa has the worst gun ever. It fires…BACKWARDS.
QP: I appreciate that they lettered this with Word 95 Wordart.
DN: DNA Voice gun is awesome and you’re wrong.
QP: She just shot off her shoulders.
TGH: RIP Arisia’s hair.
QP: Arisia is no Hawkeye. There’s no way she shoots something behind her without looking.
QP: Also she saves that waitress from the issue before, and the waitress is wholly unimpressed.
BW: “Uh, thanks. I guess. Whatevs.”
QP: “I was starting to like it here, but I guess the surface is fine too.”
TGH: Veronna finally kills one alligator and is immediately tentacled.
QP: Veronna’s shorts have disappeared.
DN: Naked alligator fight!!!
QP: Earthworm just used his Earth Power Magic to explode some tentacles out of the earth. He is the prettiest Sailor Senshi to be sure.
TGH: For some reason, this is the thing that makes Tiger-Man lose his shit and turn into…Black Tiger-Man?
DN: I think you mean African American Tiger-man, don’t be racist.
TGH: Hey, some of my best friends are Black Tiger-Men.
QP: Meanwhile, back on the surface, there’s someone in a car looking at a picture of Guy. I’m sure this will be important later.
TGH: The formatting on that article is just awful. Certainly not New York’s Finest.
TGH: Back in the sewers, Tiger-Man is straight up punching a hole in that mutant alligator’s head.
QP: Veronna manages to get away from the tentacles, apparently through the power of magic propulsion farts.
DN: Guy Gardner doesn’t get to do much in this issue of his own comic book with his name on it.
QP: Well, he has to rest for an issue. Just one issue.
TGH: Arisia finally stops Earthworm’s reign of “terror” by freezing him with her magic DNA voice gun. I wonder if she actually had to say “Cryo-Blast! Full Load!” for it to work. That’s a terrible idea when you’re panicking and can’t remember the words for every damn thing your gun does. It’s perfect for comic book exposition purposes, however.
QP: This really is turning into an episode of Sailor Moon.
TGH: Arisia is clearly Sailor Graxos IV. I mean, really, aren’t all the Green Lanterns kind of Sailor Scouts from their respective planets?
QP: HAHAHAHAHAH SAILOR HAL.
DN: I…I can’t unthink that now. Goddamn it.
QP: I guess especially once you get into the different Lanterns. I will give a dollar to the first person to send us a Sailor Guy drawing. I will do it. One crisp American dollar.
DN: I will give 5 for anybody not to.
QP: Don’t shit on my dreams.
BW: Meanwhile Tiger-Man continues to lose his shit. Or is it Zebra-Man? I’m not really sure.
QP: Arisia asks if he’s okay, and Veronna reports that he’s fine. Very fine. Cue that funky ’70s organ and slap bass.
DN: Tiger-Man powers down into a bearded dude, and I’m not gonna lie, I forgot he could do that.
TGH: Veronna tries to hit on Tiger-Man, but then like 4 panels later, he’s trying to pick up Arisia. Damn, dude. Cold. It should be noted that at this point Veronna literally has no pants.
QP: The belt and shredded shirt are just for modesty’s sake.
TGH: If Tiger-Man can’t appreciate Dat Ass, then I don’t know what to do for him. Also, he’s leaving it to both ladies to take turns dragging Earthworm’s frozen corpse through the sewers.
QP: Such a gentleman.
TGH: Maybe he should’ve channeled the entire race of Tiger-Men long enough to carry that thing back to the bar’s cryo storage unit.
QP: One page and one artist’s change later, Buck and Joey are analyzing Guy’s DNA, because no one ever thought to do that before.
TGH: Buck discovers a new organ inside Guy. A mysterious new organ.
BW: “What’s this internal organ, Buck?”
“That’s Guy’s brain, Joey. Hard to recognize because it’s very, very small.”
QP: I really have to wonder if that’s gonna be important or if it’s just a throwaway line because they had a couple more panels to fill.
TGH: It’s in the middle of Buck talking about the fact that Guy can make bullets, so who even knows?
QP: Oh it’s just his internal ammunition depot.
DN: He has a bullet gland!
QP: Guy shows up, talks about how hungry he is, and then gets all racist. I like to imagine that he never learned Joey’s name, and instead of just admitting it and being embarrassed, he just keeps calling him Wang Chung.
BW: He also calls Buck Wargo “walrus face,” which caused Wilford Brimley a degree of distress.
TGH: I honestly thought that the whole defeating Earthworm thing would be a natural ending to this issue, but Guy hasn’t even had another haircut yet. I guess this is a thing we’re doing every issue now. Riveting stuff.
QP: Hey, that haircutting montage is the best art we’ve seen in this book in a minute.
DN: I kind of want the rest of the book to have Guy with the perm and the moustache.
TGH: Well, his hair will grow super long again by the end of the day at this rate, so he’ll have a chance to experiment.
QP: Yeah, where does the perm even come from? Did she spend four hours putting a perm in, just to immediately straighten it out?
TGH: That could’ve been like 3 issues. Permanent Struggle, Part 1 of 3.
QP: I wish every issue just had one page of “what haircut does Guy want today” montage, a la ’70s Supergirl picking out a costume.
TGH: After the saga of Guy’s hair concludes, the lady from before walks in and everyone acts like they know her, even though this is literally the first time she’s ever been mentioned. Some exposition powers would work right about now.
QP: It is just straight up two pages of romance comics and I love it. It’s too bad it’s all still written like garbage. Martika is hot, all the dudes love her, and she just pours on the charm for Guy, who as we have learned, is absolutely no match for an attractive lady. Especially if she’s his grandma.
TGH: Was that even actually his grandma? She died, seemingly before she could have a kid, so was his grandpa just pining for the lay that got away while pissing on his wife’s grave?
QP: Look, nobody has time to explain that.
TGH: We just know it to be so.
DN: Going to have to go through all the superhero porn parodies to see if anyone used Martika’s pick up line at the end there.
BW: I know it will be hard for you. I’m sorry.
TGH: Who the hell is this Martika lady? How super are Guy’s powers? Are his powers his penis? Let’s hopefully not find out next issue, or ever!
QP: Letters is mostly just people who don’t understand that the guy who beats up the good guys, in this case, the JLA, is probably a bad guy.
BW: Also they throw more ’90s references at the wall than Beau Smith. Which really takes some work.
TGH: Someone actually writes in to say that they bought their first issue of GG:W because of Wonder Woman’s appearance in that damn crossover. Jesus, man, don’t encourage them.
QP: Someone really likes biker Diana.
DN: Also, Guy thinks people will be jerking off to Martika on the cover. Which, considering readers of this book in the ’90s, is a fair assessment.
QP: If you’ve never seen boobs before, every misshapen water balloon looks great to you.
TGH: I was hoping I’d never have to think about semen in the letter section, but here we are. This is the worst comment in all of the letter sections we’ve looked at so far, and it wasn’t even from a reader.
QP: This entire issue was just trying to prove Dr. Wertham right.
BW: In that they succeeded fantastically.
’90s Ad Showcase:
DN: All the D&D ads have better art than the fucking interiors of the book.
QP: And a better story.
BW: And they don’t ask the reader to polybag it “For later enjoyment.”
TGH: Skeletor’s about had it with Gimli’s bullshit.
DN: Buy Honeycomb and get a discount on a shitty handheld game!
TGH: Honeycomb is the worst.
BW: Nihilist Honeycomb. I’ll eat this, but I hate you ALL.
TGH: Sega Pocket Arcade games were basically Tiger’s last gasp before losing any stake in the handheld market. I’m going to blame their ultimate failure on their decision to advertise through Honeycomb, and certainly not on the fact that their button layouts seem to make no damn sense, or that they were emulating games far outside of their technological limits.
TGH: I like that the hockey ad’s only argument is that maybe you’ll see nose hair. I mean, you won’t, but you MIGHT!
QP: It’s totally there, in the pixels.
TGH: Also, nice Corn Pops plug there, assholes.
QP: And Starter! I wonder if Starter is even still a thing.
TGH: “Everything But the Dental Work.” What the fuck does that even mean? Whoever did this is ’90s Don Draper.
TGH: Next time, the sexual tension in the sewers leads to a love triangle between Tiger-Man, Arisia and Veronna.
BW: Martika causes tension in her relationship with Guy when she reveals she previously had a career as a pop star and wants Guy as her new “toy soldier.”
QP: Meanwhile, back at Warriors, Joey finds himself irresistibly drawn to the walrus mustache, and asks Buck if he’d like to help him find a new internal organ.
TGH: Buck runs his glands full throttle.
DN: Welp, I can’t top that.
QP: Maybe you can’t, but Buck can.