Editor’s Note: Fellow contributor DN was on his way here via wormhole, but was kicked out into limbo. He will rejoin us once he finds his way out.
TGH: Welcome back! Last time, Guy spent 4 issues trying to get Sinestro’s ring, only to break it immediately.
QP: At least he didn’t start smacking it like it was a sensitive electronic on the fritz.
TGH: Maybe even Sinestro’s ring thinks Guy is too much of a dick.
QP: Seems likely.
TGH: Guy refuses to think about what he could have possibly done to deserve the situation he’s in and heroically runs away.
QP: Maybe accidentally igniting an interstellar war for your own personal gain? Naaaaah.
TGH: Luckily his assailants are even dumber than he is and begin beating each other up long enough for him to escape.
QP: The central theme of people getting one-punched continues.
TGH: Guy takes this opportunity to hide around a corner 20 feet away until they see him staring at them.
QP: And instead of running for the hills, he makes like a Final Girl and goes up the nearest flight of stairs.
TGH: His attempts at climbing to safety are thwarted by Boom or Thoom just tearing the fire escape off of the building like a baller. Guy grabs an exterior water pipe (which I can safely say is a code violation), and it breaks immediately (also a code violation).
QP: And then does the “craziest thing he’s ever done”, which is swing Tarzan-style into Thoom, or Boom or whoever. Guy’s metric for “crazy” is on par with that of an 8 year old.
TGH: I think he somehow hits both as indicated by the onomatopoeias.
QP: Ah ha, good catch.
TGH: Not like the art helped explain what was happening in those 2 panels.
QP: Two panels later they’re both shown to be standing up, completely fine, but hey, whatever.
TGH: And then Buk-50 combo-breaks Guy into the ground.
TGH: Buk-50 keeps egging Guy on to fight him, so Guy gives him his strongest love tap.
QP: Buk is not impressed.
TGH: They actually call time out for a nice little chat, when suddenly Kilowog flies by, looking for Guy.
QP: And Guy Who’s-On-Firsts it for some reason.
QP: Kilowog can’t pick up on Guy’s ring because it’s dead, and can’t see Buk-50 and the Brothers Grimm since they’re cloaked.
TGH: He can’t find Guy in New York, since the ring detects other rings, which is really handy when you’re in charge of protecting a relatively ringless universe.
QP: Guy does the first smart thing in this issue by using the distraction to go steal a city bus and attempt a triple homicide with it. It’s a surprisingly good set of action panels! You know, for a Guy Gardner book.
TGH: Yeah, so Guy just straight-up hits them with a bus, and is impossibly and hilariously hurled through the windshield to safety. Kids, DO try this at home!
QP: Guy is dead now. The end. Real talk, tho: it seems like every issue there is a “Guy should be dead now moment.” And especially this one, since he doesn’t have ring aura to protect him.
TGH: “Shoot,” he says to himself as his body prepared to break into a hundred pieces. I think if I were hurling through the front of a bus, my thoughts would be more like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” This is why I’m no hero.
QP: Well if stupidly launching yourself through a bus window is what it takes to be a hero, in fine with staying cannon fodder.
TGH: He doesn’t even have a scratch. What the hell does he even need the ring for?
QP: We find out later that he’s actually Kryptonian, I’m sure.
TGH: Meanwhile, The Media gets wind of his antics and immediately comes to the conclusion that his ring doesn’t work since he had to use a bus instead of an imagination bus to fight. Also, I love that everyone knows about this fight but not a single cop or anyone at all is going to help out because fuck Guy.
QP: Hey, the biggest superhero on earth don’t need no cops helping him. Meanwhile, and more importantly: BOOSTER GOLD MULLET SIGHTING. No one survived the mulletpocalypse that was the 90s. I’m sure Beetle’s got one under his cowl, too.
TGH: It’s probably super long and tucked into one of this pant legs.
QP: Like the rest of the sane people in New York, they are pumped that Kilowog is here to get the ring back and totally not fall for Guy’s bullshit again.
TGH: Guy manages to get the gang to chase him down into the subway, and I can’t tell if the hits them with a train, or just stands nearby or what. But after the whole mangled bus incident you’d think that could have ended in disaster for everyone.
QP: Well thank God nobody ever rides the subways, right? Kilowog catches up with Guy as he’s gloating over outsmarting a literal pile of bricks.
TGH: Oh man, he’s definitely going to take the ring from Guy now.
QP: Totally. There’s no way Guy can talk himself out of this one.
TGH: Guy, having no idea whether or not the ring will ever work again, makes up a sob story about being a hero, for no other reason at this point but to be a dick I guess.
QP: “Why do the Guardians have to take people’s personal stuff?” Self awareness, honey.
TGH: Kilowog lets him keep the ring and leaves Earth to announce to the Guardians what an idiot he is, and to continue training new recruits on how to also be an idiot.
QP: Just in time for Buk and the Brick Boys to show back up. Impeccable timing.
TGH: Seriously, Kilowog knew Guy had no powers and these guys were trying to kill him. Maybe stick around long enough to help out?
QP: Nah, that dude lies too much. He needs an ass whupin.
QP: Fortunately for Guy, his ring inexplicably starts working again.
TGH: Kilowog picks up the surge in energy and immediately takes it from Guy. Wait, no he doesn’t, because he’s Kilowog.
QP: Guy resorts to all the cutesy constructs he was so disdainful about last issue to beat these guys up.
TGH: Guy resumes throwing Boom and Thoom through floors and walls, narrowly missing innocent bystanders.
QP: Hey, if he kills anyone, he’s already got a PR agent on call. A lawyer, maybe not so much.
TGH: He decides to talk to his ring again, and sadly it speaks Korugarian, which is what Sinestro speaks, instead of American, oddly enough.
TGH: I hope the ring just told him to go fuck himself.
QP: Very likely. In a shocking turn of events, Buk confesses that he no longer wants to fight.
TGH: It was all a test by some aliens!
QP: Alien dudes who need a strong arm.
TGH: Tiny vigilantes want to make a task force. It’s kind of adorable.
QP: But sadly, Guy doesn’t know if he’s up to the task, what with his ring being so temperamental.
TGH: They want Guy to lead, which is a bad start.
QP: So he decides the best course of action is to go fight some dudes. In space. With a wonky ring. That will be his only protection against the vacuum. Brain trust.
TGH: Guy demands the test to make sure his ring won’t crap out and kill him, even though it could really do that at any time after the test. So the issue ends with Guy demanding that his tiny friends round up some assholes for him to fight.
QP: A hall of mirrors?
TGH: If only.
QP: Mail time! In this issue, some boring people write fluff letters about how excited they are about this book. And then, a continuity guy writes in. “Can someone please explain the exact timeline of events that happened over this span of issues?” To which guy gives pretty much the best possible response:
TGH: Wait. Waaait. GUY HAS TWO RIGHT FEET!
QP: AAAAAAAAAH! BURN THE WITCH!
TGH: And they put this in every issue! Nobody ever looked at it again!
TGH: Alright, so the next issue is a weird one, so we’re just going to tackle it in this update.
QP: Guy punches dudes in space with no dialog for 22 pages. The end. You can tell they were trying so hard for a concept issue.
TGH: It’s kind of a neat concept, but maybe one that I wouldn’t do 3 issues into the series.
QP: And also maybe have slightly more stuff happen than literally he just punches one dude repeatedly.
TGH: This was Guy’s test: fighting in space. So I guess we get that out of the way.
QP: If I had paid $1.25 for this in 1992 I would’ve been so pissed.
TGH: Guy gets super bad about just pissing his ring power away towards the end. If you’re worried about it dying at least learn to fight smarter.
QP: I appreciate that the credits reflect that Gerard Jones probably had better things to do this month. “Okay, Gerard’s getting his wisdom teeth out next week, how do we cover for this?” The entire script for this story:
Ext: space. Guy punches a monster thru planets. Then he beats him. Then there is a line of other monsters waiting.
TGH: That one fight was out of I guess hundreds more, so I guess we should be grateful that this was the only one they did.
TGH: The letter section makes fun of him again, then plugs his other Lantern titles.
QP: One sad guy requesting pen pals. Put his address in and everything.
TGH: Poor Brendan “Lover of Comics” Lawson.
QP: I bet whoever lives at that address now is still getting junk mail. We should send a letter to that address.
TGH: What’s the worst that can happen, really?
QP: We get added to a cease and desist warning?
QP: Small stakes.
TGH: Then the next issue box describes the events from 2 issues later. Spoilers!
QP: Even tho the next issue box in the actual comic says something completely different. Eddie Berganza, asst. editor, you are falling down on the job.
TGH: And all the letters are from the miniseries still. It’s like a comics Bermuda Triangle back there. Also two right feet.
90’s Ad Showcase:
QP: Another nonsensical ad for FF: Mystic Quest.
QP: Remember Ugly Kid Joe? No?
TGH: I do not remember the smash “Neighbor.”
QP: I mostly just remember the name. And the edited version of that album cover that they sold at Walmart.
TGH: They look thoroughly 90s to the max.
QP: It’s every awful 90s thing in one ad.
Washed out band photo: check
Long haired weirdos: check
Scribble font: check
Parody logo in the style of at shirt you bought at Spencer Gifts in middle school: check
TGH: Meanwhile on Write Right Now, you can buy fake parking tickets to annoy friends and strangers alike!
QP: And they still have some prehistoric poop if you’re interested.
TGH: I am.
QP: Next up: an ad for a poster of the single most badass depiction if Eclipso ever.
TGH: Bart Sears brings out the big dramatic art guns.
QP: Seriously, that is a cool drawing. Not cool enough to make me consider hanging a picture of Eclipso on my wall, but still.
TGH: They have a poster of the Justice Society standing behind a man’s grave. Unless Lance was practical enough to prepurchase a two-sided headstone. Which I’m going to assume he was. Lance always thought of everything.
QP: Yeah, I don’t think I would put any of these posters on my wall.
TGH: A Doomsday ad! I guess we’re wading right through that bullshit.
QP: Somehow this is the first ad for this. Did DC not used to advertise huge events a year in advance?
TGH: Apparently not, unless it’s been in Superman for months.
TGH: Get a monster bone. Classy, Kemco.
QP: Well that game sounds unpleasant. And continuing that theme, the ads for Top Gear implies that you will shit your pants while playing it.
TGH: Give yourself skidmarks. Classy, Kemco.
QP: “It’ll squish you into your seat.” WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PLAY THAT?
TGH: Robin 3000. Now that’s an idea that is probably going places!
QP: Robin is blonde. I call bullshit.
TGH: A one-legged blonde Robin from the darkest timeline.
QP: With guns. Hashtag thenineties.
TGH: Protecting the bat moon with his robot, who had better be called A.L.F.R.E.D.
QP: BATMAN ON A HORSE. Oh wait, Batman on a horse with a gun. NEVERMIND.
TGH: Morrison ripped Elliot S. Maggin right the hell off !
QP: I guess it’s an Elseworlds so maybe that’s okay.