TGH: Welcome back, Guy Gardner fans and robot enthusiasts! Last time we saw our hero, he was given a robosuit by Blue Beetle, then he went to make up with Ice, whose injured breasts are on full display after his arch enemy/giant manbaby Militia was fired out of a submarine into them. It’s…complicated.
QP: She looks like she’s singing “Let It Go.”
QP: Too bad DC can’t milk that sweet, sweet crossover money.
TGH: Oh God, he blew off one of her fingers on her left hand. Or she’s half Simpson on her father’s side.
DN: Norwegians are all half Simpson.
QP: Militia starts up with the horrible cliche villain lines.
TGH: Guy’s about to break down last issue, just in case, again, this is the first issue someone bought. I guess they have to do this every time, but maybe just have that “read last issue!” box at the bottom or something.
QP: It makes all those Dan-Jurgens-Booster-Gold origin pages look tame by comparison.
TGH: I guess this has the benefit of limiting how much new story they need to write for this issue. Militia’s very first punch breaks a bunch of crap off of Guy’s suit, so things are looking up already.
DN: Beetle probably skipped a few steps, because fuck Guy.
TGH: Beetle claimed to be working on this suit after it wasn’t good enough for Booster Gold, but that was clearly a lie.
QP: But at least Militia finally acknowledges that Guy has a new suit.
TGH: Seriously, if someone I know just randomly shows up in a banana-colored robot suit, that is the very first thing I’m going to point out.
QP: Fortunately, somebody hits one of the suit’s ability buttons, and it electrocutes Militia.
TGH: Probably Militia on accident. Guy has no idea how that thing even works, since he didn’t want to let Beetle explain it to him last time. Guy stands there and mocks Militia for being shocked, instead of fighting, even though Militia is already standing, and clearly not that hurt.
QP: Guy misunderstands “Militia” as “Melissa” and now I’m gonna have the Allman Brothers stuck in my head for the rest of this post.
TGH: Guy is not very understanding towards the trans community. Not that anyone should be surprised, but still.
DN: The Melissa bit is the only joke that lands this issue.
QP: Militia takes offense at being called a girl’s name, and makes Guy’s servos overheat. Like Guy would even know what an overheating servo looked like.
TGH: Or they were punched off. Who knows?
QP: The servos were probably all those little exposed bits of machinery.
TGH: This was a terrible suit. No wonder Guy ended up with it. I don’t think Guy even tried to get his shields up while being shot at in its defense though.
QP: Beetle wasn’t about to waste one of his good suits on him.
TGH: Beetle has a much better suit in his lab that he just hangs his costume on.
DN: Melissa gets thrown like a city block by Ice. Who has super strength, now?
TGH: She apparently has better powers now, as outlined in Justice League. I did not read any of them. We’re well past the fun Justice League at this point.
DN: Well good for her!
QP: And then! Oh frabjous day! Ice gives Guy the brush off! “We are NOT a team, Guy.” BURN.
TGH: Sure, Ice. Blame the victim. Of course, it’s Guy, so seriously, do.
DN: She did get pushed down a flight of stairs. This shit has been a long time coming
QP: “Why is he after you?” Well look at what he’s wearing, Ice, wouldn’t you want to beat him up? And considering you can apparently shoulder press a ‘roided out gunbunny, why AREN’T you beating him up?
TGH: Meanwhile, Militia is in a crater, being sad and in pain. I guess his weakness is falling, like so many of us.
DN: Certainly mine.
QP: Getting thrown a mile by a tiny lady probably doesn’t help his fragile douche-ego, either.
DN: A tiny lady in a dance outfit, no less.
TGH: Militia’s handler, who now has a zipper on her suit so it can actually be worn, wants to get him out of there. Militia demands more wireless satellite power.
QP: Militia even sounds like a junky asking for more power for his suit.
TGH: “Juice me, Honey,” might be the most ambiguously gross thing ever said in this comic.
DN: The other people on the ship give zero fucks.
QP: The two dudes in the control room have really great WTF faces.
TGH: The one dude is just like “this fuckin’ guy.”
QP: There is literally nothing else for them to do but shrug.
TGH: If I were them I’d do anything to make sure he didn’t come back and try to kill them all again. “Sure, sure, give him more power. Blow him up, I don’t fucking care.”
DN: “Why the fuck are we doing this? The benefits?”
QP: Evil Corporations have really great 401k and profit sharing plans, turns out.
DN: BRB, applying to the Quorum.
TGH: I guess Militia got some power, because he blows Ice up as she gets near him.
QP: Guy gets all revengy, forgetting the fact that he was just getting his ass handed to him by this guy before she intervened. She’s the only reason you had a chance here, buddy.
DN: Guy’s suit is failing because Beetle wisely gave him a POS.
TGH: Guy grabs her and runs. Luckily, Militia is a horrible shot, except for when he was killing NPCs that one issue.
QP: He calls Guy a feeb. Really going all out on being as offensive as possible this issue, huh?
TGH: “Dyin’ time, Gardner!” Ooh, good one! Real lack of dyin’ afterwards, by the way.
DN: He is nothing if not a wordsmith.
QP: Guy plunges into the water and somehow does not sink straight to the bottom, which I am calling shenanigans on.
DN: Beetle made sure to include a buoyancy-tron in there.
TGH: Ice’s “natural defenses” kick in, which I guess just put her in a block of ice when she’s tossed into water while unconscious. How did they test that?
QP: I feel like that’s some bullshit Chuck Dixon just made up. This is totally not mentioned in the DC Wiki.
DN: We got Dixoned.
QP: On the upside, once he crawls back out, he just barrages Militia, not with, like, punches or something smart like that, but with cliche bad guy lines. Well done, Guy, golf clap for you.
TGH: So then Militia reveals what we’ve pretty much guessed at this point: that Militia is actually Guy’s brother Mace!!!
DN: Dun dun DUN!
QP: How surprising! Were you surprised? I was surprised.
DN: So surprised.
TGH: Guy was surprised.
QP: Only a little, though. Mace starts punching Guy and haranguing him about their dad.
DN: Mace gets in some decent digs. Without a ring or some shitty armor you’re nothing! Geez, dude.
QP: Unlike Mace, who without a shitty suit of armor is just a dude who cannot walk.
TGH: Guy hasn’t had as much time to think of how stupid Mace’s situation is. But yeah, pretty hypocritical of Mace to go there.
QP: And Mace proceeds to just rip his exosuit apart. Beetle’s gonna be pissed.
TGH: It looks like Guy is about to get beaten to death, but then his ring powers up for reasons unknown. So he casts Ultima on Mace and wrecks his shit.
QP: Well thank God for that.
TGH: I guess he uses his ring to make another crappy robot suit to wear. Good memory, Guy. Down to the last wire you didn’t know was in there.
QP: Why. Why do you need a robosuit when you have a power ring? So stupid.
DN: His handlers proceed to legit just go “fuck that asshole.”
TGH: Poor Militia gets unceremoniously dumped. After all he did.
QP: Which was not really all that much.
TGH: At least all he did up until Guy showed up and he became completely useless and a money sink.
QP: He blew up one drug operation and probably started a civil war. Good job. Totally worth his investment.
TGH: I hope they do a psych test on whoever their new tough guy ends up being. Or at least keep him away from family members for God’s sake.
QP: Why would the Quorum spend that much money making a suit just so a guy could stand up and walk around anyway? Wouldn’t it be cheaper to make that suit for someone who was already capable of locomotion? Why are there so many glaring plot holes? Fuck you, whoever came up with this story idea, fuck you.
DN: “Fuck Chuck Dixon” should be a t-shirt.
TGH: Why is Militia holding those weights on the far end of the bar?
QP: Crappy art is crappy.
TGH: Mace is sad that Guy got to be a hero instead of him, even though the whole reason he was trying to kill him was because his clone murdered people and he thought Guy wasn’t a hero. Just gonna gloss over that plot entirely and move on, I see.
QP: Right? Either he found out that Guy didn’t kill that guy and just didn’t care (in which case, why is the Quorum even letting him out?) or the writers just didn’t care. I’m picking the latter.
DN: Yeah gonna go with “fuck, deadlines” on this one.
TGH: Since this is billed as part 2 of the Emerald Fallout saga, Alan Scott shows up at literally the last second and tells Guy that something is happening that he has to help with. I don’t think that counts, guys.
QP: “Quick, we need half a Guy Gardner story to shoehorn into Emerald Twilight. Guy gets a robosuit and fights his dead brother for no reason? SOLD.” Nope, now you’ve gotta buy this issue to find out why Guy and Ice are punching Hal.
TGH: Of course, at no point is Alan Scott like “Hey, Guy we need you to- oh shit, is that guy dead? Are you okay? What the hell is happening here?” Just another day in DC Events.
QP: Editorial mandates are awesome.
TGH: Also, personally, I hate when they throw their comic book title logo into text like that.
TGH: Now that Militia is a smoldering pile on the ground, what crazy adventure awaits Guy next? We’re not about to find out now, so tune in next time!
TGH: They really spiced up the letter section this month with a snazzy new image! I guess nobody felt like drawing Guy in his robot suit laying in a pile of hate mail.
QP: Fare thee well, last bit of competently-drawn art in the book.
TGH: The letter section begins with the announcement that Chuck Dixon has had enough of this bullshit.
QP: I’m sure we’ll get someone that’s even more of a hack next issue.
TGH: Replacing him is Beau Smith, so has a dictionary entry under “ornery” and is waiting to go postal. That’s super encouraging. If I recall, he is the writer for all Guy Gardner: Warrior from this point forward.
QP: Oh good, the new artist worked for McFarlane. This is gonna go right to hell, fast, isn’t it? There is really nothing of note in this entire letter section.
DN: The second letter was so long I just TL;DRed it.
QP: At least it’s not another list of every Guy Gardner appearance, with reprints.
TGH: I do like that the very first letter praises a bunch of people who are long gone. “Yeah, they were great! And all off the book!”
TGH: I can’t tell if Chuck Dixon is being really passive-aggressive in his farewell blurb at the end of the letters.
QP: “All the mindless violence you idiots have been clambering for! I just wanted to make ART you mother fuckers.”
TGH: “All the unreasonable deadlines that DC shoved up my ass!”
DN: Chuck Dixon, you wrote Robin: Year One. Go fuck yourself.
TGH: Alas, the Chuck Dixon hate finally comes to an end as he returns to his home planet.
DN: No, I’ll keep hating him until my dying breath. But at least he’s off this book.
TGH: Next issue: a cover that has nothing to with anything up to this point! Encouraging!
QP: I probably don’t want to know what that misshapen lump Guy is holding is.
TGH: Emerald Twilight reaches its penultimate issue, and begins. Sorry Guy, but I can assure you that I did not pay through the nose for that issue in 2014.
QP: Twenty five cents was a little much to ask for, honestly.
TGH: After we review it I’m going to wrap it in tin foil and sell it for 50 cents.
QP: A most excellent plan.
90’s Ad Showcase:
TGH: Hey nerds, this Stridex ad was a long time coming!
QP: Oh my God, do something about your pizza face. You will never get a girlfriend with acne like that. I mean, you probably still won’t get a girlfriend even without it because you’ll start wearing a fedora and saying “m’lady”, but you’ve got a marginally better chance this way.
TGH: Stridex: Read and follow label directions.
QP: The best catchphrase ever.
TGH: It never caught on for some reason.
QP: I forgot there were three Naked Guns.
DN: Probably for the best.
QP: Although I do remember this ad. It’s probably bad that the ad was more memorable than the movie.
TGH: Ah, the good old days, when putting OJ Simpson in your movie didn’t make everyone cringe.
TGH: Damn, nine whole wrestlers in one game!
DN: Some little kid wrecked Sting’s shit.
QP: I didn’t know they made Juggalo wrestlers.
DN: STING IS NOT A JUGGALO.
QP: Face paint suggests otherwise.
DN: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
QP: Maybe that kid lured him over with some Faygo and then hit him with a brick.
DN: WE’RE FIGHTING NOW.
TGH: Fucking Game Boys, how do they work?
DN: Of course, it gets worse. By ’97 Sting had Crow face paint.
QP: I rest my case.
DN: Goddammit he’s a good wrassler.
QP: DC Universe is for some reason a fake TV guide page. Bill Paxton as Lobo? Go fuck yourself.
TGH: It’s great. Their casting is so weird but amazing. Christian Slater and Meg Ryan as Guy/Ice.
QP: Oh my God though, John Goodman as Kilowog.
DN: Jonathan Brandis as Brainiac 5- not bad, actually.
TGH: Raul Julia as Sinestro. Yes.
DN: Street Fighter the movie flashbacks- imminent.
QP: Would pay money for ’90s Cary Elwes swashbuckler Batman. And a freaking Blue Devil cartoon. This all sounds way more interesting than any of DC’s current cinematic offerings. Except for Bill Paxton Lobo. Still go fuck yourself.
QP: The Weird Science ad has bumped the Allman Brothers out of my head and replaced it with Oingo Boingo, so that’s a net win for my brain.
TGH: This was such a dumb show that I of course loved as a 14-year-old
QP: I don’t think I’ve ever seen the movie the whole way through, but I watched the TV show allll the time.
DN: Oh yeah. Watched the hell out of that. The movie had boobs.
QP: Well, let me stop everything and go watch it then.
DN: Please do. Also Bill Paxton.
TGH: Bill Paxton as Lobo as the brother.
QP: *sigh* There are, like, things I would actually be interested in in that movie, right?
DN: It’s not terrible as far as ’80s movies are concerned. Also has a baby RDJ in there.
TGH: I don’t think I’ve ever played a game of NBA Jam where I wasn’t Bill Clinton.
QP: That was an option?
DN: I was always P-Funk.
QP: P-Funk has a basketball team?
DN: Nah, he was one of the unlocks.
TGH: There were a ton of characters you could put into the game with codes.
QP: Huh. Well that’s weird.
TGH: Next time, Guy has to fight his dad, who was also given a robot suit by the Quorum, even though he is abusive and requires alcohol in his system almost constantly. Meanwhile, perfectly healthy mercenaries are out of work.
DN: I almost believed that.
QP: Deadshot and Deathstroke form a union, picket outside the Quorum’s corporate office. “No work for headhunting scabs.”
TGH: The Quorum sends out their security team: a bunch of dead cats taped to Shake Weights.
QP: Red Arrow time-travels from 2010, scoops them all up, and disappears in a puff of smoke.