Guy Gardner #16: Total Warfare

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TGH: Welcome back to yet another issue of Guy Gardner. I am sad to announce that this is the LAST issue of Guy Gardner ever! Also according to the cover, Guy meets his end by getting beat up by his best friend/childhood hero while some bastard child of the 90’s looks on, so that’s pretty much what I would have expected.

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TGH: Our story begins with our mysterious 90’s man being dropped out of a plane at 35,000 feet. Sure are a lot of birds up there!

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TGH: The drug office park is located on a mysterious unnamed island run by an unnamed Asian gang. Imagination! They need some multilevel building to develop a new drug ten times more addicting than marijuana.

QP: So, not addicting at all?

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DN: They drop the guy out of a plane onto a drug cartel and the caption is “insertion successful”.

TGH: Dude just explodes the entire building by dropping in through the roof, but luckily everyone inside is doing fairly okay.

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DN: Also falling from a plane makes you farty.

TGH: Yeah, that’s a little TMI, narrator.

QP: Fart jokes, giant guns, and thigh pouches: this is officially the 90sest thing that’s happened in this book so far. Oh, and also wanton disregard for human life. That too.

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TGH: Once he kills all of the Asian scientists, a bunch of Asian guards come running in and also die because this guy is the master of guns.

QP: And he brought enough gun.

TGH: Always bring enough gun to a gun fight.

QP: But try not to bring enough gun to a spoon fight. That’s just declasse.

DN: Was this pre- or post-Cable showing up in X-Men?

QP: Cable’s first appearance was ’90.

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TGH: There’s a whole panel that I guess is supposed to be weapon porn where the artist scribbled a bunch of lines everywhere and the writer lists all kinds of guns and explosives. Bear in mind that this island is like 200 feet long and there are probably 20 people running at him.

QP: Yeah, he seems alternately overgunned and outmanned.

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TGH: Finally, on the SIXTH page, we get the title of the story. We get it, DC. This guy is a total badass supreme.

QP: But he’s super hardcore, so it all comes out in the wash. The baddest badass that ever happened.

TGH: Also his name is Militia. Keep that in mind, because he’s the next big thing.

QP: I’m sure that’s why I’ve never heard of him before.

DN: Surely on his way to his own ongoing and not forgettable at all.

TGH: “All he wants to do is make the world a better place. Even if he’s got to be the last one left to enjoy it.” Oh, fuck you.

QP: Seriously. Why not just go ahead and nuke the whole joint, then?

TGH: Really, what do they need this asshole for? A bomb for an island that size would be a lot cheaper and would probably know when to shut up. I like that the pouches on his legs are not even real pouches, just glued-on Catan pieces.

QP: That splash page suffers from a fatal case of Liefelditis.

DN: There are no survivors of Liefelditis.

TGH: Missing feet and everything.

QP: Can we talk about how the gun has a built in wrist strap? I don’t know a lot about guns, but I feel like that’s a good way to break your arm.

TGH: It does a nice job of forcing your finger on the trigger at all times too, which is good gun safety.

QP: Also it clearly shoots bullets the size of tennis balls, so I have to imagine it’d knock him flat on his ass every time.

DN: And no ugly costume should be without its own sight/monocle thingy.

QP: Dear costume designers: unless you are designing a new costume for Deadshot, do not do this.

TGH: If you’re going to wear a robot mask, have that shit built in, otherwise why are you even wearing that thing?

QP: So everyone knows you are always scoping targets. Militia at the grocery store: scoping targets. Militia in line at the DMV: scoping targets.

DN: Militia getting a latte?

QP: Scoping targets. And that barista better draw a little gun sight in the foam this time, dammit.

TGH: “He had better write my name in a diamond, or I’m only tipping 12%.”

QP: That is the least hardcore logo design.

TGH: Just attack him from the left, since his field of vision is needlessly crap.

QP: But he’s so hardcore. You could never sneak up on him. Obviously.

TGH: I swear I could spend the entire writeup on this page, but the story hasn’t even actually begun! Seven pages later, we finally meet up with our hero, who is battling literacy with all his might.

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QP: Guy is pissed that taking his evil clone out didn’t make the front page of the paper.

TGH: It turns out a dwarf wedding is way more exciting than the last seven issues of the Guy Clone saga.

QP: Accurate statement of fact.

DN: I agree.

TGH: He rips up his newspaper in disgust and gets some weird, poorly-written attitude from the owner.

QP: Hey, he doesn’t get free papers just because he occasionally “saves” New York, buddy.

TGH: The guy demands to be paid for the paper, which is fair enough, but then still yells at Guy after he pays, and then yells at him for flying away, even though he already paid?

QP: What’s a guy gotta do to get some respect?

TGH: “Here’s your money.”
“Hey, time’s wasting here! I ain’t got all day! Cough it up! Eeeeyyyyyy!”

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TGH: Guy gets all mopey about getting no respect, so he breaks into General Glory’s house to stare at his photos, and Jesus Christ what the hell is wrong with his face in the bottom right panel???

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QP: Why has he got Michael Jackson’s nose?

DN: So many teeth.

TGH: Maybe it’s because I don’t think we’ve ever seen Guy smile, but this is just creepy as hell.

QP: At least a bit, yes. General Glory feels the same way, however, and punches Guy straight out of the building.

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DN: And more of New York gets destroyed.

TGH: General Glory still thinks that Guy killed the dude instead of his evil clone, and will not hear Guy out. I didn’t realize that General Glory was that strong, or that he had the same disregard for human life as Guy, but he sure goes knock Guy through plenty of buildings that are probably inhabited.

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QP: Well, one of them is a new luxury apartment, so at least presumably still empty.

TGH: Guy decides that the best way to prove his innocence is to use his ring to make a Nazi tank and attack General Glory with it.

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QP: This proves not to be convincing.

TGH: It’s like Guy wants to get his ass kicked.

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QP: Well, one could probably argue facets of his psychology that tend towards masochism, but I think that’s probably for some smarter person to tackle.

TGH: “I know you think I’m evil, but I built a time machine and brought my good friend Adolf Hitler here to vouch for me!”

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TGH: Guy finally goes out on a limb and simply uses his ring to hold General Glory still so he can’t kill him anymore.

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QP: He convinces him to go with him to JLA headquarters so Wonder Woman can use her lasso on him.

DN: Possibly the only good idea we’ve seen Guy exhibit.

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QP: Which I’m reasonably certain only happened to they could write a bondage joke at her expense.

TGH: So Guy explains his story while holding him in the vice, but then in the next panel he has the rope around him at JLA headquarters. Did he tell the story twice, or are the artists/writers fighting again?

QP: Yeah, I think that was just bad layout, but it took me a few readovers of the page to figure that much out.

TGH: So after telling his side of the story twice, Guy and General Glory go out to dinner. That was his entire story this issue. Good supposed end to the series there.

QP: Also, does Wonder Woman really need to lasso people like she’s about to tie them to a train track for it to work? You’d think if the person was volunteering she could just do a once over or something.

TGH: Yeah, really. “Here, hold this.”

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TGH: We now go back to our best friend Militia, who, having murdered all the Asians, is now killing some Africans.

QP: He’s an equal opportunity murder machine. Every panel this dude is in for this entire book is just so much Badass For Badass’ Sake. Its so boring I can’t even bring myself to hate it. It’s just EHHHHHHHHHH.

TGH: He’s using a dude as a human shield, even though he has plot armor.

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DN: He proceeds to shove a grenade into the generalissimo’s mouth that doesn’t look like it should fit and then does in the next panel. And of course Militia even gets edgy dialogue bubbles.

TGH: So the only crime is having a nuclear plant, but maybe they could make a bomb, so let’s kill everyone.

QP: He’s honestly just destroying this power plant because it COULD be used to build nukes, but it turns out it isn’t, but who cares? That is the most American thing I’ve ever read.

TGH: This is some scary foreshadowing.

QP: You just crippled the power supply of What is likely an impoverished third world country because, hey, why not. AND killed their leader, which will more than likely cause them to descend into a power vacuum of violence.

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TGH: I know he’s talking about radiation, but “The rad levels are to the max!” is the 90sest thing I’ve ever read.

QP: In hindsight, it’s really unfortunate that they didn’t rename the book Rad to the Max.

TGH: Militia’s pickup crew complains about dying of cancer, but Militia yells at them for being cowards, even though a) he’s wearing a suit that’s probably impervious to radiation and they’re not, and b) they’re his employers, so shut the fuck up! You were JUST saying how much you liked them, you dick.

QP: If you’re a bad enough dude, you won’t get cancer. That’s how it works. Soak up some rads, loser.

TGH: “Champions WALK from the field! Now please fly me out of here.”

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DN: This helicopter has a fax machine.

QP: That’s totally a thing that could happen.

TGH: Militia immediately has another mission, even though he might have been thinking about taking a vacation. No you weren’t. Champions don’t bitch when they get another mission.

QP: Fortunately, this mission is both work AND pleasure!

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TGH: The target is none other than Guy Gardner, and even Militia knows that killing him would be great for everyone!

DN: That is a terrible headshot.

QP: It’s on a poster-sized piece of paper, too.

TGH: At least he’s not smiling.

QP: Also: Militia’s secretary’s face is reflected in his armor, not once, but twice. Hardcore badass dudes need both secretaries and chrome-like surfaces on their colorful armor.

TGH: Will Guy be killed by Militia, the most amazing badass in comic history? Find out in the next issue, titled Blood War! So hardcore.

QP: This issue was basically just a waste of space. Let’s punch and recap and blow 10 pages on introducing a character that will probably only have this one story!

TGH: I think DC really wants to make Militia a thing, but then forgot that they already had Deathstroke and Deadshot who look just like that anyway.

QP: They look like that AND have several decades worth of stories to make them at least marginally interesting.

TGH: He doesn’t even have a form of death in his name. He should’ve been called Killitia.

QP: Wow. That’s probably an Image character.

DN: Yeah he’s on Youngblood.

QP: Really?

DN: No.

QP: Disappointing.

TGH: Kind of sad how plausible it was though.

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TGH: Mail time! Some kid writes to Guy to have him stop drug dealers from selling to his school, which is kind of sad that he has to ask Guy Gardner for help. Guy actually responds in a non-asshole way and tells him to get the cops involved.

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DN: Militia could handle that.

QP: Militia would be glad to murder some drug peddling school children.

TGH: Militia would just destroy the entire school. He’s out to make the world a drug-free place, even if he’s got to be the only one left to abstain.

DN: He would be dropped at the school from low orbit.

TGH: He would be fired from a satellite, startling the seagulls hovering around it.

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QP: Someone writes a really intellectual letter about the yin and yang of teaming up Guy and Boodikka.

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TGH: Charles Brown is back for round 3 of sending stupid letters and having them printed. They should really stop encouraging him.

QP: Hey, a hate purchase is still a purchase.

TGH: I wonder what the ratio of hate purchases to not-hate purchases was on this title?

QP: God, it could really go either way.

DN: The only issue I ever paid money for back then was the zero issue because I had to have all of them.

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TGH: A couple of “huge” announcements at the end. For one, no more Guy Gardner, which they already told us about on the cover, but hey. The second, the comic is now officially called Guy Gardner: Warrior! My domain name purchase finally begins to make some sort of sense! I’m sure next issue is going to lay out exactly how this name comes to be.

QP: Undoubtedly. I’m surprised they’re continuing with #17 and not rebooting it at #1. It’d be worth way more money that way.

TGH: Yeah, really. It’s not even foil or anything.

DN: Which is kind of shocking.

QP: Holofoil or GTFO.

90’s Ad Showcase:

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QP: You have to read really really hard to figure out what the hell the ad for Jim Power is about. Tiny print, inscrutable game logo, undecipherable art.

TGH: Is that even the title?

DN: I can’t even find it.

QP: It may not even be.

TGH: It says The Lost Dimension in 3D at the top, kind of.

QP: One of the review blurbs refers to it as Jim Power but the logo seems to call it The Lost Dimension.

DN: Oh, that one. Yeah, that designer needs a smack in the mouth.

QP: Though I think the squiggly stuff above “The Lost Dimension” is SUPPOSED to say “Jim Power” so who knows?

TGH: Also the claim of “The only True 3D game” is bullshit. 3D World Runner by Square for the NES had a 3D mode, and I don’t even know if that’s the first one.

QP: Vectrex had 3D games in 1984 according to Wikipedia. And there were multiple games on NES well before this one. In fact, this one isn’t even mentioned on the wiki page.

TGH: “Kids are stupid! We’re the first video game!” Jim Power the Lost Dimension Lost Dimension in 3D was a pioneer in video game technology according to itself. I find it hard to believe that 3D could even work on the Game Boy, unless you got some weird green glasses with it.

QP: Ha, according to Wikipedia it never actually came out on Game Boy. OR Genesis. SNES and PC only.

TGH: This fucking game.

QP: 75% of that advertisement didn’t happen.

DN: Well they had high hopes.

QP: When your hero looks like the rocket-powered bastard of Brad Pitt and the Michelin Man, I guess you have to have high hopes, or you have nothing.

TGH: Electrobrain Corp. of Salt Lake City, Utah, you are a liar and a thief. And your ad sucks.

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QP: Skybox tried to cash in on the collector mentality of little goth children everywhere with their Nightmare Before Christmas trading cards. I feel like there can’t have been that much of a market for these before the emergence of Hot Topic.

TGH: Skybox must have had the printing process down, because they seem to be able to crank a new series of cards out every month.

QP: Seriously.

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DN: At least Best of the Best Karate knows how to make an ad depicting its contents.

TGH: The smash hit SNES game I’ve never heard of. God damn it, it’s Electro Brain!

QP: Oh my God, hahaha. They spent their entire development budget advertising in Guy Gardner for one month.

TGH: Someone please go back in time and explain how not to put text on top of images with a lot of colors.

QP: Maybe give a few of your advertising dollars to a graphic designer, guys.

TGH: Available in Super Nintendo! Wait, only Genesis had 2-player mode. What the actual fuck?

QP: Electro Brain hates poor kids, I guess.

TGH: Making a one-player fighting game is a serious crime.

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TGH: Meanwhile, Green Lantern has to intervene to keep an entire town from murdering two gay people.

DN: The timing on this is funny because Hal is about to murder the Lantern Corps.

QP: Ohhhhhh whoops.

TGH: But not for maybe having AIDS, so it’s cool.

QP: Or for being gay. Just because he’s a dick.

TGH: I like that Hal gives a stupid lecture, then just flies away, confident that his words of wisdom reached everyone and those two guys are definitely safe now.

QP: No one will just kill them anyway because they’re gay, surely. No one would ever do that.

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QP: LoboCop is actually the front-runner for “most 90s thing in this issue.”

DN: Lobocop. Probably bought that when I was 11.

TGH: Sometimes I wonder if some of these ads are just parody. Surely nobody would actually make Lobocop. Right? Right???

QP: Wrong, bitch! “Part robot, part cop, part bastich.” No, bad DC.

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TGH: Robocop 3 wins this issue’s award for being a game that wasn’t made by fucking Electro Brain.

DN: Robocop 3! Watch the shitty movie, play the shitty video game!

QP: Part Man, Part Machine, not part bastich.

TGH: Relive the excitement of escaping an attack by Daft Punk and old people!

QP: An army of Daft Punk clones!

TGH: Finally Genesis and Game Gear owners can get in on the action. A deciding victory in the console wars.

QP: I wonder how that turned out for them.

TGH: This game is probably at least partly responsible for every shitty Sonic game in the last decade.

QP: Seems reasonable.

TGH: It was the butterfly that caused the hurricane.

QP: Robocop 3 the movie was written by Frank Miller. It all comes full circle.

DN: Oh shit, I had forgotten that

QP: Everything terrible just comes back to Frank Miller.

TGH: New Cracked article: 5 Face-Meltingly Insane Ways That Sin City and Sonic the Hedgehog Are Connected.

QP: Dude, get Seanbaby on the phone.

Next time:

TGH: Next week, Militia goes on his vacation and runs into Guy at the same resort. Hilarity ensues.

QP: Specifically the hilarity where it turns out Militia is a 90-pound weakling under that suit of cybernetic enhancements and pouches. Guy kicks sand in his face. The end.

TGH: Guy meets The Ultimate Warrior at the resort and beats him at volleyball, stealing his title, which is how wrestling titles work.

DN: Wrestling watcher here. That is totes how it works.

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