TGH: Welcome back to DC’s greatest triumph! The last time we checked in with Guy, he was hot on the trail of his brother, the renowned villain Militia. Guy thought he killed him, but it turned out it was a robot, then 10 minutes later he was actually killed by Major Force, so Guy slashed his throat open and murdered him! With such a heavy deed on his conscience, how will Guy manage to continue his job as a hero? By throwing a huge party apparently, because fuck all that other noise!
QP: A true Warrior never feels bad for murdering. And certainly never lets feelings get in the way of partying.
TGH: And a true shared universe of heroes doesn’t seem to care all that much either.
QP: That’s kind of the weirdest part.
TGH: Even Superman didn’t RSVP “No” on principle. You know he heard that shit go down.
QP: Yeah, but he’s all dark and gritty now, you can tell by the mullet.
DN: Also Starfire is the bouncer?
QP: I think that’s Veronna?
TGH: Yeah, it’s his sex slave/warrior slave.
QP: I honestly can’t tell who half the people on the cover are.
TGH: I’m apparently not as well-versed in the ’90s DC Universe as I would like to think, because yeah, there are a lot of people I don’t know.
QP: Also there are entirely too many Teen Titans for the grand opening of a bar. Impulse is definitely not old enough to drink.
DN: Bart can use the future drinking age which is like 12.
TGH: I do think this is a pretty cool cover though. It’s hard to tell by the scans, but the cover proper is the doors to Warriors, which open up to the scene of everyone inside. Out of all the Guy Gardner comics I now own, this is probably the one I’m least embarrassed to have.
DN: Good use of Phil Jimenez, too.
QP: I do like that it’s hinting at some of the “plot” points in the issue. Plot in quotes because, well, there’s not really much of a plot here.
TGH: I like that Guy invited Nazi Dinosaur to the opening. No hard feelings, buddy!
QP: OH MY GOD I did not notice that.
DN: I also missed the Supergirl upskirt because classy.
QP: They keep it classy with Supergirl the whole way through this issue.
TGH: Yeah, that’s a pose that doesn’t make sense unless she’s throwing something, which she is not.
TGH: Our issue actually begins with Darkseid of all people, who has been watching Kyle for some reason.
DN: Because he is the greatest Green Lantern of all time, of course.
QP: Do the Green Lanterns go up against Darkseid often enough to justify him watching them?
TGH: I guess he thought they were gone for good, so a new one popping up might be worth keeping an eye on, I guess.
QP: Fair point.
TGH: Seems like something he’d keep a contingency plan for anyway.
DN: Desaad has the best thinking fingers.
TGH: He and Desaad think some shit might be going down, since he’s hanging out with hundreds of heroes at a Vuldarian’s headquarters. Which seems fair, honestly.
QP: Yeah, you’d think all of the villains on Earth would be keeping track of that party/planning to bomb it.
DN: Jimenez Darkseid face is up there with Kirby Darkseid face.
TGH: It’s a pretty good Darkseid face. He is sufficiently menacing.
QP: I was gonna say, Jimenez does a really good putting ridiculous, Kirby-esque levels of detail in his Darkseid pages. I can’t imagine how long that console must’ve taken him to draw.
TGH: Darkseid is such a badass in this issue too, so Beau Smith should get some credit for this scene. He knows the Tormocks are eventually going to come after Guy, and hopes for their sake they stay the fuck out of his way when they do. This whole Tormock thing is probably going to be a big deal in this comic and it is nothing to him.
QP: It’s kinda great. Guy thinks he’s such hot shit in the universe, and Darkseid doesn’t even give a fuck.
TGH: The entire run of Guy Gardner doesn’t even register to him (or many of us, but still).
DN: “Oh. Right…Vuldarians…Sure.”
QP: Darkseid barely cares about the guys that killed them off, let alone the Vuldarians themselves. Greatest warriors in history my ass.
TGH: Ultimately, all of the heroes meeting up bores him too, and he leaves. Meanwhile, back at Warriors, Guy is getting ready to meet his suddenly-adoring public. I guess saving the president that one time is still giving him a boost, even though he pretty much blew up the capital immediately afterwards.
QP: That, and the fact he’s having a major superhero party. That alone would probably get the news cameras rolling. Superheroes! They go to shitty bar opening parties, too! They’re just like us!
DN: Cat Grant, TMZ of the DCU, is covering.
TGH: That’s true. They’ll be tweeting about this shit for months.
QP: Guy appears to be having some nerves about his big party. He’s wearing a tux, which means he’s already overdressed.
TGH: Guy is adjusting his tie in front of a framed cover of Guy Gardner: Warrior #21, which is the kind of thing that makes my brain leak out of my ear.
QP: Wow. Wow. Wow. Why? Why does he have that framed in his office?
TGH: What is even happening in this universe?
QP: Commemorating that one time Guy got his ass handed to him by the dude he hates most on Earth.
TGH: I’m sure Arisia loves walking by that every day. Guy walks out to meet everyone and dear God are those doors huge.
QP: Pretty sure he’s keeping King Kong in there.
QP: Cat Grant starts interviewing Guy, just in time for Veronna to punch the shit out of her.
TGH: She does this every time the mail comes.
QP: I’m not entirely sure how she sent Cat AND the cameraman flying like that with a single punch, but hey, I don’t write this comic. I just roll my eyes at it. Of course, the assault is NBD to Guy. Veronna just gets overprotective!
TGH: Rocket Red shows up and reminds Guy that Ice and Kilowog are dead, even though Guy was the one who found Kilowog’s deformed skull to begin with.
DN: Thanks, Hal.
TGH: The comic kind of wanders off into one of many scenes of just random mingling between heroes, which is fun if you’re a fan, but a little difficult to offer a coherent play-by-play on.
QP: We discover that Phantom Lady and Flamebird have a literal thing for cats, as they cozy up to Tiger Dude for the remainder of the issue and talk about how soft his fur is.
DN: Congo Bill is maybe a lot creepy.
QP: We also learn that Blue Devil shaves his head because he thinks it gives him an edge with the ladies.
DN: Who the hell is Blue Devil talking to?
QP: No idea. Probably some ’90s flash in the pan.
DN: I’d look it up but I don’t want my search history to include “blue skin blonde hair perm.”
TGH: Then per their contract, they add another page of Tormock arrival with a bunch of space randos. And then, as quickly as it begins, the scene is over.
TGH: Back on Earth, some porn star dressed as Superman tries to crash a party full of people who know Superman, that the actual Superman was invited to. Oddly enough, that doesn’t work out so well.
DN: Damn it, Ron Jeremy.
QP: And Lady Blackhawk shows up and people are really shocked by this? I guess this is when she first got kicked to the future or something.
DN: I think that’s a few pubescent heroes reacting to Lady Blackhawk.
TGH: I don’t want to gripe about the art too much, because it’s pretty good, but I’m not digging that 90% of the background facial expressions. If you wanted to see the entire roster of the DC universe a) smiling creepily, or b) gobsmacked, then you’re in luck!
QP: Half of these people look like they’ve never been in a room with another hero before.
DN: Guy mocks Artie despite the fact that Ice is RIGHT THERE.
QP: I don’t think that’s so much him mocking him as being uncharacteristically not an ass about him losing his hand.
TGH: Aquaman is sad because nobody is making fun of his hand, then he gets mad because Guy is totally going to make fun of his hand, and then Guy doesn’t, shocking him. Thus ends the entire tale of “Aquaman Goes to Warriors.”
QP: Also, surely that is not Ice.
DN: Is it Dolphin?
TGH: I just assumed that was his wife or something. She’s got her hands on him a lot.
QP: I guess so, looks like Dolphin only ever wears cutoffs and a button down. Worst costume ever.
DN: I may need to turn in my geek card.
QP: Why is everyone at this party in their costume? It’s a party. Hawkman has to work his way through the crowd with 9 foot wings and a mace. Can you really have fun wearing body armor and carrying your signature weapon?
DN: I believe Rocket Red can.
QP: Well yeah, Rocket Red can have fun anywhere he wants.
TGH: I think they’re eating up the TMZ attention. They really are just celebrities.
QP: But Donna Troy would totally put someone’s eye out with those shoulder pads.
DN: Yeah the Darkstars are terrible at parties. And at everything.
TGH: Lady Blackhawk meets up with Guy and explains that she did in fact just warp from that scene in Zero Hour right to this very moment, which is as convenient as it is weird. Guy lets her stay there, so maybe she’ll be a regular now?
QP: Also, where the hell is Sally?
QP: She saved your ass multiple times, Guy, you better have given her a VIP invite.
TGH: Maybe she’s in the background somewhere. Smiling or shocked.
DN: She still deserves a miniseries.
TGH: Then, because this issue isn’t schizophrenic enough yet, we jump to Blackgate, where all of Batman’s villains are watching this whole thing for some reason. Mostly because they’re playing it instead of The Grind. Bless you, Two Face.
QP: Ok, that’s hilarious.
DN: Kelly Jones Riddler makes an appearance.
QP: Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately for them since they don’t seem to be enjoying the simulcast, someone launches a psychic attack against all of their brains. And also Goldface.
TGH: Dementor shows up, and I don’t know what happens here. Does he eat everyone? Just Goldface?
QP: Two Face also, from the looks of it.
TGH: I can’t imagine that Dementor, of all people, murdering Two Face is canon, but who the hell even knows anymore?
QP: Is he murdering them or just taking them to Comaville? The art looks really good, but I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on.
TGH: Yeah, I just have no idea.
DN: Meanwhile, Tiger Dude gets some love and Gardner looks like Jay Leno?
QP: Well if Rocket Red says it, it must be true. Meanwhile, Phantom Lady considers bestiality, Terra is avoiding her brother, and Platinum fucking owns at poker. Also I guess some heavy shit with Judo Master, but who cares?
DN: Platinum beat fucking Superman because he’s too much of a Boy Scout to cheat.
TGH: Buck is all mad because he wanted Platinum to bet her body and lose. The joke is that she’s valuable, but it’s still super creepy!
QP: Buck Wargo: Creepmaster.
DN: Buck Wargo and Congo Bill have a creeper bet going.
QP: Hawkman wishes everyone would shut the fuck up so he can watch football.
TGH: God, who even invited Hawkman?
QP: Braniac teleports into the party, someone shoves a beer glass into his hand, and then he teleports back out. No mention of whether or not he did that intentionally.
TGH: He looks confused the entire time, so probably an accident? Then again, that’s how everyone is drawn.
QP: Except for Captain Atom, who looks like a smug motherfucker. And then promptly gets punched out of the fucking building.
TGH: Hawkman is shocked. SHOCKED! Even though football was giving him a visible erection several pages ago.
QP: Everyone rightly assumes this means Guy won’t be rejoining the JLA.
TGH: Buck tells Guy he needs to let his feelings out. Okay, Buck. Good talk.
QP: I think he let his feelings out right into Atom’s face.
DN: Artemis and Donna Troy almost have a scrap over Artemis being a shit Wonder Woman.
TGH: Then to shift gears again, Lobo randomly shows up with Arisia and Captain Atom in his arms.
QP: Which is certainly one way to make an entrance.
DN: And calls them “the babes”. Is Lobo bisexual? Good for ’90s Lobo. You frag whomever you want to frag.
TGH: Guy just goes ahead and hits Lobo while he’s holding Arisia, causing her unconscious body to fly through the air. Well done, hero.
QP: Somehow this sparks an all-out barroom brawl. Which Superman will have none of. These are all the greatest heroes on Earth, y’all.
TGH: Poor Superman. He though going to a murderer’s party was somehow not going to end this way.
QP: He’s not a very effective as a leader since nobody listens to him.
TGH: It’s just a clusterfuck for the next few pages.
DN: Guy threatens to cut off Lobo’s dick. Seriously. I mean, ’90s as hell, but still.
TGH: He’s mad that Lobo made fun of Parallax kicking his ass, even though he commemorates it at his own bar.
QP: It’s hanging on the wall for crying out loud. Wait, did he invite Ultra-Humanite to his party? Or are there multiple white gorillas in the DC Universe??
DN: Nope. He got an invite. Weird.
QP: Krypto is really unimpressed with these human shenanigans. That might be my favorite moment in this issue.
DN: I thought that was Rex the Wonder Dog.
QP: Shhh no, it’s Krypto.
TGH: He left his cape at home.
QP: Look, maybe there don’t need to be two white superdogs in a universe, ok? Maybe one of them should be brown or something.
TGH: Guy tosses Lobo out just as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone roll up, in case we forgot what decade this was.
QP: Oh that’s why that floating head looks like Schwarzenegger. I didn’t pick up on that.
TGH: I guess we fast-forward to the next morning, where Guy let Lobo stay and drink every single thing at the bar. Guy really showed him.
DN: Hey, a regenerative alien is a good person to have a tab.
QP: Also the superpowered bar fight just flat out destroyed the bar.
TGH: Everyone conveniently left because the Secret Society of Supervillains reformed, or whatever. Who even cares?
QP: Yeah I’m sure they did. Right.
TGH: Guy and Lobo being assholes seemed like reason enough. Arisia and Veronna go to look for Guy, who vanished at some point.
QP: Apparently he’s locked himself in his office and turned into the Elephant Man.
TGH: Guy is behind a locked door, so Veronna politely explodes it. The tensions ratchets as they walk in on Guy masturbating! To be Continued!
TGH: What the hell even happened to Guy? Will someone explain the changes in his body to him? Has Veronna ever even heard of knocking? Tune in next week!
QP: The letters column starts with an offer to be in an issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior if you can name every character on the cover. Talk about a No Prize.
TGH: Whoever wins is probably just eaten by Dementor.
QP: That’s probably the best way that could end.
TGH: I wonder if anyone even attempted this?
QP: Probably. Nerds must know this kind of shit.
TGH: I’m sure one of the regulars figured it out actually. Since they’d be the only ones who read the offer.
QP: No doubt. Charles Brown got them all right, and then insulted Guy for inviting half of them. And then was promptly eaten by a Nazi Dinosaur.
TGH: The full-page contest does manage to cut the letters down. Which is good, because there’s only time for one person to suggest that Guy beat the shit out of Catwoman to put her in her place.
QP: WOW. WOW. Just. Wow.
DN: WHAT. Can we never look at letters again?
TGH: Nice try, but we must, so that others can learn of the atrocities of the past.
QP: Guy says beating up Catwoman isn’t for a code book. I think “tussle” is code for sex though. Because eww.
TGH: Luckily(?) that’s really the only letter of note. And what a letter.
DN: Thanks, only creepo.
’90s Ad Showcase:
TGH: Poor DC had to take ad money from a book that has a Stan Lee endorsement.
QP: That doesn’t sound like Stan Lee at all. Doesn’t say “Excelsior!” even once.
TGH: Well, I mean, it’s not THE Stan Lee of course.
QP: Stan Lee’s secretary clearly has a more natural voice to her writing.
DN: Drawing a bunch of circles never worked for me.
TGH: Damn, $25 with shipping in ’90s money seems like a rip.
QP: Just look at it as an investment to get your successful comics art career started, though. Once you’re making millions a year drawing Batman, $25 sounds like nothing!
TGH: That’s true. I have to assume that most of today’s artists made that investment.
QP: I like the Simpsons callback in the Impulse ad.
DN: Impulse is great.
TGH: Is he just not-Flash?
DN: He’s hilarious Flash.
QP: He’s Barry’s grandson from the future.
TGH: Oh here we go.
QP: And yet another DC attempt to have their own Spider-Man. Though I think he’s the closest the got, because he’s pretty great.
DN: But he has no filter. Good comics.
QP: I do call shenanigans on the artist for outlining Bart in “I won’t run in the hall,” because they didn’t feel like drawing that many of them. Commit to your idea, buddy.
TGH: Batman Jazz. I’d really love to see what probably awkward thoughts DC writers have about jazz music.
QP: The Dark Knight is gonna combat bigotry. Thank God DC fixed that forever.
TGH: Until it turns out that some evil jazz musician was behind all of it.
QP: No doubt.
DN: Sounds about awful.
TGH: Is Batman dancing to jazz music in that ad? That looks like how ’90s Batman would dance.
QP: That’s how all the kids dance these days.
TGH: The Death of Clark Kent. DC reached the bottom of the barrel, only to find a trap door to a cellar. This summer: The Death of Kal-El.
QP: I wonder how many total times they’ve killed Superman or Superman-adjacent characters now?
DN: They kept that going until like 1996.
QP: Were there people who went out of their way to pick up every dead Superman issue? Do those people regret the money they spent now?
TGH: Probably hardcore collectors who are now sad.
DN: I have more than I’d care to admit.
QP: You can buy the entire Death of Superman story arc for $12 on Ebay. All 14 issues.
DN: And I am sad.
QP: Such investment. Much profit. Wow.
DN: It’s like comic seppuku.
QP: The Death of Clark Kent is $0.99, so I think we have our answer.
TGH: But I mean, at least you have some well-written stories.
QP: Oh certainly.
DN: I take solace in how many Dan Jurgens comics I own. MOVING ON.
QP: I guess they also killed The Flash. I mean, that’s the only thing I can take from this ad.
TGH: Maybe he’s the quick, and someone else is the dead. Maybe The Quick and the Dead was a companion series to The Brave and the Bold that never really panned out. Each month the Flash watched someone die.
DN: It was Mark Waid. It was awesome.
QP: Who died?
DN: No one.
TGH: Next time, Guy’s horrible transformation continues as he goes into Vuldarian puberty.
QP: All these uncontrollable Warrior problems he’s been having turn out to just be the Vuldarian equivalent of your voice cracking.
TGH: His Vuldarian pimples are actually nuclear warheads which is really why their species went extinct.
QP: They just blamed it on the Tormocks, because teenagers are assholes.