TGH: Welcome to a brave new post-Byrd world with issue 32 of Guy Gardner: Warrior! Last issue Mitch Byrd took a dump in the boss’s office and ran away with his colorist, and every person who ever worked for DC, artist or not, had to chip in to finish the Dementor story. Now that we’ve dedicated this issue to only a small handful of temporary artists instead of a panicked boatload, how will the book fare?
DN: Spoiler warning: not very well.
BW: The cover is…not off to a good start. Take a look at the Flash. Take a good hard look, cause his anatomy is all over the place.
QP: Wally is party Gumby, didn’t you know?
DN: Flash’s shoe size is apparently a women’s 5.
QP: They’re some of those neat heel-less pumps like Posh Spice wears.
DN: Wonder Woman’s bewbs look like a separate entity.
QP: Pretty much every time her boobs show up on the page they’re dangling from a different rib. In this case it’s just straight up her sternum.
TGH: Having read this issue, I don’t think the title Eye For an Eye actually has any relevance to anything that happens in the comic.
DN: This is apparently a very dark time for the JLA. Nuklon AND Hawkman are on this team.
BW: DC has conveniently labelled this as part 1 of “Way of the Warrior”, which already makes it easier to follow than what was happening with the X-Men.
TGH: Yeah, I can’t believe they actually made it easy to buy all of them and not accidentally buy a ton of extra comics. (Not counting the fact that the actual crossover itself is an excuse to buy more issues of unrelated comics to begin with.)
DN: We have to actually read an issue of 90’s Hawkman. What have we done?
BW: The horror. The horror.
TGH: I’m going to go ahead and call this issue as the beginning of the “Dark Era” of Guy Gardner: Warrior if you can even believe that. This crossover is pretty much where things go downhill until the end.
BW: Guy is apparently upset at something the Justice League has done. I’m guessing they finally instituted a steroid-free workplace.
QP: His face is 90% teeth.
DN: He has the Stallone lip curl.
QP: And his arm has been amputated and replaced with a GLADOS core.
BW: Has Guy had the buzzcut all this time? Have I been mentally dropping the traditional bowl cut on his head? Am I asking a lot of questions?
QP: Yes but also no but mostly yes.
QP: Inconsistency is key with this book.
DN: His other fist is the size of 10 fists. He could punch out a T-rex.
BW: Indominus T-REX!
QP: That might be useful if Mitch Byrd was still on the book.
TGH: Thanks for the intro to who you are for the 200th time, Guy. Every page could be someone’s first!
QP: Its been how many issues since the Justice League failed to tell him that Ice died, and he’s only just now decided to murder all of them for it? I feel like your heart’s not really in it, Guy.
TGH: Opening the issue with Guy coming to kill the JLA is really putting me on his side.
QP: They’re usually bad guys, so it makes a lot of sense.
TGH: What happened to the gun from literally one page ago? Why redraw it as one of those stupid air guns you buy at Toys “R” Us?
QP: Wonder Woman’s boobs are still attached to her sternum. Maybe moved down a little bit from the cover.
BW: I think it’s just more of a gun now and less of a rain barrel meets GLADOS…thing.
DN: Justice League needs to start mandatory testing, because 70% of the team look like they’re juiced as HELL.
TGH: Some of the people in this room aren’t invincible, so it’s weird that his gun can’t actually hurt anyone.
QP: Beetle should be pulp by now.
TGH: I apparently stopped reading JLA by this point, because I didn’t know most of these people were in it.
DN: The JLI in ’95 was in serious need of standards.
BW: The Extreme Years. When DC looked at Giffen/DeMatteis/Maguire team’s success and decided to replicate it with none of what made those books work.
TGH: None of us seem to be able to figure out what the deal is with sexy not-Ice. Wait, I figured it out. It was really stupid.
DN: I thought Killer Frost, but no! It’s worse!
QP: Guy doesn’t understand how the Justice League didn’t just call him on his cell phone and leave him a voicemail about Ice dying, despite this all happening before those things existed.
TGH: Apparently the JLA contacted Guy for some reason, which is why he came here to murder everyone, but a) I’m not buying JLA #100 to find out why, because b) it is never brought up again ever.
BW: So nice of the Hulk to cosplay as…well, everyone on the next page.
QP: There’s some indiscriminate punching, but by who, on what, I honestly couldn’t say. Which is to say, the art’s not great.
TGH: When you cold-open an issue with a really long fight, you can tell you’re in for quite the plot! As usual, maybe you could cut an issue or two out of this really long crossover by getting to the damn point.
QP: The next page is basically just everyone striking a bodybuilder pose and yelling.
TGH: I never noticed how much Hawkman’s chest thing looks just like the Thundercats chest thing until this page.
DN: Guy continues to think he’s 9 feet tall.
QP: While still being drawn the same height as everyone else, or much, much taller.
BW: I’m choosing to believe that Guy simply has no idea of how to use any idioms correctly at all. It really is the only way to explain some of the odder statements that he’s using. “Dog pile on the rabbit?” What does that even MEAN?
TGH: That and “slice ya up into little Oreo cookies” sounds exactly like something a Vuldarian pieced together as real Earth slang to trick everyone into letting their guard down.
DN: Flash tries to attack Guy, but should really see a doctor about the twin tumors growing out of his sides.
TGH: Guy has so many muscles that when he punches the ground he has three arms.
BW: Guy “Three Arms” Gardner.
QP: And spikes for some reason. Not sure how the spikes help his punching.
BW: Guy Weird Idiom #3: “Human hummin’ bird.”
QP: Fire and Blue Devil get into the fight, finally, and I guess we’re supposed to agree Fire was wrong to think Guy and Ice were bad together, because Guy goes on a rant about how she’s always back stabbing him.
TGH: Wonder Woman shows tells Guy to stop actually killing Blue Beetle, and he accuses her of betraying him for responding to his attacking them inside their HQ.
BW: Me and the guy on the Sovereign Seven ad are in total agreement, “What the hell is going on with Icemaiden?”
DN: Man, this mid-’90s Wonder Woman outfit is ROUGH.
TGH: I like how she’s just kind of superimposed on top of Icemaiden’s Playboy shoot. They’re not even looking in the same direction.
BW: “Guy Gardner’s attacking! Time to strike a pose!” I think Ice Maiden’s staring at Diana’s outfit. “WTF Diana? Seriously, WTF?”
QP: Wonder Woman’s boobs have made a run to the mid-chest region. I would also like to point out that her costume defies the laws of physics. That top can neither lift nor separate properly, which I guess is why she’s starting to look like a National Geographic issue with some silicone additions.
DN: If Diana doesn’t get regular waxes, this outfit is not an option. Just put it back in the closet.
QP: They probably have regular JLI ladies wax outings.
DN: Group discounts!
QP: I like that Diana went full biker babe but kept the oversized Synergy earrings.
BW: Outrageous! Truly!
DN: Guy towers over Wonder Woman, but still is in no way 9 feet tall.
TGH: He’s a 100-foot human cancer by this point.
QP: Maybe a Vuldarian foot is different than an Earth foot.
BW: Meanwhile, Blue Beetle decides to provide a visceral critique of the book so far. By which I mean, he’s pooping.
QP: Guy basically blames the League for Ice dying in the line of duty. He acts like this possibility is something that was never brought up to her, even though I’m pretty sure they’d already had a few people die before her. Like, I dunno, Superman or something.
TGH: Wonder Woman just hugs it out with Guy, diffusing the entire situation. Should’ve thought of that, Beetle. I thought you were the smart one.
BW: In fairness, Guy WAS hugging his neck.
QP: Alas, the tender moment must come to an end, because HQ is being invaded by pterosaurs!
DN: I have no idea who blue pteranodon man is.
TGH: I tried to Google it, but my search terms returned nothing of value.
TGH: Okay, here we go. He’s The Yazz, some stupid sassy alien bird who Hawkman apparently tried to kiss according to The Internet. I want to see this so bad now. What barrel are they digging these characters out of for this issue?
DN: I feel this is a team Red Tornado should be on.
BW: Lets say he was and that he blew up off panel.
TGH: He died on the way to his home planet.
BW: Yazz. RIP.
QP: Yazz may cause serious side effects. Please talk to your doctor if you turn into a big stupid blue pteranodon.
BW: Apparently Guy isn’t the only one guilty of these bizarre idioms — what the hell is a cappuccino moment?
QP: Something stupid, no doubt.
TGH: Luckily Guy stopped killing everyone just in time for those aliens that keep showing up to attack JLA HQ. Also Warrior’s, I guess? Sure, seems to cover all bases of the people in this comic.
BW: In an amazing moment of lampshading, Guy calls Wonder Woman out on that terrible outfit.
QP: In order to show us what a badass Guy is, they first show us a vertical spread of the rest of the League having a really hard time with the Kraggz or whatever it is.
TGH: Hawkman takes a time out from making out with The Yazz to tell us all about the Kraggz.
BW: And, hey, Blue Devil randomly remembers that he’s an actor.
TGH: Blue Devil does not actually help anyone while he thinks about this.
QP: Hey, he’s got big plans for a movie adaptation.
TGH: Only if he gets out alive. Come on, guys. Try harder!
DN: Warrior’s is also being Kraggzed and defended by Guy’s Legion of Crap Supporting Characters.
QP: And Lead. For some reason.
TGH: Someone had to take that hit. Asian Dude just Kung-Fus the air for a bit. Tiger-Man…keels over.
BW: Someone reminded Tiger-Man that he’ll never be as cool as Tawky Tawny.
QP: Buck just looks off in the distance, wondering if he’ll ever grow out of his allergy to shirts.
TGH: They probably should’ve just left. I think Veronna is probably the smartest one here in that she’s not even bothering.
DN: Beau Smith spends a LOT of time in this book having other characters tell us how powerful Guy has become.
QP: Show, not tell, guys.
TGH: Joey explains how great Guy is while Rita’s eyes roll into the back of her head and she has a seizure. Probably due to Guy’s awesome strength.
“A whole new level. I-I’m dying.”
QP: Guy’s strength levels are just orgasmic.
QP: Tiger Guy warns Arisia not to get hit by currently non-existent flying debris, and she’s immediately hit by flying debris.
TGH: I’m pretty sure the Kraggz heard him and stole his idea. Thanks, Tiger-Man.
QP: Arisia is completely worthless in every single fight. Why haven’t they fired her?
BW: Because Tiger Man refused to wear the dress.
QP: The vagina onsie might look good with all his fur.
QP: Guy gets all pissed that Arisia does that thing she’s put in this comic to do, and turns his hand into a mushroom to hit the Kraggz with.
DN: The Kraggz eats Guy. He dies. The end.
QP: Well, he’s all tasty now that he’s part portobello.
QP: Oh, thank you for pointing that out, Wonder Woman.
BW: Stupid Idiom Watch: “She sure can thread the needle.”
QP: Wonder Woman figures out that the things’ eyeballs are probably a weak spot.
TGH: Buck and the gang comment on how great Wonder Woman is at throwing things at Kraggz eyes, and then she does it afterwards. Good job, everyone who read this script.
QP: Everyone in this book got one-panel-ahead precognition for this issue.
TGH: Guy blasts his way out I guess then kills the two Kraggz super fast because Oh Shit we wasted way too many pages at the beginning!
QP: Then we jump back to the satellite where the JLI has failed to beat their one Kraggz, so I guess they kinda showed Guy being better.
BW: Hawkman says “Let it go.” Next issue, Green Arrow votes Republican.
QP: Hawkman has ice powers now.
TGH: Hawkman decides to let the Kraggz go back to the Tormocks and tell them how a team of assholes didn’t even hurt him and a few more Kraggz could totally destroy that planet. Or to bring “fear.” Yeah, okay, Hawkman.
QP: This is all gonna end up being Hawkman’s fault, like usual.
BW: Fear – it’s better than matched luggage.
TGH: It IS Hawkman’s fault! He decides that they’re all going on a roadtrip to kill the Tormocks, even though we just saw them fail to kill a single lackey.
QP: Hey Hawkman, this is why no one buys your books.
BW: But he’s getting Martian Manhunter! And Captain Atom (who will probably die).
QP: Martian Manhunter probably could’ve taken out a Kraggz on his own, really.
TGH: Meanwhile, Wonder Woman, who can see Tiger-Man crying about Arisia, who is unconscious, and Guy, who is melting right next to him, asks Tiger-Man what’s wrong.
QP: Look, heightened awareness is not part of her Amazonian gifts, ok?
BW: She CAN thread the needle though.
QP: Way more important than being able to put two and two together.
TGH: I never thought I’d see a tiger cry, but here we are. This is my life now.
BW: Tiger-Man has, thankfully, put his shirt back on for this page. Even with Warrior’s demolished, he’s still a firm believer in the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” rule.
QP: Well, we don’t know about the shoes because that would’ve required someone to draw feet.
TGH: He had normal pants but now they’ve been blasted back to jorts.
DN: Guy looks like a melting ice cream bar.
QP: With zits.
TGH: Will Guy get back on his feet once they bring him out of the street and into a room with A/C? Will Arisia survive the latest terrible thing that happened to her? Is this what it sounds like when tigers cry? Tune in next week for the answers to these questions and less!
TGH: The letter section opens with Guy explaining himself to newcomers AGAIN. Listen, nobody who didn’t read Guy Gardner: Warrior started reading Guy Gardner: Warrior for this story.
QP: Surely they didn’t have that many new readers month to month.
TGH: Quite the opposite, probably.
BW: What was that again, every panel could be someone’s first?
TGH: I refuse to believe it.
QP: “I was wiping my ass with some old comics pages, and this guy was going on about how he’s a real Warrior. It really struck me.”
TGH: Harry Simon asks the tough questions re: “Why in the fuck do you keep plugging every other book in the DCU?”
DN: He also asks the question I’ve been asking for weeks: “Who the flying fuck is Tiger-Man?”
QP: It’s a valid point. He’s as curious as the rest of us why Tiger Guy is ever not Tiger Guy.
QP: Lots of questions about the tiger this month. Roge Fastfinder thinks Guy hasn’t been blunt and unnerving enough. Have we been reading the same book?
TGH: Half of the letter section is just plugging the pile of comics we’ll need to buy in the next few months.
QP: I like that even now, twenty years later, the comics industry has learned nothing from the foibles of the ’90s.
’90s Ad Showcase:
QP: The D&D ad clearly doesn’t know their audience.
TGH: Dungeons and Dragons: No Pussies Allowed. I want that audio CD. I bet it’s great!
BW: It’s….interesting. There were actually a couple of CDs, one that was music and another that was like a deck of many things, I think? I got one of the sampler discs of music and it’s very synthesized classical/martial kind of stuff.
DN: So, how often were you shoved into a locker?
BW: I may actually still be there. Wait. Yep.
QP: Someone get the janitor.
TGH: Metal Batman Forever trading cards wins the ’90s Award this week.
BW: I prefer to think of them as Batman Metal Forever cards, but that might just be me.
QP: Batman’s soul patch is pretty metal.
TGH: According to eBay the full set can be yours with “Buy It Now” for $30. Hold on to them for a few decades longer, collectors! Shit, never mind, a full set starts at $0.99 with 0 bids, so hold on to them for a few forevers longer more like.
TGH: Next time, Tiger-Man sits by Arisia’s side as she recovers. He tells her that she needs to get better in case the bed sets on fire, burning her alive. The bed then sets on fire, burning her alive.
BW: Precognition has never been so terrible.
QP: Tiger Dude shakes his head, wondering why that can’t ever work for lottery numbers.