Extreme Justice #10: Sapphire Blues

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TGH: Welcome back, true doom Atomheads, to another magnificent issue of Extreme Justice! Last issue, the Wonder Twins landed on Earth and were almost immediately murdered/kidnapped thanks to this book’s protagonists! How will they ever make things right? Will they make things right? Will they immediately go do something else and not care about it at all (yes)?

QP: Looks like everyone gets a lesson in survival swimming instead.

DN: Oh, good. Underworld Unleashed. Can we run screaming now?

TGH: I’m not 100% sure who to blame for the plot shifting so quickly, since this is an Underworld Unleashed tie-in and who knows what kind of orders came from the top to quickly move the pieces into place. I’m sure it’ll be worth it though! Last time we were introduced to a worm guy who literally vanished from existence several issues later so it can’t exactly get any worse.

DN: I don’t believe you.

QP: The cover promises some biker-babe Star Sapphire action, so that should be entertaining at least.

TGH: Maybe we’ll get an evil Captain Atom clone! Oh wait. Star Sapphire is holding a face, clearly as some sort of early cross-promotion for 1997’s blockbuster Face/Off.

QP: So is she Cage or Travolta in this scenario?

TGH: She kind of looks more Travolta personally.

DN: Le sigh. Was hoping for Cage.

QP: Never wish for Cage. He might be lurking nearby.

DN: Stop making better things than the thing we are reading.

TGH: Face/Off was nominated for a Best Effects Oscar, so I’ve got high hopes for this issue, DC! Onward to adventure! Our issue opens with the League of Evil standing over their prey…oh wait, that’s just Extreme Justice, looking really menacing for some reason.

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QP: Well, they are drooling over what’s left of the Wonder Twins’ ship, so you’re kinda right.

DN: Maxima has perma-’90s-spine. So Liefeldian it’s impossible.

TGH: I guess several hours have passed since the Wonder Twins vanished, so now they’re finally getting geared up for some looting. Beetle is also ready for some sex.

QP: That’s definitely the most high-tech computer that he’s been allowed within 50 yards of.

DN: Also, Maxima claims to have better memory retention than J’onn fucking J’onzz. What?

QP: I have a hard time believing anyone in this book is better at anything that Martian Manhunter. And that includes willpower around Oreos.

DN: Beetle would fuck the shit out of some Oreos.

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TGH: I joke about Beetle fucking this spaceship, but he even admits that it’s too much spaceship for his dick to handle, so clearly this weighs heavily on his mind.

QP: While doing a Spider-Man crouch on top of a truck for reasons.

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TGH: Amazing-Man appears in this issue just in time to almost break it.

QP: For some reason they made him drive a (probably stolen) tow truck to get the ship instead of just hiring a professional.

TGH: Maybe it was in Mount Thunder. If you kill the owners then you’re technically not stealing it.

DN: I..don’t think that’s how law works.

QP: That’s how Atomlaw works.

TGH: I’m sure the writers at DC did some AOL keyword searching.

DN: Well, they had 10 free hours.

QP: I don’t think anyone only had 10 free hours.

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QP: Booster gets cranky and heads back to Mount Thunder, giving Firestorm an opportunity to be a real asshole.

DN: Ronnie Raymond: proof that cancer survivors can be real shitheads, too.

QP: I think it’s possible the cancer was the only thing making him likeable.

TGH: It’s not his fault that Booster has a stick up his Firestorm.

QP: That’s some entendre there.

DN: Maxima has something stuck up her butthole, too!

QP: She’s an alien. You don’t even know if she has a butthole.

DN: This is fair.

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TGH: Anyway, this was the most exciting thing that happened in an entire week, since that’s how far we have to skip before something else of note takes place. One week later, Beetle is in his lab looking at the…cells?…on a piece of the spaceship he’s holding in his hand. I don’t think that’s how science works?

QP: Maybe if you’d gone to Midwestern U, you’d know how science works.

DN: Why would you wear a hoodie over a whole body spandex outfit?

TGH: Midwestern University is a health science education school, so yeah, I would have the very same amount of science knowledge as Beetle if I had gone there.

QP: Whomp whomp.

TGH: “There’s too much ‘osis’ going on there,” is a phrase spoken by someone who has a pharmacy degree.

DN: He spontaneously ejaculates after finding the cells to be regenerative.

QP: There’s a diagram of Booster’s suit next to him when he does. It’s so cute when they try to foreshadow.

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TGH: Meanwhile, Amazing-Man sure is having a thing happen to him!

QP: I like that the part of his shirt that is in no way being strained over muscles is the part that’s shredding.

TGH: Maybe his hands are just really strong now.

QP: At least his pants still fit.

TGH: “Absorbing the lizard things made Amazing-Man larger” is the kind of plot point that could’ve been easily handled with a throwaway line when it happened, but now two issues later they keep bringing it up because they know they didn’t make it clear.

QP: Unfortunately, no one tells him that it’s standard procedure to close your bedroom door when you’re flexing in the mirror like Patrick Bateman, so Maxima walks by and sees it all.

DN: And thus, Maxima’s ovaries grew 3 sizes that day.

TGH: The pose of life-ending anguish as Maxima walks away is a legit great panel.

QP: Stopped clock etc. etc.

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TGH: Then Captain Atom holds a meeting, and this pretty much sums up why this is the worst team ever. Pretty much everyone is an annoying asshole simultaneously. Firestorm makes a shitty movie reference and then Captain Atom starts yelling about the horrors of ‘Nam. This is what the kids want to read.

QP: I doubt there were any kids reading this at all.

TGH: They all died in the napalm attacks if Captain Atom is to be believed. Also I cannot follow the order of anything Plastique is saying.

QP: In fairness, this page is laid out terribly. Plastique makes “fried chicken” and it’s just a whole chicken on a plate.

TGH: You just drop the whole thing in a fryer, right?

QP: Somewhere, Colonel Sanders is spinning in his grave.

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DN: “Where’d you learn to cook?”
“Prison.”

QP: She has explody powers, so great idea to let her near a gas oven or deep fat fryer.

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TGH: Captain Atom starts the meeting, and he basically just called everyone there to tell them that they’re shit and should get better.

QP: Atom starts yelling at everyone about discipline and training, like he, as leader, couldn’t have done anything about that by now. I mean, he probably couldn’t have, because he’s a shitty leader, but still.

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TGH: My favorite part is Beetle enjoying that Yoo Hoo way too much to even give a fuck about whatever Captain Asshat is yelling about.

QP: Is it a Yoo Hoo? I assumed it was just a beer with breakfast.

DN: That is a fucking beer.

TGH: That’s what Beetle calls it anyway.

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DN: Meanwhile, Amazing Man is basically like, “I’m way too smart for your military bullshit.”

TGH: Amazing-Man complains that they’re too busy, but then claims he’s watched an ungodly amount of Jeopardy while on monitor duty, which seems to imply that they’re not actually helping many people.

QP: At least this time everyone chimes in in agreement before Atom can tell him to shut up and get back on the monitor.

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TGH: Atom tells everyone talking quietly to calm down by smashing the table in half.

QP: Leadership!

DN: Best Leader Ever

TGH: The art team and the writing team forgot to talk that day.

BW: Way to kill the Round Table, King Arthur.

TGH: We find out that Oberon apparently quit offscreen, so that’s great.

QP: Oberon’s got more self respect than to put up with Atom’s bullshit. Which says a lot about the rest of the team.

TGH: He’s probably just trapped in one of the raccoon traps scattered around the base. I guess ultimately the meeting agenda turned into complaining that everyone sucked, but then blaming it on having to do work, and Booster volunteering to pay for employees which will somehow make the team suck less. Way to let that meeting get away from you, Atom.

QP: He’d never make it in middle management.

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BW: Art assists in that panel from Artie down the hall. And by that I mean I’ve seen better composition in my Trapper Keeper when I was 12. Wow.

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DN: Apparently, Plastique is relegated to wife/cook status, despite being a super villain with EXPLODO powers…

QP: Making her more useful than half of the team. Plastique realizes she’s basically become the housekeeper for these jackasses, despite the fact that she could almost certainly take them each in a fight. This is the beginning of a Lifetime Original Movie.

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TGH: Then Captain Atom asks Maxima to plan a bachelorette party for Plastique, despite not knowing her at all. That should help the team get better too!

BW: “You’re both girls, you should be friends.” is the entirety of the reason for his request.

QP: Atom has never known any other women before.

TGH: “You two could bond about…lady problems? And that you both love me?”

QP: “You women all talk about your periods or something when you hang out, right? You can just do that.”

DN: To be fair, Maxima loves anything buff with a dick.

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TGH: So despite Booster ponying up the money to hire people, it still takes an entire month to get someone in there for an interview.

BW: Or perhaps a job description. “Carol Ferris AND HER JOB DESCRIPTION” might be the most awkward caption I’ve ever seen.

QP: I like the implication that the writer doesn’t have a clue who Carol Ferris is and didn’t bother to go back and check after he wrote the rough draft of the script. “They told me I have to put her in the book. Who is she again?”

TGH: Also there are clearly a ton of workers there now. Shouldn’t you have hired the manager first and went from there? What the hell is wrong with these people?

QP: Atom is still leading them, that’s what.

TGH: Amazing-Man points out that despite being in charge of running the operation, she is going to need to unclog the many, many shit-filled pipes that haunt the base first.

QP: It’s all those prunes from Booster’s suit.

BW: Callback!

TGH: This base contained an entire neighborhood for its staff. I’m imagining everyone clogging the hell out of a house, moving to the next one and repeating for months until there wasn’t a usable toilet in the place.

DN: I’m betting for a guy who just got gigantic, Amazing-Man has been doing the majority of the clogging.

TGH: Carol mentions that this entire base is garbage, so Amazing-Man says she’s in denial for some reason. Captain Atom knows how to sooth the savage beast: by making her go the Event for Females.

QP: *insert Ferengi pic* I think they had Carol in this book interacting with everyone so the rest of us reading it wouldn’t feel like we were going completely insane. “See, even editorial thinks this team is made of morons.”

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QP: Maxima is put in charge of training the monitor crew, and completely loses her shit over the fact that she has to help.

BW: More so that they don’t understand sarcasm or insults.

TGH: Some poor lady tries to talk to her like a human to no avail. This seems like the setup for an SNL skit.

QP: Lesson learned: never talk to Maxima.

BW: Sounds like an HR issue. Which does also raise the question — does Mt. Thunder Thunder Down Under have an HR department now?

TGH: They’ll hire an HR department last.

QP: Maybe she’s cranky because of the nuclear wedgie someone gave her.

DN: Do you think the wedgie has just become a part of her, by this point?

QP: It has merged with her very being.

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DN: Plastique and Maxima have a spine-off.

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TGH: In the training room, Beetle has actually invented web shooters. It finally happened!

QP: Copyright violation complete!

DN: Booster calls Beetle a Chubbin. Words hurt, you dick.

QP: Are they training or playing douchebag tag?

BW: Apparently chubbin is a synonym for insanely ripped. I think Ted’s abs have a six pack. Yes, his six pack has a six pack.

DN: Yeah, if Beetle was supposed to be fat, nobody informed the art team.

QP: So is that a 12 pack or a 36 pack?

BW: 36 pack. So MANY MUSCLES.

QP: Well we’re still in Liefeldian territory, so it makes sense.

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TGH: Booster and Firestorm are dicks to each other because they both love Beetle, clearly.

QP: This is the saddest love triangle.

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QP: And now, on to the main event, and further proof the creative team doesn’t know any women.

BW: THE NEXT DAY . WEDDING SHOWER. BRING LOTS OF TOWELS. Trumping the prior caption box by a lot in the Terrible Department.

DN: Hey it’s all of Plastique’s friends! Like Fire…and Icemaiden…Who are her friends…I guess…

QP: Are Fire and Icemaiden even friends with Maxima? Does Maxima even have any lady friends? Is Atom okay with allowing JLA trash into his precious compound?

TGH: Icemaiden and Fire are there because Captain Atom forged a note from Maxima inviting them. “Hello, fellow females, it is I, Maxima.”

QP: I appreciate that they don’t bother to introduce any of these other women who show up. Lash! Molly! You’re clearly supervillains, but let’s not bother telling anyone who you are!

TGH: For some reason a guy has to be standing behind one of the women in every panel even though they don’t talk or serve a purpose. Beetle doesn’t even look like he knows what he’s doing there.

QP: The regular readers would put the book down if they had to suffer through feeeeemale shenanigans.

TGH: Oh wait, Beetle is there to cry because 5 females showed up and he had to park five spaces further from his spot and FOR FUCK’S SAKE HE LIVES THERE!

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TGH: Maxima managed to dress in a way that I can’t almost see inside her uterus, so that’s a first.

DN: It’s a tight enough dress you know exactly where it is.

BW: Ice Maiden is wearing mom jorts so clearly there was some miscommunication in regards to whether this was a shower or bachelorette party.

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DN: Maxima carts the group to a country buffet on a truck…Because of the budget? Isn’t Booster funding this bitch with his dot com?

QP: Not just a country buffet, but a country Chinese buffet.

BW: Carol is clearly viewing this as a company function. “Two cocktails and I’m outta here.”

TGH: Is this the same place where Ronnie was called gay and then threw up on everyone? Is every single ’90s DC comic creator just obsessed with the cowboy motif for some reason?

QP: No, I think we’re just that lucky.

BW: “Lucky.” First appearance of fusion food in a mainstream comic? Because salsa verde egg rolls actually sounds pretty good.

DN: You’re wrong.

QP: This is a fusion no one asked for.

TGH: Carol’s plumbing duty is not going to get any easier.

QP: That’s why she looks so pissed off.

TGH: I’ve decided that the writers chose to have everyone at the bar be Asian just to let everyone see that the artist doesn’t know how to draw Asians.

BW: Or hair. Women. Pants.  Anatomy. Basic shapes.

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DN: Hei Ho, fastest DJ in the west…casual racism in the ’90s.

QP: This is painful. More painful than most wedding showers.

BW: Events for Females.

TGH: *Puts in generic ’90s hits CD*

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QP: TIL Fire fucking LOVES RuPaul.

TGH: I want to make fun of the writers for using dated ’90s references but OF COURSE “Supermodel” is Fire’s song.

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DN: Well, Carol is getting through it the smart way. Getting wasted while possibly magic pregnant.

BW: “Death is the only escape, little one.”

TGH: Drink that baby away. “Your honor, I didn’t even know if it was a real child!”

QP: Now for the unexplained continuity bomb…They don’t even tell us what prior issues to read so we have a fucking clue what’s happening. Editorial really shit the bed here.

TGH: Well obviously everyone is reading every issue of everything, right???

QP: Oh of course.

BW: Hell, editorial stopped reading this book months ago.

DN: Editorial doesn’t even¬† know this is still being published.

QP: Editorial drank themselves into a coma to forget.

BW: Doesn’t work for Carol, it won’t work for them.

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QP: Carol is an awfully sweaty drunk.

BW: Drinking beer is hard work in Arizona, apparently.

TGH: Fire is bored now that her song is over, so Maxima requests the appropriate custom for Female Event be activated.

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TGH: Some demon offers Carol her every desire, signified by bar eggrolls.

QP: I’ve seen worse.

TGH: Is that guy supposed to be Asian too?

BW: He has blondish red hair. So maybe?

DN: This bar is run by Asian gingers.

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TGH: So then a gigantic cake is wheeled out and a stripper tosses like 6 feet of it to the ground.

QP: That’s a waste of cake.

TGH: Maybe it was a hollowed out giant novelty plastic cake.

BW: “Somebody left a stripper cake out in the raaaaaain…”

TGH: Carol, having been with Hal Jordan and therefore having no concept of being turned on, complains of a weird vibe upon seeing the stripper.

QP: Poor Carol needs the birds and the bees explained to her.

BW: Fire continues to display her taste in questionable ’90s music by referencing “Shoop” as she sets someone on fire. Nothing says bachelorette party like third degree burns.

TGH: Maybe people with dangerous super powers shouldn’t be allowed to drink.

QP: I don’t think anyone ever referred to it as “shooping” before this issue. It sounds like a grandpa complaint.

DN: All these kids today with their damn shooping.

QP: You kids with your “nintendoing” and your “pokemoning” and your “goproing.”

DN:I just keep seeing Nintendong.

QP: No, that’s just the bootleg Nintendogs knockoff. Pet your dong and feed your dong and keep your dong happy! Play with your dong every day so it doesn’t run away!

DN: …I don’t have that problem.

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TGH: Carol gets tired of all the shooping and runs into the bathroom so a mirror can make fun of her.

BW: With all this going on in the foreground, only Plastique’s little sister notices Carol getting sick on the refried egg rolls.

QP: Goddammit, who was playing Bloody Mary?

DN: Carol decks the mirror, which is not a good idea.

BW: To be fair, the mirror WAS being kind of a dick.

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TGH: Then Neron appears and tries to make a deal with her. Though with wording like “You could be the one that matters…at least to yourself,” he’s fully aware that he only has so much to work with here.

DN: Then he licks her bloody hand, because you really want to come off like a creeper when you’re not-Satan.

BW: Not-Satan or Not Not-Satan?

QP: There’s a few Not-Satans in the DC universe to choose from. Even knowing the whole deal with Carol and Star Sapphire, I’m still pretty lost here, so I can’t imagine how someone who just stumbled into this issue would follow it.

TGH: Neron wants Carol to hand over Star Sapphire’s baby in exchange for separating the two, which seems like an easy enough trade due to the fact that she probably already gave it fetal alcohol syndrome.

QP: Yeah, once they’re sufficiently wasted, they just slip right down the birth canal, like a drunk into a gutter.

BW: ::Clapping::

TGH: Congratulations: it’s a corpse.

QP: Yay!

DN: Good God we’ve said some vile things on here, but JESUS.

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TGH: Neron stabs her with a sword and then Star Sapphire is suddenly crying on the bathroom floor too. I feel like this happens at some point in most bachelorette parties.

QP: Pretty sure it happened at mine. I think. I don’t really remember.

BW: You and the writer of Extreme Justice, apparently.

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TGH: Maxima comes barging in and wills her clothes right the hell off. Props to her for wearing the boots underneath the dress. Even if that’s a complete contradiction to what she’s been wearing in every other panel.

QP: In a continuing theme of We’ve-Never-Seen-A-Woman, “pregnant” Star Sapphire is drawn with a pillow down her front, and then cuts Maxima in half with a sword.

TGH: Not that Maxima’s dress would’ve prevented her from being cut in half, but the dress would’ve certainly provided at least more than a 0% chance of stopping that blade.

QP: If only she wasn’t wearing her federally mandated lady armor, she might have been spared.

BW: And had a midsection bigger than a candy cane.

QP: That’s also a federal mandate.

DN: Damn gov’mint.

BW: Getting in our business. Makin’ our funny book women look all praying mantis like and stuff!

TGH: Now that Maxima has been cut in half, will Martian Manhunter join the team out of spite? Will we be forced to read a extremely detailed comic showing Star Sapphire’s natural birth? Will Fire keep on shooping? Tune in next time!

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