TGH: Welcome back my friends to the comic that never ends! Last week, Guy finally settled the score with Militia, who ended up being Guy’s brother Mace, thought to be dead for years. This issue picks up right where we left off, with Captain Atom, Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman getting the crap kicked out of them.
QP: Someone has conveniently planned green-themed traps to overpower each of them specifically. I do wonder who it could be.
TGH: Wonder Woman’s outfit, along with the artist’s lack of understanding with regard to nipples, keeps her modest as she is defeated.
QP: Everyone knows boobs work like half a cantaloupe stapled to your chest.
TGH: This story is the first one from “Battleship” Beau Smith, so I guess he wanted to shake it up a bit and just skip right to another fight instead of wrapping up any kind of family drama that was built up between Guy and Mace up to last issue.
QP: Instead, he just dumps some guilt on Guy for bringing the Justice League out to wherever they are. Queue flashback!
TGH: We quickly learn that this is a horrible vision of the future, as Guy begins a flashback that actually does pick up where the last issue left off…at JLA heaquarters without Ice or Mace. Guy tells Alan Scott to tell him what’s going on, so I guess he just followed him back to New York silently once he showed up in the last page of the previous issue.
QP: Alan Scott questions Guy for not noticing all the strange things that have been going on that are related to the Green Lanterns. You’ve noticed them, though, readers? Because you’ve been buying all these conveniently listed out issues, right?
TGH: They drop six damn issues in two panels. Shameless. Alan reminds Guy that Coast City exploded, but Guy didn’t know about it because his clone was at the memorial. An entire city died, and nobody ever brought it up again I guess.
QP: No big deal.
TGH: Cable news channels in our universe pray for this kind of shit so they have 5 years of programming. I seem to remember Guy getting mad at General Glory for not watching TV when he didn’t realize that his clone was a murderer, and yet Guy missed Coast City being wiped off the planet.
QP: Yeah, but Coast City exploding didn’t affect Guy personally the same way getting punched in the face did. Thankfully, Darkstar or whoever he is shows up to fill in some more of the goings on, for whatever losers at home haven’t been picking up every thrilling issue of Emerald Twilight.
DN: The Darkstars were low-rent Green Lanterns for a while. Donna Troy was one while she was dating Kyle Rayner. They sucked. Like, L.E.G.I.O.N. levels of suck.
TGH: Colos tries to add some exposition, but Guy doesn’t care much, and decides to march angrily to Oa, or at least the other side of the room.
QP: Guy naturally assumes that he should take over any and all operations to figure out what the hell is going on. Everyone else disagrees.
TGH: Beau Smith starts laying down the sick Gardner burns on poor Colos. Dimstar, Dorkstar, Dumbstar, Poopstar, Fartstar….
TGH: Grade-A writing here.
QP: Guy has the insult vocabulary of a 3rd grader.
TGH: Meanwhile Colos just straight up calls him vermin, so Guy’s retort is punching him into whatever the hell tank is behind him. I feel like they installed that there just for someone to be punched into one day. It was not money wasted.
QP: Wonder Woman and the rest of the Justice League show up and break it up. And oddly enough, Wonder Woman seems to agree with Guy.
QP: Guy, Alan Scott, and Colos seriously can’t go a page without getting into a slapfight. I’m assuming it’s mostly just to pad out the issue.
TGH: Guy once again insists that he’s going to Oa. So go already. Why are you talking to these people if you don’t want to deal with them? Use your space ring to leave.
QP: Right? He doesn’t want to work with them at all. There’s nothing keeping him there. Just imaginary robosuit your way to Oa.
DN: The Ray is prominently featured again. Along with Arisia who is chesty as all hell.
TGH: I’ve not been following JLA, but I have no idea when Arisia even showed up or why. But she wants to go too because she was drawn into this issue.
DN: In Daisy Dukes for some reason.
QP: Young lady, you can’t go to Oa until you put on something other than denim underpants. For some reason Guy doesn’t want her help. Also, he has to be as insulting to her as humanly possible.
TGH: Probably because she’s like 14. And doesn’t have a ring or any sort of powers at all.
QP: Oh, does she not?
TGH: I think the whole deal with this Emerald Twilight thing is that all of the Lanterns are dying and/or losing power.
QP: Oh. Man, if only they didn’t expect me to read a bunch of terrible comics I don’t care about to know what’s going on.
TGH: I don’t see a ring on her, though in fairness her hands aren’t on her ass, so they didn’t spend a lot of time putting details there. Guy and Wonder Woman have a moment. He’s really grown in an unidentifiable way that the comic insists took place.
DN: “Call me Diana, you tool bag pile of garbage.”
QP: Yeah, he’s being exactly the same asshole that he’s always been, and for some reason that’s given him a big gold star in Diana’s eyes.
TGH: Before he would’ve punched Darkstar through a bigger tank.
QP: Everyone goes out to the balcony for some unexplained reason, and Arisia shows back up in the most ridiculous fucking outfit I’ve ever seen.
QP: Like, they never should’ve made it to Oa because they all died laughing at her.
DN: Ankle holster.
TGH: I bet she pulled that together from the lost and found too, just like Guy’s outfit. Guy really missed out by leaving those boots behind.
DN: Holy crap I didn’t notice the heels.
QP: Power Girl had that outfit made and thought it was too showy.
TGH: Also she has a power scouter. Where’s your power scouter, Guy?
DN: She can tell how many thousand Hal’s power level is.
QP: She stuck her finger in a light socket and got a targeting monocle to show Guy what a grown up she is. Also SHE IS 14.
TGH: Remember when Sally was a strong female character that held her own against villains? What if we put an underage girl in lingerie and give her a ton of guns? That’s kind of the same thing, right?
DN: I think by this point she’s 17 which isn’t better.
QP: Still illegal in most states.
TGH: Still unsettling everywhere. Guy lets her go with them now. Ray is the only one as skeptical as we are about it.
TGH: “*Sigh* Yeeeah.”
QP: So Guy magics up a ship with his ring and they all board. And then Ice shows up for no reason and wants to come too, even though she and Guy are not a team, remember? And Guy says she can’t go!
TGH: Somebody has to watch over Mace, who I guess is in her basement now. “Hey, I’m leaving the planet. Watch over my comatose paralyzed brother for me. Bye!”
DN: They even have a teary goodbye! Continuity says what?
QP: Sorry, I think I just threw the comic across the room.
TGH: And I’m pretty sure this is the last time we ever hear from Mace in this comic!
DN: Jeez, really?
QP: Well I’m really glad he got a six page introduction like he was some sort of character for the ages.
TGH: Mace died on the way back to his home planet.
QP: So now, 14 pages later, they all go to space, finally.
TGH: As Ice sheds ice tears over the love of her life heading off into battle while his brother vanished from the timeline.
QP: Not shown: now ever many hours of space travel full of them all sniping at each other.
TGH: Beau Smith has no time for this shit. Really, I’m surprised there weren’t several issues of the trip.
QP: They could’ve just cut the two issues of Militia and covered that.
TGH: See JLA and Wonder Woman for what happened on the trip (nothing)!
QP: Everyone just uncomfortably avoided looking at Arisia’s costume. For the entire trip.
DN: It’s like Rob Liefeld showed up to design one costume. Except there were shoes.
TGH: I guess Guy’s ship creates wormholes, so maybe it wasn’t a long trip after all.
QP: We have a Star Wars-esque “coming out of hyperspace into an asteroid field” moment, except instead of the destroyed remains of Alderaan, the debris is all dead Green Lanterns. EDGY.
TGH: What if this was Star Wars, but with corpses?!
DN: Why is Guy’s default mode shitty armor?
QP: I don’t recognize any of them except for Epcot Center Lantern, so I am very emotionally detached from the moment.
TGH: They find a living person; a former Lantern, named Probert, which is pretty much space-Robert. He’s about to give Graf a Viking funeral. Sorry, Space-Viking.
QP: Guy asks who killed him, and Probert only tells him it was a Green Lantern, which I guess makes Guy fly off to Oa by himself in a rage?
TGH: “It’s one of your own.”
Guy lands on Oa and immediately finds Kilowog’s skull, which he can identify.
DN: Well, it is a weird looking skull.
QP: If they hadn’t said on the cover what that was I would never have known.
TGH: Also, again, planets are pretty big. The odds of landing next to a skull of your friend is pretty damn close to zero.
QP: The shenanigans have layers, like an onion.
TGH: Guy cradles the skull and has a good cry. Arisia sees that her friend is dead and is held back so she doesn’t get all hysterical like a woman.
DN: Arisia is stopped by Martian Manhunter’s comically-large bicep. Like, Jesus, are there Martian steroids?
TGH: All the while Kilowog’s skull stares at the reader, cursing us all.
QP: “A pox on your poozer houses.”
TGH: I mean, I assume that’s the front. Everyone is attacked except for good ol’ hysterical Arisia.
QP: Well that wouldn’t be fair, she’s having a nice womanly cry. That’s like punching a guy with glasses.
TGH: I do like that they keep making sure her gun is off-panel so they don’t have to draw it. Keep stretching those arms juuust out of view, Arisia. There you go.
DN: But what about her ankle guns???
QP: Those are just rectangles. That’s really easy to draw.
TGH: Then some weird green balloon explodes near her, and her gun’s not even there! It was your idea to give her the gun, guys. Don’t write checks your hands can’t cash.
QP: Who’s getting blown up in the balloon explosion?
TGH: I actually have no idea.
DN: At the very least Ray. I think.
TGH: They just drew a generic hero-ish person on top and called it a day.
QP: That’s really all you need.
TGH: He has no helmet and just kind of generic features shared by several people.
DN: Dickstar, maybe?
TGH: Basically everything from the beginning happens again but with different art. Martian Manhunter does not turn into his weird alien form before getting set on fire. Guy had one too many beers before remembering this story.
QP: Atom just stands there and lets himself get covered by slime.
TGH: I love Atom’s nonchalant acceptance of what’s happening. “Uhh, yep, definitely fucked.”
DN: Wonder Woman gets pummeled by some…green dudes?
QP: And then Hal Jordan appears in a ball of green lightning.
TGH: In the end, Guy, Alan Scott and Arisia’s butt are the only ones unscathed.
QP: Which is interesting considering Arisia’s butt is the least protected thing on Oa right now.
TGH: I guess Hal was just hiding underground for some reason. He wanted to make a final boss appearance.
QP: Its very something out of a JRPG. Though the Amano concept art probably looked a lot better. Like, a lot.
DN: ISAY DOMINAY SEPHIROTH.
TGH: Hal declares that this will end NOW…next issue.
QP: “I’ma punch u, Guy.”
TGH: Will next week actually be the end of this thing that really just began this issue, but is technically in it’s third part? Will Hal pay for whatever the hell is even happening here? Tune in next time!
QP: There really doesn’t seem to be anything worth talking about in the letter section.
TGH: I do like that most people are bemoaning the loss of Joe Staton. I’m sure they’ll be super happy by the time they get to these issues.
QP: Dear letter writers,
Try to be more interesting in the future, which is also technically the past.
Hugs and kisses,
The GuyGardnerColonWarrior.com Team
TGH: Charles Brown needs to come back and shake things up with his awful letters.
’90s Ad Showcase:
QP: The Death of Superman never ends, I guess.
TGH: Seriously. What the hell are they even advertising this time? They’ve done a novelization of it by this point.
QP: Hardcover collectors edition. Now with more pouches!
DN: The novelization is actually better than Reign of the Supermen.
QP: I’m a little sad that you’ve read it.
DN: Yeah I read it. It was in the library. When I was 13.
TGH: At least the art was probably competent.
DN: You’re right.
QP: Alfred Chicken is the hero the ’90s deserves.
TGH: Alfred Chicken for Smash Bros.
DN: I can safely say I never played this one.
QP: I doubt anyone else did, either.
DN: I mean, I rented some shitty SNES games. But Alfred Chicken was not among them.
TGH: I wonder if General Mills sued them for stealing the Cocoa Puffs mascot.
DN: Ok, can we talk about the Ray ad? The male model Ray ad? The Calvin Klein Ray ad?
QP: If it will make you happy, yes.
TGH: In an alternate universe, Heroes aired in the ’90s and Peter Petrelli looked like this.
QP: I dunno, that gentleman is pretty attractive, in that ’90s floppy haired Teen Beat heart throb kinda way. Had I seen this on the cover as an impressionable preteen girl, I would totally have picked up at least one issue. I honestly kinda wish DC had done a series of these. Live action covers of their superheroes, to show how stupid a lot of these costumes look IRL.
DN: Power Girl would be the first.
TGH: They did that Justice League TV movie in the ’90s that did a pretty good job of that.
DN: Truth. Mark Waid helped on that. To his chagrin.
QP: Not sure why Guy is wearing a blue costume. Also hahaha holy fuck what is the Atom wearing?
TGH: I’m pretty sure the Lantern Corps wasn’t even a thing in that movie. He was just some idiot with a magic ring. Ice and Atom ended up liking each other in the movie. Shit ain’t canon.
QP: Did that actually ever air?
DN: No, thank fuck. Just con copy fodder.
TGH: It’s on YouTube if you hate yourself (I do).
QP: I am morbidly curious about this.
DN: It was Fantastic Four bad. Seriously, you’ll only hate yourself.
QP: I sat through the first nine hours of the Star Wars Christmas Special, I can make it through half an hour of terrible ’90s Justice League.
DN: You were warned.
TGH: It’s like 90 minutes, but does not contain any Jefferson Starship.
QP: What about Bea Arthur cooking?
TGH: Only a few minutes.
QP: I can handle that.
DN: Actually, I’ll admit I’ve never subjected myself to it.
TGH: Gunfire, the guy with a gun wrench, and a bump in his metal suit to let his penis breathe. Jesus H.
DN: Gunfire is only good in Hitman 3000. Garth Ennis. Go read it.
QP: This looks very very stupid. Deeply stupid. Legendarily stupid. I don’t even know if that’s a word, but that’s what it looks like.
TGH: “I’ll just stand here and hope you guys miss me 500 times. Oh good, you did!”
DN: He can turn his body parts into guns!. That is his legit superpower. He is one of two series that came out of Bloodlines.
QP: A hero for the ages.
TGH: That belt really does a good job of keeping his one-piece outfit from tearing in half and having the bottom half fall down.
QP: Yes but without the belt, it would be a much more streamlined costume and therefore much easier to draw. Can’t have that! If it doesn’t look like a 7 year old drew it in their math notebook, it’s not getting published.
TGH: If it keeps the artist conveniently keeping his dick off-panel, I’m all for it.
QP: I like that it’s either belt or full frontal male nudity in your world.
TGH: Isn’t it?
TGH: I appreciate the Jack Kirby tribute, but also find it funny that it’s printed in the exact opposite of anything he ever did.
QP: I mean, I’m sure Jack Kirby contributed to a bad comic at some point. But at least the art in it was amazeballs.
TGH: Also, almost every title they credit him for is a Marvel title.
QP: Yeah, but otherwise they’d have to acknowledge OMAC and Kamandi, and they’re not in any of their ongoings right now, so bump that.
QP: Next time: Turns out this was all just a big misunderstanding, and Hal Jordan was tearing up Oa looking for a lost contact. He finds it, and is then shocked by all the carnage he caused.