Editor’s Note: DN is still lost in time and space, but he should be back soon!
TGH: Welcome to another issue of Guy Gardner! As the cover implies, today Guy terminates an assassin. Not The Assassin, or a group of assassins, just the one.
QP: Introducing Daddy Warbucks! I mean, Guy Gardner! I don’t think rich people dressed like that ever, but especially not in 1992.
TGH: Our exciting tale of Guy confronting a man begins with Guy in the most pimp of outfits. He looks like The Penguin if he wore fur.
QP: Also: Joe Staton, I know you drew Power Girl back in the 70s. You can draw better boobs that that. Unless that’s supposed to be Madonna, in which case nevermind.
TGH: Guy is done with spandex chippies, and has moved on to formalware chippies
TGH: He still has his entourage of people screaming that he sucks too.
QP: His chippies are rightfully concerned for their safety.
TGH: I imagine the mob follows him home at night.
QP: Not hard to keep track of the guy in a top hat.
TGH: The Media accuses him of using his ring to make imagination money with which to buy his top hats, so Guy gets ready to kill a reporter.
QP: Reasonable response. Fortunately his agent is there to tut tut him out of violence.
TGH: Guy decides to give an interview. Of the exposition variety.
QP: Exposition Warrior powers activate!
TGH: His tiny vigilante team renamed themselves the Gardners of the Universe, probably because Galaxy was a little too close to lawsuit territory.
QP: Those little alien dudes are no Groot, I’ll give you that.
TGH: He takes a page to explain the whole last issue where nothing happened.
QP: And also how he made the poor little aliens wear his awful hairstyle. I don’t think those guys even have hair.
TGH: They had to remold their skulls. Guy gets paid in space gems, which he then pawns at a tremendous loss, no doubt.
QP: But still enough to get a place on the Upper East Side. Imagine if he’s found a reputable dealer.
TGH: Guy is excused from the interview to go to a church fundraiser, which is an odd fit.
TGH: And then he gets shot in the fucking head.
TGH: Guy is sadly fine, because he has the invincibility ring, which chose not to crap out.
QP: Annnd it’s time for a rampage.
TGH: Guy terrifies the citizens and animals of New York with a fake sun to find the shooter.
QP: Guy finds the would-be assassin, who turns out to be one of Goldface’s henchmen.
TGH: And then throws him off a building, like a hero.
QP: Now, Guy could question him and get answers as to why someone wants him dead. Or he could just kill the only lead he has at the moment. I think the choice is obvious.
TGH: Option B every time.
QP: Well thank God he did because that gives us an opportunity to shoehorn Ice into the story.
TGH: Regardless of what Guy insists she is the only reason the assassin is alive.
QP: And the only reason he doesn’t escape. Guy is way too busy yelling at her for not letting him murder a dude to notice.
TGH: Guy gives her shit for caring about him. Like he does. Can we maybe put a moratorium on calling girls “Fridge” in a Green Lantern comic?
QP: Such a catch.
TGH: He’s not even wearing the Superman memorial armband. Superman died, BTW.
QP: How did Guy miss that in his exposition? Speaking if which, he’s got some more of it! There has basically been an entire issue’s worth if exposition in this issue alone. Anyone think they should’ve done that for issue 3 instead? No? Just me? Okay.
TGH: Guy met up with his publicist at the local roof to discuss beating up Hal Jordan, but I’m A Human pointed out that some people may see that as a dick move. So only for that reason does he decide to go after Goldface instead.
QP: So if this entire assassination plot has started to seem a little fishy to you, congrats, you’re smarter than our protagonist.
TGH: Guy asks his ring to find Goldface, but it still didn’t teach itself English!
QP: Guy admits to Ice that his ring has been giving him problems, and she wisely points out that maaaaaaybe he shouldn’t use it?
QP: Instead, let’s foreshadow the inevitable critical failure this ring will cause. Anyway, back to the exposition.
TGH: He visits his psychic friend to get some clues on where Goldface is.
TGH: Then there’s a whole pointless scene where he’s a dick to the carnival owner about the damage Guy caused to the premises.
QP: Then Huumon the Agent drums up some false negative press against Goldface to make him seem dangerous. So Guy can ad some libel charges to his public destruction lawsuit.
TGH: So Goldface got pissed enough at that point to have him shot. I applaud him.
TGH: Guy brags to Ice about all the ladies he’s getting and she tries to blast his ass, but sadly he has magic immunity ring. Good for her, though. About time she actually tried to kill him like everyone else.
QP: And he gives himself the lamest catchphrase ever. The world would be a better place if more people tried to off him. But oh no! Ice has something she needs to talk to Guy about! What can it be?!
TGH: Guy storms off and flies away, having never gotten any information about Goldface’s whereabouts. That is how this issue ends.
TGH: Guy Gardner terminated no one.
QP: Well Lobo already told us he didn’t have it in him. The main man knows these kid of things.
TGH: In the letter section, some asshole suggests that Guy remove the G from his boots. That’s the best part, jerk!
QP: Another guy asks for pen pals. I guess this was a thing?
TGH: Add him to the list of people we need to write to. Also someone complained that the miniseries was too expensive. Right???
QP: Then some poor schmuck who is trying to collect every Guy Gardner appearance in print, and for some reasons his first appearance comic is going for $175? That seems stupidly overpriced in 2014 dollars. So thank God he managed to find it somewhere for $50!
TGH: Next issue: Guy visits a brothel and encourages the kids to stay tuned!
QP: A hero for the ages.
90’s Ad Showcase:
QP: From the halcyon days when we still had both Macho Man and the Ultimate Warrior.
TGH: A better time for everyone.
TGH: When I die, promise me you’ll collect my trading cards.
QP: 100 cards about how Superman is totally for real dead and definitely not coming back next year.
TGH: I’m sure there will be 200 cards for his return.
QP: With a mullet wig.
QP: Yet another weird Mystic Quest ad. But at least they dropped the cow.
TGH: Plus they’re showing the box art now.
TGH: Batman Versus Predator!
QP: No, thank you.
TGH: Out in time for Christmas!
QP: Ooh, if you order some comics, you get a free poster if Superman’s battered corpse! I’m getting the feeling that comics posters back then were just the WORST.
QP: Meanwhile, Tim Drake is gonna get the facts about AIDS. Which is a weird thing to think about now, that you used to have to hunt down facts about AIDS. With the help of a grappling hook.
TGH: He’s going to get some facts, but he was just at the Bat-Computer. That thing has the most facts!
QP: Batman is AIDS-phobic. No AIDS facts on the bat computer.
TGH: Damn it, Batman.
TGH: Get ’em by the cross hairs. Classy, Kemco.
QP: I’m sensing a trend here.