TGH: Welcome once again to Extreme Justice! Last time, Captain Atom proposed to Plastique, in the most unasked-for comic pairing since The Yazz and anyone who isn’t me. I’m wondering how long they can drag this engagement out, but judging by this cover of this issue, it looks like we’re already jumping to the kinky as hell bachelor party!
DN: Yaaaaaay. Also, we get the Wonder twins, which nobody asked for in the history of everything ever.
TGH: “Touch of power, touch of PAIN <3” is absolutely something a dom would scream at you.
DN: I’d pay extra.
QP: Is Wonder Twincest DC canon? Because this cover seems to imply as much.
TGH: Where exactly are those tentacle fingers going?
DN: Firestorm’s pooper, by the looks of it.
BW: That is some highly poorly placed Kirby Krackle behind not the Dude Wonder Twin’s head. I honestly thought he had a man bun.
QP: Getting in on the man bun before it was cool. Wonder Twipster.
TGH: The issue starts with Captain Atom, furious that they’ve started without him.
QP: He paid extra for the twin strippers, dammit.
TGH: In reality, he is angrily flying into space, which is where he goes to relax. Angrily.
QP: Even when he’s meditating he looks pissed.
DN: It’s his secret place where he goes to embrace his specialness. No, really.
BW: And to showcase his really really sharp cheekbones. I’m pretty sure you could split an atom on those things.
DN: God damn it.
TGH: This is where he contemplates things, but not in a way that tells a good story, like Dr. Manhattan, a better version of his character, but rather to just say really obvious exposition, like a ’90s DC character.
QP: It’s particularly stupid exposition, too. His skin catches fire when he reenters Earth’s atmosphere. No shit, son.
TGH: This is not a particularly compelling opening, but I’m sure it helped get all of the hardcore Wonder Twins fans up to speed now that they’re on board this month.
QP: Elsewhere, a spaceship crash lands in a desert, nearly killing a rodent. Scintillating stuff, this.
TGH: A rodent in peril. The stakes have never been higher! Some people come out and start speaking gibberish, which I’m sure saved the writers some time this month.
TGH: Meanwhile (by DC Comics time-measurement standards), Maxima is having a bad dream. All kinds of shit going on so far.
QP: Maxima has some overdue books but it looks like Burgess Meredith already beat her to the library.
BW: A scene of great devastation! Fire! Destruction! Babies with no eyes!
QP: I guess on Almerac they store babies at the library.
BW: Only the talking babies.
DN: Good thing we know where the library is. Because there’s a sign. In English.
TGH: I wonder how the Great Library of Almerac stacks up against the Great Library of Earth? DC Comics still thinks that planets are the size of the ones in Super Mario Galaxy.
BW: It doesn’t have recordings of Happy Days so how great can it be?
QP: Probably has fewer old men looking at porn on the free computers tho.
TGH: Maybe that’s how Almerac was destroyed. “I was the last baby! Then free porn happened!”
DN: I don’t think many atrocities are started while masturbating.
TGH: Many great atrocities were walked in on.
QP: But how many atrocities has masturbation prevented?
BW: Was the baby a dictator?
DN: Speaking of walked in on, Amazing-Man comes to check on Maxima post nightmare. In his boxers.
QP: Those are some amazing boxers.
TGH: I need some hieroglyphic underpants. Maxima is put off by his intrusion but is then immediately down to fuck.
QP: Yeah, but that’s every day for her.
BW: Will is just amazed she has sheets.
DN: She then tells him all the black people on her planet are extinct.
BW: That’s what we call a boner killer, Maxima.
QP: Doesn’t keep him from getting all handsy with her bedcovers, though.
DN: Dude likes sheets.
QP: Probably 500 thread count.
TGH: Speaking of boner killers, Plastique comes running in, ruining the moment. Is it the same door that Amazing-Man leaves through? Because it’s closed and pointed in the wrong direction when he goes to leave.
QP: He’s sneaking into the closet for later.
TGH: Maybe every door leads to Maxima’s bedroom. This was her plan.
DN: Has she hit on every member of the team yet?
TGH: Oberon is still waiting.
QP: Well judging by her face in the panel where Amazing Man is leaving, she’s about to put the moves on Plastique. Of course, since she kicks her out next panel, apparently her come-hither face and her die-in-a-fire face are the same.
DN: The whole sequence is an ’80s porn that forgot to get to the sex part.
QP: The bassist didn’t show up for work that day so everyone forgot their cues.
TGH: I don’t know who the hell built this place, but I love that Maxima’s door is wood on one side and metal with a Keep Out sign on the other.
TGH: Meanwhile, Booster is not good at soldering. That is his entire check-in for now.
BW: Is Ronnie now going by RonRay? Did he give himself that nickname? Did the team agree to it?
QP: Ted is about to take us to his woodworking shop and show us how to make a birdhouse.
BW: And Ronnie…RonRay…is going to have sex with everyone’s mom.
TGH: I’m going to have to assume that Ted is developing a bald spot, since that’s the only reason anyone should be wearing all of these damn terrible hats.
QP: Ronnie brags about dating Madonna, and some guys at the bar who are obviously not at all overcompensating for the fact that they are Very Hairy Bears decide to get all macho. Cue two pages of being hella problematic.
DN: And then, Firestorm, an actual superhero, starts a fight with the bears because they MIGHT call him gay. Way to go, the ’90s.
QP: He’s also unbelievably drunk. And maybe barfs up blood? Or maybe it’s a coloring error.
TGH: He vomits, so Ted has to finish the fight by…doing whatever in God’s name that move is called.
QP: With this book, who knows?
BW: The Jazz Hands Surprise.
QP: A split?
TGH: I bet he did one of those super loud, high-pitched karate screams when he did that.
QP: Judo chop!
BW: Did he sound like Jerry Lewis? That’s my canon.
QP: Buck Wargo the bartender tells Ted they need to get the hell out of his bar.
TGH: Back to the Wonder Twins, I guess! Thankfully they’ve translated their language this time, but it’s still written in a way that’s a pain in the ass to read.
QP: If they don’t use Webdings as a font, how are we supposed to know they’re aliens?
TGH: Zan is hungry! Luckily they crash-landed near a convenience store, and not, say, the Pacific Ocean. Also, is there any team of heroes trying to prevent the moon from crashing into the Earth currently?
QP: Justice League Detroit is so on it.
DN: Vibe to the rescue.
QP: Some teenagers are in the convenience store and maybe trying to shoplift. In a shocking turn of events, the art isn’t very clear here.
BW: Are they children? Teens? Toothless hillbillies? Who knows?
TGH: Zan and Jayna stumble into the store and immediately get a shotgun to the face because rednecks.
QP: The shoplifting teens are probably thanking their lucky toothless stars right now.
BW: “Free Tab! Sweet!”
TGH: The thing that annoys me about the alien language is that I can almost make out words in it (Zan is clearly saying FOOD in that one panel), so then I try to read it and give myself a headache.
QP: And then, as most people would when they get a rifle pointed at their face, the Twins immediately turn into a werewolf and a water elemental.
TGH: I think the “silent” alarm scared their wonder powers into activating. Form of…a wolf! Shape of…a water.
DN: Congrats, Extreme Justice, you made Zan’s power moderately intimidating.
QP: The sheriff shows up and makes fun of the shopkeeper for freaking out about the aliens, until he realizes his daughter was our wannabe shoplifter. Then it’s his turn to shove a gun in the Twins’ faces. The story of these two kids shoplifting a can of soda was the most efficient storytelling this book has ever done.
TGH: Zan talks, and goddamnit that is NOT what he says, that’s THREE LETTERS, fuck you people.
QP: It’s like that bad Cantonese joke in Wayne’s World.
TGH: Someone throws a grenade at them or something, so they transform again to escape. Form of…a The Yazz! Shape of…a wind. I guess it was pretty humid wind?
QP: That’s two transformations that really don’t work well together.
BW: Meanwhile at Mt. Thunder, an alarm goes off alerting our heroes. Because clearly the Justice League is needed to resolve gas station holdups.
QP: Well it’s not like they had anything better to do, like sleep.
DN: Amazing-Man bitches about being the team secretary, which Captain Atom gives ZERO fucks about.
BW: Sorry, Amazing-Man!
TGH: Amazing-Man thinks they need to hire someone with office skills. What in the hell are they even doing that requires those?
QP: Why is he having to do all the clerical, didn’t they bring Oberon back with them?
DN: Maxima shows up in a crop-top and a thong, because comics.
QP: Ready for warfare!
DN: Cover up as little as possible, female armor.
QP: Her knees are covered, what more do you need?
TGH: The team flies past Ted and Ronnie, who are just getting in from drinking and karate fighting.
QP: Ted has the car on autopilot, which is a technology he should really be keeping to himself.
DN: Thanks for the explanation of why it’s okay that Ted is drunk and in the driver’s seat.
TGH: Meanwhile, Zan and Jayna are attacking some nearby city. Form of…Martian Apehunter! Shape of…a crystal potato!
DN: Crystal Potato is my new band.
QP: Where in the universe do the firebreathing gorillas live?
TGH: The cops have laser guns because of the Comics Code.
BW: I think it’s one of those situations where the artist has no clue what real firearms look like.
DN: Or feet.
TGH: Form of…hair snake! Shape of…I can’t make my arm normal!
QP: Extreme Justice shows up and the cops just start shooting them.
TGH: Amazing-Man is immediately shot by actual bullets and not lasers. Jesus, you assholes.
QP: It’s a real have-your-cake scenario these cops have going. After shooting the team, the cops accuse them of letting the rampaging monsters get away.
TGH: I guess we’re not pretending that Beetle isn’t literally Spider-Man anymore:
QP: Next issue is when he invents the wrist-mounted grappling guns.
TGH: Booster is all mad at Beetle, but because he stopped being his friend and started hanging out with Ronnie because his medical condition is depressing and Booster has to spend every evening alone and sad while the one person he trusts abandoned him and is happy without him. What a petty asshole.
DN: He just has to solder all by himself.
TGH: Jayna manages to hit every single member of the team with her patented Griffin Blast Attack.
QP: It does come out like an energy whirlpool so that’s pretty effective.
DN: Amazing Man makes Hulk jokes? For reasons?
QP: The word smash isn’t trademarked, that’s why.
TGH: I think it’s canon that absorbing the lizard last issue made him larger, even though it was not explained through either the art or dialogue.
QP: Yeah, he’s been the same size this whole time.
DN: He looked pretty big in the first few pages, amiright ladies?
TGH: Atom tells Ronnie not to attack Jayna so he totally does exactly that. Atom’s response is peak Hank Hill.
QP: Maxima is about to start translating when Jayna somehow fireblasts her, even though in the prior panel Maxima was riding her like a pony.
TGH: This is less erotic than it sounds.
QP: Everything in this book is less erotic than it sounds.
DN: Ronnie then careens into Maxima and pukes up the last four hours of drinking. Maxima wants to put him on the Outsiders, which would be a pretty sick burn if you weren’t already a member of Extreme Fucking Justice.
TGH: Beetle-Man tries to catch Zan but also sucks like everyone else.
QP: Come on, Ted, all Zan has going for him is an ice arm. Don’t you have a heat ray or something?
TGH: But then in the very next panel, Beetle is holding Zan again, so I don’t know what I, the reader, am supposed to get out of this exchange.
QP: Brain herpes?
TGH: Then Beetle rips his belt off or something and he disintegrates. Good job, asshole.
BW: Usually they disappear before Beetle rips their clothes off, so it’s an improvement.
TGH: “It was an accident. I swear. I didn’t think it would kill him.” YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME!
QP: This is what safewords are for, Beetle.
QP: Jayna sees this and then has a small meltdown and rips off her belt, too.
TGH: Extreme Justice doesn’t know this, but they’re not dead at all, just transported to some moon somewhere. You can tell the guy keeping them prisoner is evil because his belt is made out of barbed wire.
BW: Probably better this way. Sure, they’re being tortured on the moon, but if they hang out with Extreme Justice they’ll get killed.
TGH: Or at the very least puked on.
QP: The puking is a definite.
BW: RonRay, ladies and gentlemen.
DN: Some snake dude is very emphatic about where his flesh driver is. Could be his penis, find out next issue.
TGH: If Zan didn’t respond to “where is my Jrxan Flesh-Driver” with “in my pants” then he deserves to die right here.
QP: This has been the porniest issue of this comic so far, and that includes the issue where Booster watched actual porn.
TGH: Will Extreme Justice save Zan and Jayna from the trouble that they themselves got them into? Will Beetle atone for what he thinks is the murder of an innocent person? Will Bette leave Atom once and for all? Tune in next time, when…wait…what is this?
TGH: Oh, God. Underworld Unleashed? No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
BW: Underworld Unleashed…that’s a euphemism for Jrxan Flesh-Driver, right?
DN: I’m going to cram my Jrxan Flesh Driver into your Underworld Unleashed. Wow that sounds gross.
QP: Even that’s still less erotic than it sounds.