TGH: Welcome once again to the never-ending journey of life and love that is Extreme Justice! Last time, Plastique had a bachelorette party, but the writers were mandated to include an Underworld Unleashed storyline, so the party ended up just being about Carol Ferris aka Star Sapphire, a person that nobody was friends with or even cared about. Separated from Carol and super pregnant, Star Sapphire has no choice but to straight up cut Maxima in half, further drawing attention away from Plastique and the actual event in her honor. Will she get any attention this issue? Will a new artist take over for the second half of this story, making things unnecessarily difficult to follow? Let’s find out!
DN: This issue is just a fucking turd mess of a comic book.
QP: I feel like Plastique is well within her rights to go full Bridezilla at this point.
TGH: Whoever drew giving birth as Kirby cracking out of her belly needs a real talking to.
BW: The Centurion on the cover is DONE taking people’s crap.
TGH: I don’t know who that guy is, and I know that the stuff on his lenses is supposed to be reflection on a flat surface, but it looks to me like he’s got bug eyes.
DN: The issue opens with a blind child turning into a lizard man who then jumps out a window. Because that’s following up on the CLIFFHANGER where Maxima was fucking bisected. Thanks guys.
TGH: Seriously, it’s amazing how they’ve managed to make this story LESS about Extreme Justice.
QP: Just wait. Next issue will be about Wonder Man saving a kitten from a tree.
DN: Then Firestorm and Amazing-man are getting ready to Netflix and chill when Maxima bursts in with an intact torso. So, I have no idea what is fucking going on.
TGH: Firestorm complains about being crowded and Amazing-Man claims that he was there first, so Firestorm willingly cuddled right in there. Also where can I buy a cardboard box of fries?
BW: It’d be less “cozy” if both dudes weren’t man spreading, but…
TGH: I wouldn’t be surprised if the artist of this issue went on to design Marvel’s Superhero Squad.
DN: Ronnie Raymond does not understand that “lingerie show” is not a part of a bridal shower…
BW: That’s not part of a EVENT FOR FEMALES?
QP: Or that “lingerie show” doesn’t really exist outside of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.
DN: He also gets no transformation sequence, so I really hope this isn’t your first issue of a comic book.
TGH: New readers will just briefly wonder where Cuddles McWhinesalot went before moving on.
QP: Back at the bachelorette party, the action has somehow moved out of the bathroom that everything else took place in last issue.
TGH: Nobody read the script for the last issue. Including last issue’s team.
BW: Can you blame them?
TGH: I’m pretty sure this book is a textbook example of phoning it in. Maxima is somehow back in her dress. This crime scene has been tampered with.
QP: In fairness, half the ladies are wearing completely different outfits than last issue. Editorial is still on vacation.
TGH: Much like at Mount Thunder, they had not been hired yet.
BW: I view it as an improvement. Mostly due to the fact we’re getting actual cartooning and not a Spine Off.
DN: Ehhh Icemaiden is pretty spiney.
TGH: The Asian restaurant owner has completed his transition to a redneck white dude.
QP: The super-buff stripper is now a scraggly naked guy.
DN: And is wondering where his clothes are. Dude, you’re a stripper.
QP: They’re probably in the cake, duh.
DN: Carol Ferris has turned into Lydia from the Beetlejuice cartoon.
QP: And someone who is presumably Black Canary has suddenly shown up. They never name her, tho, and she’s a brunette, so really, your guess is as good as mine there.
TGH: Star Sapphire is mad that she can’t choose when to give birth now. SS, sit down, I have some facts I need to tell you about child birth.
DN: I wish to one day be angry enough to make the face Star Sapphire is pulling, though.
QP: She looks like she just drank from the fake Holy Grail. The artist occasionally forgets to draw Star Sapphire as pregnant.
TGH: For example, when Plastique blasts the baby right out of her, but only for a second.
QP: She gives them shit for attacking her when she’s “obviously” pregnant, too.
TGH: She then retaliates by giving us a delightful pregnant ass shot. I-I don’t know that they’re giving this occasion the respect it deserves.
BW: Thongs = respect.
QP: New from the creators of Bum Fights, it’s Preggo Fights!
BW: Is that a PPV event?
QP: Direct to VHS, I’m sure.
DN: What the hell is wrong with Maxima’s face? She didn’t get cut in her face, but it’s melting.
TGH: Plastique looks at Maxima’s rotting face and regrets all the shit talk she’s been involved in. Just so much shit.
QP: To be fair, she kinda started it by trying to steal her man.
BW: Boy is she going to be surprised in a few minutes.
TGH: She regrets calling her a melty-faced tramp who was probably going to be cut in half with that useless armor.
BW: Shoop shoop!
QP: The bar owner and stripper decide that this is the point at which they should finally get the hell out of there.
TGH: Plastique decides to blow up the entire block, though I guarantee they’ll still be in that damn building a page from now.
QP: Cut to the creepy kid from the first page flying around. Apparently his name is the Predator, and we’re supposed to be shocked by that. I’m frankly not shocked by any stupid thing they try to do in this book anymore, but maybe that’s me.
BW: Is he being pursued by Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura? That would be shocking.
TGH: “No, really,” the book assures us. Okay, I have no idea who the hell that is so I’m not really all that shocked, sorry. He steals another body for some reason, even though it probably won’t even matter, but they wanted to waste a page.
BW: They wanted an escape from this sequence and can you blame them?
QP: What, they couldn’t have just cut to a page of Booster and Firestorm being dicks to each other?
DN: Star Sapphire is handing our team it’s own ass, once again, not drawn as pregnant, like, at all.
TGH: Back at the bar, where they still are as predicted, Fire has a plan to stop Star Sapphire, but Icemaiden is too busy being dead.
QP: They keep drawing her arm kinda conveniently in the way of her belly, but at the same time not enough to hide the fact they didn’t draw her pregnant.
BW: Just one moment — since when is Star Sapphire been shown as a physical powerhouse? We’ve gotten all of zero energy blasts, but two people stabbed with the sword, punches, etc.
QP: Since just right now.
DN: Yeah, the creative team didn’t read her issue of DC Who’s Who.
TGH: Star Sapphire tries to climb back into Carol and they get into a fight. This is some real compelling shit about two characters unrelated to this series.
QP: Star Sapphire puts her hand through Carol’s shoulder at one point, and I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be an act of strength or she just suddenly developed phasing powers.
BW: Suddenly Maxima and Captain Atom are there to save the day. Which I’m not typing ironically, I assure you.
QP: Maxima solves the problem with punches, but Atom is like, no, let’s take a break and talk about this.
TGH: Maxima starts wailing on a pregnant woman, though to be fair, she is absolutely not pregnant in that panel. It turns out that Maxima only astral-projected herself to the bachelorette party because she couldn’t even be arsed to attend it. Is this the creative team declaring that they were forced to write this storyline to cram Underworld Unleashed into it, and even they think it’s stupid and unnecessary? With Maxima not there, literally nobody from this comic was at the party. Plastique must be rethinking her life choices by this point.
BW: Ronnie humble brags about being at the Playboy Mansion, but Will gives zero effs.
TGH: He just really wants to ruin the hell out of that floor.
QP: For some reason, the poor stripper is still there.
DN: Also, hey, Icemaiden isn’t dead!
QP: Well that’s a first.
TGH: Did every issue of Underworld Unleashed take place in a bar?
BW: So far we’re two for two.
TGH: That’s as far as I’m going to check. So yes, 100%.
BW: Having briefly possessed Carol Ferris, Star Sapphire has now been possessed by the ghost of a Scooby Doo villain and calls our heroes “meddlers.”
TGH: There’s more fighting because that’s what these comics fall back on, and Neron makes sure to pop up and start harassing Carol to remind the readers about their deal, in case you only bought this issue and hadn’t set it on fire yet.
BW: Carol shoots him a Bruce Campbell/Army of Darkness, “Yeah, yeah, like in the deal.” look.
QP: And then, despite the fact that she’s clearly been having contractions this whole time, everyone is shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that she’s going into labor.
TGH: Firestorm mentions that beating up a pregnant woman is kind of shitty, and Maxima apparently has no idea what a pregnant person looks like. She just thought she was fat and moaning in pain because of her fatness I guess. Next issue: everyone attends mandatory sex ed.
BW: Clearly piping in the Playboy Channel, did NOT help.
QP: Not unless Playboy has started airing The Miracle of Life, no.
DN: That would kill a boner pretty fast.
QP: But it’s got vaginas in it.
TGH: Star Sapphire enters the Fire Shield stage of the birth, so she must be dilated at about 8 centimeters or so.
QP: Her water doesn’t so much break as explodes.
TGH: She might want to remove those tights before things get real painful real fast. Then she reaches the fertilized egg stage and I have no idea what the hell is going on with this birth anymore. Unfortunately all of the Extreme Justice Sperms have been locked out. Should’ve swum faster!
DN: Captain Atom is like, “my bad, she told me she had this pregnant alien energy under control.”
TGH: “I shouldn’t have hired her, but she’s like a surgeon with that plunger.”
QP: Well it would’ve been a rights violation not to hire her, sooooo…
BW: Apparently Schwarzenegger and Ventura weren’t fast enough as the Predator is approaching the scene of…whatever the hell this is.
TGH: Carol walks right into the Death Egg Zone to watch the birth take place.
QP: Then Predator shows up and we get a glimpse of the darling little bundle of nightmare fuel.
BW: Man, I would NOT want front row tickets to that.
TGH: Way to draw a face behind Carol in that baby panel. Perfectly drawn and not at all terrible. That mouth is not at all a foot to the left of where his head would’ve ended. I’d like to also point out that Predator does not look at all like that asshole on the cover.
DN: Nobody edited this book. Just asleep on the fucking job.
TGH: Now that the baby is born, mom and dad prepare for the final merging stage. Carol is making about the same face as I am right now.
BW: Aka the DA FUQ Stage.
QP: Nobody knows whats going on here, not even the people writing it.
BW: Clearly someone read the highly regrettable “Carol Danvers had a babby that was also the father” story. And liked it.
TGH: Carol decides that this entire plot has reached peak stupid and grabs the baby mid-merge. This causes Star Sapphire and Predator to yell a lot and maybe be defeated?
QP: Sure, we’ve only got a few pages left, why not?
TGH: Honestly I’m lucky that I’ve never experienced a merge breach before. If they had been in a hospital they could’ve gotten a merge section, but being in the middle of nowhere I’m afraid it’s probably fatal.
QP: Then Carol has to make a real Sophie’s choice whether or not to give the hellbaby to Neron or not. Not really sure why she’d want to keep it. Maybe she was having trouble sleeping too much.
BW: It’s not the crying that will keep you awake. It’s that face that’ll do the job. Yikes.
DN: She does not spend a lot of time with this decision, as she hands the baby over to not-Satan.
TGH: His smile before he leaves is pretty reassuring.
TGH: Carol then walks out of the comic forever as the end theme to The Incredible Hulk plays. No, I didn’t skip a page. That is literally the very next panel. The End suddenly!
QP: Since the events of the Underworld Unleashed tie-in for Gardner was so Earth-shattering for the DC Universe, I decided to wiki whatever happens to Star Sapphire’s baby. In case you couldn’t guess, these two issues are both the first reference to Star Sapphire inhabiting Carol’s body, AND the first reference to her being pregnant. And because Underworld Unleashed was possibly the most important crossover event of all time, Neron taking her baby is never referenced in DC continuity again. Good job, guys!
TGH: I’d also like to point out that this story is entirely Amazing-Man’s fault for whining about needing help.
BW: The refried egg rolls probably didn’t help.
QP: How is babby formed? Refried egg rolls.
TGH: Food has been known to trigger alternate identity labor. I think we can all assume that Hei Ho, fastest DJ in the West, was brutally killed. He will be missed.
BW: Hei Ho? Let’s go.
TGH: His copy of ’90s Hits Volume 2 will be retired in his honor.
BW: “RIP Hei Ho. Shoop shoop.”
QP: Didn’t even get to Mr. Bombastic. How sad.
DN: So many dope tracks. Pour one out for Hei Ho.
TGH: Now that this nightmare is out of the way, we return next issue with “The Last Temptation of Booster Gold,” one of DC’s most banned comics. Spoilers: Booster Gold has given into literally every single temptation of the flesh, including ones not invented until the 25th century.
DN: Dare we hope this next issue has a coherent plot and decent art?
BW: Going out on a sturdy limb and guessing that Scorsese had NOTHING to do with producing the next issue of this book.
QP: No, but maybe Alan Smithee.
TGH: Will Booster Gold die like he’s supposed to, saving the soul of man? Will he shirk his responsibilities, dooming mankind in exchange for the chance to live a normal life? Find out next time!