TGH: We’re back with another groundbreaking display of storytelling! Last week, Superman completely failed to help anyone, so Dementor showed up at the last second to give us some sort of damn story to follow up on this week. I’m sure this will be as funny as it is action-packed! Considering that the cover is a “tribute” to Kirby’s Fantastic Four #1 cover, I think we’re off to a great start!
QP: I mean, I guess Tiger Guy kinda looks like the Thing here?
BW: Well he’s…orange. Yeah, I got nothing.
TGH: Supergirl can turn invisible and Guy could probably stretch his body in a really disgusting way. Alan Scott…flies.
DN: Sentinel! Don’t out his secret ID, man.
QP: He’s on fire also.
BW: Green flames or something.
TGH: “Onward, flames!”
QP: This is a terrible cover. Were Kirby still alive at this time, I would hope he’d go punch someone at DC for this.
DN: Jack Kirby did a few rotations when this comic hit the stands instead.
TGH: Our comic begins with Guy and Tiger-Man explaining to everyone what puberty is.
QP: Supergirl is trying out for a shampoo commercial.
BW: Suddenly, Guy gets an ice cream headache and Supergirl has the Innsmouth look.
TGH: It’s kind of amazing how we manage to see so many different interpretations of characters’ faces in every issue.
QP: Hell, every page.
TGH: Everyone thinks that Guy is about to kill everyone, but he saw Ice the one time, so he’s good forever now. Nope, this time his alien powers flare up because Dementor shows up, which is how it works now, even though Dementor was spying on him last issue undetected.
BW: Man, we had the promise of a great title at the end of the last issue, only to throw it away on “Channel Surfin’ A Nightmare.” Nightmare being a synonym for deadlines. Because there are 7 artists on this issue. Seven.
TGH: Yeah, I’m not even 100% sure what that title is even supposed to mean.
QP: I take back what I said about Crime Tunnel, this is the worst title.
TGH: Dementor still has the random girl he kidnapped and puts some barrier around Warrior’s so we don’t have worry about any consequences outside of this encounter.
DN: I wasn’t worried.
QP: I still don’t get why he’s in a letterman’s sweater. I still don’t get any of this.
BW: Was Dementor wearing a toupee in the last issue?
DN: Dementor uses tentacles to take off his wig. Or is that like, a hand coming from his back?
BW: Male Monster Baldness is a thing. Toupee tentacles too.
QP: It looks like a creepy hand. He’s got another creepy hand holding the lady he kidnapped. Where is his sexy lady tie from last issue? That was the only continuity in this issue I cared about.
BW: It really classed him up.
TGH: His whole outfit is wrong from last issue. This is what happens when you just play Telephone with people from month to month instead of taking notes.
QP: There are seven artists in this issue, so I’m sure we’ll see these standards upheld throughout. “Shit, did anyone tell Dan that Dementor is a ginger?”
TGH: This book was clearly very high on DC’s priority list, and not the clinic duty of the comics world.
DN: “Welcome to DC comics! We need 8 Guy Gardner pages by tomorrow.”
QP: They just farmed it out to the administrative interns. “Can you draw a stick figure? Yes? You’re perfect for Guy Gardner.”
BW: “I thought I flushed your butt down the Comaville sewer!” “…while I was sliding down the tunnel to Deadsville.” I’m thinking that the map for Guy Gardner: Warrior is not terribly imaginative. Imaginativeville, excuse me.
TGH: This just wreaks havoc on the Sandman lore.
TGH: Dementor opens his trunk and for some reason he’s been storing his dad in there. His dad, if you don’t remember, is the guy who thought that Vuldarians stealing their women and impregnating them to make alien hybrids that go crazy and try to murder Superman was a bad idea, and for some reason is the bad guy of this issue.
QP: Spoilers: He was right.
TGH: But wait, why is the random girl still in this comic? They completely forgot to write anything for her to do. Better just murder her in the grossest way possible!
QP: There was literally no reason for her to be in this comic. Except to murder her. Good job, guys.
DN: The ’90s, everyone!
QP: You know, in case you didn’t know Dementor was a murdering fuckface.
BW: In case I ever needed a reminder of Gail Simone being right.
QP: I mean, maybe you’ve missed literally every other appearance he’s made in this series, I don’t know. But as I feel like I say so often, if this is your first issue of Guy Gardner, I feel pretty bad for you.
TGH: Supergirl is staring right at Beau Smith for this bullshit.
TGH: Tiger-Man appears, which is about the most generous way I can word a guy crashing through a wall that was probably right next to a door, firing a gun sideways with his eyes closed.
QP: Whoever this artist is, they don’t know how to draw an anthropomorphic tiger.
BW: And here we have our first radical art shift as Mudakka looks NOTHING like he did literally a page ago.
TGH: THEN, Sentinel shows up, because of reasons. Glad to have you on board, buddy. I’m sure you’ll make a fine contribution. “Someone’s breaking through our magic!”
“It’s me, Sentinel. Continue.”
QP: And then Arisia shows up in a vagina shirt. It both looks like a vagina, and is pretty close to showing her vagina. Seventeen. Years. Old.
BW: Which is only fair as Dementor has spent the last three pages undressing.
DN: Never strap a spiked baseball bat to your back while wearing a vagina dress. Just asking for trouble, there.
QP: Strapped it to her back while also wielding a comically large gun. The kickback will just make the spikes hit her in the ass. That’s not comfy for anyone.
BW: I was wondering why I couldn’t remember Mudakka’s name and it’s because Dementor keeps calling him Daddy. This actually makes me more uncomfortable than Arisia’s “outfit”. And that makes me REALLY uncomfortable.
TGH: Really the only reason to have so many people show up is so Mudakka can suck them into some kind of dream vortex (of demise) and we can have a decent amount to nightmares to check out.
BW: And explain this increasingly different art.
QP: They had to pad the book out somehow.
DN: Everyone loves a nightmare montage!
TGH: Sentinel, who, if you’ll remember, showed up just 10 seconds ago and had one line, gets the first nightmare. Should’ve stopped for that coffee on the way.
BW: Instead he goes for a visit to the place “WHERE OLD SUPERHEROES GO TO DIE.”
QP: Well at least the first bit is J.H. Williams III doing a really good EC comics impression. Which is basically the best thing in the entire run of Guy Gardner: Warrior so far.
BW: It’s as unsubtle as a brick, but that’s the thing I love about EC and you’re totally right that this is an EC riff.
QP: I see they forgot to drop Williams the memo that Dementor had a creepy beard.
TGH: Beardless Dr. Dementor pulls out a chainsaw for a lobotomy. This guy gets results!
DN: Why would you lobotomize someone for being old? Never mind, it makes about as much sense as anything else.
TGH: He didn’t spend years in Asshole Medical School to have his methods questioned.
QP: The next nightmare scenario is Tiger Guy getting the old Ewok treatment.
TGH: Tiger-Man’s only fear is being skinned. You’re so vain, you probably think this page is about you.
BW: This artist is a little harder to peg down, but the composition is pretty neat.
QP: “Not my fur!” I know it’s just a badly written attempt to express his fear, but that shit is hilarious.
BW: Tiger Man’s secret revealed — he’s actually a furry. “NOT MY FURSONA!”
TGH: Since Arisia is a woman, her greatest nightmare involves finding a husband and having babies.
QP: Well, it’s a pretty gross husband. At least, marginally grosser than Hal Jordan.
TGH: Her dream husband turns into Dementor, who I guess takes her home for some good old-fashioned comic rape! Nobody else got the rape dream!
BW: “Here comes the bride, strapped to my side, har he haw haw.” C’mon Dementor, I came up with better limericks than that in grade school.
DN: The car they drive off in has a “Just Mauled” sign. I don’t know if that bit of cleverness was writer or artist.
TGH: Supergirl has a fear of being cloned, and also having her head attached to her body.
QP: No one told the artist of the Supergirl nightmare that the faces on Dementor’s chest faces aren’t just a piece of armor he’s got stapled there, or something, I don’t even know.
BW: Seeing the changes from page to page, I’m increasingly convinced DC was just playing Telephone with the artists.
DN: Maybe Beau Smith’s scripts are just crazy vague.
QP: Also that word bubble is really strategically placed to avoid the fact that Dementor’s horrible pubic hair is taking flight in the breeze. Which, for some reason, is more of a loincloth in this panel.
BW: A small mercy for us all.
TGH: Meanwhile, Dementor and Mudakka have Guy in a cage, taunting him James Bond style.
QP: I’m still not buying that Mudakka is the bad guy in this situation.
TGH: They should’ve just slit his throat, and gotten this over with. Mudakka got cocky over all those years. Guy, of course, just stands right up like it was nothing. Well done, you two. You’ve doomed us all.
QP: These two pages are making me wish Wieringo did every issue of this book. The story would’ve been shit, but at least it would’ve been pretty to look at.
DN: All of the folks that made their way out of the blah blah of demise or whatever show up to beat the living shit out of Dementor and Muddakka.
BW: Alan Scott, terrified by his nightmare, is now apparently 16 years old as a reaction.
QP: Arisia’s outfit is pretty bad, but at least she didn’t reappear with whatever the fuck it is that Supergirl’s wearing.
TGH: Guy actually looks concerned that all of his friends are now evil-looking and have blood in their eyes.
QP: Vagina onsie notwithstanding, I kinda love how Arisia is drawn in that panel, like she knows exactly how hard she’s about to beat the shit out of everyone.
DN: She sure does try to take Mudakka’s face with that bat. Damn, girl.
TGH: Jesus, that looks pretty painful. Face: gone.
QP: Somehow he’s still standing in the next panel, which I’m assuming is magic-related.
TGH: Arisia is standing on the car behind Mudakka, gleefully pounding the shit out of him. Good for her.
QP: While Tiger Guy shoots him with a gun.
BW: Sideways, I should mention.
DN: They did not care for their nightmare hallucinations.
QP: And Supergirl throws a now-green Dementor into a building.
TGH: I like that Dementor is just like “umm…join me?” to Guy. Yes, that has definitely been your plan here.
QP: He was only trying to kill him a little bit. He can totes get over that, right?
TGH: I do think that the fist-through-the-shield trick is a good one.
QP: I wonder if that’s an artist or writer credit.
BW: Dementor also steps right over a great line, “Evil step-daddy you looked like you needed a hand. Blah blah blah.” Seriously, it should be “You needed a hand, here’s five.”
QP: This issue just goes on for. Ev. Er.
TGH: Dementor has something happen to his chest. I don’t even know what is happening here. Did Supergirl throw a grenade in there? Was his chest turning into a black hole?
QP: I’m pretty sure no one involved with this book knew what was going on here.
TGH: Supergirl goes through multiple costume changes from panel to panel too. I’m so confused.
QP: Pretty much everything that happens in the last five pages of this book is an unintelligible clusterfuck.
TGH: There are pages and pages of fighting here. They maybe should’ve spent more time on the nightmares, because at least that had a point. This whole fight is a confusing mess. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as improvisational comic book creation, but here’s an example of why that’s a terrible idea.
QP: You can hardly tell what’s happening in some of the panels. Guy’s arms turn into snakes? Dementor turns into smoke? Sentinel makes a big green piece of machinery?
DN: Sentinel makes a trebuchet. I can tell you that much.
BW: If nothing else, it’s a reminder of how essential an editor is to a comic.
TGH: Dementor also loses his shit about The Enemy, which gives everyone the opening they need for this whole thing to finally wrap up. I hope “feel Vuldarian justice” does not become a thing, because this is like the 5th time it’s been said in two issues.
QP: Vuldarian Justice sucks.
BW: “It’s over!” You cannot possibly be more relieved than we are Sentinel.
TGH: Dementor and Mudakka are banished to a place that’s cold and dark. A place where you don’t have to draw a background and can just color everything black.
TGH: Apparently, because the last page is just more Kraggz crashing in Paris and murdering Metamorpho! T-the end, I guess! This is pretty shocking, but the next issue promises a Big Fight! Well it’s about time!
QP: I’ve got a dollar says it’s just a fight between Guy and a meter maid.
TGH: Now that one of the two recurring page killers has been resolved, Guy probably has to face these Kraggz at some point. Will he succeed? Will we be able to follow the art well enough to tell? Find out next week!
TGH: I am sad to announce that both the artist and the colorist have respectfully resigned. Maybe that’s why this issue was such a clusterfuck.
QP: Mitch Byrd quit and only had half the book done.
TGH: I’d like to think that maybe the art won’t be such a mess from this point forward, but I know better.
QP: Dementor has taken over the letter-answering duties this issue, which I’m sure will be thoughtfully done.
QP: I sincerely hope the FBI started tracking Sean Salisbury after his letter.
BW: At first I thought he was a 12-year-old with poor socialization, then I read the fifth paragraph about fetishes and knew better.
TGH: Sean and Dementor have a pissing contest over who is going to kill who over Beau Smith’s political affiliations.
QP: He’s pretty glad that John Stewart might be dead, too.
QP: There’s also an extended rant about the proper sound a life support machine should make.
BW: “Beep. Not veep!”
QP: Dude actually likes Dementor, so I think he summed himself up pretty well in the first paragraph.
BW: Bodies buried in the basement, I’m telling ya.
DN: This kid’s two favorite characters are GUY and LOBO. The pet population in his neighborhood must be dwindling.
TGH: I miss when non-murderers wrote in.
’90s Ad Showcase:
DN: Warlock: you didn’t see the movie, now don’t play the video game!
QP: It’s not Castlevania, not really. If they say that there’s no copyright violation.
TGH: Yeah, I have no idea what this is. I do think it’s adorable that companies used to give their phone numbers for orders. They urge kids to get permission before calling that number and incurring a fee.
QP: At least it’s just a long distance number and not 1-900-BAD-GAME
BW: I’m reminded of Batman: Digital Justice. The book nobody wanted.
QP: I like that “computer generated imagery” is a selling point. From our entirely computer animated show.
TGH: Man, stretch that damn vidwindow large enough that you don’t have to scroll around to see it all. I don’t know if Terminally Cool means what they think it means.
BW: *Terminator 2 score*
QP: Maybe like a computer terminal? Like maybe its just a very very bad pun?
TGH: It is, but everyone died. It was terminally bad.
DN: Aerosmith: Box of Fire! Let’s just skip the box and set the discs on fire.
QP: That is a really good drawing of Steven Tyler’s mouth.
BW: I never got the whole egg thing. Seriously.
TGH: “So I’m thinking we just draw a dude coming out of an egg and screaming into a mic. Lunch?”
QP: “You ain’t never heard ’em like this,” except it’s just all 12 of their albums that you already have.
TGH: I had one of these, but it lacked the authentic Aero-Hologram Sticker, so clearly I was scammed.
BW: Columbia House, man. What can you do?
QP: Aero-rarities is a fucking mouthful.
TGH: Next time, Mitch Byrd sneaks back into the office and has his final revenge. Tune in next month for FUCK YOU Gardner: DC SUCKS Warrior.