TGH: Welcome to a very special installment of Guy Gardner! We’ve been through a lot together up to this point, but nothing can prepare us for the 1st Scorchin’ Issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior! I for one can’t even handle the costume, and we haven’t even opened the book yet! Also I’m just going to pretend that his widow’s peak goes the whole way to his nose.
QP: It’s basically Guy’s old costume, except with spikes! And chaps!
TGH: And a W shirt he picked up at the Alphabet Store.
QP: Guy, you went to Michigan, not Wisconsin.
TGH: Oh man, it’s totally just a Wolverines shirt.
QP: Why not just start wearing a Bucky the Badger shirt, Guy? Bucky is so cute and adorable. With his widdle turtleneck and his widdle flat head.
DN: I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.
TGH: She’s gone down the mascot rabbit hole.
QP: Wisconsin’s mascot is adorable.
TGH: Unlike Guy and his overcompensation outfit.
QP: Meanwhile, inside the actual comic, Guy has aged 20 years!
TGH: Guy, who has become an old man due to a gypsy curse, is on his way to kill his dad. That’s some fine opening art there. Really setting a bar.
DN: I mean, at least we know what we’re getting into.
QP: Honestly, this page wouldn’t even be so bad if A) it wasn’t drab as all get out and B) there weren’t so many damned lines on his face.
TGH: I’m a crap artist, but I at least know that too many lines on a face makes you look old. Just like in real life, guys!
QP: Yeah, that’s one of the things those many Everything Wrong with Rob Liefeld’s Art articles always point out. Do. Not. Shade. With. Hatch. Lines.
TGH: I’m already missing Staton.
QP: Yeah, it just gets worse from here.
TGH: Instead of hatch lines, I suppose you could shade by drawing a thick shade line down the middle of his body like on the next page.
TGH: But then not shade his shirt at all because effort.
QP: His shirt is…reverse shaded?
TGH: In fairness, maybe his entire body just has a crease.
QP: Seems likely.
TGH: His mom opens the door in the next panel and Guy starts vibrating uncontrollably.
QP: Turns out everything is drab because Guy has returned to the industrial wastelands of Baltimore.
TGH: Guy’s mom makes him some eggs immediately, instead of talking to him for the first time in however many years.
QP: Guy wants to talk to his dad, only to discover that his dad died shortly after he left. This is a fucked up homecoming.
DN: For real. Like, wouldn’t she have called?
QP: Over the last handful of issues, I’ve gotten the impression that this family just doesn’t give a shit.
TGH: Yeah, really. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s literally the same thing she was wearing when he left, so I could see using the phone as a little too much work.
QP: She was definitely wearing something bathrobey.
DN: So we go from fucked up homecomings to Killitia pounding on tables.
QP: His employers can’t find Guy, which means they clearly don’t know to follow the trail of destroyed property.
TGH: Militia goes from badass to petulant little rage baby in this issue.
DN: And being really dickish to the people who pay him and supply him with comically large guns.
TGH: He gets in an argument with the employers he likes so much about how they promised him Gardner and wah wah.
QP: ‘Roids will do that to you.
TGH: Their retort is just that they’ve pretty much made him, so fuck him.
QP: Pretty much the response you should have when dealing with a colicky baby.
TGH: If they’re spending so much money making him who he is, then isn’t he himself kind of irrelevant? Like if he’s too much of a shit, they could just ‘roid some other idiot up. He should maybe check his privilege.
QP: Seriously. If they’re letting you know how much they spent on you, its to let you know that you better be a good return on investment. Whining because they haven’t found Guy in five minutes is not gonna help you there.
TGH: DC is making this guy way less likable now that we know he’s pretty much nothing without free weapons and tech.
QP: Well thank God he’s an unlikeable villain and not one of their unlikeable heroes.
TGH: Speaking of which, Guy is moping in his room about his memories.
QP: He either does or doesn’t have good memories of his house, which may or may not have something to do with the Draal.
TGH: He gets a little philosophical about probably having repressed good memories that the Draal were unable to pick up, which is at least kind of interesting to think about.
QP: You’d think if he was gonna repress some memories, it’d be all the getting-beat-over-orange-juice type stuff. But to each their own, I suppose.
TGH: I guess it’s one of those deals where you remember the bad times better than the good until it seems like everything was bad.
QP: This is roughly the most philosophical thing that will happen in a Guy Gardner book.
TGH: Anyway, the artist was out sick one day, but he did start a page with Guy and his mom watching TV. Somehow they were able to get back on schedule.
QP: Yeah, wow, I didn’t even notice that the first time through.
DN: Guy’s mom is fairly unimpressed with guys chosen career path.
TGH: She does try to hit him up for money though, which isn’t going to make this relationship better any time soon.
TGH: The lights come on and Guy decides to go fly around for a bit. I kind of like his admission that he doesn’t know if he’s coming back, because really, why would he need to?
DN: And then we go back to Militia gearing up to take Guy out.
TGH: His secretary is wearing a mask this time, probably because the artist wasn’t really in a face mood that day. Also gotta love the pro artist move of having a suit that magically forms around the entire breast.
QP: Also the fact that she basically doesn’t have a ribcage. Her measurements are, like, 40-12-46. With thighs like tree trunks. Get your proportions in order, artists!
DN: 90’s artists: “No! You can’t make us!”
QP: *fingers in ears* “Lalalala women have no spiiiiiiines.”
DN: He asks his secretary for the “big gun”. Jeez.
TGH: That gun looks no larger than every gun we’ve seen so far. That’s the problem with drawing everything in the extreme. You can’t make it more extreme when you need to. Militia is such a memorable character, with such catch phrases as “Hear that Gardner? That’s the warning bell. Three minutes left in your life, Gardner.” Not to Gardner though. Or in response to a bell.
QP: That is such a bad Bond villain thing to say. Though in fairness, a Bond villain would at least say it to Bond.
TGH: “See that, Gardner *points to gun*? It’s the doom train, here to take your soul to the great beyond. Choo choo!” *Is actually talking to a tree*
QP: In the meantime, Guy has flown from Baltimore to Washington, DC, presumably because the artist didn’t know any landmarks in Baltimore to draw.
DN: I can’t really think of any either.
TGH: Militia somehow knows that as he comes crashing down into the Reflecting Pool, but luckily at a speed that keeps it intact and only splashes some water.
QP: That’s a pretty big splash. I don’t think the Reflecting Pool is that deep.
TGH: Yeah, it’s 2 1/2′ deep in the center. So not very.
QP: Based on the next page he appears to have also caught it on fire.
TGH: “Guy Gardner…It’s the reaper man!” he yells. Guy’s just like “What the fuck?”
QP: So edgy it’s goddamn laughable.
DN: Guy actually tries to protect civilians!
QP: Guy heroes!
TGH: Good for Guy actually protecting everyone while dipshit opens fire.
QP: Yeah, and for once he actually realizes that there’s a chance for property damage.
TGH: Guy takes him away from the crowd and gets mocked by Killitia. Who, if we recall, thinks he’s fighting for the common good.
QP: Killitia will take out Guy Gardner, even if it means he’s the last person alive in DC to see it.
TGH: Guy gets hit pretty bad, since “gun bunnies” usually can’t fight.
QP: So Guy turns himself into a human-sized bullet.
DN: “How’d you like that caliber?” Guy, no.
TGH: To fight bad lines, he must become bad lines.
QP: And then, then, the single worst drawing of Guy Gardner known to mankind.
QP: Why has Guy suddenly turned into the Baba Yaga?
TGH: Hag Gardner uses his ring to kamehameha Militia.
QP: Guy shoots a massive cannon volley of ring power at Killitia, and for some reason it ricochets?
TGH: Gun Bunny gives him shit for having no regard for human life, which is sloppy as shit considering what we just saw him do two pages ago.
QP: Seriously. Straighten out your narrative, Killitia
TGH: Guy regrets firing his press agent, which is a reference I never expected to see again.
QP: Meanwhile, back at JLA headquarters, a bunch of old women dressed in superhero costumes talk about relationships. WHY IS THIS HERE?
TGH: Dear God, if you can’t draw young people then please don’t.
QP: Who the hell thought this was a good way to break up the action?
DN: Because when Ice dumps him the editor can reference this very page.
QP: Everyone’s eyes are about to migrate to the center of their nose.
TGH: Three panels of really bad art and then back to it. They all look miserable. What an exciting moment captured on paper.
QP: But at least Ice is maybe gonna dump Guy for real this time so I guess yay?
TGH: Back in Baltimore/DC, Guy is trying to get away from Militia.
QP: So he flies down I-95, which, if you’re trying to avoid civilian casualties in DC, seems like the WORST idea.
TGH: “He doesn’t seem willing to fire at bystanders.” Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? Militia saying it kind of made sense, since he’s a crazy asshole, but what the hell is Guy’s excuse? He made a shield to protect bystanders from being shot just pages ago. The artist and writer were both there.
QP: Plot-based amnesia, I guess.
DN: Happens a lot in this title.
DN: Of course, the ring chooses this moment to crap out.
TGH: Guy’s ring proves useless as always, and Guy somehow does not die immediately after bouncing off of three moving cars and landing in front of the third car.
DN: Right? How does he not break all of his bones?
QP: I feel like it’s pretty safe to say that Guy has to have some kind of secondary mutation at this point. (His primary mutation is a glass jaw, of course.)
TGH: Guy stands right up and runs for the nearest tunnel, assuming the plot is going to take care of itself any minute now.
DN: “I hate shooting creeps in the back, Gardner.” Bullshit.
QP: Fortunately, Killitia’s jet pack feels some empathy, and konks out too. And I guess explodes?
TGH: In a way that does not affect Guy, who is pretty much standing in it.
QP: Guy asks him if he lost power like the dude was not just about to blow him to hell. “Oh man, I know that feel.” WTF.
TGH: Militia, who was such a badass that it took six pages to introduce him, gets hit by a truck.
TGH: Guy is not impressed, just like the rest of the world.
QP: Hmm, but what about that fro that’s revealed under Killitia’s torn mask? Where have I seen that before? Probably nowhere, I doubt that’s important.
DN: I’m sure it’s probably nothing. Certainly not foreshadowing.
QP: Of course not. Foreshadowing isn’t badass.
TGH: Later, Guy is hanging out with Blue Beetle for some reason, talking about his new outfit and name. For a second I thought the bottom of Beetle’s chair was part of Guy’s heel and thought that was a pretty fabulous choice.
QP: Guy makes fun of Beetle’s costume, which is hilarious, because that costume is way better than any of Guy’s sartorial choices.
TGH: Guy decides that he’s Warrior now, and Jesus that costume.
QP: Chaps are never a good idea unless you are riding a bull or fronting Van Halen.
DN: Let’s design something with an unprotected crotch.
TGH: I guess he just showed up at the lab and is like “Hey Beetle, check out my costume. I’m Warrior!” Why in the hell is he there? He also cut his hair, which is frankly the most disappointing part.
QP: Does he have an apartment anymore? That may be the only place he has any clothes left.
TGH: Maybe they’re not even his clothes. They may have just been in the JLA lost and found.
QP: Now he just looks like generic 90’s biker guy.
TGH: “Hey, someone lost a W shirt AND W gloves. Warrior it is then!”
QP: It was either that or Wonder Man. Or if you look at the two Ws on his gloves as being M’s, Mister Wonder Man. I think we’ve got something here.
TGH: So I guess the origin of Guy Gardner: Warrior is just that Guy decided right then and there that he’s Guy Gardner: Warrior. Seems legit.
DN: Sounds fine to me.
QP: Apparently he’s getting armored and dangerous next issue, because he doesn’t already have a magic ring to protect him.
TGH: Not one that works worth a damn anyway.
TGH: I guess that’s why he’s at Beetle’s lab: because this terrible outfit is far from over!
TGH: Will Guy Gardner (:Warrior) come up with an even worse outfit than he just did? Is that even humanly possible? Find out next week!
QP: (Spoilers: the answer is yes.)
TGH: There are not a ton of items of note this time in the letter section.
QP: Not really, no.
TGH: One lady does offer to adopt Guy, which is not at all creepy.
TGH: Also there is an in-depth discussion of the naked Hal and Guy clones, so yeah. Luckily Charles Brown didn’t get a letter in this month, so maybe he’s off harassing another editor.
QP: Assuming Charles Brown ever really existed and wasn’t just a manifestation of the editors’ hatred of themselves and their book.
TGH: That seems like a likely scenario.
QP: The next issue box promises us more of Guy’s ring shitting the bed, and him trying to patch things up with Ice and…oh my dear lord is that his next costume?
TGH: He looks like a Mega Man boss. Guy Man.
DN: Good lord.
QP: What in the actual fuck? That’s just a shiny metal nightmare. That cannot be real.
TGH: I hope he doesn’t have to go through any doors ever. Or pick something up.
QP: Or pee.
TGH: It powers the suit.
90’s Ad Showcase:
TGH: From the makers of Mario is Missing, it’s Mario’s Boring Time Machine.
QP: Bill Shakespeare. Kids can’t even unless you call him Bill.
TGH: If there’s anyone I’d want to fuck with the timeline, it’s Mario from his weird-ass dimension. That would be a great game if Mario just kept introducing shit in the past that made our present more Mario-like.
QP: The airplane never gets invented because everyone figures out they can fly if they just wear a racoon skin.
TGH: Mario somehow fucks with Newton’s discovery so people can jump really high. Mario leaves a piranha plant behind and London is completely ruined forever.
QP: Turtles spontaneously evolve wings.
TGH: Look at that maniacal smile. You know he wants to. But no, probably just regurgitating facts.
QP: Hey, it says right there that it’s fun AND you can learn about history! So clearly that must be true.
TGH: One of those is true.
DN: Electro Brain returns. They got the coveted rights to Asterix. That game can’t have sold well.
TGH: I wonder how many systems that game actually came out on versus what that ad says.
QP: NES, SNES, Game Boy and Sega Master System.
TGH: One more system than they estimated. Not too shabby.
QP: Oh wait, cancelled in North America, nevermind.
DN: Oh, well there you go.
QP: Wikipedia has no information about how well it did, because it didn’t come out in America, so who cares?
TGH: Nice job blowing your advertising budget in the American comic then, idiots.
QP: Well it is a French comic series. American kids would’ve hated it on principal.
TGH: I don’t think Electro Brain knows how to business.
QP: Skybox continues to cater to the goth market with some Sandman trading cards.
TGH: Probably worth something, if only because probably nobody ever bought them.
QP: Actually kinda yeah, there’s a foil Morpheus card going for ten bucks on eBay.
TGH: I’m sure they’re very pretty though.
DN: Cliffhanger has a video game. Probably terrible.
QP: The ad is pretty terrible.
TGH: I don’t get the tone of this ad at all. Like, there’s a joke about people hitting his jeep, which is dumb, but okay. But what the hell does “sure, it’s just a game” even mean?
QP: Was that the tagline for the movie?
TGH: Gamepro raves, “Cliffhanger could send gamers over the edge,” which could really mean anything, good or bad. EGM declares, “(If you’re looking for) Non-stop, pulse-pounding adventure that won’t give you a break(, you’d better look elsewhere).”
QP: Look, you guys, it’s finally time for Hal Jordan Blows Up The DC Universe.
TGH: Hal Jordan, the best hero ever, becomes a dick for no reason. I guess money is a reason.
QP: Hal Jordan continues to be the universe’s biggest dick, for no reason.
DN: No, this is Hal killing all the Green Lanterns. We have a while before Zero Hour.
TGH: I bet he didn’t even let Pieface tag along.
DN: He did not.
TGH: What a dick.
QP: Pieface would probably have talked him out of intergalactic genocide.
DN: Pieface and Carol Ferris were conveniently not in Coast City when it done blowed up.
TGH: Pieface comes running out of the house with his bag of racist disguises, only to see Hal flying off into the horizon without him.
QP: A single tear rolls down his cheek.
DN: And T2 has a video game. By Acclaim so its probably better than all of those Electro Brain titles.
QP: How is there another effing Terminator game? There’s been a different Terminator game in almost every issue so far.
TGH: Seriously. How in the hell do they keep churning these out? Best background image so far though.
QP: Melting Robert Patrick is so metal.
TGH: Next time, Militia tries to sneak up on Guy by pretending to be a nanny for the neighbor’s kids. Tune in next week for Mrs. Gunfire.
QP: Well I don’t think I can top that.
DN: Me neither.