TGH: Welcome back! For anyone worried that the first issue had too much happening in it, I’ve got good news!

QP: God, did it ever have too much going on.

DN: Nope, this time around it’s punching followed by a bit more punching, and roundhoused out by some punching.

TGH: When we last left our hero, he for some reason decided that Lobo was going to help him get Sinestro’s yellow ring from Qward. Step 1: Get the crap kicked out of you for 3 pages.

TGH: Guy finally manages to scream that he wants to hire him. Lobo asks him what he’s going to pay him with, and Guy hadn’t even thought far enough ahead to tell him something, even though he knew that was all he was going to care about.

QP: In fairness the Green Lanterns stand for willpower, not brainpower.

TGH: Guy convinces Lobo to stop beating him up long enough to let him sit down in his kitchen, and tries to buy himself more time for lies.

QP: With space beer.

DN: Apparently Lobo lives on sitcom world, where there is just an open apartment set on the planet’s face.

TGH: Lobo was filmed before a live studio audience.

DN: *Applause*

QP: *laugh track*

DN: He has a nice kitchenette.

TGH: “Outta take him 2 minutes” to get that beer, Guy thinks to himself as Lobo stands seconds away from his beer.

DN: Guy, you mooch. Asking for favors and expecting beer.

QP: Maybe space beer is really hard to open.

DN: Lobo has to decide which fine craft brew is worthy of Guy.

QP: You know, in case it gets released into the vacuum.

DN: So, Miller High Life.

QP: Come on, you know Lobo is a Beast kind of guy.

TGH: Then Lobo tells him to piss off, because he’s not wasting his Bud Light Lime on him. Guy is forced to make up a lie immediately, so he just acts like the ring is Lobo’s payment for attacking Qward. See? Not so hard, Guy.

DN: Which is like basically offering Superman a power ring.

QP: Guy, being a responsible dude, offers to set the homicidal/genocidal maniac on a planet of…homicidal maniacs. Actually, this is probably a win/win for the DC universe.

TGH: Guy gives an example of using the ring for planetary genocide. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

QP: And since Lobo is a forward thinking bastich even in the most troubled times, he’s thinking of ways to promote his brand with the ring. Lobo would fit in well on social media.

TGH: So off they go, to go beat up those two Qwardians he mentioned last time, but wait, this story is going just a little too fast.

DN: *Applause* But first they need a montage!

QP: This training montage is no Karate Kid.

TGH: Guy asks the dude who was going to murder him and doesn’t actually need any fighting help from him to teach him how to fight.

DN: Which he does by just pummeling Guy into ground beef. And stabbing him. Imagine the scene from Star Wars where Obi-wan is training Luke, but instead of blinding him and telling him to use the force, he just kicks the shit out of him. Welcome to Guy Gardner Reborn #2.

QP: And I’m reasonably certain his arm is broken.

TGH: Plus he gets fapped in the nuts.

QP: And then literally as soon as they’re done fighting, they head off to Qward. Guy is still bleeding and everything.

DN: But what is good for staunching wounds? Why, a dirty leather jacket, of course.

TGH: If I wear this jacket, the Qwardians won’t see that I’m bleeding, unless they look at all of the blood pouring out of my sleeves and face. Do you have a face jacket?

DN: I have several. Very comfy in winter.

QP: Definitely a better plan than just waiting til tomorrow to raid a warrior planet.

TGH: Then they finally, FINALLY get on the Lobochopper and head out. Where is Dawg during all of this?

QP: Wisely staying at home.

TGH: I imagine an Elseworlds where they show up and those Qwardians have already left and Lobo just murders the hell out of Guy. Also I want to punch guy for saying Rancho Qwardo.

DN: Guy seems like a fairly casual racist. I think he said something kinda racist to Tom Kalmaku last issue, didn’t he?

QP: Yup.

DN: Our hero, kids.

QP: And so they go off to wreck some poor stranded Qwardians. For the record, I am going to start referring to myself as “the one who is not Hal Jordan” on a regular basis.

TGH: Lobo and The One Who Is Not Hal Jordan jump those two and start kicking their asses. Seriously, The One Who Is Not Hal Jordan is literally the worst thing you could call Guy ever.

QP: It’s just the best.

TGH: The Qwardians let on that they might know how to get back to Qward, so better torture them! Our hero!

DN: *Applause*

TGH: That night, as the Qwardians look like they have actually been killed, Guy reflects on everything he maybe could’ve not done up to that point.

TGH: “I’m taking a walk. Maybe I’ll find me somethin’ to kill.” Lobo’s just like “Haha, okay, Guy.”

QP: Lobo makes fun of Guy for having a soft spot for not enjoying it. Guy gets all emo and goes off to find himself in what is possibly the most sociopathic monologue ever.

QP: It’s like a bizarre inversion of the Hero’s Journey. How can I become the biggest scumbag possible?

DN: You’ve officially read to far into a Guy Gardner comic.

QP: Look, all things must be held up to a critical eye.

TGH: “What am I? Am I ever gonna be the butt-kicker God meant me to be?” An actual line written for this comic.

DN: Joseph Campbell’s A Douchebag’s Journey

QP: Guy professes not to care about anything or anybody, them waxes poetical about Green Lantern training with Kilowog. Your slip is showing, dear Guy.

TGH: That sets us up for a scene on Oa where nothing happens at all, but two pages sure were used up!

QP: But but poozers! But yeah, seriously, nothing happens.Except maybe Brik sees something red?

TGH: It’s nice to see Kilowog, but he’s just training some people who have no relevance to the story at this point

DN: Jesus, otherwise you’d have to pad this next fight by 2 more pages.

TGH: Yeah, we go back to Lobo and Guy and they’re torturing those Qwardians again. Guy seems pretty okay about it at this point. I guess Lobo did bench him though.

DN: He’s growing.

QP: Well, he is from Baltimore.

DN: You know The Wire isn’t a documentary, right?

QP: Baltimore is scary, man. Lots of office parks. One of the Qwardians finally breaks and calls the emergency escape hook whatever thing.

TGH: They push a button under Guy’s ass that creates a wormhole to Qward. A button, by the way, that they could’ve pressed months ago, leading to Guy’s death in my Elseworlds story.

DN: Which I want to read.

QP: “Buh buh buh Qwardian he would kill them for using their escape route!” Because that makes sense.

TGH: But then, one of the Qwardians unfairly tries to attack Lobo in the wormhole for no reason! Drama!

QP: Unfortunately, no one noticed the two-foot-long lightning bolt one of the Qwardians was hiding behind his back.

DN: Guy’s conscience has him kick the Qwardian out of a wormhole rather than get Loboed. Growing!

QP: A long slow death starving/freezing in limbo is way better than a quick death by head squishing.

TGH: The Qwardian gets lost in time and space and his character token is tipped on its side until he wakes up in Arkham next turn.

QP: Aaaaaand then Lobo kills the other Qwardian just to make sure you know how hardcore he is.

TGH: They finally land on Qward, but must have ended up in its hellmouth because what in the shit is happening there?! There’s a giant Sinestro, and a bunch of tiny Sinestros climbing all over it and it’s head is on the ground. This is the stuff of legit nightmares.

QP: Qwardian uniforms are the first of many things in this book that look like they should only ever be drawn by Jack Kirby.

DN: If I remember right there’s a reference to a movie I have not seen.

TGH: Yeah, they make a Gunga Din reference. A 1939 movie based on an 1892 Rudyard Kipling poem. Googling it couldn’t even help me fully understand the reference.

QP: Nope.

TGH: Who exactly was the audience for this book?

QP: Pow! Bam! Comics aren’t for kids anymore!

DN: So I’m sure kids in the 90’s all took a cinema course in elementary school. That sounds right.

QP: I think there’s a bob Dylan song about Gunga Din maybe? Guy doesn’t really seem like a Dylan fan.

TGH: I think he meant the movie since he asked if Lobo had seen it (how could he even, and yet he knew the line). The Qwardians react in the exact way I did: confusion and anger.

QP: I’d like to take a moment to applaud Joe Staton for the panel of angry Qwardians. Every one of those mf’ers has a different face.

DN: Qwardian faces are the best faces.

QP: That is a skill most comics artist are completely incapable of.

TGH: The Qwardians immediately recognize what’s-his-face.

QP: “The one with the bowl on his head!” Guy has another crisis of faith. That faith of course being “Am I a bad enough dude?”

DN: That’s the title of his memoirs.

TGH: “I don’t know how Lobo does it so easily…still…I’d better not let him kill more than me!”

QP: Meanwhile Lobo mows down half of Qward while guy soliloquies.

TGH: Gardner discovers that Lobo’s secret is to fight like he has no brain, which lacks so much self-awareness that I don’t know where to start.

DN: “You must empty your mind.”

TGH: They get the head on that giant, terrifying Sinestro, and it starts dousing the entire room in fire, burning everyone to death.

QP: Except somehow not Guy.

TGH: Guy brags about having a brain and very wisely grabs a thing and hurls it at the giant Sinestro, much like a noble ape hurls a pile of its own shit.

QP: Guy throws a Qward lighting bolt thing at the Sinestros and they call him an infidel. In case you were wondering if this was written during Gulf War I.

TGH: So that damn Sinestro monster blows up and I wouldn’t blame the writers if the next book is just Guy and Lobo in therapy talking about the Horror at Qward.

QP: No way man, bad dudes like these guys don’t need therapy.

DN: Feelings are for chumps.

QP: They just eventually snap from the PTSD.

TGH: They just fly out into Qward City, which is I guess the entire planet? Good luck finding where you want to – oh wait you did immediately. Ok then.

DN: See? Aren’t you glad for two pages of GLs??

QP: And there’s Qward, looking all Kirby.

TGH: But first the Chief Weaponer gets a report that Green Lantern is attacking them and is really scared until he hears it’s not Hal. “The other one! With the strangely shaped hair!”

QP: The gag that everyone knows who Guy is but no one know who he is is wonderful. Also: Qwardians are racist against beast-like dudes.

DN: Guy also mocks Lobo’s hair a bunch in this issue. Glass houses, Guy. Glass houses.

TGH: So they crash into the building they’re looking for and we’re a liiiitle short on pages so they find a Qwardian in jail for being nice. Then Lobo kills him because he’s a freak just like him! Deep character development!

DN: Well, because they’re opposite buddies!

QP: “I get this dude, even tho I don’t get this dude.”

TGH: They move to the next stage and there’s the Weaponer!

QP: Guy and Lobo smash their way into the Chief Weaponer’s office and get all snippy with him.

TGH: It’s a boss fight but with talking!

DN: Which is so out of place in this book.

QP: “What is a Green Lantern? A miserable pile of secrets!”

TGH: Turns out they don’t even have the ring, Guy. This book was completely useless!

DN: Womp womp

QP: Way to do your research.

TGH: It’s still on Sinestro’s corpse, which is on Oa, Guy.

QP: That place you used to be all the time. Lobo is just as angry as we are that he had to go through this.

TGH: Lobo’s about had it with his shit, but luckily the Weaponer has a teleporter and will gladly teleport him away if he would just tell him the coordinates to Oa. Bear in mind that this is an entire planet that hates Oa.

QP: Someone didn’t think this through. Way to fuck up all the shit, Guy.

TGH: Guy, having no reason not to trust the sworn enemy of Oa, hands the coordinates right over to him.

QP: Willpower, not brainpower.

TGH: Then the Weaponer teleports them over to Oa, along with the entire Qwardian army, which was luckily ready for this very moment. I guess the minute bowl head showed up it was a distinct possibility.

QP: You know those guys are always ready to invade Oa. There’s probably a special code just for “Guy Gardner shows up and gives us the coordinates.”

DN: Yeah, Code 1.

QP: It’s the only code.

TGH: Will Oa be completely destroyed, removing a large portion of DC’s 90’s revenue?

QP: Surely.

TGH: Find out in the “exciting” conclusion to the three part prequel to the actual comic that hasn’t even started yet!

QP: *applause*

TGH: Next week on Lobo: “Does this count as ‘darkest night’, George?” “OH IT’S DARK JERRY!”