TGH: Welcome back to the greatest story ever told! Last time, Major Force shoved some Guy’s mom’s neighbor into a fridge and got his ass kicked with the help of Kyle Raynor. But now things have gone south as Militia and his Misfits (this is canon now) showed up to slow them down! Prepare for what will no-doubt be the greatest fight in comics history! We’re treated to an alter-universe cover where Kyle is about to murder Major Force and Guy is running at him. Kyle is smart and does not do the deed right in front of Lincoln. He moves sneakily to the side. I actually have to hand it to Gardner’s cover for having more imaginative weapons, instead of the two swords that are phoned in here.
QP: I think the cover from Guy’s issue was drawn by a different artist, so maybe that’s the difference. At least Kyle’s sword has a little lantern on it, in case you forgot who he was.
TGH: So the issue opens from Kyle’s perspective, which makes sense being that it’s his book, and it turns out he was too busy punching the everloving shit out of Major Force to even notice Militia come into the room.
QP: Poor Militia. Literally nobody cares about him but Guy.
TGH: Fortunately for the two of them, Militia still has the worst aim ever, as he’s been firing at the ground in front of his feet this entire time. And his Misfit crew now includes all of Daft Punk and a bunch of sad hat guys. They probably had to order like 100 of those hats to get a good deal, in fairness.
QP: Oh my God, what if Daft Punk got the idea for their helmets from this comic?
DN: That would be the saddest origin story.
TGH: I’m just going to accept it as the truth and start bringing it up at parties until it spreads.
QP: Kyle puts up a sandbag barrier, while neither of them pays any attention to Major Force running the fuck away.
DN: Kyle notices, kinda.
QP: Guy has to explain Militia’s origins because literally no one who reads Green Lantern also reads Guy Gardner: Warrior.
TGH: At least they can admit it. Guy has some very supple lips in that panel.
QP: Also, Militia gets a new terrible logo.
DN: It’s convoluted enough to warrant that big a panel.
QP: And it keeps going for another half a page.
TGH: Kyle told us about his dead girlfriend in like one panel. This was a full page of Guy’s life story. Doesn’t seem fair.
QP: Some people have tidy origin stories. Others have five origin reboots in the space of 28 issues.
TGH: He doesn’t even get into the whole alien sex ring part of his story before Kyle reminds him that they need to do goddamn something here.
QP: Guy calls dibs on kicking Militia’s ass, and they get back to the fighting part of the story.
TGH: They jump over the sandbags and make sure to fire over everyone’s heads.
QP: Every single person in this comic would be an A+ Stormtrooper.
TGH: The next few panels suggest that Kyle never actually landed and just flew around in a jumping pose, shooting everyone.
QP: Then he turns into Iron Man. Hulkbuster, specifically.
DN: One of Kyle’s many manga robots.
QP: Guy appeals to Mace that they’re family, so maybe he could stop trying to kill him. Mace refuses, because of course he does, so Guy fires him into the ceiling, which makes the swimming pool on the roof start leaking.
TGH: I like that they definitely came into the building from the roof, but now it’s underwater or something.
QP: Oh wait no, they’re just somehow underneath the Reflecting Pool even though, yeah, they busted through the ceiling last issue.
TGH: This is the third time the Quorum has ruined the Reflecting Pool. Once was when Militia fell out of a plane and just happened to land in it. These guys need to relocate to a desert or something.
QP: They’re very patriotic, what with their constant destruction of major American landmarks. Specifically, the same one over and over again.
TGH: Guy goes after Militia while Kyle pretty much just fucks around at this point.
DN: He makes a sweet water gun.
QP: Then he makes a sexy lady to knock a Quorum goon over with. Which…does not make a lot of sense, but whatever.
TGH: Maybe that guy has a deadly fear of commitment.
QP: Blowing kisses at someone is definitely the most intense of commitments. Kyle flies up through the hole in the roof to find Guy and Militia punching each other in the middle of the Reflecting Pool, which somehow still has water in it.
TGH: Guy murders Mace, then feels really bad about that thing he just did on purpose.
QP: Mace has been hit with a truck once already, but getting punched really hard is what finally did him in.
DN: But no, it turns out the Quorum wasted millions of dollars to construct a Militia-bot.
TGH: Man, if they could just build Militia robots, what the hell do they need Mace for? What did they need him for ever??? You don’t even have to pay a Militia-bot and it wouldn’t throw a fit when things went south.
QP: Good point. Why do you need any of these Hu-mon chucklefucks when you can build a fucking robot army?
DN: The Quorum is the worst clandestine organization in comics.
QP: This is the straw that finally breaks the Vuldarian camel’s back, and sends Guy off to find his brother.
TGH: Meanwhile, we find out that useless flesh-sack Mace Gardner is being held in the lab by Honey, who left him for dead that one time but now loves him, because sure, why not?
QP: Women, amirite?
TGH: Then Major Force come crashing through the wall and slaps her. Have any of these assholes heard of doors?
QP: Major Force scoops up Mace, because I guess Mace can salvage the operation even while in a coma? I guess he’s more powerful than we imagined.
TGH: Was that giant chest plate on him in the hospital? I feel like that’s new. The Quorum practices their own special brand of medicine.
QP: No, all he had on his chest was Dementor’s gaping maw.
TGH: Oh yeah, I guess that could leave a mark.
QP: Major Force holds Mace at…fist point, I guess? And tells Kyle to give him the ring or he’ll kill Mace. I don’t exactly understand why he went after Guy’s mom if this was all about getting a power ring, but whatevs.
DN: Major Force tries to take Kyle’s ring a number of times, all the way into Hal coming back.
QP: Ah. I guess his ring is just collateral damage in this incident then.
TGH: Watching a bunch of testosterone-fueled hotheads negotiate a hostage situation is like watching a train wreck.
QP: Fortunately, Honey is there to smash a large piece of equipment into the back of Major Force’s head.
TGH: So then Major Force just destroys Mace’s chest thing. Good job there, Honey. I expected that of you least of all.
QP: Oh, is that what’s going on in that panel? I literally could not tell.
DN: Yeah I couldn’t tell what he was smashing.
QP: I guess if you look a page and a half later, you can see that the chest thing is wrecked. If you noticed the least interesting thing going on in that panel, anyway.
TGH: Major Force gets a cheap hit in on Guy, but then Kyle hits him with a tiny truck. Which, frankly, is amazing.
QP: That tiny truck has the proportional strength of an ant, though.
TGH: Kyle restrains Major Force, which, I dunno, should been the very first thing you did?
QP: The wishing ring only works when it’s convenient to the plot.
TGH: Or is it like Pokemon where you have to beat them down a bit to restrain them properly? Knock the will out of them. With a tiny truck.
QP: Which Pokemon has the tiny truck powers again?
QP: So Kyle gets all hardcore and holds that stupid energy sword from the cover to Major Force’s throat. He’s totes gonna kill him, for real this time.
DN: But Kyle cannot, for he is a true hero.
QP: And also a real human being.
DN: Now that’s going to be stuck in my head.
QP: You’re welcome! So Kyle drops Major Force and walks off, saying he can’t be a killer.
TGH: We all learned a valuable lesson on being a true hero from this. Right up until Guy cuts Major Force’s damn throat open right there in front of God and everyone.
QP: Guy can’t even use a normal sword, he’s gotta use one of those ridiculous ones they sell at the Renaissance Faire.
TGH: He’s so proud of himself, just standing there with his hands on his hips like after a hard day at the factory. Also Mace died, but whatever.
DN: His dead brother is right there!
QP: Eh, he found him. That’s all he was really trying to do. He certainly never said he was gonna *save* Mace.
DN: I mean, who would bother?
QP: He was kind of a jackass. And he’d just try to kill Guy again if he could.
TGH: Meanwhile, Robert Quorum sits in a room somewhere and decides that the Quorum is over now because he keeps hiring idiots. The entire organization is run by an old man wearing shades indoors, and all of their information is contained in one file folder on his desk. I almost expect this guy to have been watching a snow globe the entire time.
QP: Come on, that folder had 200 floppy disks’ worth of information in it.
DN: Well he couldn’t have a nice office after they spent all the money on the Militia-bot.
TGH: They should’ve patented that technology. Now there’s Militia-bots on every corner.
QP: Fortunate that everything in that file was printed on flash paper. That could’ve been a really bad fire.
QP: And back at the Lincoln Memorial, where nothing good ever happens, Guy and Kyle have a Real Serious Talk about why they did or did not kill Major Force.
TGH: Kyle and Guy have a much colder departure than Guy and Steel, despite their adventure being way more personal and actually mattering.
QP: Not really sure how I feel about Kyle being pretty okay that Guy killed Major Force.
DN: It was still fairly early in his superheroing.
QP: Like, you guys had beaten him into submission. Keep him in a ring lock-up and call the Justice League to haul him off to Blackgate or something.
TGH: Guy did make sure to blame him for not stopping him, so he’d totally go to jail too if he ratted Guy out!
QP: I’m sure that’s how it works.
DN: Major Force comes back like a dozen more times.
QP: You can’t ever really try anyone for murder in a comic book. I think the victim would have to actually stay dead first.
TGH: The issue effectively ends with Guy having a stupid line about being a Warrior and walking away while Kyle thinks about what it takes to be a hero.
DN: While looking at the Lincoln statue.
TGH: Then some epilogues, but they’re not related to us, so screw it! Also some letters, but not our problem!
QP: Aw, I was halfway curious if they’re as bad as the ones in not-Guy-Talk.
TGH: I do like the Ringside image.
QP: It’d make more sense if Kyle had been a boxer before becoming a Green Lantern.
TGH: Eh, nobody reads them anyway. Now that Guy’s brother is dead, will he spend some time reflecting on these events? Will he ever call his mom and tell her that she has no home to return to? No, of course not, his bar is opening next time, remember? Tune in next week as we continue to pretend Mace never existed!
’90s Ad Showcase:
TGH: NBA Jam: Tournament Edition! I’m pretty sure they used the exact same ad from before but slipped TE on the side there.
QP: I was gonna say, I thought we covered this months ago.
TGH: It took me a minute to even realize.
QP: Legends of the World’s Finest looks like every other thing Dan Brereton’s ever worked on, except nobody has a soul patch. I’m surprised he didn’t put soul patch armor on Batman’s cowl like he did in Thrillkiller.
TGH: I haven’t seen such a dead patch in DC’s ads in at least a few months. Maybe he has a soul unibrow.
QP: Oh God, probably.
DN: It’s almost completely DC ads in here.
QP: Yeah, it’s all industry ads, NBA Jam, and Clearasil, which is just hanging on like a dingleberry.
TGH: Someone tricked them into signing a 60-month contract.
DN: I will say I want to read Psyba Rats just because of the title.
QP: That looks like some kind of weird amputee fetish fanfiction.
TGH: Need hard data fast, baby? DN’s best friend is writing it.
QP: It boots up in February. I bet it’s a bad Reboot knock off. Although a bad Reboot knock off would probably be 10x better than whatever it actually turned out to be.
TGH: It’s only a 3-issue series, so whatever it is, it’s at least contained.
DN: And it’s a Bloodlines spin-off.
QP: So it’s vampire amputee fetish fanfic? That’s getting a bit convoluted.
TGH: They should reboot that today. There’s a market.
DN: It’s blade limb lady and two generic hacker dudes.
QP: Hack the planet.
DN: One of the hackers is named Reginald Hackman.
TGH: His path was set from the beginning. Thank God the Internet was invented.
QP: Next time: Kyle has a change of heart and tells the rest of the Justice League what Guy did.
TGH: Superman is appalled that anyone would take a life for any reason.
QP: Superman would never ever do that. Ever. EVER. Not even if some dumb director didn’t think he was hardcore enough.
TGH: Guy’s bar opens and in the middle of the evening the chef tells him that they’re out of mace. Guy excuses himself to his room and finally cries for 20 pages.
QP: Finally, once and for all, Guy confirms that he’s never gonna be the butt-kicker God meant him to be.
TGH: The rest of the series is just Guy working a bunch of boring jobs.
DN: Guy Gardner: Barista.
QP: Guy Gardner: Courier.
TGH: Guy Gardner: Intern.