Guy Gardner #5: All That Glitters Is Gold


TGH: Welcome to another exciting edition of Guy Gardner! If the cover is any indication, in this issue Guy desperately tries to reach a man, who insists that he can NEVER reach him, despite most of his men being down already. I guess you don’t make it big in Vegas by making easy bets.

QP: Plus, a surprise guest star! Be still my beating heart!

DN: I’m sure it’s a continuity deep cut and not something horribly lame!


TGH: The issue starts with Guy punching Goldface right in his gold face!

QP: Totes approps.


TGH: Or rather, that’s what it would be like if Guy HAD found Goldface, which he hasn’t, as he explains to some people he cornered on the street.

QP: People who are only listening so they can try and buy his ring off him. Unfortunately this sets Guy back into Exposition Warrior mode.

DN: Ah, Vegas. So, despite my absence, the most notable villain in this series is a man who paints things gold?

TGH: Pretty much.

DN: Yeesh.

TGH: One of his captives points out that Goldface already kicked his ass, because that’s public knowledge, which is great.

QP: People in Vegas are apparently not as easily impressed as people in New York.


TGH: Guy gathers everyone around to watch him find Goldface with his ring, which I guess he hasn’t even attempted since he was shot in the head.

QP: And to no one’s surprise, it doesn’t work.

TGH: Actually, he did try this in the last issue, but couldn’t find him because his ring doesn’t speak Amurrcan. Which it still doesn’t, so he still can’t find him. But at least now everyone can watch him fail!

DN: Because it only speaks Korugarian. It can do everything you want it to except speak YOUR LANGUAGE.

QP: You almost kinda have to feel sorry for Guy. This whole “most powerful ring in the universe” thing is really not working out like heĀ  planned. I mean, not like, really sorry.


TGH: I feel like Dan Jurgens is ghostwriting this with how many times we hear about the ring not speaking English.

QP: The ring is telling us Booster Gold’s origin in Korrigarian ever issue.

DN: Now I don’t believe Gerard Jones is a real person. You’ve cracked this case wide open.

QP: Guy gets so pissed off at the ring not naturalizing itself to American culture that he takes it out on a poor slot machine.


TGH: Yeah, this scene is really weird. Guy, who I’m pretty sure is outside, kicks a slot machine inside and money pours out. Then a cop yells at him to not steal the money, and Guy gets mad that he would even think that and runs away. Like, that’s it. Was that to give him a reason to leave or what? It’s such a nonsense segue.


QP: Yeah, it’s just Guy being an anti-authoritarian dick for no reason. I think I’ve reached the point where I’m choosing to read this all as satire anyway.

TGH: “You can’t take that money!” “Screw you cop, now for the next part of my plan to find Goldface!”


QP: Dressing up like a cowboy pimp!

TGH: Guy disguises himself as Guy Gardner in a bad suit, then returns to the Filly Ranch, now bullet-free.

DN: With a yellow cigar. Looking like Curious George’s handler.

QP: And it’s probably not at all suspicious that he just walks up to this place out in the middle of the desert.

TGH: Guy tries to buy a prostitute, which should provide some clues.


QP: Namely, that guy has no clue how to pick up a prostitute. He starts throwing out pretty incredibly stupid entendres. Seriously, Guy, pretty sure you could just walk in and say “I would like to hire one of your finest prostitutes, please.” This looks like a classy establishment.

TGH: Instead Guy gets to spend a page trying to buy a horse for sex. Which is all anyone could have hoped for.


QP: Pretty much the best thing to happen in this series so far. Surely Guy is not the first person that’s walked into this place since this guy bought it, still thinking it’s a bordello. SURELY he should already know that he needs to make it clear he’s selling horses as soon as someone walks in the door. Surely.

DN: “Whore house?? No no, HORSE house!”

TGH: Goldface left after a psycho gunman shot the place up, which Guy is amused by. So then Guy does the only thing he knows how to do and threatens the man for information on where the previous owner went, like that’s even his business. But then he knows because this plot isn’t going to move itself forward.


QP: Hey, the desert is a harsh place. Gotta keep in touch with your neighbors if you want to survive.


TGH: Guy goes to the actual whorehouse and asks Bea Arthur where he can find a horse to fuck. Which is the only way anything he says there makes any sense.

QP: Please note that he changed from cowboy pimp to zoot-suited cab driver.

DN: And then we get the real surprise guest star of the issue, Tiffany/Sally the prostitute! I’ve missed her.


QP: She is kind of a delight.

DN: Right?? The best supporting cast member of Guy Gardner thus far.

QP: Oh man, she is totes gonna get fridged isn’t she?

DN: Oh God I hope not.


TGH: Tiffany asks if he ever got any guns, and he changes the subject to his ring guns instead of how he almost killed all of her friends.


QP: Tiffany/Sally decides to help Guy out, and he decides to shut down the brothel. Which he basically likens to shooing all the cockroaches in one house over to the one next door. So if you’re keeping track, he’s still at nil for actually having any kind of a positive effect on the world.

TGH: Didn’t Superman give a rousing speech like that recently? “All we can deal with is right here. Now the whores are over there.”

QP: Yes, with violent drug dealers instead of prostitutes. Guy and Sally decide to go track down Goldface at a casino, so Guy can show off how terrible he is at all forms of gambling.


TGH: He’s no James Bond, that’s for sure. He loses every single game he plays, and a showgirl calls him a cretin.

DN: Tiffany understands baccarat better than I do.

QP: No, it’s Sally now, Tiffany is soooo New York. Meanwhile, someone in the casino has caught sight of Guy and decides to clear out! I’m sure that won’t be important later!

TGH: Sally is the actual hero of this issue as she walks right up to a bartender and seduces all the info they need out of him. See Guy, you just have to work it sometimes.


QP: Sally is the sidekick Guy needs, but not the one he deserves. Honestly, if her whole storyline is just her being infinitely better at heroing than Guy, and WITHOUT a ring, I’ll be happy. And also her not getting fridged. Team Sally Not Getting Fridged.

TGH: Now that Guy has the info he needs, he just goes ahead and tears a giant hole the whole way up through the hotel to the top floor. Everyone in the hotel died when it collapsed in on itself.


QP: I guess he gets points for the element of surprise.


TGH: The men standing in a line in front of the hole look surprisingly calm about all this.


DN: Guy beats up some thugs to get to Robert Goulet. Sally compliments him on how good he is at his job.


QP: Oh God he is Robert Goulet isn’t he?

DN: Yup.

QP: I totally didn’t even pick up on that. Well played!

DN: DC: fake cities, countries, low rent celebrities.

TGH: He sounds at least part Sammy Davis Jr. from Sally’s description.


QP: Yeah, a bit. Sammy’s ready for them tho, and drops a big yellow shield around him. Except I guess he missed Guy’s PR memo about not having a yellow weakness anymore.

TGH: Where do people keep getting these yellow materials?

DN: Criminals just have a Green Lantern policy just in case. Home Depots round the nation have a premium on yellow paint.


QP: Guy just busts through the wall, picks Sammy up with a ring fist, and dangles him off the balcony like he was Vanilla Ice.

TGH: Guy really enjoys hanging/throwing people from great heights.

QP: Heroism! Sammy fesses up to his dealing with Goldface.

DN:He then proceeds to buzz cut “Guy Gardener is coming” into Sammy Davis Goulet’s hair.


TGH: Guy gets some info finally. Turns out Goldface is involved with a gold mining company! Maybe should’ve started there. Like when the Joker escapes and a new carnival just happens to pop up.

QP: Have to say, I’m reasonably certain Goldface will see Guy before he sees Sammy.


TGH: Turns out Kalmaku was spying the whole time. Guy calls him some weird maybe racist slur, but only one person can use that slur!

DN: And then we get the lesser guest star of the issue: Hal Jordan, looking like he did every steroid on the planet.


QP: And also looking PISSED.

DN: Side effect of all the HGH he’s been doing.

TGH: I feel like they just pasted someone’s high school Hal Jordan drawing right onto that page.


TGH: Next issue: maybe Sally kicks Hal in the dick!

DN: Please tell me that happens.

QP: Real talk tho, logical inconsistencies aside, this was a fairly entertaining issue.

DN: Agreed.

QP: I lay all the credit on Sally tho. Which is why she’s totally getting fridged.

DN: Yeah, if she leaves the series I’ll be crushed.


TGH: It’s apparently Beattygate in the letter section, as they misnamed the inker in an earlier issue. Terry Beatty himself joins the battle!

DN: Guy beat his editor half to death for the mistake.

QP: Steven LaBianca of Brooklyn, New York proposes the greatest story I can imagine: Guy and Lobo having to deal with Etrigan.

TGH: Also I’m 90% sure that Guy offered to mail Steven his semen in exchange for sexy pictures.


QP: That also happened.

DN: Marvel: no prizes! DC: Guy Gardner spooge. Thanks for the letters!

QP: Also of note: the letter column header got colored! And still no one noticed Guy has two right feet! I’m tempted to go check the last issue to see if they ever fix it, but I also don’t want to ruin the surprise.


TGH: They even colored the big toes differently than the other toes. Maybe to be passive-aggressive assholes.

DN:I like that he reads his letters in a pile of empty beer cans.

90’s Ad Showcase:


TGH: I think Galoob might have a case against Google of they’re still around. Clearly Google ripped off their entire logo from the “Excellent” word bubble in a 90’s Game Genie ad.

QP: Didn’t Galoob make all those infomercial toys they used to advertise on Nickelodeon?

DN: That sounds right.

QP: Like the bendy blocks and glow in the dark markers and stuff like that. Weird that they made those…and the Game Genie.

TGH: Is this where hacking began?

QP: No silly, hacking began with Jonny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie.

DN: Zero Cool and Acid Burn 4ever.

TGH: Galoob did all kinds of crap. Micro Machines, Biker Mice from Mars, Star Wars for a while. And then they died.

QP: Just like Tyco, but probably without the federal fraud case (I assume that was the same Tyco).

TGH: Nintendo tried to sue Galoob, but Galoob won. Tyco ain’t got shit.

DN: Is micro machines guy still alive?

TGH: He is!

QP: He came to Dragoncon a couple of years ago.

DN: No shit? Did he do an hour panel in 10 minutes?


QP: Mystic Quest is starting to get desperate: if you buy it before the end of January you get the strategy guide. PLEASE BUY OUR GAME. PLEASE.

TGH: I can’t believe how long that advertising campaign is.

QP: I’m morbidly curious about this game. I wonder if it’s on Virtual Console.

DN: Don’t. Trust me.

QP: Look, I hatefucked my way through FFVIII, I can probably handle this. It can’t be that bad.


TGH: Chuck Rock looks terrible; however, kudos to Sony for making Gary Glitter a bad guy four years before the child pornography thing. What did Sony know???

QP: Everything.

TGH: Also, Sony doing an SNES game is kind of a weird moment in time.

QP: Yeah, it’s like Sonic being on Nintendo or something. An idea I think we would’ve all been shocked by in 1993.


QP: Superman: still dead. Move along. Nothing to see here.

TGH: 9 tie-in issues. The world is going on just fine without Superman apparently.

DN: Not yet turned into 3 terrible concepts and Steel.


TGH: Batman Shaman: That is not a very good bat costume.

QP: The mask is giving us it’s O face.


QP: The How To Draw Lobo guide is the single best thing DC has ever produced (I may be overstating that slightly).


QP: Kemco finally gave us an ad that’s…well, not classy per se, but at least not a poop joke. It does appear to be a space shooter game whose box art features am elderly redneck with a banjo tho. Soooooo…not sure what’s going on there.

TGH: Yeah, Mystic Quest had a bad marketing campaign, but if you saw it in the store you could get an idea of what you were in for. Banjo guy, not so much.

QP: If it’s a game about space rednecks, that would be pretty awesome. Or Deliverance in space.


TGH: T2: The Arcade Game for Genesis! I bet that looked great! No, my scanner’s not broken. That’s really what the large image filling the page looks like.

QP: Also available on Game Boy!

TGH: I bet the Game Boy version is even better. Oh wait, LJN, burn it all to the ground.

DN: Oh God.

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