TGH: Welcome to the legitimate Issue #1 of this series, in which Guy Gardner is now tougher than ever! Even when he’s running from goons and being shot in the back with lasers!
QP: Guy starts out his new adventure by waxing poetical about his dreams of freedom and power…while utterly destroying Black Hand’s massage parlor.
DN: And, y’know, Times Square…
QP: Wanton property destruction like he’s in a Zack Snyder flick.
TGH: After almost doing so many things in space to get that ring, his first order of business as a hero is just to harp on that damn massage parlor forever. Black Hand’s not even there anymore, it’s just a mini-boss with the building’s plumbing system as a weapon.
DN: He beats the mini-boss thanks to the throb of ring power. Just eww.
QP: Watch your entendres there, Guy.
TGH: Yeah, he’s been thinking about that one for a while, I bet. Then he talks shit on Superman like he’s on his level even a little.
QP: Guy spends the first four pages of the book just smashing stuff and blowing hot air.
TGH: He throws up the Guy signal, terrifying a man with a hot dog. This is all a good use of his powers.
QP: Everyone in New York has hot dogs all the time, of course.
DN: We didn’t spend 150 pages getting that power ring for nothin’!
TGH: The local news runs a report about Guy leveling an entire city block, and while Officer Joe Paterno thinks he’s a menace, the Justice League doesn’t treat him as having the same threat level as, say, Black Hand, who I’m pretty sure never leveled a city block.
QP: And would have at least made a mildly amusing pun while doing so.
TGH: Superman yells at Guy, then Guy threatens to go to City Hall and kill a bunch of liberals.
QP: That would’ve been news to Giuliani, I’m sure.
DN: That Guy. So macho.
QP: Meanwhile, Ice tries to break it up, and since Guy has never had an introspective bone in his body, decides she’s against him. Which in fairness, I think most people would be.
DN: Ice is once again dumped for showing logic and compassion.
TGH: Guy opens the door to show her his adoring public, made up of at least 50% people telling him to go fuck himself.
QP: I’m legitimately not sure who the audience is supposed to agree with here.
TGH: Props to the the person who made the GUY MAN! sign.
DN: At least one leotard clad woman would also wanna have his baaaa-by.
QP: Now I have “What A Man” stuck in my head so thanks for that.
TGH: A bunch of ladies climb all over Guy, pissing Ice off. Then she is immediately devastated because that’s how abusive relationships work.
QP: In his defense, Guy does at least look like he’s conflicted about dumping Ice for the third? fourth? time so far in this book. Until he’s approached by a PR agent who is definitely not gonna turn out to be an alien in a skin suit.
DN: Toad from X-men comes to offer his services as a press agent.
TGH: Not-Alien tells Guy to stop wasting his time with these spandex chippies, which might be the line of the issue.
DN: Then he prevents Guy from murdering a protester.
QP: That would’ve really hurt Guy’s branding.
TGH: Fucking liberals, always want stuff given to the masses or whatever the hell.
QP: Dude literally tuts Guy.
TGH: Not-Alien does the only heroic thing in the issue.
QP: Was Flock of Seagulls still a thing in 1992? Otherwise I can’t figure out his hair.
TGH: Flock of Seagulls is always a thing forever.
QP: Fair enough.
TGH: Guy and Not-Alien plan Guy’s hero strategy, which seems to just involve cage matches against other heroes and not helping anyone ever.
QP: The 90’s in a nutshell. Not-Alien gives Guy a quote for his services, which, of course, is a lot. Especially when Guy doesn’t actually have any money.
TGH: Guy’s just a poor man living in Alphabet City. Which, TRAGICALLY, the Wikipedia article on Alphabet City fails to mention. Sure, in X-Men, District X is there, but what about Guy, you bastards?
QP: Time to make a revision.
TGH: Also, why isn’t Guy a character in Rent?
DN: I would pay for front row tickets to that show.
TGH: Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred punches
Five hundred twenty five thousand porn shops to smash
QP: Not-Alien promises to make Guy rich, because that’s what altruism and heroism is all about.
TGH: Guy declares that being rich is not what being a hero is about, but then decides to do it anyway, then uses his ring to make a dollar sign in case we weren’t actually reading his words.
DN: And a green dollar sign, somehow?
TGH: I think the colorist was confused. Meanwhile, the crowd is still standing there, listening to him talk to himself about his finances.
QP: And two shadowy figures lurk in the background, plotting!
TGH: They found the crud, that’s for sure.
QP: Crud is a good descriptor for Guy.
DN: Meanwhile, on the Watchtower, Superman tries to pass the Guy problem off on Hal Jordan.
QP: It is kinda his fault.
TGH: Seriously, this is actually entirely Hal’s fault.
QP: Flash tells Superman a story for no other reason than to make us go pick up several Green Lantern and Flash back issues.
TGH: No thanks, buddy!
DN: I mean, it does sound like a pretty boss story though. Apes and a talking dog? I’m in.
QP: Then Flash reminds us that Hal is kind of a sleeze with the ladies.
TGH: Hal is roused from the couch with the promise of getting laid, but then has to deal with Superman instead. Hal quickly thinks of a way to also pass this problem onto somebody else. So he tattles to the Guardians.
QP: Who pretty much already knew this was gonna happen.
TGH: Hal seems like the kind of person who would tattle to someone by waiting until they’re asleep and then mind-blasting into the room, screaming “MASTERS!!!!”
TGH: “Gah! Hal Jordan’s head! Do you need us to stop Guy?”
“God damn it.”
DN: Basically nobody wants to deal with Guy’s shit so hopefully Kilowog can talk some sense into him. Sorry, Kilowog.
QP: The Guardians pull Kilowog from training, because a couple of city blocks in NYC is way more important than policing the entire universe.
TGH: “Kilowog, remember when you let this happen? Go talk to Guy and hopefully don’t be suckered into listening to him like last time.”
DN: Back on Earth, Guy uses his power ring to eat pizza, drink a beer and look at a titty mag at the same time.
TGH: I guess you have to tear your apartment down now, you fucking hypocrite!
QP: Oooooh burn. Fortunately, someone else comes to knock it down for him. Specifically, two dollar bin Ben Grimm action figures.
TGH: Thoom and Boom are at it again, I guess. Luckily, Guy gives us some exposition, since nobody knows who they are.
QP: This book should be called Guy Gardner: Exposition Warrior.
TGH: I guess the third guy is Buk-50, which is not a good name. Better buy some GL comics to learn about him! Guy spends so much time on exposition that Buk-50 gets to walk right up and punch him in the head.
QP: Exposition is dangerous, man.
DN: It’s like the hero’s monologuing.
QP: Thoom and Boom basically tell Guy they’ve been paid to come attack him. Unfortunately, Guy is not an inquisitive fella, and decides he’d rather just punch them than ask questions. All with a really lame horse racing metaphor.
TGH: Fuck this mystery!
QP: Also, seriously Guy, these jokers are not the triple crown of anything, let alone of superhero fights.
TGH: The Grimms go down pretty fast, and Guy is about to hit Buk-50 in the face, when suddenly his ring stops working! He starts yelling at the ring to make him powerful, which is how the green ones work.
QP: Sinestro’s ring apparently doesn’t have the handy little battery percentage voice.
TGH: Buk-50 gets the idea that something’s wrong because Guy won’t shut up, and instead of bluffing, Guy goes ahead and explains how ring charging works.
DN: So hopefully the next issue is just guy getting jacked by Thing 1, Thing 2 and Buk-50.
TGH: I think it’s worth mentioning that this fight would be over if Guy hadn’t gone back to Times Square.
QP: Yeah, he kinda blew his wad there.
THG: So 100 pages of crap and one issue later, Guy has no powers. Now he’s tougher than ever!
QP: I want my money back.
TGH: Tune in next issue, where Guy dies.
QP: The end.
TGH: There never were more issues. It was an elaborate prank. The short box is empty now.
DN: Guy answers his own letters column! One of the letters makes a request for Guy’s hooker friend to become a recurring character!
QP: It’s nice to see that not much has changed since 1992. Also a person who is really enraged that Guy Gardner Reborn was even created. Because how dare DC put all of his least favorite things in one comic and make him buy it (that is literally his argument)!
DN: Dude gets poetical though. “Fighting crime allows him to vent his spleen without getting tossed in jail.”
QP: Fair assessment of facts.
TGH: Guy of course tells him to go to hell. I hope he writes back every month, pissed that he was once again suckered into buying another issue.
QP: One can only hope.
90’s Ad Showcase:
QP: Let’s talk about cow ad.
TGH: Yeah, the Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest ad harkens back to a time when nobody knew how to market JRPGs to American consumers. Nowadays, all you have to say is “A new JRPG, everyone!”
QP: Thank god for the tiny print at the bottom of the page tells you what this is for. Kinda. If you already know what a “Final Fantasy” is.
DN: To be fair, Mystic Quest is a pile of manure
TGH: Even Final Fantasy 6 had weird-ass ads though. I think it took until Final Fantasy 7 for anyone to be confident that you could actually show them the game and they’d buy it. At this time they had to show you cows and hope you were kind of stupid.
DN: There’s the page with all the mail in ads. I miss these so much. 20 dollar jet pack, anyone?
QP: I was looking at that. What a brilliant scam.
TGH: I wonder if they still sell prehistoric poop.
QP: God I hope so. And of course, a friendly reminder of your pending mortality.
TGH: Whatever, I’ve got five more years than before. That’s pretty much forever. I do like that you can learn to draw your own comics from several sources for less money than the Guy Gardner Reborn trilogy cost.
QP: The ad for the “Rock The Vote” CD looks like rejected Alice in Chains cover art. Featuring bands that almost no one cares about now that we had Nirvana.
TGH: That album is a who’s who of “who?”
QP: “$1 of every sale goes to voter registration drives.” Didn’t CDs cost $30 back then?
DN: The recording industry are real givers.
DN: No joke, I kinda miss the subscription service. My aunt gifted me Spider-Man for like 3 years. It was during the 90s so it was all garbage but still.
QP: If I could just get comics in my mailbox, life would be so much easier. Can we blame Diamond for this? I’m blaming Diamond.
DN: Yes, blame Diamond.
QP: DIAMOOOOOND! It’s both a threat and a menace.