Guy Gardner Reborn (Part 3 of 3)


DN: The thrilling finale!

QP: “Thrilling.”

TGH: For those who thought that the last issue had too much going on, you’re actually still in luck!

QP: I feel bad for those people.

TGH: When we last left our “hero” he had accidentally led the entire Qwardian army to Oa by giving them Oa’s coordinates and not thinking about what that meant at all.


DN: The Qwardian leader guy is is how I want my own facial hair to look now. That includes the eyebrows.


QP: Very Mephistopheles.

TGH: That dude is super pleased with himself. Probably because everything he ever wanted fell into his lap thanks to the good guys. Guy’s only solution is to try to punch every single person from Qward one at a time.

QP: If only he’d learned how to use some of those guns back in volume one.

TGH: Lobo is already bored on page 2. I’ve got bad news for you, buddy.


QP: Well, the giant floating head of Oz shows up. That’s gotta be a change of pace.

DN: Yeah, finally colors that aren’t orange and yellow forever.

TGH: Oa head yells at everyone to go home, except Chief Weaponer isn’t buying that shit, so they fire anti-Oan weapons at it, which is frankly as brilliant as it is improbable.


QP: Somehow the Qwardians have the power to blast a hologram and blow up the Guardian’s control tower.

TGH: Maybe the Guardians should’ve used normal Earth holograms instead of vitality-linking idiot holograms.

DN: It seems to me like anti-Oan should just be like a “fuck the guardians” t-shirt, rather than something coming out of a giant gun.

TGH: They’re probably just guns, which are anti-whatever-you’re-shooting.

QP: Anti-maguffin.


QP: Guy sees this as a perfect opportunity to distract Lobo and sneak off to find the ring. Except not really, because Lobo is onto that instantly.


TGH: Guy insists that they fight the Qwardians to protect the ring, then says they’re wasting time not getting the ring. Why is he even still alive?


TGH: Luckily Chief Weaponer interrupts his awful lies and gives him a chance to not have to do anything to get away from this situation.


QP: And the deus ex space police show up. Just as Guy is about to get a Qward to the head.


TGH: The Qwardians are shocked that there are Green Lanterns on the Green Lantern planet, which makes me think that maybe some education regarding their actual goals was in order.

DN: Every panel she’s in, Boodikka’s mouth is terrifying.


QP: So I spent most of this book having no idea that was Boodikka. She is drawn COMPLETELY differently now. Like, she was actually butch back then.


TGH: Everyone calls time out for a page so the Chief Weaponer can kill a guy to scare his troops.


QP: “OH NOES HAL JORDAN” Again? Come one, Qward dudes.


TGH: The rest of the GL Corps shows up: Bald Guy, Bird Thing, Black Turtle, Sergeant Eyepatch, Shroom Mage.

QP: The Green Lanterns really would’ve done well as a He-Man style 80s cartoon. So many action figures.

TGH: Guy gets all mad about the GL Corps in front of Lobo.


DN: Next we get an inexplicable Last Supper homage.


QP: Oh my god I didn’t even pick up on that the first read through. It totally is.

TGH: Guy Sees himself as Judas in his own headcanon. This is who we’re rooting for.

QP: I was wondering about that. Totes approps.


TGH: Guy convinces Lobo to look after them while he steals the ring. For Lobo! I guess Lobo’s not supposed to be smart, but come on.


TGH: Guy calls turtle guy to pick him up and turtle immediately knows it’s his fault. Then Guy refuses to talk to anyone until they send him where he wants to go. Red flags!

QP: That’s like, Bad Guy 101. The green lanterns get mad and snitch on Guy to Kilowog.

TGH: Kilowog’s head pops up and he immediately trusts Guy. These people defend the entire universe.


QP: And he doesn’t even say “poozer.”

DN: Well, the only requirement is to be fearless. Really dumb people can be fearless.

QP: Usually the dumber you are, the more fearless anyway.

DN: Any drunk person on the 4th of July could be a Green Lantern.


TGH: Guy sneaks into the abandoned GL quarters. I guess he knows what he’s looking for even though he was off by a planet last time. Guy gives us some sound advice about when to be a dick.


QP: Guy has surprisingly intelligent thoughts about metal bikinis. He’s smarter than most costume designers.

DN: Geek nitpick: their ring makes their uniform when they put it on so why are there dozens of uniforms in the cafeteria?

QP: Those aren’t uniforms, those are sweaters. You can tell by the ribbing on the collar. It’s just laundry day.

TGH: They have to make their own costumes before they earn a ring.


TGH: Guy selflessly leaves the bra behind and heads into the crypts, which are right next to where people live.

QP: The Oans have very lax health codes.


TGH: Meanwhile on the surface, John Stewart shows up and learns about Guy’s involvement and knows that he’s up to something terrible. Maybe he won’t change his mind immediately like everyone else.

QP: That would certainly make him the smartest of the GLs we’ve seen so far. And a page later, back in the crypts, all the dead Green Lanterns are kept in creepy glass coffins like Snow White. What are they gonna do when Mogo dies? No way will he fit in there.


TGH: I’m glad none of them died in particularly gruesome ways. Also, if we’re nitpicking, why are they still wearing will-based uniforms if they’re dead?

QP: The Oans are concentrating really hard on that.

TGH: Maybe the clothes in the quarters were hand-made corpse uniforms

QP: Ew.

TGH: It would be unfair to travel to the afterlife without your giant metal bra.


QP: Guy realizes one tiny little thing he didn’t plan for: opening the magic glass coffins.

TGH: Damn it, if only guy had known exactly what he was dealing with here.

DN: And then John Stewart walks in and figures out Guy’s horrible plan IMMEDIATELY.


QP: Smarter than your average Lantern. Guy is terrible at bullshitting.

TGH: Luckily, Guy still doesn’t have to do anything in this issue, because John gets possessed or something before there are any consequences to this moving sidewalk plot.


QP: Admittedly, my knowledge of GL factoids is not good, but did Sinestro always have mind control or whatever the hell this is powers?

DN: Oh no, this is absolute bullshit. They are making it up as they go.

TGH: I had no idea ghost Sinestro was even a stake in this story until it suddenly was. But then again, neither did the writers probably.

QP: Well there was that line way back in book one about “a flash of red” or something like that. Turns out it wasn’t Wally West after all!


TGH: Johnestro blows the coffin open so guy doesn’t have to think about it anymore. He maybe should’ve killed Guy first but then things wouldn’t be progressing so easily.

QP: And he gets a chunk of glass stuck in his arm for his troubles.

DN: So they both grab the ring and get into a soul battle or something.


QP: And now for the most epic arm wrestling challenge this side of a Sly Stallone movie!

TGH: They just stand there grimacing at each other for two pages.

DN: Guy fights using the power of low self esteem.

QP: That’s the Taupe Lanterns.


TGH: Guy imagines everyone he’s ever known laughing at him, which is the most telling thing I’ve ever seen. Guy, our hero, is actually insane. He’s going to show everyone, damn it!

QP: And now he snaps and burns down the gym with his brain.


TGH: He at least burns a ghost with his brain, which would be cool if this made any sense at all.

QP: Guy’s secondary mutation is fire starting.

TGH: And yet the next time Sinestro is alive he’ll probably still consider Hal Jordan his arch enemy. Never mind that Crazy Guy Gardner destroyed your soul with hate.

QP: That he gets a red Lantern ring later makes perfect sense. He may as well have been barfing up acid blood there.

TGH: So now, our hero has the yellow ring at damn last.


QP: Thank Jeebus.

TGH: Meanwhile, back on the surface yet again, three more pages of Qwardians. Nobody can stop them!


QP: And a Green Lantern that looks like a cootie bug!


DN: With my main man Chief Weaponer making the best faces.


QP: I humbly request that Mark Meer cosplay as Chief Weaponer at Dragoncon next year.

TGH: I can’t tell if Mohawk Epcot Center is unconscious or defiantly refusing to help. *hands on hips* “Nuh-uh, Fuck this.”


QP: Mohawk Epcot Center is regressing to his happy place right now: the monorail.


DN: Guy proceeds to turn the tide of battle with a giant yellow pocket knife and an eagle.

QP: It is a very fancy eagle.

TGH: Yellow! Yellow’s only weakness! Undead yellow hands drag the Qwardians into hell.

QP: And they freak. The hell. Out. Truly Qwardians are a superstitious and cowardly lot.


TGH: Chief Weaponer gets a cork in his mouth, which is better than dying. Lobo, despite figuring it out earlier, figures it out again.

QP: He has a short term memory problem.


TGH: The Qwardians give up because they figure Guy must have beaten Sinestro to get his ring. You know who else beat Sinestro already? OA!


QP: Also Hal Jordan. Lobo confronts Guy about the ring. Predictably, Guy flakes off with it. Unpredictably, we discover that Lobo is a Lannister.


TGH: Should’ve killed him 90 pages ago.


DN: Guy begins to fly off before blonging into a giant green wall.

QP: John makes some threats, forgetting that he really can’t do anything against a yellow power ring.


TGH: John makes a valiant attempt, but he doesn’t know whose book this is. Guy takes action for the first time in the entire book and yellow-bats John back to the Citadel.

QP: And then makes some really dated baseball references.

TGH: One of the Guardians stops to think about what hell has been unleashed on the universe. Too bad he was too frail to stop any of this.


TGH: First order of business, Guy, please ring yourself a complete shirt.


QP: And cowboy boots. And a wrestling belt.

DN: Cowboy boots with fucking G’s on them.

TGH: That is kind of the best outfit. Guy uses his last page to promote his brand new ongoing series!

QP: And his new Rhythm Nation outfit.

TGH: He ends with a spiel that sounds less like a rousing speech than it does a legitimate threat. “Lock the doors and bring in the cat! I’m burning this fucker down!”

DN: Buy Sociopath Dickbag #1 in stands today!

QP: The hero the 90s deserves.

TGH: Well that’s it for this unnecessarily long mini-series. Next time: normal-sized issues!

QP: Hooray!

DN: Thank God.

TGH: And hilarious 90’s ads!

QP: It’s all I could ever hope for.

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