TGH: Welcome to the final battle of Super Guy Gardner: Warrior Edition! Last time, Guy and a bunch of other frankly unimportant heroes traveled to Oa to find out why all of the Green Lanterns were dying, only to find out that the planet was under siege by the apparently now-evil Hal Jordan! Last issue ended right as Hal and Guy were about to go at it. Will Guy prove to be victorious? Let’s find out! The issue opens with….oh.
QP: Sad trombone.
TGH: As far as I can tell this isn’t even a flash-forward, nor is it picking up from some other issue. Guy challenged Hal, and then he was impaled immediately. Beau Smith is ready to move on.
QP: Yeah, I can’t imagine if there had been some epic battle between Guy and Hal in another issue, they wouldn’t desperately be trying to get us to also pick that up. Hal just said “fuck it.”
TGH: Hal grabs Arisia and starts trying to rip her arm off, except I guess it’s a Shadow Hal, because glorious caped Hal is standing at the top of the crater. He really is a Final Fantasy boss.
QP: Yeah, this is a very confusing page. He’s also attaching some green energy Smooze to the back of her head or something? Surely this wasn’t just some plan to get rid of all the color in Ponyland or something.
TGH: Alan engages in some sort of wizard battle with him, while half-naked Arisia just kind of floats all over the place.
QP: It’s great, because you can just blow three whole pages with two pictures of them punching each other with their magic wishing rings. Really speeds this stupid story along to its conclusion.
TGH: Every page in this issue is either a full-page panel or a two-page spread. I mean, I’m not complaining. It makes my job easier this week.
QP: The sooner we’re all done with Emerald Twilight, I think the happier we’ll be.
TGH: Hal defeats Alan, chains him, and drags him by some imagination chains while he carries Arisia under his arm, in a page that must have launched 1,000 fan projects.
QP: Dig those chiseled abs on Alan’s strategically torn uniform. Haaaaaay.
TGH: Instead of doing anything in violation of the Comics Code, he makers the boring choice and just adds them to his weird-ass collection of unconscious people.
QP: Yeah, The art seems to imply that he’s maybe sending them back to Earth? They seem to be stored inside of magic comets. Or more likely the artist isn’t really sure what the hell he was supposed to draw here.
TGH: It’s hard to tell. We need some sort of motion lines or something. It looks like they’re in stasis, but they’re pretty far off the planet. Like, if Wonder Woman is flying to Earth, maybe don’t have her hair floating upwards.
QP: Hal tries to have a Shakespearean soliloquy, but is interrupted and tackled by a presumably zombified Guy. Because I just don’t feel like you come back from a giant energy spike through the chest, no matter how much they need a deus ex machina.
TGH: I guess I’m supposed to be relieved that he’s alive, but we started the issue confused as to how the hell he died in the first place, so I wasn’t super invested.
QP: Guy does let us know that you can’t kill him off that easily, so I guess that’s that. I feel like “impervious to energy spikes thru chest” is something that should be in his powers rundown on the DC wiki, but hey.
TGH: He doesn’t even explain what happened, in a book that until now repeated information every other page. I don’t think the writer actually knows.
QP: No. That seems pretty obvious.
TGH: His draft was 50 pages of fighting, but he had to cut it down just to the part after the presumed death.
QP: They could’ve cut down all the splash pages and actually shown us the fight. But that’s crazy talk, I know.
TGH: Guy goes into detail about his ulcer history in some of the best fight dialogue I’ve seen.
QP: Guy has opinions about Boy Scout types, man. Thank God he gets to share them with us.
TGH: He and Hal get into an argument about which one is the most diseased maniac. It’s hard to decide sometimes.
QP: Depends on the day. Hal doesn’t understand why Guy isn’t cool with him bring back a weird zombie version of Coast City. I mean, besides the obvious, of course.
TGH: Hal has some real weird dialogue where he just kind of starts repeating phrases.
“Your ring won’t stop me. You came here to stop me…”
“If you get in my way, I’m sorry. If you try to stop me I’m sorry.”
Did anyone proofread this?
QP: Guy calls him a murdering psycho, accurately describing the last few months worth of DC comics events, and this is apparently the thing that pushes Hal over the edge. Um, Hal, you murdered a lot of people. Perhaps you have forgotten about the asteroid field of dead bodies that is now surrounding Oa.
TGH: Hal thinks that by murdering the entire police force of the universe he can bring one city on Earth back. I guess at the expense of literally everything else. Kinda crazy, Jordan.
QP: Murdering? Check. Psycho? Check. For once, Guy is 100% accurate.
TGH: Guy then tries to use his exposition warrior powers on Hal to tell him all about how his ring works, but then I guess Hal just destroys the ring mid-sentence.
TGH: Harsh, man. He’s been practicing this speech for months.
QP: Fortunately, Hal punches him down to Oa before he can die from the lack of air. Unfortunately, he’s probably burned up in the atmosphere, or at the very least been crushed into a puddle of Gardner jelly in a crater somewhere.
TGH: Guy gets to keep his robot suit right up to when Hal smacks him upside the head and strips him to his underpants, which thank God he was actually wearing. I hadn’t thought about how much of his suit was from his ring until now. Just everything but the boxers. Ring boxers chafe.
QP: Yeah, I think the rings providing your uniform or what have you are pretty standard operating procedure. Though I have never considered the underpants aspect before, so thanks to the creators of this issue for making me think about that.
TGH: I bet Guy could’ve stopped him if he was not wearing actual underwear. Hal would’ve just started crying until all of his rage melts away.
TGH: Hal tells Guy to warn everyone that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but he WILL fix everything. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone starting…………….now.
QP: Dammit Earth, why do you make him hurt you like that? Hal sends Guy back to Earth in another big green comet, thankfully explaining what the hell he did with the rest of the Justice League earlier.
TGH: Luckily for Guy, Hal wrapped him in his lantern chains to protect his dignity when he lands.
QP: Yeah, what is even the point of doing that? He’s not gonna try to get out of that comet before he gets back lest he DIE.
TGH: I think underpants Guy wrapped in chains is now more dressed than Arisia.
QP: It really doesn’t take a lot to be more dressed than Arisia.
TGH: So that was actually the entire issue, thanks to taking up entire pages to show the shortest fight ever. While managing to leave out tiny details like how Guy was stabbed through the chest, and also how he survived it. Those seem like big deals if you’re going to bother showing them.
QP: Its honestly kind of a waste of paper. There’s suspension of disbelief, and then there’s whatever just happened in this issue.
TGH: Really the entire point of the four-part Emerald Fallout story was to a) make sure we found out about Militia being Mace, b) remove Mace as quickly as possible forever, c) remind readers that more interesting things are happening in actual Green Lantern comics, and d) remove Guy from the Lantern group as quickly as possible.
QP: If I was not a regular reader of this comic who had only picked up these issues for the tie-in, there is no way in hell I would ever read another one.
TGH: I bet the Green Lantern comic insisted that people read part 1 and 2 of Guy Gardner: Warrior for the 2 panels each relating to Emerald Twilight. Then they get to read a bunch of bullshit about Militia.
QP: Oh, no doubt. Someone specifically mentioned the little lizard lantern.
“I wonder what happened to him?*”
*See Guy Gardner: Warrior #18
TGH: People buy the comic and watch him disintegrate mid-sentence – Hey! Guy has a shitty suit! It’s like they wanted people to hate this comic.
QP: Can you imagine the “poor” sucker who didn’t pick up those two issues and wondered who the hell this chucklefuck in the banana suit was in the middle of Green Lantern?
TGH: It didn’t even tell us to read any Green Lantern comics to see Guy do anything. I don’t think he even showed up in the main story. I guess it makes sense; they weren’t going to get any new Green Lantern readers from Guy Gardner fans.
QP: Considering how littered the letters pages are with “fuck the Green Lantern Corps” sentiment, no, definitely not. And anyone who was already a fan of Green Lantern but reading Guy Gardner was definitely picking up the main books too.
TGH: Guy Gardner’s too cool for the Green Lantern Corps. Please keep reading these crossovers though!
QP: Its a wonder it took crossovers as long as they did to get a bad rap. You know, for like, five minutes, and then they started right back up again.
TGH: Was Guy Gardner: Warrior some sort of tax write-off or something?
QP: It does very often feel like that, yes.
TGH: So now that Guy has been utterly defeated and hurled back to Earth a failure, what will he do next? Is there some other stupid way for him to get another ring that works every four issues? Tune in next time and find out in exactly what direction this comic is going!
QP: If it’s not straight down the shitter, I’ll be shocked.
TGH: Prepare to not be particularly shocked.
TGH: General Glory takes over this letter column this time, which is pretty great, actually.
QP: It’s 100% the best thing that’s ever happened in Guy Talk besides Charles Brown.
TGH: Speaking of which, he heard my prayers last time, because he has returned!
QP: Charles Brown has some thoughts about Marvel he wishes to share.
TGH: Not very good ones. In fairness, they didn’t have their own Militia.
TGH: General Glory defending the crappy art of issue 15 is pretty funny. Kids love all those extra lines!
QP: Someone else totally figured out that Militia was Mace before he was even actually in a comic, so that’s pretty good. Or more likely, a plant from DC to talk about their budding superstar anti-hero before he disappears from everyone minds. Whoops, too late.
TGH: Seriously, if you wanted him to be a thing, maybe force your writer to use him. Seems like Beau Smith’s condition for working on this comic was that he could do whatever he wanted, which apparently included starting over.
QP: Starting over only a handful of issues after we just started over.
TGH: The next issue box is just…okay, sure, let’s have a sexy jungle adventure. Seems like the next logical step after getting your ass kicked. I guess we’ll leave Hal alone then. No round two.
QP: Yeah, surely no one needs to stop him or anything.
TGH: Well, they tried. Fuck it.
QP: I mean, he beat them fair and square. To try and fight him again would be poor sportsmanship.
TGH: That’s why he didn’t fight him again the last time he lost his ring to Hal. At least they’re consistent? Accidentally?
QP: It’s true. Maybe Guy has short term memory problems regarding fights.
TGH: He did just get punched in the back of the head yet again. That typically doesn’t go well for him.
QP: Punching in his general head region is just a weakness.
’90s Ad Showcase:
TGH: The ads this month are kind of shit. I think everyone knew that this was going to be a bad issue. They’re mostly internal DC ads.
QP: Yeah, they really didn’t waste any ads they cared about in this issue. I guess they figured no one was gonna pick up this book, anyway…
TGH: “We expect 200 people to pick up this issue.”
“Hmm, maybe next month.”
TGH: Six Flags takes advantage of the discount.
QP: Yeah, running a very boring ad.
TGH: When you’re #2, you do everything #1 does and more. Like advertizing in a really shitty issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior.
QP: “We’re not #1” is an ad campaign that only works well if you’re Snapple.
TGH: Marvin the Martian is the only one who’s aware of how sad this is.
QP: Well that’s because his life is nothing but sadness to begin with. Stupid ducks and rabbits ruining his attempt to find a new planet to live on.
TGH: Hell, Six Flags is Time Warner anyway, so it’s still technically a DC ad.
QP: Basically. There’s even a shot of the Batman ride. Does every Six Flags have a Batman ride?
TGH: I’m not sure. Okay, so there is not a single ad in this issue that is not from the DC/Warner conglomerate.
QP: They asked their other advertisers if they wanted a spot in this issue and they all rolled their eyes.
TGH: At least the DC Universe page for this month is neat.
QP: Heh, yeah, that’s kinda neat. Damage’s entry must be after he blew up Atlanta.
TGH: Weird. I guess 1994 was the exploding city year at DC Comics.
QP: Presumably so. But Atlanta’s not one of their fake cities, so no big deal. Tim Drake is, of course, that kid you hated in high school. And I have no idea who Anima is. But overall, it’s kind of a cute idea.
TGH: Yeah, I guess she never quite took off.
QP: Well, somebody’s got to be the odd man out.
TGH: According to the Internet, she only had a few issues, then reappeared in 2009 so they could kill her. So typical DC shenanigans.
QP: The usual. When a D-list character reappears after years, it’s just to kill them. Which I am henceforth calling the Blue Beetle Effect.
TGH: She was at least not fridged. Just merely cut in half to no one’s benefit.
QP: I don’t know if that’s any better.
TGH: Probably not.
TGH: Next time, Guy travels through the jungle in search of new powers. He finds a skull filled with liquid and drinks it. He immediately dies of super dysentery.
QP: He died as he lived: firing shit out of every orifice.
TGH: It is considered to be the most graphic and horrible issue in comics history, and is a collector’s item as only 10 went to print before everyone at the printer also fell violently ill from having to see it. The ten issues are stored in lead bags for the safety of everyone near it.
QP: Somehow, it was still only worth 25 cents when we found it.
TGH: It has been dubbed “The Brown Comic.”