TGH: Welcome, shirtless superhero aficionados, to another issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior! And by that, I mean Action Comics, because they are spreading this story as far across the DC Universe as possible. Last time, Guy had a nonsensical party at his new bar, and then freaked out about something off-screen. This time he is apparently beating the shit out of Superman. I’m sure the story will fill in the blanks at some point!
DN: Guy and mullet Supes are having a pec war on the cover.
QP: They forgot to put in some teal with all the orange.
DN: Warm colors all the way.
TGH: “Guy Gardner Loses It!” is a much better title for this issue than the real title, which is “Crime Tunnel!” I mean, come on. Crime. Tunnel.
QP: OR “When Warriors Strongly Disagree!” Which I think we can all agree may be the worst title of all time.
TGH: That doesn’t make any sense either! God damn it. It’s also part of the “Reign of the Warrior” story, which is the fourth title of this tale.
QP: Jesus Christ, are we starting another stupid crossover arc?
TGH: Oh hell yeah! It’s been, what, one issue since the last one?
DN: Is it at all related to Reign of the Supermen?
TGH: It at least probably tricked collectors into thinking it was.
QP: No doubt.
DN: Dear God.
TGH: Our story begins right where it left off, with Guy taking a cab in Metropolis, looking perfectly normal.
QP: But also freaking out for no reason. And looking suspiciously like Schwarzenegger.
TGH: I imagine he’s been losing his shit for hours as he checked into his flight, sat in his tiny seat, waited for his luggage and called a cab. If he needs to get into the city so bad, then maybe he should be friends with a guy who owns his own helicopter or something.
QP: An excellent point, but if he were to take a helicopter to Superman, he wouldn’t be able to hulk out in the middle of a tunnel.
TGH: Right in the middle of the CRIME TUNNEL! of all places.
DN: He sure does hate cabs.
TGH: Cabs are the enemy.
QP: His transformation sequence thankfully leaves out the tattoos forming from blood that leaks from his eyes that we saw a few issues ago.
TGH: Some cop who reminds us that he’s a cop is stuck in CRIME TUNNEL! when the shit goes down with Guy. Is this a regular Action Comics character? I’ve never seen him in things.
DN: Dan Turpin is an Action regular, maybe?
QP: Yeah, he’s apparently a regular Metropolite.
TGH: I didn’t even know his name, but if that’s who he is then yeah, looks like it.
DN: He’s a Kirby creation, shows up in the Superman animated.
QP: Looks like he featured prominently in Final Crisis.
DN: Guy chokes out some cops.
TGH: Guy’s really straining with his “tear a new nostril in your throat line,” though in fairness he seems to not really have any control over his body, so he might be mildly stressed. Is this what happened at Warriors? Do the writers want to fill us in?
DN: No idea.
QP: Guy looks pretty normal for this to have been what freaked Veronna and Arisia out so much.
TGH: Yeah, it’s not like he’s a cancer mass or anything. They already saw him Warriored out when he fought Lobo.
QP: Wimmins are so sensitive, God. Superman shows up and tries to talk Guy down, which works for about ten seconds before all those Vuldarian genes kick in and make hm decide Superman is an alien threat.
TGH: So Guy’s Vuldarian genes take over his body when there’s a threat? And then his genes are really shitty about deciding what a threat actually is? Wow, the Vuldarians really are the fucking worst.
QP: We’re gonna eventually find out that the Tormocks were doing the universe a favor wiping them out.
TGH: Who cares if the entire planet gets blown up after Guy kills everyone? The Vuldarians live to see another day!
QP: Superman throws Guy through a donut truck, which is kinda funny, since Guy starts screaming at him while covered with Krispy Kreme slime.
TGH: Guy threatens to kill Superman in three seconds. I don’t think the Vuldarians know what they’re up against here.
QP: He does call him a hero, though, which seems to imply that even the Vuldarian genes kinda know they’re wrong.
TGH: And yet they won’t stop Guy from trying to kill Superman while other actual threats exist.
QP: Guy shoots Superman, which works about as well as expected, except he hits a civilian. Good job, Guy.
TGH: Superman stops fucking around and just punts Guy out of his way so he can help the guy.
QP: The injured guy informs Superman that he’s kiiiiiiinda breaking the law driving a truck full of nuclear waste through Metropolis and also P.S. if this tunnel floods, everyone’s gonna die of drinking radioactive water. So maybe don’t let that happen.
TGH: So many crimes in this tunnel. Who can even keep track at this point?
QP: This is what you get for naming it Crime Tunnel. Look what happened back at Crime Alley. Did you really want to replicate that?
TGH: That being said, Guy sure does immediately knock Superman right into the wall, causing the very leak he was trying to avoid. I get that they have to write Superman down to his enemies’ level all the time, but come on.
QP: Guy erupting a gun barrel out of his back is nightmare fuel.
DN: Supes thankfully heat-visions the cracks from opening before getting Warrior-tentacled.
TGH: I love how Superman has to explain everything he’s doing too. He tells himself every step of the process of fixing that wall. He’s worse than Hal Jordan.
QP: This issue is written like a late ’60s Stan Lee joint, and I don’t know if that’s intentional. Guy even sounds like a B-rate Silver Age Marvel villain.
TGH: Meanwhile, Dan, who just stopped some crimes in the tunnel, commits a tunnel crime of his own and steals a motorcycle.
QP: Crime Tunnel! Where everyone is a criminal!
TGH: We dare you to enter Crime Tunnel without leaving a criminal! It’s impossible!
QP: Then he runs Guy over with the motorcycle.
TGH: “Dan Turpin rammed Gardner with a motorcycle! I’m free!” No. Fucking. Shit.
DN: Who can beat Guy? A combover on a dirt bite, that’s who.
QP: Dan tells Superman to ice the perp, and Superman decides to be literal about it, spraying Guy with liquid nitrogen. Fortunately for Superman, Guy formed armor around himself as the liquid nitrogen hit (a thing that Superman totally didn’t know he could do), which saved him from being frozen to death.
TGH: “Neat trick! His body armored over just as the nitrogen hit!” Um, was that not part of your plan?
QP: Superman almost accidentally killed Guy Gardner.
TGH: “Well, he’s dead! I guess we’ll never know what he was going on about!”
QP: This is why all of superman’s villains need to be mad geniuses in kryptonite robot suits so we don’t have to keep dumbing him down.
TGH: Superman then carries Guy’s embarrasingly-posed body over to S.T.A.R. Labs to see what the fuck his problem is.
QP: You know, besides being an asshole.
DN: Sadly, S.T.A.R. Labs has no cure for being an asshole.
TGH: But that’s a story for another time. Because they ran out of pages and would like to sell one more issue of something. Anything. Will S.T.A.R. Labs come up with a vaccine for shitty alien genes? Will Superman then explain that vaccine in sickening detail? Find out next time!
TGH: No comments on the comic’s letter column, except that Re:Action is mildly clever.
QP: *golf clap*
DN: Yeah, not bad.
TGH: Also, the letter section doesn’t even waste its time telling anyone to read part two of this story.
’90s Ad Showcase:
QP: This ad for French Toast clothing does a really good job of obscuring the clothing they’re trying to sell with a Superman comic. I guess really the ad is for a French Toast clothing model search, but if this is the caliber of model you guys get, I would not be shocked to learn you no longer exist.
TGH: Some sort of pants and shirt. Kids need those, right?
QP: Yeah but they have parents to pick those out for them. Also it appears that French Toast is now JC Penney’s in-house school uniform brand, so they clearly went far.
TGH: If you become a model you can win a $2,000 computer, which at time was pretty low-end, but still!
QP: Third prize is only Barbie products. Even I would’ve been pissed at that.
TGH: Damn, better aim either high or low if you don’t want a Barbie.
QP: Can I trade down for 4th place?
TGH: There’s a waiting list.
TGH: That Holocaust ad’s art is sufficiently horrible enough to make me not want to buy it. “Fire it up, Bro!”
QP: Yeah, I don’t know who thought that was a good idea.
TGH: I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that character anyway, so it must’ve done well.
QP: Holocaust is really only a name you can get away with if you’re a villain, and even then, it’s questionable.
Next time:
QP: Next time, Superman’s shoddy welding job fails spectacularly, flooding Crime Tunnel during a gridlocked rush hour commute.
TGH: Superman: MVP criminal of Crime Tunnel.
QP: A federal investigation is convened, fining Superman for negligent construction without proper permits. The civil trial costs him millions in damages. Guy points out that this means he was kinda correct about Superman being the enemy after all. No one gives him a medal.