TGH: Welcome back to one of the most popular comics about a Warrior whose name is also Guy Gardner. Top ten, easily. Last week Guy and Steel fought some rando that the Quorum unleashed for some reason, and then randomly decided to visit his mom, only to find that Major Force killed her and stuffed her into a fridge, which was apparently his thing for a while, before it was decided by everyone on Earth that it was a horrible, horrible thing.
QP: It’s sad that it took a good 15 years before we were collectively horrified by that.
DN: He would later fake putting Kyle Rayner’s mom in an oven.
QP: Please tell me you’re kidding.
TGH: “April Fools!”
QP: Get a new schtick, dude.
DN: Hey, for being a Captain Atom villain, at least he made his mark.
QP: Closer to skid marks in undies, but whatevs.
TGH: According to the cover, Kyle Rayner will be joining us at some point, fresh off of the other fridge stuffing. Everyone is going to have some issue to work out this week. Also someone will kill Major Force! Right in front of the judging eyes of Abe Lincoln!
QP: If Guy doesn’t end up fighting an animated Lincoln statue by the end of this series, I will be shocked.
TGH: One of the greatest weapons used by some warrior in the universe was apparently a hammer with a beetle puking a knife for a head, so that’s at least pretty cool, if inefficient.
QP: Maybe it’s some kinda scythe? Which would at least be thematically appropriate.
DN: Meanwhile Kyle has constructed a Ninja Turtle Wolverine hand.
QP: That’s clearly an X-23 hand.
TGH: These guys have imagination. I can’t fault anyone for that.
QP: Meanwhile all Major Force can think up is a Kirby Dots hand.
TGH: The last issue ended with Guy’s mom clearly visible inside the fridge, with Major Force making a stupid crack about shoving someone in the fridge, so of course this issue opens with Guy demanding to know where his mom is.
QP: Denial is the first stage of grief, right?
TGH: I hope she wasn’t on the other side of that wall.
QP: It also looks very much like Guy just managed to blow up the fridge with that punch.
TGH: If she were still hanging on in there, she just got messed up pretty bad. So good job, Guy.
QP: And then Guy just punches Major Force through the wall, because I’m sure what his mom wanted for Christmas was to have to remodel.
TGH: That’s what her neighbor wanted too, hopefully.
QP: At least it’s just the garage. They can say they were trying to upgrade to a two-car.
TGH: Guy recounts a tale about how he used to clean the trash out of the garage as a kid, and Major Force is now in a garage, leading to the great line “Welcome to my neighborhood, flathead!”
QP: That joke would work better if his neighbors were there also about to enact chore-based justice on Major Force. Alas, they are not.
TGH: I hope Major Force has to clean this shit up afterwards with a crappy mop and a push broom.
DN: Major Force is like “OMG Guy is so powerful!”
QP: I don’t know why this is shocking. Guy has always been kind of a heavy hitter. An idiot, maybe, but certainly not a lightweight. And now he’s got face guns on top of that.
DN: Right? Why wouldn’t you expect a former Green Lantern and noted douchebag to pose a threat?
QP: Especially when he can make his arms into rocket launchers?
TGH: I guess he never got the memo about his new powers, even though his ring could also make guns. He was maybe hoping Guy would use his ring to make a fridge and then put himself in it.
QP: Also, what the hell did he think was gonna happen if he just sat around and waited for Guy to get home after fridging his mom? That Guy would curl up in the fetal position and cry? Guy is basically the king of blustering machismo. Of course he’s gonna go in swinging.
DN: Major Force pretty much sucks.
QP: What. An. Idiot.
TGH: How did he even know Guy was going to see his mom? I guess it’s Christmas, so not a terrible guess, but Guy hates his family. Shouldn’t that be in the file?
QP: Probably hedging bets he’d want to go see her what with Mace being A) alive and B) missing.
TGH: There’s a really boring Elseworlds where Guy never shows up and Major Force has a really long, personal conversation with a fridge corpse, then goes home.
QP: Sounds scintillating.
TGH: Guy refuses to listen to Major Force’s stupid fridge puns.
“Where is my mom?”
*punch* “WHERE IS SHE?!?!”
“Please listen to my puns and figure it out! I-I can’t stop!”
QP: Guy is beating the everloving dogshit out of him. This is probably the most uneven fight we’ve seen in this book.
DN: Yeah, Major Force has bad strategy. Kill someone’s mom and then let him punch you a whole bunch.
QP: This is why he’s only a major and not a general.
TGH: He was so excited about the fridge part he forgot to figure out the second part of the plan.
QP: Step 2: Don’t get punched.
TGH: Step 2: Keep running until Guy forgets who you are. Or maybe Step 2 was Guy sees his mom and cries in front of the fridge while he gets away, but Guy was too dumb to look slightly right.
QP: Maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. I figured Guy saw the body in the fridge and refuses to believe it. But maybe he didn’t, and all these stupid puns are just flying over his head.
TGH: I think Guy literally has no idea what Major Force was doing in his house.
DN: I’m going with too dumb to look.
QP: Major Force was just invited for Christmas Dinner and Guy started punching him.
DN: Punching is probably a staple at a Gardner Christmas.
QP: It’s like Ma Bear inviting Statler and Waldorf. Except Fozzie doesn’t start throwing punches, because an anthropomorphic bear comedian is more mature than Guy.
TGH: His mom just started seeing him. This first meeting was super awkward.
QP: “You’re not my real dad! My real dad was a WAY bigger jackass!”
TGH: While Guy and Major Force fight in the street, the evil aliens from last issue continue their trip to Earth, blowing some random people up while they’re at it. It’s a good use of a page I guess.
QP: Another half a page of punching would’ve just been too much.
TGH: They cut away from Major Force explaining how Guy’s mom unlocked something deep inside him.
DN: Oh God.
TGH: Then we cut away to yet another scene where Dementor, who is apparently not dead, murders a dude and then eats another guy. Speaking of Guy’s dad, it’s nice that his actor keeps showing up in bit roles.
QP: Oh goodie. I was really missing this creep. This is the “Punching and Future Story Arc Setup” issue.
DN: “Splack” is a pretty great vague death sound. Oh wait no that’s a decapitation sound.
QP: It’s honestly a nice couple of panels. It took me a sec to figure out what happened in the SPLACK panel, until I saw the mob guy’s head on the ground in the next one. And then Dementor eats not-Guy’s-dad.
TGH: Dementor might be more fun if he’s gonna straight-up run around murdering people and not molest ladies with his tongue.
QP: Agreed. I think they’re going for a Venom-esque kind of villain, and maybe I just missed Venom being all molesty, but I feel like this is kinda missing the mark a bit. So more eating people, less licking ladies.
TGH: I never thought about the Venom comparison, but that actually makes a lot of sense.
QP: Yeah, when you boil them down to the least common denominator. Hulking id monsters that are villainous spin-offs of their heroic nemesis.
TGH: I guess they ran out of fun fight settings, because when we get back, Major Force is trying to stop Guy with a tiny car for two pages.
QP: Throw another Smart Car at him, MF. Go ahead.
DN: His car-based banter is mediocre at best.
QP: He should change his name to Major Pun.
TGH: It’s pretty awful. They even manage to toss an OJ reference in there.
DN: And then Guy says something kiiiinda racist.
QP: What, about the rice burner?
QP: It’s so out of place for such a culturally sensitive guy.
DN: Good point. Buy American, everybody!
TGH: I’m sure Guy is sorry everyone is offended.
QP: Major Force still doesn’t understand how someone who’s only power used to be an infinitely powerful wishing ring got so damned powerful. Guy’s entire body is a weapons-based wishing ring now.
DN: But he can never don a shirt again.
TGH: Only a shirt made of plastic explosives.
QP: Shirts are Vuldarian kryptonite.
TGH: I was legitimately amused by Guy almost getting hit by a truck and Major Force taking a crack at his brother.
QP: You’d think Guy might pick up on that clue vis-a-vis who Major Force might be working for but nah.
DN: Guy doesn’t do logical conclusions.
QP: I cannot with these puns anymore. Stoooooooop. At least Black Hand’s puns were clever.
DN: So apparently his full name is Major Damage Force.
TGH: Major Eustace Damage Force.
QP: Major Eustace Damage Force Esq., thank you very much.
DN: The third.
QP: And his friend, Theodore Logan.
TGH: Major Force spends an entire page throwing shit at Guy and refusing to shut up, and then still gets machine-gunned by Guy, who is not impressed. I’m glad this is three parts.
QP: Guy is apparently a terrible aim with the arm machine gun, because he doesn’t even graze Major Force, or the oil tanker he’s holding.
DN: Thankfully Best Green Lantern Forever Kyle Rayner shows up to catch the tanker before it blows up the highway.
QP: I didn’t know Kyle Rayner was secretly a talking chipmunk. CH’P 4EVA.
DN: We’re going to agree to disagree on this one. Byrd does not draw the crab mask very well.
QP: I mean, I’ve seen worse, but yeesh.
TGH: Major Force, who was already losing but now has two people after him, just starts putting people in danger to stall, including a school bus full of kids on Christmas at night.
QP: Worst field trip ever.
TGH: A Quorum helicopter finally shows up and Major Force manages to escape by…leaving uninterrupted.
QP: One of these guys can definitely fly. Why is no one going after him?
TGH: If only someone could use the power of imagination to grab him in an infinite number of ways.
QP: Or likewise use the power of imagination to shoot him in an infinite number of ways. It still hasn’t been established if Guy can fly, has it?
DN: Apparently not, even though he should be able to make his feet into rockets.
QP: You’d think.
TGH: Free from their burden of helping anyone or doing anything, Guy explains to Kyle that he’s in DC because of his brother, which is NOT TRUE. He was in DC to get his medal for saving the president! That was one issue ago! Why would Guy think his brother is here anyway?
DN: Kyle automatically asks anyone who deals with Major Force if he went near their kitchen.
QP: It’s a pretty fair question.
TGH: Then he finally, slowly, explains to Guy what probably happened to his mom. Guy finally probably gets it, maybe.
QP: He really didn’t put all those stupid fridge puns together.
TGH: Guy is the dumbest. They arrive back at Guy’s house, and luckily someone had run in during the fight and cleaned up that half of the kitchen pretty well.
QP: They fixed the fridge, too, so that’s nice.
TGH: If they had talked a little longer the whole house would’ve been good as new.
QP: Kyle has a little breakdown when Guy goes to open the fridge, which is honestly kind of a nice touch.
TGH: Yeah, it’s not often in this comic that they spend much time on actual personality.
QP: Well you see, Kyle is allowed to have feelings because he’s not an All-American Ass-Kicker.
DN: It turns out Major Force just killed someone house sitting for Ma Gardner. And the cat, because fuck you Major Force.
TGH: The cat got freezered. Jesus. Major Force’s cat, Mewjor Furs was responsible for that one. He stole all the fish while he was in there.
QP: And pooped in the sink.
DN: I’m picturing the most muscular purple orange cat imaginable.
TGH: Add Mewjor Furs to the ever-growing commission list. Luckily Guy’s mom was out of town, so no real crime took place here, since the neighbor and cat are not important to the DC universe, thank God.
QP: And no need for Guy to try and get up with his mom and let her know her friend and cat have been murdered and her house destroyed, which is convenient when Honey calls to let Guy know where Major Force is. Guy and Kyle can just blast out of there without alerting the authorities about the dead body or anything.
TGH: I guess even the Quorum thinks that Major Force is a big enough douchebag to rat him out, which is a little sad.
QP: He’s probably getting ripped a new one. They just wanted him to go punch Guy a little and deaden his brain with terrible puns, not commit homicide. And catricide.
QP: So Honey explicitly told them Major Force was hiding underneath a building. Therefore, Guy and Kyle bust through the roof of that building.
TGH: Kyle has a terrible one-liner as they enter and Guy encourages it. This is a slippery slope we’re dancing on, Guy.
QP: Kyle is too young and impressionable to be hanging out in Awful One-Liner City.
TGH: They do no waste any time though. Major Force didn’t even get to finish bitching and Kyle’s punching the crap out of him.
DN: Guy’s clothesline looks like he broke Major Force’s neck.
TGH: Major Force can’t catch a break in this issue. Which is fine, really.
QP: Yeah, he kinda deserves whatever he gets.
TGH: I guess he does finally get one though, when Guy and Kyle are interrupted by none other than Militia! And one of the guys from Daft Punk!
QP: Oh good, this guy again.
TGH: And a guy with I swear to God an actual Militia hat that someone paid to have made. Militia and his Misfits.
QP: If Militia’s such a badass, why does he have to have backup? Real True Doom Murderheads don’t need backup.
DN: That’s the team assigned to help him out of the suit in case of bathroom emergencies.
TGH: The heavy weaponry is actually used for that purpose as well.
QP: All those pockets are just attached to catheters.
DN: I’ll never question pouches again.
QP: It makes so much sense now.
DN: You’ve solved the Cable paradox.
QP: Sometimes you just really gotta pee in the middle of your epic railgun battle, you know?
DN: Liefeld’s facial expressions make so much more sense.
QP: It’s a grimace of relief, because you’re making water in your pants and no one can tell.
TGH: Will Guy and Kyle get their revenge on Major Force? Will an explosion or stray bullet cause one of Militia’s piss pouches to spray Daft Punk? Where can I get that hat?! Tune in next week for answers to these questions and less!
QP: Anything worth talking about in the letters? I didn’t really catch anything.
TGH: Someone bitches about Guy’s story being cut off for Zero Hour, which was our complaint too!
DN: Cat Grant looks like Heather Locklear. According to Guy, anyways.
TGH: Some dude complains that there was Spanish spoken during the story that was set in South America, when we all know that we speak American here, and Guy tells him to piss off.
TGH: Some girl literally offers to fuck Guy and it was printed. I think she sent that to the wrong publication.
DN: She’s from Georgia, I buy it.
QP: “Dear Playgirl, I’d never considered soliciting a fictional character from a comic book series before, but…”
QP: I assume Playgirl has a letters column.
DN: Stands to reason.
TGH: Probably also called Guy Talk.
QP: If not, it’s probably in there with some of the obviously fabricated Cosmo Confessionals.
TGH: Two upcoming issues, the first being the conclusion to this story in Green Lantern, and then finally the opening of Warriors!
TGH: If only we had RSVPed to Beau Smith’s AOL opening party.
QP: They have to remind you that you need a modem to get on America Online.
TGH: 10 free hours! What a steal!
QP: How far we have come in 20 years.
’90s Ad Showcase:
TGH: I feel bad. I never seem to play any of these games advertised in this comic. I think Lufia is a classic too.
DN: Yeah I never got that one either.
QP: I love how generic all of the publications with review blurbs sound. Game Players, Video Game, and Game Fan? You’d be excused for thinking they were just made up for the ad copy.
TGH: Those were different times, I guess, though I assume it’s easier to get Game Players to give you a glowing quote for your game since it’s just a dude in his garage.
QP: It was just a zine some guy found in the trash.
QP: Ok, I’ve got an idea. What if we did Superman, but instead of being a reporter, he was…I dunno…maybe a knight? BRILLIANT.
TGH: I thought it was a Christmas greeting from Superman, but then I saw a sword. Don’t get on his naughty list!
QP: Sir Santa Superman.
TGH: “A veritable Superman…” ugh, shut up.
DN: Written by the artist of Watchmen.
QP: Friendship and romance and ultimately…death. Spoilers! Is…is Dave Gibbons known for his writing at all?
QP: Ok, I was afraid I’d missed something.
TGH: Oh shit, we should pick up this three-part series about Guy Gardner, Kyle Rayner and Major Force! Where can I find such a thing?
QP: God, I hope I haven’t missed any issues. It just looks so epic and stabby.
DN: Gotham Knights 2 looks like Batman is killing a amusement park full of people.
TGH: What the hell is going on in this story?
DN: No idea.
QP: There’s fire, and crying children, and a floating cat.
TGH: “Suffering, laughing, working. Killing Dying.” The feel-good comic of the year!
TGH: I think we need a copy of Mitefall.
QP: Somehow I missed the Batmite involvement the first time I saw that ad.
TGH: Written by the lead character in Jurassic Park.
QP: The “ridiculous” version of the Azbats costume doesn’t really look that much more ridiculous than what’s actually out there.
TGH: Yeah, it’s pretty identical.
QP: There’s just an extra bat face drawn on there for some reason.
QP: DC Universe would like to show us that Frank Pittarese’s desk is a fucking mess. Way to shame him into cleaning, guys.
TGH: Is that the top of a liquor bottle in the garbage can under the desk?
QP: Hard to tell, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
DN: I imagine being a DC editor requires a certain BAC.
QP: This picture is supposed to reveal secrets but the only thing I’m noticing is a Spoiler issue of Robin. Haaaaay Steph Brown miss u bb.
TGH: He doesn’t even have a computer. Just a phone and a Rolodex. Madness!
QP: Clearasil is still trying with these obnoxious ads, bless them.
TGH: If people haven’t been cleaning their faces before, they’re not going to start now.
TGH: Next week, Guy and Kyle have everyone on the ropes, only to be foiled by Mewjor Furs and the Kat Krew.
QP: The most fearsome alliance of villanous kitties ever!
TGH: Catpain Boomerang, Meow Master.
QP: The Jokepurr.
QP: Things are looking grim for our heroes, until Selena Kyle stumbles on the the scene, scoops all of the Kat Krew up and gives them kisses on their widdle noses, which was their secret weakness all along. Then she takes them home to be her new henchkitties. It works out well for everyone.
TGH: They name her fridge Captain Cold and draw a face on it.
QP: Mewjor Purrs gets really annoyed when she puts food in it and not side characters. Cats, amirite? I mean, what can you do? They’re just like little people!