TGH: Welcome back once again, dear readers, to another issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior! This has been a long month, but after illness, personal tragedy (and vacation, but that’s not as scandalous), we’re back! Well, at least two of us are.
QP: Sometimes you have to take what you can get.
TGH: It’s obvious that Beau Smith has cursed all of us, but we’ll get to the end of this run even if it kills us (and it might). The last time we met, Guy had killed his mortal enemies the Tormocks, which was kind of the entire reason his character existed. Now that we’re unburdened by little things like plot points, I can only wonder what kind of adventures he’ll be getting into now.
QP: Apparently we missed the story arc where he decided to grow out some awesome surfer locks.
TGH: If the cover’s any indication, he gets into a huge fight, which is a bit of a stretch for this character, honestly.
QP: It is, of course, a fairly incomprehensible fight.
TGH: Beau didn’t even write this issue! I guess he needed some time to do a victory lap after the last crossover.
QP: I’m not sure if Guy’s punching that robot or standing behind it and doing a Bob Fosse routine while it burns.
TGH: The purple Jawa is wise to hang back and let this unfurl on its own.
QP: And the Thing, in a Victorian nightcap.
TGH: In a story that could open in any infinite number of ways, we start once again in space. It looks like some space teens are messing with Guy’s ship. Also Guy has a ship. In space.
QP: There’s not really any explanation as to why Guy is by himself on a ship in the middle of space. You’d think he would’ve just gone back to Earth with the rest of the League.
TGH: Guy is in no mood to deal with punks, so he gets ready to murder them. Also, they don’t bother to give these teens any kind of backstory, but clearly that space dog is doing this because he thinks space squirrel might let him touch a space boob.
QP: I like that Guy, a former teenaged car thief, is completely unable to empathize for these supposedly teenaged spaceship thieves. Instead, let’s just kill ’em.
TGH: Yeah, really. Guy just does what any hero would do and unleashes his limit break on their ship, potentially killing them instantly.
QP: I like that his kneepads have “up” markings on them. It makes no goddamned sense. It’s not even a joke. Of course that way is up.
TGH: He’s in charge of making those legs, so I guess he had to be extra careful after the last time he built himself upside down in the middle of a fight or something.
TGH: Luckily for the teens, Guy did not actually murder them, but managed to hold back enough to just mess their ship up little. That dog is so not getting laid now.The kids somehow did more damage to his ship than he did to theirs, so he’s forced to crash land on some planet.
QP: Then for some reason there are a series of panels of Guy making horrible grimacing faces. The art has nothing useful to tell us.
TGH: He’s pulling something amazing off. Off screen of course, because it’s too amazing to draw. I’m not sure why he didn’t just turn himself into some sort of space tank and float gently to the surface, but then someone wouldn’t get to draw him wrecking the shit out of his spaceship.
QP: “I guess there was a reason Blue Beetle never let me borrow the Justice League shuttles” Yes, it probably has something to do with you destroying every ship you touch.
TGH: Once he gets out of the ship, he explains that he did in fact change into his armor form to prevent burning up, so he just stayed in the ship for fun then.
QP: Ricocheting around the inside of a rapidly disintegrating space ship sounds like a lot of fun, yes.
QP: Once he’s out of the ship, something that looks like a Leechun jumps him from behind. He blasts it in the face while babbling about how he’s having a bad day. This is the second time he’s mentioned it, but I guess we don’t need to know what made it so bad.
TGH: Guy walks to a conveniently-located public area right near his ship while giving us his patented exposition. Apparently, he just decided to get on a ship and fly around space to sort things out, and definitely not because the JLA ditched him at the end of the last issue.
QP: They probably threw him out after the first few million miles and he decided he meant for them to do that.
TGH: Guy arrives at the Tatooine cantina after he manages to trade his destroyed ship to some idiot for a brand-new working ship! Man, that alien was stupid! At least we got out of that pickle quickly though!
QP: Guy sees some space thugs threatening to murder a Darkstar and decides he’s not going to get involved, because he is a hero.
TGH: Some alien lady tries to proposition Guy, which leads him to talk about how Guy Gardner would clean this shit up if he was here, but I guess he’s not so oh well!
QP: Definitely nobody of the heroic persuasion having a drink at this bar, that’s for sure. Guy, who has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t give a shit about the Green Lanterns, is pretty pissed off that someone else is talking shit about them.
TGH: For some reason, THAT conversation immediately leads to Guy being led to a slave auction for ex-Lanterns. Guy loses his shit at the slave auction. Bear in mind that the one Darkstar he ignored is probably just a stain on the floor at this point.
QP: These Green Lanterns he’s never heard of have somehow heard of him.
TGH: Ominous! Though, I mean, he’s kind of a big deal, as he’s let us know for the past 30-odd issues
QP: Totes. The Sexy Bug Lady Green Lantern tries to help Guy fight, and he gets all pissy about how her powers are dumb and she’s dumb.
TGH: Somehow there were just a handful of slave traders handling these people with obvious non-ring powers, so they all just kind of saunter on out of there.
QP: Nobody even really tries to stop them.
TGH: We do finally get a few panels of Guy saving that Darkstar after he begs him and Guy calls him a loser. If he had said nothing at that point, he would’ve been ignored entirely.
QP: His flowing Guy-do gets longer with every panel.
TGH: Meanwhile, on Earth, Arisia is training to be an XFL ref.
QP: She’s training with Wildcat because a few weeks ago she broke her spine. I didn’t know Arisia was a Wolverine clone.
TGH: Seriously. Batman took longer to recover from a spinal injury than she did just recently. It was a pretty big deal!
QP: Also, when the hell did she get her back broken?
TGH: I guess that time she got hit by a rock and Tiger-Man cried?
QP: Ok sure.
TGH: That rock did definitely hit her right in the spine region. Then Tiger-Man picked her up, probably actually making it much worse. Just look at him. He already knows he screwed up.
QP: Tiger Man didn’t take 6th grade health.
TGH: Buck Wargo wouldn’t have lifted her up after a spinal injury. Just saying.
QP: I just noticed Arisia’s sports bra has garters attached to her panties. That seems necessary.
TGH: I like the picture of Batman on the punching bag. Maybe you could send him a sympathy card about his spine.
QP: Guy’s probably pretty jealous he didn’t get to do the Baning.
QP: Meanwhile, back on Guy’s crappy space ship, the bug lady has magicked herself some intact clothes.
TGH: She’s talking to Guy about who sold her into slavery while he desperately tries to find a way to pay his rent online from space.
QP: Guy finds the planet the slave traders are working out of and leaves the super-powered ex Lanterns on the ship, because he definitely could not use their help, and flies off in some techno-organic nightmare fuel.
TGH: He looks like Azrael. I guess that look was cool at the time.
QP: Over on the planet, someone is clearly setting a trap for him.
TGH: Someone had figured out that Guy Gardner would be randomly cruising in space and then some teens would mess up his ship so he’d crash land and get a new ship then find a bunch of Lanterns for sale then hunt him down. Or maybe the Jawa called him. This is why you always murder the Jawa.
QP: Your puny logic won’t work against the Vuldarian justice of Guy Gardner.
TGH: Somehow, whoever this guy is has better shields than a man made of weapons can deal with, but decides to let him think he made it in all by himself so he can be humiliated later. I like his style!
QP: Then there’s some over-complicated bullshit about there being an artificial atmosphere so that the can used sound based weapons, all of which I assume was just filler because they didn’t have a full issue’s worth of story.
TGH: For real. Why does he even have to go into it, and then make a gun that does something with sound too?
QP: Would they have to have cut down the page count if they’d just fired lasers at Guy?
TGH: He could’ve just screamed some more insults for a few panels and made up for it.
QP: That would’ve worked for everyone.
TGH: Guy enters the facility and whoever’s in charge sends a bunch of pawns after him to keep him busy. Why even have an entire group of minions called pawns for the sole purpose of being lame enemies? Give then armor and some guns or something.
QP: What if someone you didn’t want to lure in to their doom were to attack? What if Superman shows up? Maybe you want some goons that can actually punch?
TGH: Wouldn’t be so cocky then, would you?
TGH: Guy calls the dude a space turd. That’s the Guy we know and love.
QP: Guy finds and frees some Lanterns, then gives a big dumb monologue about how they didn’t want him and still here he is saving their asses and blah blah blah.
TGH: Apparently a Predator was a Green Lantern and still managed to get caught. Salaak makes a passing mention that G’nort was killed, which I don’t think is ever addressed anywhere ever. It’s impressive how all of the ladies’ clothes are torn almost right up to the nipple.
QP: Most of the men’s clothes are fine, of course.
QP: Guy finds Brik, who wasn’t chained up or anything, just walking around, not helping. Brik’s outfit is also apparently just taped to her hooha for modesty’s sake.
TGH: Guy has to explain the last few months of exciting Green Lantern comics to Brik (pick them up today!) to explain why they don’t have rings and how Hal is a creepy asshole.
QP: It’s enough to make her rip a pawn in half. These pawns really are pretty worthless.
QP: He finally manages to figure out that this has been too easy, and says something about how any of the Lanterns that had their own powers could’ve gotten them out of here. Let’s please do remember how he’s been telling them all they’re useless the entire issue up to this point, though.
TGH: I’m really surprised that Guy didn’t just immediately send everyone back to the ship since he doesn’t need anyone’s damn help anyway.
TGH: Guy finally runs into the owner of the ship, and recognizes his voice, even though I think he’s been talking to him via intercom this entire time.
QP: Hmm, what a familiar costume.
TGH: I don’t know where that helmet/mask came from, but it seems a bit much.
QP: Yeah, it’s almost as if they couldn’t figure out a less dumb way to set up a final page splash reveal.
TGH: Guy agrees with me, which makes me feel dirty. The dude takes his stupid helmet off and reveals himself to be Evil Guy Gardner from all those issues ago!
QP: Hey, golf clap for remembering any kind of continuity that happened more than one crossover ago!
TGH: He even finally has that anti-Green-Lantern symbol they’ve been teasing us with since the very first issue of Guy Gardner Reborn. I still need that symbol in shirt form.
QP: I know, someone write to DC about that.
TGH: This issue has its problems, but I’m genuinely excited to see what Evil Guy brings to this comic.
QP: I’m just glad they’ve actually thrown a little continuity in for once.
TGH: This would actually be a good chance to show how different Guy Gardner is since the time he was cloned, if there’s even a difference or if they’re even planning to do that.
QP: Probably not. They’ll probably just be the same person, except for one of them is marginally more ok with killing people.
TGH: I can’t remember if Guy has faced off against an actual Lantern since he got gun powers. I guess he couldn’t have. Also, how the hell does Evil Guy even have yellow-based powers? He didn’t have the ring, and the other one was ground to dust by Parallax.
QP: I’m sure they’ll have some amazingly bullshit explanation for it next issue!
TGH: Now that Evil Guy is back on the scene, how will this fight pan out? Will this actually be an interesting new direction to take the comic? Tune in next time!
TGH: It turns out that NOBODY guessed all of the people in that Grand Opening issue a few months ago. No prize for anyone!
QP: What a bunch of maroons.
TGH: Everyone was stumped by Lois Lane for some reason, though I guess if she didn’t have a costume it could be harder to guess.
QP: I do like that someone guessed she was Cat Grant, who was in the issue, “but brunette.”
TGH: Highlights from everyone who screwed up include calling Lead a Metal Toilet, Cat Grant for Lois (though in fairness she was actually in the issue), and Ice for Dolphin (automatic disqualification).
QP: Someone in the letters column also thought Rex the Wonder Dog was Krypto, so I feel vindicated now.
TGH: I guess the handful of people who were close enough get to be in the next issue, which means they’ll probably die horribly.
QP: Guy will punch their heads clean off. Somebody wrote a letter pretending they were actually at the Warriors opening. I didn’t know you could submit self-insert fanfiction to the letters column.
TGH: He also mistakenly said Wonder Woman was there when she wasn’t. I don’t think anyone actually read this issue.
TGH: I guess the next issue is part of another DC-wide crossover!
TGH: They just can’t help themselves!
QP: It’s a compulsion at this point. This is what happens when you get your hopes up.
90’s Ad Showcase:
QP: This Honeycomb Looney Tunes quiz ad is off-putting if for nothing else than the awful Tweety Bird/Nirvana pun. Also, it’s Puddytat, not Puttycat, you uncultured swine.
TGH: The Springsteen pun was fine.
QP: Well yes, that makes sense.
TGH: These had better be some damn good toys to make me cut out a coupon and go all the way to Toys “R” Us to get them instead of just shoving them in the box like God intended.
QP: The tiny illustrations of the toys makes it look like they are really really not worth it.
TGH: That’s probably their actual size.
TGH: Next time, Evil Guy brags about how he’s the most powerful person on the ship, only to be immediately steamrolled by hundreds of escaped Lanterns and murdered.
QP: He calls the pawns to come fight for him, forgetting that he just let Guy murder all of them.
TGH: He was working on an elite squadron, but it just wasn’t in the budget this quarter.
QP: He’s definitely regretting bumping shitty sound-based weaponry to the top of the priority list.