TGH: Welcome back to another exciting issue of Guy Gardner! Last time, Guy ended up on a planet at war, but it turned out that some invisible Medusa guys were behind it all. Now everyone Guy knows wants to kill him, though I’m not sure if that’s part of the plan or just a side effect of being Guy Gardner.
QP: Little of Column A, little of Column B. The issue starts with a healthy dose of everyone kicking guy’s ass, which is always a delight.
TGH: Boodikka starts beating him up immediately, but that’s what they were doing right up to the end of the last issue, so besides Guy saying something, nothing is out of the ordinary until the gold guy start firing at him, but even then Guy punched him at least once in the last issue.
TGH: Then Fat Guy inflates in top of him, but he was also punched by Guy.
QP: Everyone has a good reason to kick Guy’s ass.
TGH: Guy finally looks into Fat Guy’s eyes and can tell he’s been hypnotized, thanks to the inker. Well that clears everything up.
QP: He’s either hypnotized or has had way too much coke.
TGH: Guy’s able to easily get away from everyone but Boodikka, who he manages to hide from by burrowing underground with his Loony Tunes ring. Luckily Boodikka does not also have a ring that can do anything, or he’d be in some real trouble.
QP: He then gets lost on his way to Albuquerque. He pops back up to discover the Medusa dudes, who realize that he’s not being brainwashed.
QP: The Medusas appear to be surrounded by a force field, which Guy can’t break through, no matter how many times he decides to slam into it at full speed.
TGH: I could read an entire issue of Guy slamming into the force field to no avail over and over again. Sadly we only get two pages of it.
QP: Meanwhile the Medusa heads are rambling on about manifesting their destinies all over the cosmos. Which I guess means the Medusas are the white people of the universe.
TGH: Guy thought that was a great idea for Americans when they slaved and murdered their way to the west coast, but these aliens are not American, and therefore must be stopped.
QP: I’m choosing to believe this is satire on the writer’s part. After Guy bounces off the force field yet again, he decides to head to the giant flaming city for help.
TGH: One of the Servbots decided to talk some sense into everyone and was now of course trapped and about to die. Guy actually manages to save him.
QP: which makes roughly his third act of heroism in this series so far.
TGH: Guy even manages to do what his entire team failed to do last issue and capture a single Chewbacca for questioning. He uses his ring to de-brainwash him even.
QP: Chewbacca has tons of information about the species of Medusa invaders. Basically, someone invaded the Medusas’ planet of religious zealots, so they decided their religion needed a little more genocide. It’s like if you gave Westboro Baptist a military.
TGH: He exposits for quite a while about their plan to wipe out everyone in the universe. Also about how they were warned in advance by a space dog who watched his planet blow up.
TGH: Then he ended up killing himself. Shit got dark for a minute there.
TGH: Guy blindly promises to fix everything while having the least convincing face ever.
QP: Then finally gets around to de-brainwashing Boodikka which is literally the first thing he should’ve done once he figured out he could do it.
TGH: Guy just kind of leaves the other two there, because really, screw those guys.
QP: They are pretty useless.
TGH: Guy grabs Boodikka and slams the two of them into his third force field of the issue.
TGH: The ship begins to leave, and Guy plans to follow it and wipe out their entire planet, continuing the cycle forever, like a real human being, and a real hero.
QP: The Medusaheads take off, leading to possibly the stupidest chase in the history of comics. Guy and Boodikka keep up with them, and comment that, well, their rings let them fly as fast as they can will.
QP: But then! The ship starts to get away from them! Which is impossible, because they can fly as fast as they can imagine. Which of course can only mean the ship is flying faster than they can imagine. SO JUST WILL YOUR RINGS TO FLY THAT FAST. GOD. Like, clearly, you can see that the ship is going that fast, and I sure don’t buy that either of them is a physics wiz enough to know what speed is “unimaginable” for them. UGH. /rant
TGH: Well, instead of all that, they decide that the easier thing to do is to somehow use their rings to meld their wills together or something.
QP: Imagine me throwing my hands up and walking away in disgust, because that’s how i feel about this plot twist.
TGH: Something tells me that’s a first, and probably the last time they ever try that, even though that should really make for some invincible Green Lantern teams.
QP: I will give them a skosh of credit, tho, because the page of them mind-melding is pretty great looking. Like, if someone had told Jack Kirby the premise and given him two minutes to draw the page. It is two minutes of Jack Kirby good.
TGH: The plan works like a charm, and they fly into the spaceship so hard that it explodes.
TGH: With some almost Kirby debris.
TGH: So the ship is destroyed, but they have no idea where the aliens come from, so it’s kind of a wash for now.
QP: Oh well, I’m sure those guys have learned their lesson and won’t totally come back ever.
TGH: Meanwhile, Team Useless is deciding how best to kill some non-brainwashed Chewbaccas while hiding from them.
QP: Despite the Servbot’s protestations.
TGH: The Wookiees do not want to fight, but instead just want to fork over a ton of money since I guess they understand what’s happening now and are in charge of the treasury.
QP: Maybe 7 devos is like, pocket change to them. “Thanks for un-brainwashing us, here’s a dollar to go away.”
TGH: In any case, it’s enough to pay for Guy’s ring debt, so Guy does the only thing he knows how and quits, because the writers are getting tired of this Gardners of the Universe plotline.
QP: And Guy fucks off back to Earth, because the brainwashing invader aliens will definitely never make it that far to be a bother again.
TGH: Boodikka reports to the Guardians, and reminds them that Guy still has an extremely dangerous weapon that he stole from them.
QP: The Guardians decide that getting the ring from Guy isn’t such a big deal after all.
TGH: Since the Guardians are okay with Guy having Sinestro’s ring, I guess they can drop that plotline too.
QP: Who needs narrative through-lines? Not Guy Gardner, that’s who.
TGH: That’s the end of the issue. Guy quits everything, the Guardians quit everything, the universe-destroying aliens are still out there somewhere and the writers threaten Guy Year One.
QP: God knows we’ve all been dying for an origin issue.
TGH: A lot of longass letters this time.
QP: Some guy spends waaaay too much brainpower analyzing Guy Gardner #4.
TGH: Another guy explains in detail why this is a better depiction of Guy than in Justice League, which is bullshit.
QP: Someone rightly requests more G’nort in their comics.
QP: And then another jerk wants Guy to kick poor G’nort in the head.
TGH: John Stewart tries to sneak a letter in, but Guy catches it.
QP: John Stewart the letter writer gives Guy a lot more credit than he’s willing to take apparently.
TGH: Apparently Chuck Dixon takes over writing for Guy Gardner next month. I guess Knightfall earned him a “promotion.”
QP: Yeeeeah, that must be it.
90’s Ad Showcase:
QP: Oh look, Six Flags, back before they shoehorned DC superhero rides into every park.
TGH: There’s a Batmobile there. It’s happening.
QP: “No matter where you live or travel, there’s a Six Flags near you! Unless you live anywhere between Dallas and LA, in which case, fuck you.”
TGH: Clearly Six Flags does not count the Midwest for anything.
QP: Also I can verify that I grew up no where near a Six Flags, and I was even pretty firmly on the east coast.
TGH: I don’t think the Atari Lynx can claim to be the most fun you can hold in your hands while the Game Boy existed.
QP: Did you ever play one?
TGH: No, but I don’t think I’m alone.
QP: But you don’t really know. It could’ve been the greatest ever. More fun than you’ve ever had in your life.
TGH: Could be. Maybe one day I’ll know true joy.
QP: A two-page spread for the Batman Returns SNES game.
TGH: DC’s not holding back this time. The SNES game was actually not bad I think. I borrowed it from a friend and didn’t hate it at least.
QP: That’s really all you can ask for in a video game.
QP: DC Universe update gives us the scoop on a Lobo movie that surely would not have been the worst most ninetiesest thing ever.
TGH: That would’ve been right up there with the Nic Cage Superman movie, no doubt.
QP: Hulk Hogan would’ve played Lobo.
TGH: There could’ve been a tie-in film with Lobo, Superman and Steel. They could’ve ushered in the superhero movie craze that Marvel didn’t see for another decade.
QP: That’s crazy. The American public would never go for that.
TGH: Sadly, only Steel made it through the gate.
QP: God, I forgot they actually made that. SHAAAAAAQ!
TGH: Shaq could’ve been the Robert Downey Jr. of their universe
QP: I have to say, it’s kinda neat that DC used to do a monthly feature about what all the creators were up to. It’s also bizarre that there was a time when Katharine Immonen was just Stuart Immonen’s wife and not a household name.
TGH: Barqtoos. The thing I saw a lot of ads for, but never drank Barqs, and therefore never had any.
QP: I had so many.
TGH: I wanted some, but I was denied.
QP: I’m pretty sure i had a snake and dagger Barqtoo that i was not allowed to wear to school. Which sucked because it was the coolest.
TGH: We didn’t drink fancy name-brand soda.
QP: That’s the only one I really remember.
TGH: Also I don’t think I liked root beer much as a kid.
TGH: They should bring them back.
QP: Guy grows up on the mean streets of Baltimore and gets really surly about the Orioles!
TGH: Next week: Guy Gardner Year One! In which we find out that Guy’s family is perfectly fine and he is a complete jackass for no reason.
QP:That sounds more like it.
TGH: Special guest star: substitute teacher Hal Jordan.