DN: So straight talk, there are 31 superhero movies coming out in 5 years and not a damn one starring our favorite douchebag and his call girl sidekick. Lame.
TGH: Seriously. Surely there’s a Baldwin up to the task.
DN: Stephen. Why are you even thinking about the others?
TGH: Welcome to yet another issue of Guy Gardner! Last time, we found out that Hal Jordan was also looking for Goldface. Will he and Guy put their differences aside and work together to bring him down? Based on the cover, I’m guessing YES!
QP: Guy is well-known for his ability to forgive and forget.
DN: Yes, cooler heads MUST prevail!
QP: It’s the principle this book was founded on!
TGH: Our tale begins with Guy managing to not give us any exposition about the last 5 issues and just going right for Hal’s throat. This is what we came here for! And for once, Guy Gardner delivers!
QP:Hal forgets one little unimportant detail: his vulnerability to yellow. Like he’s not fighting a dude who’s entire schtick is “making stuff with yellow.”
DN: Hell Guy is mad enough HE also forgets for about 6 panels.
TGH: Seriously, Guy wanted to kill Hal with that ring forever. How do you even forget that?
QP: And then he pistons Jordan out of the penthouse.
TGH: Hal tries to talk some sense into Guy since they’re after the same person, and Guy agrees. Right after punching Hal in the head. Maybe it’s Stockholm Syndrome, but I laughed.
QP: Nah, it’s a pretty Saturday morning cartoons moment.
TGH: Hal’s all like “Whyyyyy??”
DN: Hal Jordan has a history of head injuries so probably has some memory issues. Concussions are srs business everyone.
TGH: They just start arguing on the street like an old married couple. I love the people in the background being super unimpressed by their bullshit.
QP: They came to Vegas to see fights, goddammit, not two superheroes squabbling like old hens.
DN: They get so mad they leave their sidekicks with a bunch of mobsters.
QP: Guy and Hal attempt to retrieve their respective sidekicks, but in doing so, cross their streams, canceling out Hal’s safety bubble. Clearly someone never watched Ghostbusters.
TGH: After Pieface almost dies, Sally accidentally lets slip where they’re going, and Guy and Hal get into another fight and decide to race to Goldface like a couple of children.
QP: Very mature.
TGH: Pieface mentions to Hal that he’s being a complete pissbaby. Hal first claims that Sinestro’s ring is making Guy evil, but then changes the excuse to being about Lantern pride. Hal’s lack of self-awareness is somehow more annoying than Guy’s.
QP: Pieface is the only voice of reason in this entire series.
DN: Robert Sammy Goulet Jr.’s info proves to be a bit shit, and leads Guy and Sally into a trap-laden ghost town.
QP: Guy momentarily considers the possibility that it might be a trap. And then basically says “fuck it.”
TGH: Sammy is pissed about his hair, so he only rats Guy out to Goldface, leaving Hal to run off and do his own detective work.
DN: “Detective work” in bigass quotes.
TGH: Meanwhile, Guy and Sally arrive at McTeague’s Corner, which is just an old ghost town, like 90% of Nevada.
QP: Someone shoots at them!
TGH: Guy breaks into the room where the shot came from and finds that someone has killed the shooter and stripped him of all of his flesh! Or it was just a skeleton. Sally alerts Guy to the presence of an old prospector.
QP: A prospector who is totally the kind of person you’d still see in the 90s and not at all suspicious or anything.
TGH: The prospector mentions a phantom that haunts the town, and is presumably what actually shot at Guy. And now Guy must stop him.
DN: I mean if Scooby Doo taught us anything it’s to trust old-timey prospectors.
QP: The prospector tries to lead them to safety, buy Guy and Sally fall in a trap anyway. A tiger pit, to be more precise.
TGH: A pit of spikes! In the middle of the street! Someone was busy!
DN:Guy saves Sally in way that might’ve killed a lesser side character.
TGH: Sally is justifiably terrified, so she wants to follow the prospector into the jail. but Guy knows better.
TGH: This does not stop him from being punched in the face, however.
TGH: Hal has a really interesting story about delivery logs that was cut from Star Wars Episode 1, and that’s how he found this gold seller.
QP: All the exposition we were (not) missing earlier from Guy.
TGH: Pieface (the name Hal gave him) is ordered to dress as an “international trader” aka a horrible Chinese caricature. Hal, I think you might be racist.
DN: Oof. Yeah, let’s start calling him Tom, my white guilt is acting up pretty heavily.
QP: I mean, because Inuits look just like Chinese people. Right? Right?
TGH: Also Hal knew that Goldface had some goons who could wreck Guy, but didn’t tell him because he’s a better hero than Guy is.
DN: Of course.
QP: You know, when the Superman Is A Dick guys run out of material, I think we’ve got a new contender for them.
TGH: “I’M HITTING HIM” is a great quote that sums this next scene up.
QP: Basically. Three more pages of punching.
TGH: Guy once again remembers that he has a ring and uses it and wins. The end. Fights are easy when made aware of your powers.
DN: Except when your weakness is fucking stupidity.
TGH: The prospector still continues his act about Guy beating the phantom, though this was clearly established as a fight against Goldface’s goon, who was a robot.
QP: What a varmint. Maybe he was a phantom robot.
DN: Tarnation. Then Guy gets ringjacked by Yosemite Sam.
TGH: Guy has his ring stolen by a robot dressed as a 19th-century prospector. That’s what just happened. I hope that was the line in that month’s solicitation.
QP: And Sally is threatened at knifepoint by an albino kabuki lady.
DN: She looks like an X-Men villain.
TGH: Meanwhile, Hal got a business card!
QP: What will happen next time? Spoilers: everybody dies. The end.
TGH: Will Guy get his ring back? Again? Tune in next week!
QP: Mail time! Big news everybody! Truly, it is the end of a very short-lived era: Guy’s got a right AND left foot now.
TGH: Damn it, I was kind of hoping it would be messed up forever. They must have heard us talking about them. Through time.
QP: Someone offers to get beers with Guy.
DN: Guy claims to be able to kill a keg.
QP: Another fella has very rational things to say about his intense loathing of Guy Gardner as a character.
TGH: Your typical “I hate you but I’m gonna keep buying your comic” letter.
TGH: Guy tells a dude to move out of his mom’s basement.
QP: Another person says he agrees with all of Guy’s political views, so, hey, how about a fictional character for president! Sometimes I’m not sure how seriously some of these people are to be taken.
DN: Dear God. Guy Gardner: President Warrior.
QP: Ugh , two Guy for president letters, even.
TGH: The letter section ends with Jerry Lewis offering to do a telethon for him. I’m going to assume that’s legit.
QP: I hope that really was Jerry Lewis somehow.
TGH: Guy Gardner is also big in France.
DN: I’d believe it.
90’s Ad Showcase:
DN: I wasn’t super impressed. More pushing Mystic Quest, the canned spam of the Final Fantasy franchise.
QP: Mystic Quest has just given up completely and is going back to the same old ads. And then…uh…
TGH: This is not a great issue for ads. DC announces their acquisition of MAD in this issue, which is at least historical?
QP: There’s an ad for Milestone comics, which is kind of neat.
QP: And Double Dragon 3: now with Real Martial Arts Action!
TGH: The NES version of that was not so good. I don’t think I ever beat the first stage.
QP: Well this is for Sega, so clearly it’s superior.
DN: You’re a monster.
TGH: Speaking of that, Batman Returns for NES was hot garbage. I was able to pick any game I wanted for my birthday one year, and I ended up picking that. Over Maniac Mansion of all things. Little me was an idiot.
QP: Oooh yeah.
DN: Yeah, Bats has a poor video game history pre-Arkham Asylum.
QP: I think I had the Batman Returns Tiger handheld. That was pretty good.
TGH: I liked the SNES game, and the original NES game was not bad, even if it had nothing to do with anything.
DN: I remember Batman for the Game Boy getting me through chicken pox.
QP: Did it have something to do with Batman punching dudes?
TGH: Batman: Return of the Joker on NES was good too. Really good graphics, or so I remember. I would’ve taken any of these over NES Batman Returns. Fuck that game.
DN: So next time: everyone dies and Guy never gets his ring back.
QP: The end.
TGH: Then Hal comes by and is super racist to everyone, and Goldface is like “dude, enough.”
QP: And then Jon shows up and we find out this whole story was a set up for an intervention about Hal’s casual racism.
DN: If only.
TGH: Guy Gardner: Social Justice Warrior
DN: That sounds remarkably plausible.