TGH: Welcome to another issue of Guy Gardner, where everything is made up and the points don’t matter. This issue actually starts over in Justice League, where Clone Guy has made it to Earth, and, being the sleeper agent he is, immediately murders someone in front of a bunch of superheroes.
QP: That’s not how Manchurian candidates are supposed to work.
TGH: Wonder Woman vows to get the league together in order to enact justice on Guy, since he embarrassed them in front of the lizard person. There’s all kinds of weird JLA stuff going on here that I don’t even want to deal with, like Blue Beetle being scared to fight, and some whole thing with Ice’s brother and some weird ice zombies, but eventually Clone Guy shows up at JLA headquarters totally not being a clone. “Hello, fellow heroes. Ice is in trouble again? What a dippy broad, am I right, humans?”
QP: So out of character. Guy would never show concern for Ice.
DN: Nope just casually push her down a flight of stairs.
TGH: “That human female really makes me <EARTH EMOTION>.”
QP: Also he just casually strolls into the monitor room like everyone’s not looking for him.
TGH: The gang tries to hold him until help arrives, so Booster Gold just walks over and asks Guy to give him his ring, like that’s something that would ever work even if he hadn’t just killed a dude. Booster doesn’t manage to persuade him, even with his terrible robot suit.
QP: Seriously. If he wouldn’t give it to Kilowog, he’s definitely not giving it to Booster, who he kind of hates.
DN: Booster’s helmet is made specifically to show off his perm.
QP: Just so terrible.
TGH: Seriously, is nobody ever going to attack from above?
QP: I mean, his old costume left his head exposed, since his “armor” was basically just a pair of ski goggles, but at least he didn’t look like someone jammed a toaster on his face.
DN: There are some hella bad 90’s outfits. Goddamn Booster, look in a mirror.
TGH: Wonder Woman and Jay Garrick Flash show up, and for the fastest person there, Jay sure does let Guy hit him in the back pretty easily.
QP: Meanwhile, Captain Atom freezes in his best Greg Land tits-and-ass cover pose to shoot Guy with a laser beam. Or whatever it is that he shoots.
TGH: Seriously, that’s the sexiest pose in this entire comic filled with lady heroes.
DN: Who are the two people behind Captain Atom?
DN: Like just flying monochrome Feds?
QP: I guess. He says something earlier about getting the government involved.
TGH: Sadly Clone Guy is made of stone and not completely distracted by Captain Atom’s atomically perfect ass.
QP: Fortunately, he is distracted just long enough to get sniped in the back by The Ray.
TGH: This issue is just a showcase of every character ever, because now The Ray takes a shot at him. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen this guy before.
QP: I literally only know him from Heroclix.
DN: We are at the point in the 90’s where DC was super big on The Ray, so naturally he does pretty well against Guy.
QP: That is a character trying so hard to be Johnny Storm, it’s not even funny.
DN: The Ray and Kyle Rayner were both DC’s desperate attempts at a Peter Parker.
TGH: We get some weird exposition from Clone Guy, like the writers forgot it wasn’t actually Guy and we needed to know what he was thinking.
QP: Well of course. He’s also cloned the Exposition Warrior powers.
TGH: I guess it does ultimately serve a purpose in that it lets us know how awesome The Ray is. Gotta move those comics. He’s new to this game, but also the best one there. Original character, do not steal.
QP: The Ray the Hedgehog.
DN: His series made it 2 years. Not bad for the 90’s.
QP: Not as good as Guy Gardner, tho, amirite?
DN: Not by a long shot.
TGH: The Ray is of course only stopped by his own amazing powers turned back on him.
QP: Meanwhile, Max Lord is confused, and no one will tell him what is going on. This is a continuing theme throughout this story, and I approve wholeheartedly.
DN: Maxima, Bloodwhatever and Booster finally just go whole hog on Guy and take him down.
TGH: Captain Atom wants to actually try Guy for murder, like a human, but then suddenly Actual Guy Gardner shows up and demands that he be handed to him for some reason instead.
TGH: This brings us into the actual issue of Guy Gardner, which conveniently starts on the very line that the Justice League issue ended on.
QP: All the while, no one thinks to take Clone Guy’s ring, literally the only source of his powers. Surely that will not come back to bite them in the ass.
TGH: Seriously, he’s unconscious. This story would be over right now. You don’t even have to give it back to real Guy.
QP: Everyone is happy except for Guy, and who even cares if he’s happy?
TGH: Nope, better leave it on him in case we need to kill 20 more pages (we do).
QP: Who needs plot when you’ve got fighting?
TGH: Which is pretty much all Guy Gardner #15 is only with slightly worse art.
QP: The art is worse than Booster’s fake Iron Man costume.
DN: Guy ignores the good captain and shoots his evil unconscious clone into the city. Because we need more collateral damage.
TGH: Why in the hell shoot him away from you instead of, again, taking your ring back? This fight doesn’t even need to keep happening.
QP: And yet!
DN: Here we are.
TGH: Everyone decides that only the real Guy is this much of a moron, which is a nice way to deflect blame for how this story is going.
QP: Not even kidding. That’s how they come to believe he’s the real Guy.
TGH: Wonder Woman could use her lasso on him, but fuck it, the writers just wanted to write that sentence about her lasso.
QP: Max Lord is still confused. Bless him.
DN: “C’mon Leaguers, we’re going on a Guy hunt.”
QP: What is “Unintentional taglines for gay porn movie posters,” Alex?
DN: Correct. $400 dollars to you.
TGH: Maxima carries Guy around while he tells us all about what we’ve been reading for 4 issues, in case someone reading Justice League was really interested in picking up Guy Gardner now.
DN: Ah, the desperate crossover cash grab. I hate you, the 90’s.
TGH: The rest of the heroes, including Gun Person attack Clone Guy at once, but it doesn’t work this time. Gun Man does however have one line that gives us a glimpse into who he is: “Uh!”
QP: I believe that is actually a Gun Lady.
TGH: It’s the 90’s, so really that hair tells me nothing.
DN: Wicked shades, whatever gender.
QP: Clone Guy launches them into a school bus that appears to be full of children, because he’s a hero.
TGH: That could’ve been either Guy, really. I guess the process worked perfectly.
QP: True facts. Thankfully, The Ray is here to be a real American hero.
TGH: The Ray gives it his best shot for a whole page, then gets hit in the back by Guy’s beams and they both warp to street level.
QP: That page is confusing as all get out. Like, how did Guy get behind him? They never show that at all. He looks like he’s still shooting at him and then all of a sudden he gets hit.
DN: Maybe he just had the constructs fire from behind him?
TGH: I think they bounced off the skyscraper.
QP: Is that what happened?
DN: Your guess is as good as mine.
TGH: You have to read between the art.
DN: Anywho, Maxima is the most intelligent one on the team and drops Guy onto a rooftop instead of letting him fight.
TGH: Then she just stands in front of Clone Guy’s shield and punches it. I guess she only had one good idea in her that day.
QP: While Wonder Woman I guess flies up underneath him from the sewer?
QP: Not really sure how she got down there, but in any case, she removes the entire chunk of street that he’s standing on.
TGH: Yeah, she just grabs the ground under him and hurls it.
QP: Which dazes him for a moment. A moment in which no one storms up and takes his ring.
DN: And then Clone Guy goes full Rutger Hauer from Blade Runner and starts monologuing.
TGH: Clone Guy is suddenly all emo as fuck.
QP: I would be too if I saw that panel of Maxima and Wonder Woman’s faces. Yeesh.
TGH: Maxima wants to kill it, despite everyone fighting him over that exact thing.
QP: Well they do at least debate if the clone is really human first.
TGH: Clone Guy gets a cheap shot on Wonder Woman and Maxima while they argue, then Real Guy gets a cheap shot on Clone Guy. This is the longest fight ever.
QP: Guy stops to stare longingly at his ring. During which time, again, no one goes and takes it back.
TGH: He should’ve just shot the damn hand off.
QP: No, this was before Geoff Johns.
DN: No unnecessary amputations. For now.
QP: And then, somehow, despite the fact that Guy was staring at the ring, Clone Guy still sneaks up on him.
TGH: Shockingly, Clone Guy gets up and shoves Real Guy off a building. With a ring hand instead of his real hand, almost mockingly, since Guy has had probably five chances to take it from him by this point.
DN: Beetle saves Guy in a flying Cadillac.
TGH: P.S. Beetle has a flying car.
QP: But not before turning clone Guy’s face into a bad knockoff Picasso painting. Why are his eyebrows. Why.
TGH: Such art.
DN: It’s just amazingly inconsistent.
TGH: Guy shoots Clone Guy yet again, but not in the face or anything. Just in the Comics Code-approved chest region.
QP: Guy shoots the clone from the Beetle car, blasting him across town. I mean, presumably. They don’t show it on page.
TGH: He comes back at them from across town, so I guess we’re meant to fill in the blanks. Guy makes Beetle stand still and play chicken with Clone Guy, in a set of panels that just makes me wish I were reading a Blue Beetle comic instead.
QP: It might’ve been funny if that were the case.
DN: That is what a bowl cut going Mach 1 looks like I guess.
TGH: Luckily both Real and Clone Guy are dumb enough to fly right into a gun aimed at them, so Clone Guy gets hit once more, and teleported away.
QP: Presumably Guy had the ability to do this the entire time, yet A) didn’t tell anyone he could and B) waited until the fourth or fifth time he took a shot at the clone to do it. Good plan, asshole. You trashed New York and got the entire Justice League whooped.
TGH: His very first shot while everyone had him restrained at the beginning of the issue could’ve teleported him instead of shooting him across town! Aaaargh!
QP: Guy is the WORST hero.
DN: So you’re saying there’s a few holes in this issue?
QP: One or two little ones.
TGH: Despite Guy telling the Lanterns to piss off last issue, they are all in on the plan and get Guy’s ring back to him.
QP: Not giving it back to the Guardians, which I feel like should at least get them a demotion.
TGH: Hey Clone Guy, remember that memory you have of being abducted and immediately breaking out of that yellow field which has no power over you? No? Okay. Like, how did he not just murder everyone on that ship right away?
QP: Yet another tiny plot hole.
TGH: They don’t even have their rings. Just tongs from the ship’s fireplace with which to grab his ring.
QP: And then they teleport it precisely back into Guy’s hand.
TGH: After all of this nonstop fighting we finally get to the best part of this story. Guy finally sits down and explains the entire series of events to the Justice League. And NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. This is the best possible ending to a Guy Gardner comic ever.
DN: Like they don’t even have two fucks to rub together about Guy’s space shenanigans.
TGH: Max Lord is actually furious that he had to listen to this story.
QP: Max Lord, still confused, just does a Picard facepalm in the background. I’m mostly impressed that they decided what this book needed was a single page talking head spread to try and plug all the leaky plot holes.
TGH: Wonder Woman is so bored that her hips begin to defy all time and space.
DN: Oh Jesus her spine.
TGH: So this month’s letters are read by Clone Guy, which is at least a nice change of pace.
QP: It’s only marginally noticeable.
DN: One guy has opinions that are wrong about Sally so to hell with that person.
QP: Oh God, yeah. John Hutton, wherever you are: you were wrong. Are wrong. That kind of wrong never dies.
TGH: Someone wrote fan fiction about Guy’s kid and we get to discover that Clone Guy wears condoms, so that’s in my brain forever now.
DN: Somebody fan casts Dennis Leary as Guy. I’d see that movie.
TGH: Warren Beatty kind of is Sinestro, so that works.
TGH: Jim Moore of Toms River, NJ sure does hate women!
QP: Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick.
DN: Wow. They printed that.
QP: With praise from Clone Guy.
TGH: “Clone Guy” approves wholeheartedly!
TGH: Charles Brown, hot off his insulting letter from last issue, sent like 20 more letters this month. He’s really going for that 16th minute of fame with all he’s got.
QP: That dude has a Guy-skin suit somewhere.
TGH: I hope Clone Guy called the cops at least.
DN: What in the name of the 90s is going on in that next issue box?
QP: It’s like Cable and Deathstroke had a parallel universe love child.
TGH: I’m sure he’ll be a major player in the DC landscape.
DN: He probably has a miniseries.
QP: At the very least.
90’s Ad Showcase:
DN: I just remembered Clay Fighter and how stoked I was for that as a boy. It wasn’t very good.
TGH: I don’t think I ever played it. The one on the N64 is super rare though. Probably also not very good.
QP: That is not a very compelling advertisement.
TGH: Gotta love red text over all sorts of colors
QP: Is it supposed to be a claymation game?
DN: Kinda sorta. It was low-rent Tim Burton meets Street Fighter 2.
QP: Was this pre- or post-Grim Fandango?
DN: Look, I played all the Street Fighter knockoffs. Primal Rage let you play a King Kong who peed on opponents.
QP: Yeah, but that one I’ve at least heard of.
TGH: I played a game called I think Ballz that was just characters made of shitty 3D spheres.
DN: I recall that one.
TGH: Not like hundreds of spheres. More like 10. So just 2 for each leg, arm, etc. Very creative.
DN: Props to Addams Family Values for being not the worst sequel.
QP: So I rewatched the Addams Family movie recently, and I have to say, it has really held up over the years. I haven’t rewatched the sequel lately, so I cannot speak to that.
DN: Wednesday is pretty great, the rest of the flick, not so much.
TGH: I haven’t thought much about those movies since I was a kid. They really tried to make The Addams Family a thing for a while there, with the cartoon and I think a newer live-action show.
QP: They also rebooted The Munsters in the 90’s as well.
TGH: This was I think maybe early 2000’s when they tried this show.
DN: The old show was a Nick at Nite favorite of mine. But I love John Astin.
TGH: The second-best Riddler.
QP: Robocop vs. Terminator sounds like a game I’m glad I missed out on.
DN: You are correct.
TGH: Screenshots so tiny it HAS to be good!
QP: Looks like basically the same art from that crappy Terminator game a few issues ago.
TGH: I like the drawing of the gun with the slow-ass bullet coming out of it. That’s how guns fire in the Mushroom Kingdom.
QP: In my personal headcanon, that bullet is going “wheeee!” as it’s being fired from that gun.
DN: A vertical Looney Tunes spread. Choices!
QP: I played the hell out of that Speedy Gonzales game. But it was also one of the very few Game Boy games we had for a long time.
TGH: Rabbit Rampage was really fun. Taz-Mania, merely okay.
QP: I am disappointed I did not own that Marvin the Martian game.
DN: I remember the Looney Tunes Game Boy game being difficult.
TGH: Next week, I really hope everyone is still staring at Guy for half an issue.
QP: Wonder Woman’s spine has actually shattered and everyone is still too dumbfounded by Guy’s story to notice.
TGH: The last panel is Max’s head exploding.
DN: How much longer do we have to deal with Dixon?
TGH: An issue or two I believe. I assure you, it only gets worse after him.
TGH: You’ll soon be begging for Dixon.