TGH: Welcome back to the next exciting installment of Guy Gardner: Warrior! Two weeks in a row; a new record! Last time, Guy ran into his evil clone from years ago! Look, there he is on this fantastic cover!
QP: This cover is the best art we’ve seen on this book in months.
TGH: I am suddenly regretting not making this my Halloween costume, flames and all.
DN: Those red contacts would be a pain, though.
TGH: You’d be kicked out of a party the minute you melted a table with that hand.
QP: Yeah, but it’d be worth it to get that “no Green Lanterns” shirt.
DN: Wouldn’t you also just like, melt your hand off with that prosthetic?
TGH: Details, details.
DN: So, can someone name a worse crossover than Underworld Unleashed?
TGH: They’re pretty much all tied for last with each other.
BW: X-Cutioner’s Song?
TGH: Flashpoint did destroy DC comics in general for years.
DN: I think you mean forever.
TGH: There’s still time! I’ve been waiting for this fight between Guy and Evil Guy for a week, so let’s get to the action! The story begins right where we left off, at…Warrior’s. Wait.
QP: I think DC just Jedi Mind Tricked us. You don’t need to know how Evil Guy got there.
BW: Warriors! Where we have the greatest party banners of all time, but the absolute WORST uniforms!
DN: Those are just the worst hats. I feel sorry for them.
TGH: I’m assuming that the people who “won” the Warrior’s contest last issue are the staff here.
QP: All the ladies wanna pet Tiger-Man.
TGH: The bar is celebrating their “establishment under repair AGAIN party,” and Evil Guy just walks on in. Did we miss an issue or something? How in the hell did he even know about Warrior’s? Or, you know, get past Guy? I like that Evil Guy blasts in the front door and nobody is just like “Hey, Guy. How’s it going?” Because let’s be honest, this is how Guy comes into work every single day.
QP: Well that’s because he doesn’t have the flowing surfer locks from last issue. There’s no mistaking that Pantene Pro-v style.
TGH: Nobody’s seen those yet! Those were space locks. Spaaaaaaace Loooooooooocks.
DN: Don’t worry, Big Hair Don’t Care will be back next issue.
BW: The Carpenter’s Union Supports Guy Gardner’s inability to use doors.
DN: This two page spread has so much booby.
QP: The lady on the right border of the page has some unfortunate anatomy going on. Either her boobs are lumpy, or that’s her ribcage and her waist is a singularity.
TGH: Someone needs to get her to a hospital immediately.
DN: It’s too late.
TGH: I’m not sure what the heck is happening with those bouncers. They’re clearly on their way to kick out Guy, but they walk right past him without making eye contact and he just murders them from the side.
DN: They also look like they’re made of balloons.
QP: Why do they have human bouncers when they also have Lead?
TGH: Maybe they were just literally showing him the way out. “The exit is right here, sir. Have a nice day.”
BW: Consider them…fired.
DN: Get out.
TGH: I like the synchronized “UGHHH! URK!”
QP: Then in case you weren’t sure this is evil Guy, he grabs the poor anatomically-challenged waitress and hauls her to the bar.
TGH: I want that Warrior’s glass too.
BW: That glass is as big as Guy’s head. Are you sure about that?
DN: What, you can’t drink a beer that big?
BW: In fairness, I’m not sure how big that glass actually is because of ’90s proportions.
QP: You could judge by his hands, but, oh, he’s got robot hands now for some reason.
TGH: They never do go into any kind of detail as to why he’s half robot or how he escaped the Lanterns that one time. That would’ve probably been a fun issue.
QP: Yes, in the hands of a capable creative team. But with these guys? No.
DN: That would mean there was a fun issue of Guy Gardner and that is a lie.
TGH: The Guy Gang finally shows up to defend the restaurant. Lead punches the living shit out of Evil Guy’s head.
QP: So those two chumps died in vain.
BW: And Arisia thankfully provides exposition for who the hell fake Guy is.
TGH: I hope Arisia’s crippling spine injury has healed by now, because she’s gonna need all the spine she can get!
QP: Well, she wrangled herself into that costume, so I’d imagine it’s fine now.
DN: Wildcat deserves better than this.
QP: Most of these characters deserve better than this.
BW: As proved by the line of the week. “All this Guy talk is hurting my head, let’s throw the bum out!”
DN: Hell, LEAD deserves better than this and nobody cares about the Metal Men.
QP: This is true. I am the only person that cares about the Metal Men.
TGH: Is Evil Guy using a barbed wire tornado attack? Which fucking Mega Man game did that come from?
TGH: Then, in the middle of the fight, The Earthworm(?), The Cheetah, and Blackguard(?) just show up to fight! Everyone in the restaurant is all :O One lady in the back makes sure to arch her back dangerously, too, in case our breast needs were not yet satisfied.
QP: Arisia needs to give her some spine rehabilitation tips. Also, why are there even still people in the restaurant?
DN: Cheetah deserves better than this.
QP: Those rats deserve better than this.
BW: Earthworm and Blackguard totally deserve this.
TGH: Listen, Blackguard, if there’s a line, waiting is implied.
QP: Earthworm would like to explain to you exactly what this crossover is about.
TGH: That was his whole role in the DCU.
QP: And he performed with aplomb.
DN: Yeah, he’s apparently a Huntress villain. That’s like, F-Tier supervillainy.
TGH: Nobody must have been making deals with Neron if he got all the way to Earthworm this quickly.
BW: I’m thinking Earthworm Dim was test sucker for his friends.
QP: Lex Luthor and the Joker all had better things to do. And Mad Hatter. And Calendar Man.
BW: Cluemaster was washing his hair.
TGH: Earthworm’s Neron-given powers seem to be diving into the ground, and I guess having some pets? Lady Blackhawk wastes no time in shooting the shit out of a bunch of harmless rats while everyone else actually tries to fight actual villains.
DN: Well, Wildcat just fights an alligator.
QP: For some reason she’s shooting rats with an assault rifle full of fire bullets.
TGH: Maybe if those rats had guns they’d still be alive, huh?
QP: All it takes to stop a Good Guy with a gun is a Bad Rat with a gun.
TGH: “Arisia, watch out!” is the subtitle for Guy Gardner: Warrior
DN: Arisia and Lead do a terrible job of fighting off the baddies.
TGH: Which is sad, because this is not a particularly great group of villains. Weren’t they fighting off actual alien invaders last time, and now they’re fighting a lady who sold her soul to be a little more of a cat?
QP: Evil Guy still has Sinestro’s ring, so he uses the best way possible: killing rats.
TGH: It’s not even Sinestro’s ring! Guy had it until Hal destroyed it! Evil Guy’s powers made no sense! Where is my explanation issue?
QP: Wish in one had and shit in another and see what DC gives you first.
BW: It’s in an issue we refused to read.
TGH: Is he even killing the rats? The rat on the top of the page seems to be having a really good time.
DN: Oh, that’s Party Rat.
QP: Well the alligator does not seem to be enjoying it much.
TGH: Evil Guy is really committed to keep making stupid jokes about owning the restaurant.
QP: Especially since he does not. Own. A restaurant.
TGH: If you were cloned, personality and everything, would your exact double have any of your rights or property? This is a very interesting question that will in no way be answered in a comic like this.
QP: Spider-Man could probably tell you.
DN: Seeing as Ben Reilly is treated like a second-class citizen, I’m guessing no.
BW: On the other hand, Guy does give some great dating tips on the next page.
TGH: I guess Earthworm likes money or something? Maybe sell your soul for that and save us from seeing your ugly face.
DN: And your rat/reptile friends.
TGH: Seriously, how many rats died for him today? Was he even going to give them a cut?
TGH: On the next page, Arisia gonna Arisia.
QP: Arisia can heal her spine all on her own, but getting a few cuts is enough to pretty much do her in. Maybe that healing ability could do some work when you’re not just working out in the gym, huh?
DN: Having to be saved by a Metal Man is pretty much the damsel-in-distressiest you can get.
TGH: Big strong Lead finally jumps in and saves her. For your sanity, do not try to figure out what is happening with Lead’s legs.
QP: I like that she’s dead now when she was sitting up last panel.
TGH: Is this a running joke with the creative team, where Arisia has to fall “dead” after every fight? Tiger-Man’s going to be very sad that she recovered from breaking her spine then got cat-clawed to death the very next day.
BW: Apparently smarter doesn’t equal funnier because Blackguard cannot tell a damn joke to save his life.
BW: “Did you say dead? As in dead lead? HAR HAR!”
TGH: “Dead lead” isn’t even a phrase, Blackguard. Your joke makes no sense. Unless you mean lead, like a contact or a piece of information, but then that’s not how Lead’s name is pronounced, writers. Please explain your intentions.
QP: That is the Vogon poetry of humor.
TGH: Evil Guy is having an embarrassing bad time with Earthworm. Earthworm is that guy who put all of his skill points in speed, so he’ll probably die immediately, but you’ll never catch that asshole. Guy gets bored and decides to just beat up Blackguard instead.
DN: Whom he also fails to take down.
QP: Evil Guy really is just like regular Guy.
DN: Let’s stop calling him Evil Guy and just call him Guy 2.
QP: 2 Guy 2 Furious.
TGH: Guy G2rdner actually ends up doing a fairly okay job kicking the shit out of Blackguard. Maybe he’s the true hero of this issue.
QP: I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: I miss that haircut. Surferdreds are garbage. Bring back the Dumb and Dumber.
BW: The Moe-cut or waves of golden Guy?
TGH: I guess the writers decided that the next page should be written in flashback style because they were bored.
QP: Why are there still customers in the restaurant? They have at no point shown that there is something blocking the door. Why the fuck have they not left yet? Is there a deal that you get free beer for life if you survive an attack on Warrior’s?
DN: Wildcat is the only legit superhero in this issue, as he makes a plan, and succeeds in taking down a super villain in one go.
TGH: Turns out that Cheetah also has the power of being lured into a room by a toy.
QP: If he’d just had a laser pointer he could’ve taken her out hours ago.
TGH: It took everything he had to get that door shut, probably because he hit the lock first and then tried to close it. In fairness to Arisia, Wildcat did also pass out, except a bulky man doesn’t cry over him that he’s dead.
QP: And he did at least take out a bad guy first.
DN: And then Earthworm gets super fucking gross on Lady Blackhawk.
QP: He was already pretty gross, so this is just extra credit.
TGH: Is she attacking him from a duct?
DN: ALWAYS GO THE DIE HARD ROUTE.
QP: Did he have tentacle powers earlier in this issue, or did they just decide he could do that to make it extra rapey?
DN: Of course the devil gave him tentacle powers.
QP: Also it makes no fucking sense that bullets would slide off his skin. That’s not how physics works.
TGH: I don’t think anyone knows what anyone’s powers are in this issue.
TGH: Speaking of not knowing how powers work, Evil Guy is using his Not Ring to fire knives at Blackguard.
TGH: In a pretty good reference to issues of Gardners past, Evil Guy pulls a fake “my powers don’t work” act on Blackguard to lower his (black)guard. Just like the good old days, when Guy’s ring stopped working several times an issue.
TGH: Then in an honest-to-god good play on words, Evil Guy asks him where he got his powers and Blackguard tells him to go to hell, which is actually the truth! This page delivers!
QP: I am very glad this is Earthworm’s last appearance because fuck that guy.
DN: He manages to really pack in a ton of gross things to say in 36 pages.
QP: Maybe that’s what powers he got from Neron. Perv Powers.
TGH: Guy actually saves Lady Blackhawk from Earthworm. I still maintain he’s the hero.
QP: Only because he had dibs, I’m sure. I mean, we’ve seen the chaps, we know he has a thing for leather.
TGH: Earthworm knocks him down into what must be the 5th sub-level of the restaurant, which still contains a bunch of dying customers.
QP: And that poor waitress from last issue who I guess can’t afford to pay her rent if she clocks out early. Earthworm puts Guy in a dirt cocoon so he can hentai the fuck out of the waitress.
TGH: Earthworm, the most useless villain in the DC Universe, actually manages to escape with the waitress before Evil Guy can get out of his cocoon. Which really sucks for her, but Evil Guy is still a villain too, so I’m not sure how we, the readers, are supposed to really feel about this.
BW: As his alligators just eat the remaining too dumb to live/leave patrons.
QP: Especially knowing as we do now that he never shows up again. Nobody saves that waitress.
DN: …and that dude was talking about “spawning” things, so that’s super uncomfortable…
QP: Fuuuuck this booooook.
TGH: Evil Guy completely forgets about the whole ordeal anyway, as a voice leads him to some ominous candle that he lights, making him vanish immediately. That’s probably good.
QP: It freaked Lady Blackhawk out even more than the threat of being sexed by an anthropomorphic earthworm, so it must be bad.
BW: I wonder what Guy Deuce will get from Neron? A new train set? Cigars? A haircut? Oooh! Another mug as big as his head!
TGH: Oh look, a reference to Darkstars #37 at the last minute! Sadly, I completely missed this in my first reading, so I guess we won’t be reading that one to find out what happened to Actual Guy. OH WELL. Something tells me we’ll figure it all out easy enough.
QP: It’s probably stupid, whatever it is.
TGH: What exactly the hell is going on? Will we even find out? Tune in next week. Same Guy time, same Guy channel.
TGH: I guess stupid sexy Arisia is doing the letters this time.
QP: It’s telling that the longer we go on with a new artist, the more appealing the old artists look. This art of Arisia almost has me pining for Mitch Byrd. I mean, not as much as a dinosaur would.
TGH: Congrats to Jeremiah from Texas, the only winner to horribly die on-panel!
QP: It’s probably implied that the others got eaten by alligators.
TGH: The letters remind us of the time Guy went almost toe-to-toe with Superman, making it weird that Evil Guy somehow managed to best him at his full power.
QP: That was technically only 6 issues ago. It feels like yeeeeeears.
TGH: Arisia lets us know that G’nort always had his head in her ass, so that’s another memory I have to drink away with my giant Warrior’s mug.
QP: I don’t know, whoever is in charge of this seems really good at writing Arisia. I can really tell it’s her and not just someone trying to write “Guy on muscle relaxants.”
BW: Thanks to Michael Foschini for reminding us that GG:W‘s letters page serves a secondary function for identifying serial killers early. You’re welcome, Treviso, Italy!
QP: If you like Dementor enough to pick up a random issue of Alan Scott Green Lantern, I am afraid of you.
DN: Anyone who says they buy comics for Dementor definitely experimented with killing cats in his youth.
TGH: It’s so weird how nothing from Guy Gardner: Warrior ever came back into the newer DC canon. It’s all so good.
90’s Ad Showcase:
TGH: I hope whoever wrote this Mortal Kombat 3 ad was put on a list.
QP: Yeah, that’s a bit disturbing. I thought it was an ad for a horror game before I saw the 3.
DN: No, I have not not used a buzzsaw on human flesh. No, I do not want to. Please do not call this number again.
QP: This is one of the few ads that run in this book that actually seems targeted towards the Guy Gardner: Warrior audience.
QP: Certainly better than the ad for model cars. But you get a limited edition Batman comic! Please nerds, make model cars, stop sniffing model car glue.
TGH: I don’t think anyone who read this comic would have the delicate touch and patience to successfully assemble a model car.
BW: They might already have the model glue on hand though.
TGH: I bet at least one person got that Batman comic glued to them for the weekend though.
QP: “No, I’ve ruined the resale value!”
TGH: Next time, Earthworm makes his way to the unemployment office. He is not in the system.
DN: That poor waitress gets away and starts a better competing bar that puts Warriors out of business.
QP: It’s a sewer-themed restaurant. Somehow that is still more appealing than Warrior’s.
TGH: She makes almost no money, but the bar is not attacked even once. That is literally all it takes to beat Warrior’s.