TGH: Welcome back, faithful readers, to another exciting Guy Gardner adventure. Last week Chuck Dixon took over and started a story about Guy having his memories stolen by aliens, which gives him a chance to rewrite Guy as a remotely sympathetic character.
DN: Chuck Dixon. DC fill-in writer extraordinaire.
TGH: Will this make for better stories?
QP: Survey says: no.
TGH: The story opens with Guy straight-up killing the DC universe, so I’m going to go with yes!
QP: Well fine then.
TGH: Of course, this is Guy’s joyful fantasy of what his evil clone will do one he’s unleashed on Earth, which is pretty dickish. But hey, what a way to open the issue.
DN: Dude murders Batman, Flash, Blue Beetle and two Green lanterns and then makes out with Ice. Sociopath says what? Oh and Hawkman, but who cares?
QP: Also, isn’t Earth’s Mightiest Mortal Captain Marvel/Shazam/whatever we’re calling him these days’ tagline?
DN: I have no current clue.
TGH: I like that Guy’s only objection to his clone is not that he’s going to murder everyone, but that he might engage in some intercourse with Ice, who he hates anyway. Hell, the clone might even be respectful towards her, which simply cannot stand.
QP: “Making time with my girl, that I definitely don’t want, and will not attempt to get back once this is over.”
DN: Meanwhile, actual Guy is hanging out with some very poorly designed Green Lanterns. Fat monkey, poor man’s Ming the Merciless, ROBOT and space crocodile.
TGH: His Lantern friends tell Guy not to worry so much, because the Draal might not be sending the clone to murder everyone (but he will definitely impregnate Ice). Do these guys ever show up anywhere else? Can we even tell, considering how many times they change designs on everyone?
DN: I am unfamiliar with these four, so they might be throwaways.
QP: Graf is somehow involved with the whole Hal Jordan/Parallax thing, so he does at least show up again, per the DC wiki. He dies. And comes back. Hashtag comics.
DN: He must be part of one of Hal’s murder montages.
TGH: Fucking Jordan.
QP: Everyone in the DC Universe dies and then comes back. The end.
QP: The hentai aliens collect Guy for some more memory recording, or whatever it is they do.
TGH: Guy manages to not get zapped in the neck for once, and instead opts for both nipples simultaneously. I bet that hurt like hell.
QP: Cosmic purple nurple.
DN: Damnit, you beat me to that one.
TGH: The comic repeats last month’s beats, showing Guy getting dragged to his table and getting super hot and bothered by his naked clone again. I bet someone drew an alternate ending to this storyline back in the ’90s. Thank God the Internet was not quite big enough for it to circulate.
QP: It’s out there on some fanfic repository I’m sure. Guy’s one of those dudes with a looking-at-myself-in-the-mirror fetish, I’m guessing.
DN: The Patrick Bateman. “Guy flexed and smiled to himself in the mirror as he thrust–“nope can’t do it.
TGH: Guy eventually gets facefucked back to when he was 13, and invented the George Michael Bluth method of catching a football.
DN: Why are he and his brother gingers and their dad is a mob boss pastiche?
QP: I believe their mom is also a ginger.
TGH: His dad is kind of a blob of recessive genes with Mace’s face.
DN: “Dad, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Ok, you look tall enough to drink.”
TGH: Guy just said he was in high school. Come on dad. Mace gets the arm from his dad at least, since he flicks that cigarette 100 feet over to Guy.
QP: Mace tells his dad he wants to be a cop instead of going to college to play ball.
TGH: Although the artist has never seen a bottle of beer before.
QP: Rather than beating the dogshit out of him like Guy expects, he’s proud of him.
TGH: Guy is super disappointed that Mace is not beaten halfway to death.
QP: So clearly having no idea what his father values in a human being, Guy decides to put all his energy into becoming an electrical engineer.
TGH: Guy focuses his energy on a science project, which is a very non-Guy thing to do. I expected him to immediately become an asshole.
DN: Guy Gardner, science fair warrior.
QP: Guy comes home late one night after working on his project, only to discover that his brother is smoking pot. And clearly liable to become a raging murderous psycho any second!
TGH: Mace is in possession of a marijuana cigarette! Might as well be shooting heroin.
QP: They kinda write the scene out like that’s what he’s doing.
DN: Mace is in the throes of some major paranoia.
QP: That pot is clearly laced with something.
TGH: Guy confronts Mace and Mace freaks the fuck out as a result of the mind-altering drugs. I’m surprised he isn’t gorging himself on entire hams from the deadly munchie symptoms.
QP: Doritos probably hadn’t been invented yet.
TGH: Guy decides not to tell his dad, even though it would make him feel better if everyone in the house was being abused.
QP: Guy is really obsessed with getting his brother beat up.
DN: Guy’s dad gets fired from drinking on the job, once again out of bottles that look like comically enlarged Bawls energy drinks.
TGH: Got fired for drinking. Better drink!
DN: Alcohol is technically a solution!
TGH: Guy comes home proud of himself for getting an A on his project, and runs afoul of his dad and his shitty mood.
QP: His dad knocks his project to the ground, smashing it, and then beats Guy for making him break it.
TGH: He almost felt bad for like a second, but instead of having some self-reflection, he goes in the complete opposite direction!
QP: Pulled a real 360 there.
TGH: Guy almost blurts out that Mace experimented with the worst drugs the world has to offer, but holds it in yet again.
QP: Aaaaaand we’re back to space prison.
TGH: Present Guy considers himself a jerk for not ruining his brother’s life, so clearly there is more to this story.
DN: Guy comes up with 12% of a plan.
QP: Unfortunately, it involves Robolantern going along with it…and he is definitely not down.
QP: Guy wants Robolantern to short out the energy field that’s keeping them locked up.
TGH: Guy pisses Lanternbot off (I’m assuming on purpose) and a fight ensues.
DN: Fat Canadian monkey rips the robots head off, and is very apologetic.
QP: The hentai aliens come break up the action, and Guy gets sent back to the memory hole for his troubles.
TGH: Guy gets it to the neck again, Everything is back to normal.
QP: In this memory, Guy is joyriding in a stolen pink Cadillac.
TGH: NOW he’s an asshole.
QP: So either it’s a memory or a time warp to an Outkast song. Guy’s decided that if he can’t make his dad proud of him, then he could give two shits about it. Which would be fair were it not for the grand theft auto.
TGH: A thrilling chase ensues between Guy and the cops. Guy hears a voice in the back seat: present-day Guy Gardner! Guy apparently decided to use the same willpower that let him control his ring remotely to alter his own memories, which is actually a pretty good plan if he does something with it.
QP: Dollars to donuts says he doesn’t, though.
DN: Yeah, pretty bad track record with the whole self-improvement thing.
TGH: I guess we will find out next issue!
QP: David Rodriguez does not have nice things to say about Guy.
QP: Someone else asks Guy if he listens to either Stern or Imus, and he seems a skosh offended by the question. Which is odd, I’d think either would be right up his alley.
DN: Guy makes a Waco joke, kinda.
TGH: John Sigmon spends way too much time talking about dialects in comic books and in real life.
QP: John Sigmon sounds like me watching a Hollywood “southern” accent.
TGH: Also some dude loses his shit over Guy’s “dead Superman” joke regarding his incorrectly-drawn foot
QP: Guy makes a related Weekend at Bernie’s joke about Superman.
DN: I would have been delighted if the Justice League had tried that to cover up Doomsday killing him.
QP: Just picturing Superman doing the Bernie now.
QP: Someone writes a Penthouse letter about Black Canary and accidentally sends it in to Guy Gardner instead.
TGH: Yeah, Jesus. Didn’t need to hear about that guy’s very specific fetish.
QP: Guy is also a bit put off. Just a bit.
DN: Jesus how did I miss that the first go around?
QP: Probably your brain turned off. I wish mine had.
DN: That is incredibly specific. I’m going to go bleach my brain now.
QP: Let’s also not forget that someone saw fit to send this in to what, at the time, was still considered entertainment for kids. And also that DC saw fit to print it.
TGH: It’s tickling! It’s super innocent! Oh…oh wait…
QP: Someone asks why he doesn’t just tell his ring to translate Korugarian to English. And Guy gives the least self-aware response ever. Stupid Sinestro, expecting everyone to learn his home language.
90’s Ad Showcase:
TGH: Mortal Monday draws ever closer.
DN: Which I would not be allowed to play until Mortal Several Years From Then.
QP: Look at all the white dudes.
TGH: I bet the Game Boy version was the definitive one.
QP: I actually played that version. It was not great.
DN: An honest to God ad for the worst candy ever.
QP: What? Spree isn’t that bad.
DN: Not a fan.
QP: It’s just a candy-coated Sweet Tart. This ad is pretty stupid though.
TGH: I’ve only had Spree a few times in my youth. Seemed perfectly fine to me. In fairness, I will eat pretty much anything.
TGH: The Mile High Comics dollar sale is nothing spectacular until you notice that they’re already selling an issue of Guy Gardner Reborn for $1!
QP: Such an investment.
DN: Kelly Jones has a tentative grasp on anatomy in this Knightfall ad.
QP: A much better grasp on pouches though.
TGH: That’s a pretty awful drawing.
QP: Not sure why Bane’s abs are made of gravel.
TGH: I don’t know how many push-ups you have to do to get muscle tumors on your sides.
QP: And Batman has developed some rib gills.
TGH: And a really high crotch.
QP: Not really sure what’s going on with his lower body.
DN: Ah, Azbats, you were the worst. Fun fact: Joe Quesada designed that outfit.
QP: I guess I’m not really surprised by that. Would’ve guessed Liefeld just looking at it, though.
DN: Yeah, Quesada is a good artist but a terrible designer. Look up Ash by him and Palmiotti in the 90’s.
QP: Is that dude a super powered fire fighter?
TGH: Ugh, fuck the 90’s.
QP: My God. WHY DOES HE NEED WOLVERINE CLAWS?
DN: To fight fire, duh.
TGH: Fire is weak to slash attacks.
TGH: DC Universe reverted to it’s normal form this month after being completely awful last issue.
QP: Even though they recycled the “How To Draw” joke.
TGH: They made fun of recycling it, therefore it’s okay!
QP: There is not one, but TWO quizzes in this installment. One seems to involve spoilers for future issues of Guy Gardner.
TGH: Not to spoil anything too badly, but question five of the Guy quiz has two correct answers technically. I can’t blame the writers of that quiz for not anticipating the batshit to come, though. Also, I hope the “match the editors to the assistants” quiz is a joke, because how in the hell would you know that?
TGH: Props to the dated Lois and Clark joke in the margin.
TGH: I guess it was still on the air at that point though.
QP: Still better than all the jokes in this column last issue.
TGH: Apparently DC had an office in NC at some point.
QP: With Wieringo!
DN: I forgot Wieringo did Flash. Might have to do some long box digging.
QP: I knew he did Impulse, did he do Wally Flash too?
DN: Must have been during the Waid run? Yup, 12 issues of Waid Flash run.
QP: Makes sense. I may need to hunt that down, that sounds like a dream team. *pours one out for Ringo* *and Bart*
DN: Yeah, he was a true loss. That guy was amazing. Also get their Fantastic Four run if you haven’t already read it.
QP: It’s featured on Marvel Unlimited right now.
DN: It’s pretty much the best.
QP: Wrapping up the ads this issue, the hardcover novelization of the Death of Superman.
TGH: Oh man, I bet that was an exciting read.
QP: Which I’m sure will turn out to be as much of a wise investment as everything else to come out of the 90’s.
TGH: You can buy it on Amazon for ONE CENT.
QP: Sounds like a steal.
TGH: You can also buy the kid version of the story where Superman is beaten to death.
QP: “And then Space Jesus was murdered by an alien rock monster. Pray to Rao that this doesn’t happen to you.”
DN: To be fair, Greg Rucka did a novelization of No Man’s Land that is supposed to be very good.
TGH: Yeah, doing the Amazon search came up with a bunch of comic book novelizations, a medium that I was completely unaware of. I would definitely buy one for one penny and see what the deal was.
QP: Please do, and then write us an 8th grade book report.
TGH: One of these days, maybe.
QP: Next issue: Guy discovers this is actually a group intervention for his anger management issues.
TGH: Guy ruins the timeline and comes back as Guy Garner: Death Row Inmate.
QP: And his dad is dead, and his mom is married to casino magnate Hal Jordan.
DN: Yeah, I was just going to make a bad Guy on Guy joke, so let’s wrap it up.
TGH: Well okay then.