TGH: Welcome back to another exciting Guy Gardner adventure! Last week, Guy randomly changed his name and gave himself a stupid costume. This week, he gets an even dumber one!
QP: It’s basically a Dinobot outfit.
TGH: If he doesn’t transform into a train in the middle of a fight I’m going to be disappointed. Also he was clearly in a hurry since he could only glue spikes onto one of his arms in time for this picture.
QP: Such shoddy workmanship.
TGH: This is apparently part one of the Emerald Fallout storyline, so yay?
QP: Oh God, I didn’t read elebenty issues of Green Lantern before I picked this up. I hope I have some idea what’s going on.
TGH: They seem to be distancing Guy from the Green Lantern Corps as much as possible, so I really appreciate the constant attempt to make us keep reading Green Lantern comics.
QP: Hey, they’re not printing all these holofoil covers for charity, buddy.
TGH: Our story starts with Guy sitting around reading the paper, while General Glory patches up the hole he made when he punched Guy through it a few issues ago. “How is the repairs coming?” Guy asks, using the English language to its fullest.
QP: I mean, I suppose that’s fair that Guy’s not helping, but he should consider that maybe there wouldn’t even be a hole if his face wasn’t just so punchable.
TGH: Does General Glory own that place? Shouldn’t his landlord be handling those repairs, even if Glory had to pay for it? Surely his deposit would cover ripping a hole in the side of the building.
QP: I don’t know, that’s a good question. You’d think if you were any kind of superhero, even retired, there’d be some additional renter’s insurance required for this kind of thing.
TGH: There has got to be some kind of completely different insurance situation in general in these kinds of universes. Nobody ever talks about that. Is he going to repair all the other buildings he ruined last week too?
QP: The city probably already bulldozed those to put in luxury condos.
TGH: General Glory was probably feeling pretty good about the progress he was making, which is why Guy’s ring suddenly flares up and explodes the whole side of the building.
QP: Poor General Glory just can’t win for losing. Guy’s ring shows him a big green flare of…I guess Hal Jordan murdering everyone. If only I’d read all 20 Emerald Twilight tie-in comics!
TGH: I’m not sure why Sinestro’s ring would even give a shit about that, or when that became a thing that rings even did, but here we are.
QP: As we’ve learned through 18 issues of bullshit, power rings have whatever powers the writers need them to have at any given moment, so psychic energy projections are probably in there somewhere.
TGH: Meanwhile in some other time and place, Militia is not happy.
QP: I’m really beginning to suspect that we’ve got a 3-year-old inside that robosuit. He just keeps having temper tantrums.
TGH: I feel like nobody on this book went back and read his first appearance, because he used to at least act like a professional who respected his client, and now he just destroys all their shit and screams at them in every issue. He hasn’t been in this book for very long, either. It wouldn’t take very long to just, you know, look two issues back.
QP: His employers admonish him because, as much as he wants to scream at them and smash things, he’s the reason the mission failed.
TGH: This is the 90’s so every conceivable advanced technology still couldn’t bypass the interference that a tunnel presents.
QP: This shadowy secret agency has apparently perfected wireless power transfer. Wouldn’t that be far more useful for improving life on Earth than, say, dropping over-armored douchebags onto drug offices? Since they claim that improving things is their raison d’etre.
TGH: I’m surprised DC isn’t suing everyone developing those wireless changing stations.
QP: Considering how tech patents work, they do have a good argument there. “No, I totally imagined this first.”
TGH: “I had that freakin’ Guy Gardner by the short hairs and my power went down!” You left out the part where you could’ve just walked over and punched him, but then a truck hit you like you were Wile E. Coyote.
QP: Apparently his temper tantrums can overload the circuits in his suit, which seems like maybe they should force this guy to do yoga after a mission. Calm down, son.
TGH: Nobody stole DC’s idea to create emotion-based energy.
QP: Militia really seems more like a liability for his employers at this point. All he does is scream, fail missions, and smash equipment.
TGH: Then he tries to kill a bunch of his employer’s henchmen too. Come on, the cost of life insurance and technology he is ruining has to be more than he’s worth at this point.
QP: And then we learn that his secretary has a kill switch, I guess, for his suit. WHY is he freaking out when he knows these guys can just turn his suit off at any time they want?
TGH: Why did they even wait that long?
QP: Like, the second he picked up the large piece of equipment, just turn his suit off.
TGH: They should’ve brought him in turned off already, since I’m sure they found him frothing and cursing. He just lays there whining like a kid. This is not a very good organization.
QP: “Mooooom, let me out of the corner, I won’t cause millions of dollars in damages anymoooore.”
TGH: “All I wanted was to kill Guy Gardner and collect my $200 bounty, which is why I now owe you $50 million in damages.” Maybe the reality is that he’s really only working for them to pay off his constant debt.
QP: Very likely.
TGH: When he said he was going to take a vacation, he was just being sarcastic.
QP: Taking a vacation to their work camp, more likely. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Guy is being an asshole to Beetle again.
TGH: Guy complains to Beetle about his ring. Beetle tells him that there are pills for that now.
QP: Yeah, Guy gets very defensive when he’s told his ring might work right if he thought about it less. Maybe we’re getting some psychological background on our main character here.
TGH: Beetle offers to take his ring to do some tests, but Guy gets mad and leaves. As always, I’m not sure what he was doing there in the first place.
QP: Yeah, there’s not really a whole lot Beetle can do with the ring still on him.
TGH: “My ring doesn’t work.”
“Hey, there’s a tiny switch right here!”
This is clearly what Guy thought was going to happen.
QP: Either that or that Beetle just had the instruction manual somewhere in his lab.
TGH: ALSO, Guy knows why it doesn’t work. It’s out of power like the other 30 times. He also knows how to recharge it. So again, why is he there?
QP: And you can’t get a recharge because I guess all the Green Lanterns are dead now. But hey, take it out on Beetle.
TGH: Guy walks the streets of New York, mumbling to himself and ignoring a car theft. A theft that’s being done with a ten-foot pole because the artist knew a guy who knew a guy who broke into a car once.
QP: Fortunately, a gang of vaguely Asian thugs is holding a shopkeeper’s wife at knifepoint, and Guy is all about stopping that kind of crime.
TGH: Guy gets into a fight with the assailants, and suddenly the shopkeeper breaks out a machine gun and just tries to murder all of them. For the record, the shopkeeper almost kills Guy better than Militia almost killed Guy.
QP: And Guy seems somehow resentful of the shopkeeper for defending himself.
TGH: “How does anyone live in this town?” Guy asks the question that the average citizen asks every time Guy or someone else gets hurled through their wall.
QP: Guy is basically setting up the prequel to Watchmen.
TGH: After his run-in with the deadly assassin Asian Shopkeeper, Guy returns to Beetle and demands superpowers.
QP: Before stealing his sandwich, enjoying it, and then nearly vomiting when he finds out the contents.
TGH: Such a class act.
QP: I dunno, that sounds like a pretty tasty sandwich.
TGH: Seriously, I’d eat the hell out of that.
QP: Just needs a little hummus. Om nom. Guy is that kid in elementary school that beat you up for your lunch money and then got pissed that you were only on reduced lunch.
TGH: Meanwhile, above the planet, a ship is about to explode apropos of nothing. Nobody picking that up at all? JLA? Watchtower? Anyone?
QP: Ain’t nobody got time for exploding spaceships. It appears to be piloted by our Cajun lizard buddy from the Draal prison ship.
TGH: Little lizard guy goes ahead and gives us a ton of information about the Green Lanterns and a bunch of issues that we need to read. Just yelling it out loud to nobody.
QP: And then dies heroically. Wait, no he doesn’t.
TGH: He just burns up on reentry. And that is literally his entire point of being in this comic. Just for us and the DC sales department. Farewell, little lizard man. You died as you lived. On fire, screaming about back issues.
QP: I hope the next four issues just have tie in’s like this. Cut away to some action that has absolutely nothing to do with anything for a page.
TGH: *Meanwhile, Graf is on his knees about to be executed.*
“READ GREEN LANTERN 51-55!”
QP: The best part is the last panel showing lizard guy dying in a fireball over New York, with a speech bubble from Guy not knowing or giving a shit.
TGH: I was hoping his little burned skull would come crashing through the window or something, but no.
QP: Instead, we just get Guy in a technomonstrosity suit.
TGH: How long does it take to even get into that thing?
QP: I don’t know. I can’t imagine he’s got neat setup like the Iron Man movies or anything. Or rather, I’m choosing to believe that Beetle’s got one, but he’s not gonna tell Guy about it.
TGH: Also, while it does add a second color, maybe having all that machinery exposed is not a great idea.
QP: Does kinda seem to defeat the purpose of an exosuit.
TGH: It turns out that this costume is a prototype of Booster’s outfit, so for those keeping score at home, Guy Gardner at his best right now is just a worse Booster Gold.
QP: I love the fact that Beetle is smirking about putting Guy in a busted suit of Booster’s. Everything about this feels like him getting back at Guy in all the tiniest little ways possible.
TGH: Beetle sends a battle drone after Guy before even explaining how the suit works. I bet that was cathartic.
QP: It is the only shining moment in this issue.
TGH: Guy probably took two hours to put that thing on and had zero questions. That’s his own damn fault.
QP: You know he probably got a full explanation of how to use it that he zoned out through, too.
TGH: Guy looks down and realizes that all of the buttons are right on his hand, which I guess he didn’t look at until now. Every time he grabs someone the suit goes apeshit.
QP: And then, predictably, he starts mashing the buttons before finding out exactly how they work.
TGH: He puts on the force field and just lets himself get shot, which hurts just like letting someone shoot you while wearing a bulletproof vest would.
QP: Seriously. It’s obviously not gonna work like it would with the ring, where he’s got a bubble around him.
TGH: After crying about being hurt, Guy stops trying to take advantage of anything and just rips the drone apart. No more caring about what this suit does.
QP: Guy wants reassurance that he’s got “the strength of 20 men”, and then uses that as an opportunity to talk shit about the guy who has graciously just fitted you with a suit of technoarmor. If you’re Beetle, at what point in this do you just throw your hands up and hit him with an EMP?
TGH: “Does this suit do anything else? It flies, right? Eh, fuck it, I’m leaving.”
“Whatever you do, don’t let the servos-”
“FUCK YOU BYE”
QP: What. A. Douche.
TGH: I hope the first thing he does is set the servos on fire.
QP: Wonder Woman is waiting outside the lab to talk to him. She is still being drawn like someone with a chromosomal disorder.
TGH: Wonder Woman, embodiment of strong women that she is, tells Guy where to find Ice, who is purposely hiding from him because she no longer wants to be harassed by him. Then she encourages him to try to force his way back into her life.
QP: I am pretty sure that is not the message Ice wanted her to give Guy.
TGH: Wonder Woman takes Guy’s hand, causing his force field to activate and missiles to fire everywhere.
QP: Thank God she grabbed the hand that wasn’t covered in spikes.
TGH: Three weeks later, and Militia is still on the ground, crying.
QP: He is giving his secretary every Abusive Boyfriend line in the book to get her to turn his suit back on. Fortunately, she appears to be having none of it.
TGH: I feel like those panels belonged with the others earlier, but then they realized that there was not a good enough Militia distribution in this issue. There would’ve been complaints.
QP: Evil secretary is the strongest female character in the DC universe.
TGH: Since Sally vanished I suppose she is.
QP: Alas. Pouring one out for Sally.
TGH: Guy arrives in…ice world. Wherever Tora lives.
QP: Somewhere with a bunch of adorable seals.
TGH: I guess his suit doesn’t fly. He really is worse than Booster Gold.
QP: What is the point of having one of those stupid suits if it doesn’t even fly a little bit. Don’t walk anywhere near a pool in case you fall in and sink to the bottom and can’t jet your way out.
TGH: Or really near the edge of anything, because you’ll probably fall. Or in mud, or soft grass.
QP: Yeah. Stay on street level, always.
TGH: Guy gets out of his ship and gets yelled at for scaring the seals.
QP: Also for showing up at all.
TGH: Guy, in his Mr. Banana Grabber costume, holds his tongue for the first time ever.
QP: I’d call that progress except if he really cared maaaaaybe he would’ve respected her wishes and not come out there in the first place.
TGH: He wouldn’t even know about it if Wonder Woman hadn’t sought him out and told him to do it.
QP: Good job, Wonder Woman. Maybe you’re actually not such a good leader, after all.
TGH: I feel like the first thing Ice should’ve said is “what the hell are you wearing?”
QP: Oooh excellent point.
TGH: “You look like a character from Camelot 3500 A.D. or something.”
QP: He really does look like some kinda jet airplane transformer. Like, the off-model generic one your uncle got you from the gas station. Except, oh wait, he can’t fly.
TGH: I still expect Mega Man to show up and finish him off. Get equipped with Lame Costume.
QP: Mega Man doesn’t need his douchebag powers to complete the next level.
TGH: Anyway, Guy starts using HIS usual Abusive Husband lines to lower Ice’s defenses, and of course it’s working.
QP: This issue is all about domestic abuse awareness.
TGH: Is there a message here that Militia’s lady doesn’t put up with his bullshit and they’re evil, yet Guy’s lady does and they’re good?
QP: I think you’re giving the writer waaaaaay too much credit.
TGH: I think I’m just reading their subconscious thoughts put on paper. I have no doubt that they didn’t do it on purpose.
QP: Fair enough. Any subtlety you find in this comic is likely accidental anyway.
TGH: If Wonder Woman isn’t going to do anything about this, I guess Militia is our last hope. Layers upon layers here.
QP: Somehow Militia got on a submarine underneath them. It seems like a terrible idea to put someone who tends to throw things as hard as possible through the nearest wall on a submarine. But hey, maybe that’s just me.
TGH: Hopefully Militia was still turned off when they fired his limp body out of the sub, then they turned him on when he was clear.
QP: It really seems like the only way to be sure he won’t sink them.
TGH: Ice is hurt, but most importantly, we get a great shot of an injured woman’s breasts.
QP: Sexy, even in unconsciousness! It’s very important.
TGH: Militia taunts Guy, because Guy didn’t see him crying for the entire issue like the rest of us.
QP: How does he even recognize Guy in that outfit?
TGH: Nobody brings up the outfit. It’s like they were all reading along with us.
QP: Everyone just accepts that Guy was gonna end up in a ridiculous exosuit at some point. I mean I feel like if Ice just told him she couldn’t date someone who would ever dress like that, he’d have to concede she was right, and leave her alone forever.
TGH: The writers don’t have time for this shit. Guy and Ice have a fight about their relationship; she doesn’t need to care about the costume. Militia is going to fight Guy; he doesn’t need to care about the costume. Even Wonder Woman is handed a throwaway line before directing Guy to the next scene. “Hey Wonder Babe, I have a new suit.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever, here’s where Ice is.”
QP: Thank God we spent the entire issue caring about the costume, since nobody has to care about this stupid, stupid suit but us.
TGH: Now that Militia has been fired out of a sub after his employers pinned him to the floor and did all the work for him, it’s time for another battle! Will Guy and his new suit be up to the task? Will LITERALLY ANYONE bring up the suit? Tune in next week!
QP: And don’t forget to read all 90 tie-in issues of Emerald Twilight before then! There will be a quiz!
TGH: Mail time!
QP: Libby Singleton rewrites Hey Hey We’re The Monkees to be about Guy. It is awful.
TGH: There is plenty of Green Lantern bashing in this mail section. I think people in general are tired of the mandatory tie-ins too.
QP: Yeah, I can’t blame them. And yet, people keep buying them. It’s just gonna get worse.
TGH: They haven’t even gotten as far as we have. They’re not going to be happy. I like that Guy’s general response is just “hey, we’re murdering all of them, so yay!”
QP: Such a hero.
TGH: Some more inspired casting choices for the Guy Gardner movie. Christian Slater, David Caruso and Charlie Sheen. Jesus.
QP: Charlie Sheen makes a lot of sense when you think about his career trajectory.
TGH: “Fuck the Screen Actor’s Guild! Charlie Sheen works with no one!” Coming soon: Charlie Sheen #1.
QP: Also picturing Charlie Sheen in that metal monstrosity is making me giggle.
TGH: So much hate on Mace in general for smoking weed, the deadliest of all drugs.
QP: I want to get a time machine and drop these letter writers in the middle of Denver right now and watch their faces melt.
TGH: Denver, CO: City of Scumbags.
TGH: I guess they didn’t finish next month’s cover in time for us to laugh at it today.
QP: Oh darn.
TGH: Guy’s ring turns back on though, so I guess we’ll be in that phase for a bit. Until it’s off again. Repeat forever.
QP: And Guy will never get rid of it until it kills him. Ever.
90’s Ad Showcase:
QP: Azbats! Yay! I care about Azbats! This is my caring face.
TGH: Man, this thing has been going on almost as long as this series has run.
QP: I wish Batman would just go fix his spine already. Or maybe that’s happened. I don’t know. I’ve avoided this storyline forever. Not gonna start knowing stuff about it now.
TGH: I have no idea. Surely Batman would have stopped this by now. Or one of his 50 sidekicks. Or Superman. Or anyone for God’s sake. The entire DC universe doesn’t care about him.
QP: I don’t think I ever noticed he had Wolverine claws built into his suit.
TGH: How does he hold things or use doors? Pretty much the same questions I have for all of these damn costumes.
QP: Does he also have lasers coming off of his arms?
TGH: Laser pointers for ruining speeches or playing with cats.
QP: Maybe he was hoping it would get him an in with Catwoman. “Look, Selena, look! What is that, a bug? Maybe it’s a bug carrying a diamond!”
TGH: I don’t see that his arms fire anything, so that must be it. He literally cannot access those pouches, you fucking idiots.
QP: Looks like the Flash is also getting to fight some 90s monstrosities. I’m so glad they never 90s-ized the Flash’s costume. You know, at least until Nu52.
TGH: Such a catchy tagline. The FIGHT for….possessionofthedeadliestweaponintheuniverse.
QP: Which is….? If you don’t tell me, I’m not going to pick it up, DC.
TGH: You have to buy it to find out!
QP: Is it Azbats’ arm lasers? It is, isn’t it?
TGH: Anytime I see the Flash in a normal fight I call bullshit. No way he gets caught off guard and tossed out a window.
QP: Seriously. He should’ve just stepped out of the way at light speed and let that shoulder padded doofus take the fall.
TGH: That guy’s face should be a pile of mush before he even knew the Flash was there.
QP: I wonder what the Flash’s upper body strength is like. Maybe he’s got a noodly punch or something. So he hits you a million times a second but it’s like getting smacked by a kitten.
TGH: The Flash just swung at the guy and missed. If that guy’s power is not also super speed then this was not thought out. Ok, I think all of the Darkstars have some sort of advanced speed, though we’d need to run some tests to see how they match up.
QP: Wally is like the fastest thing ever in the DC Universe so I call shenanigans.
TGH: I think it’s like Superman where they just have to make him stupid in order to have any conflict.
TGH: The Huntress/Robin team-up is an Escher drawing of perspective.
QP: No, see, they were fired from a cannon through a window into that room.
TGH: Did every cover this month involve crashing in or out of a window?
QP: It was a theme, they just forgot to advertise it. Collectible window-crashing covers.
TGH: The Glassman Cometh, a six-month DC event!
QP: Lobo is the window crashing combo breaker in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly. P.S. buy Green Lantern Comics!
TGH: Green Lantern Corps Quarterly is just like “fuck this Emerald crap, here’s Lobo punching a dude.”
QP: “We put a lantern on his jacket so you’d care.”
TGH: His fist kind of vanishes behind the WOOMPA, but whatever.
QP: The other guy’s fist is obscured by the BANG, so maybe this artist had a Liefeld-esque problem with fists.
TGH: At least there’s no glass.
QP: This cover is just a cluster.
TGH: I like the idea of someone submitting that art and the editor just pasting sound effects over the crappy parts.
QP: That might explain all the pouches, too. And the massive guns. Maybe all the horrible things about 90s comics art were actually just covering up more horrible art.
TGH: The drawing was originally zoomed out, but everything past Lobo’s shoulder was pretty awful.
QP: I think we’re onto something here.
TGH: Next cover: Lobo’s eye.
TGH: Under a Yellow Sun, in which Clark Kent writes the world’s biggest self-insertion fanfic ever.
QP: I have no idea what’s going on in this ad.
TGH: Clark Kent writes a spy novel starring Superman? Maybe? Superman, who is so handsome and smart. Is there seriously nothing else you could be doing right now?
QP: Definitely not saving the world.
TGH: We get it, Superman. Superman is great.
QP: I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be Lex Luthor or Telly Savalas.
TGH: He’s sitting there, hand on his chin. “Hmm, how many ‘really’s should I put before sexy?”
QP: “And then Clois Clane professes her undying love to the super sexy Blark Bent, and they get married and have lots of sexy time.”
TGH: He had to proofread it hundreds of times to take all of the accidental “I”s out if it.
QP: But forgets to edit the part where he basically tells everyone he’s Superman.
TGH: Under a Yellow Sun. By Clark Kent, Who Is Superman. “Damn it!”
QP: Fortunately, his manuscript is returned unread by every publisher in Metropolis.
QP: Another ad for a comic starring the Flash. Except this is Waid/Wieringo Flash, so it’s actually good, and you should pick it up.
TGH: Cops don’t like him.
QP: Well of course not, he makes them look like slow chumps.
TGH: Better kill him!
QP: That’s a good use of ammo. Shoot at the guy that runs faster than bullets.
QP: Militia has very stern words for Guy about his abusive treatment of Ice, and has planned an intervention for him. His secretary has prepared a speech.
TGH: Wonder Woman shows up and throws them in jail before the can talk to Guy.
QP: And then tells Ice she’ll never find anyone else so she may as well just get back with Guy already, geez.
TGH: Ice is miserable forever, but at least Guy owns her. As is his right.
QP: But he’s still dressed like an idiot, so we can all laugh at him.
TGH: Guy overheats his servos and is permanently fused to the suit.
QP: Ice pushes him into the pool one night after he’s been on a bender.
TGH: Guy drowns a hero.
QP: Ice is convicted for first degree murder and gets life.
TGH: Ice is a goddess and is therefore in jail for all eternity.
QP: Wonder Woman nods at her sentencing, believing it to be good and correct.
TGH: Guy’s ghost tries to win her back forever, at Wonder’s Woman’s insistence.
QP: Lifetime buys the film rights to the comic, makes millions.
TGH: The End.